Getting ready for crunch time...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

The uBPDw (stbx) is coming back from out of state next week.  I haven't filed for divorce yet.  We're going to try to mediate a financial settlement first.  I'm not sure if she'll actually agree to an uncontested divorce, but with the settlement in hand, it'll make the process much smoother (according to a pair of lawyers).

Of course, she's going to ask for the moon.  I'm meeting my lawyer this week to discuss a bit of strategy.  Since the marriage is less than 3 years, it's unlikely she'll get much alimony.  I will offer more than 50% of the marriage assets in an effort to get her to settle, but if that doesn't work, then I think I'll at least get the marriage property divided.  It's purely a car and the increase to my 401k, so it's just math.  No house, no kids.  I'm going to talk to the lawyer before I go that route, but it seems best, because then all that's left is alimony, which shouldn't be horrible.

The horrible part -- her staying here through the divorce process.  Another topic for the lawyer this week -- killing the joint account, and moving my direct deposit.  I believe I might move the direct deposit to my other account, then change the joint account (close, reopen as individual) and tell her to get a job.  I really don't want to fight over things (hence the divorce, rather than continue the struggle of a marriage to a BPD spouse).

If we can't settle, and she stays throughout the divorce process, I'm thinking that I'm going to insist she get herself a job.  I won't charge her rent, but she won't get "fun money" from me.  I really don't want to ramp up the BPD symptoms, but I'm not going to be a cash machine anymore.

I never did well with setting and enforcing boundaries in the past.  It seems easier in my mind because the backlash is temporary.  Knowing that in the next 30 or 90 or 270 or however many days this will all be over makes it easier to handle.  In theory.  We'll see.

Wish me luck.  Any advice or lessons learned from previous experience is appreciated.

Gomez

ps -- will have a plan, and a back-up plan for any seriously outrageous behavior, to include property damage, suicidal ideation, threats, etc... .  Lining up places to stay, cleared some room on the credit card (for an overnight or two in a hotel), have a couch or two to crash on, work knows about the potential for problems, and will have a voice recorder running when we're alone.  If I'm missing anything, let me know!

[gomez_addams]

The uBPDw (stbx) is coming back from out of state next week.  I haven't filed for divorce yet.  We're going to try to mediate a financial settlement first.  I'm not sure if she'll actually agree to an uncontested divorce, but with the settlement in hand, it'll make the process much smoother (according to a pair of lawyers).

Of course, she's going to ask for the moon.  I'm meeting my lawyer this week to discuss a bit of strategy.  Since the marriage is less than 3 years, it's unlikely she'll get much alimony.  I will offer more than 50% of the marriage assets in an effort to get her to settle, but if that doesn't work, then I think I'll at least get the marriage property divided.  It's purely a car and the increase to my 401k, so it's just math.  No house, no kids.  I'm going to talk to the lawyer before I go that route, but it seems best, because then all that's left is alimony, which shouldn't be horrible.

The horrible part -- her staying here through the divorce process.  Another topic for the lawyer this week -- killing the joint account, and moving my direct deposit.  I believe I might move the direct deposit to my other account, then change the joint account (close, reopen as individual) and tell her to get a job.  I really don't want to fight over things (hence the divorce, rather than continue the struggle of a marriage to a BPD spouse).

If we can't settle, and she stays throughout the divorce process, I'm thinking that I'm going to insist she get herself a job.  I won't charge her rent, but she won't get "fun money" from me.  I really don't want to ramp up the BPD symptoms, but I'm not going to be a cash machine anymore.

I never did well with setting and enforcing boundaries in the past.  It seems easier in my mind because the backlash is temporary.  Knowing that in the next 30 or 90 or 270 or however many days this will all be over makes it easier to handle.  In theory.  We'll see.

Wish me luck.  Any advice or lessons learned from previous experience is appreciated.

Gomez

ps -- will have a plan, and a back-up plan for any seriously outrageous behavior, to include property damage, suicidal ideation, threats, etc... .  Lining up places to stay, cleared some room on the credit card (for an overnight or two in a hotel), have a couch or two to crash on, work knows about the potential for problems, and will have a voice recorder running when we're alone.  If I'm missing anything, let me know!

[gomez_addams]

And I realized that this is more of a divorce-related topic, and that I forgot to add:

The past few months have been much better in terms of detaching.  I know that all comes to a crashing halt the minute she gets back.

I never understood detaching until she was out of state for a bit.  For the first two or three months, I felt great.  Then when she started to want to come back, the detachment failed and I was constantly brainstorming and wargamming various issues: it dominated my thinking.

Over the past few weeks there have been a few times when I felt so sorry and wanted to rescue her.  She helped fix that by being her normal disordered self.

Gomez