Understanding my part

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

In coming to terms with my part in the dysfunctional dance of my r/s, subsequent b/u, letting go and accepting what is I have been reflecting on boundaries (or more to the point lack thereof) and not either establishing or maintaining them once set.

My exBPDfiance (as far as I can objectively tell) was driven incessantly by her own insecurities to look for holes in our r/s that most always weren't there, and then conversely if something even small would happen like talking to a former female coworker in private (who called to wish me a happy b'day) it would become a MAJOR issue and almost end the r/s there and then. She would also tell me that I am more private than her and that she could not understand why I could not share everything with her, and that if I could not be open and HONEST (I heard that all the time) with her that this would not work out. Of course this drove me to feel like I needed to over share with her in order to avoid rejection and abandonment (I now know my deep rooted fears being CoD).

I was accused and never forgiven for emotionally cheating on her from communicating with other women (well before we were exclusive). It was implied that she could keep and use this at any point in our r/s to justify her actions and feelings. I never knew how to deal effectively with this and on reflection still do not know. I would often be 'frozen' and lost for words when she would confront me with all of her allegations.

She would often go through my phone and email to look for said holes in the r/s, for 'proof' that I was lying and cheating on her, either emotionally or physically. When I found out about this (she came out and said that she was doing it) instead of setting a healthy boundary and letting her know that it was not ok to go through my phone and email that I said I had no problem with it because I had nothing to hide from her. Then she had a problem that I did not call her on going though my personal communications as a normal person would have pulled her up on it (couldn't win).

**As a side note I would also like to mention that everything that happened including the physical violence and emotional abuse towards me was all my fault, I was the cause of it and the cause of her negative feelings (perhaps positive feelings too but it was never mentioned). Again I didn't know how to deal with this effectively and appropriately.

All of these doubts over time led me to feel like I was walking on eggshells and second thinking, wondering if I had left anything out when talking with her. How do we overcome these deep rooted fears of rejection, abandonment and fear of confrontation in the future - how do you express a healthy boundary and overcome these fears?

[MincedGarlic]

In coming to terms with my part in the dysfunctional dance of my r/s, subsequent b/u, letting go and accepting what is I have been reflecting on boundaries (or more to the point lack thereof) and not either establishing or maintaining them once set.

My exBPDfiance (as far as I can objectively tell) was driven incessantly by her own insecurities to look for holes in our r/s that most always weren't there, and then conversely if something even small would happen like talking to a former female coworker in private (who called to wish me a happy b'day) it would become a MAJOR issue and almost end the r/s there and then. She would also tell me that I am more private than her and that she could not understand why I could not share everything with her, and that if I could not be open and HONEST (I heard that all the time) with her that this would not work out. Of course this drove me to feel like I needed to over share with her in order to avoid rejection and abandonment (I now know my deep rooted fears being CoD).

I was accused and never forgiven for emotionally cheating on her from communicating with other women (well before we were exclusive). It was implied that she could keep and use this at any point in our r/s to justify her actions and feelings. I never knew how to deal effectively with this and on reflection still do not know. I would often be 'frozen' and lost for words when she would confront me with all of her allegations.

She would often go through my phone and email to look for said holes in the r/s, for 'proof' that I was lying and cheating on her, either emotionally or physically. When I found out about this (she came out and said that she was doing it) instead of setting a healthy boundary and letting her know that it was not ok to go through my phone and email that I said I had no problem with it because I had nothing to hide from her. Then she had a problem that I did not call her on going though my personal communications as a normal person would have pulled her up on it (couldn't win).

**As a side note I would also like to mention that everything that happened including the physical violence and emotional abuse towards me was all my fault, I was the cause of it and the cause of her negative feelings (perhaps positive feelings too but it was never mentioned). Again I didn't know how to deal with this effectively and appropriately.

All of these doubts over time led me to feel like I was walking on eggshells and second thinking, wondering if I had left anything out when talking with her. How do we overcome these deep rooted fears of rejection, abandonment and fear of confrontation in the future - how do you express a healthy boundary and overcome these fears?

[dagwoodbowser]

**As a side note I would also like to mention that everything that happened including the physical violence and emotional abuse towards me was all my fault, I was the cause of it and the cause of her negative feelings (perhaps positive feelings too but it was never mentioned). Again I didn't know how to deal with this effectively and appropriately.

All of these doubts over time led me to feel like I was walking on eggshells and second thinking, wondering if I had left anything out when talking with her. How do we overcome these deep rooted fears of rejection, abandonment and fear of confrontation in the future - how do you express a healthy boundary and overcome these fears?

Minced: I read all that you wrote but placed in quotes what seems to be your main point and question. I'm not familiar with your overall situation, how long ago your B/U was, will assume she left? Are you now in No Contact?

In some ways it sounds like you are second guessing your actions which is very common. Also, are you considering a Recycle to see if you can back track and somehow "fix" your mistakes? I ask because I did several recycles with the idea that if I could Only get another chance at fixing "my errors" that the relationship would once again be sound. All that did happen is some boundaries did get stronger but to my BPDx she took it as my wanting to be in control and it caused more and more power struggles. The old saying that once the Genie is out of the bottle it's not that easy to make the Genie want to go back in. If you want to give this another try you could consider The Staying Board. Finally, you may want to get familiar with something known as Stockholm Syndrome.

Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with the captors.

[MincedGarlic]

Hi Dagwood,

I'm just confused, I know that I could not go back even if she wanted to. I'm trying to understand why I responded the way I did over time and how to make sure I don't let this ever happen to me again.

Eight weeks today. I called it off and she moved out. As per a previous post, I'm still stuck in if only land... .

I have read through the lessons though it'd be good to hear from those who have been able to detach how they included repairing their self esteem / confidence as part of the detaching process and have they been able to grow as people and establish healthy boundaries in the future.

Trying to move on.

[Madison66]

MincedGarlic,

I went through many of the same emotions that are dealing with after I left my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years.  It sounds like you know that you can't take care of yourself and be in a r/s with your ex.  It's also healthy to begin to look inward to understand your part.  In the simplest form, when we leave a r/s (PD involved or not), what are we left with? OURSELVES! I feel like I don't have to figure out my ex gf or her behaviors.  It just didn't work for me!  I worked with a really good T to help dig into those things I own that contributed to me getting into an r/s with my ex gf in the first place and staying when it was obvious I couldn't have my needs met and/or live my own values.  I also found a great book -"Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown.  It really helped me discover self love and acceptance.  There's no magic wand and aside from what I've said above, time was the greatest help for me. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey MG,

You don't need to justify your b/u as far as I'm concerned.  We get it, and you did the right thing by calling it off.  I understand the pain you are in, believe me.  Yet some of us, such as me, spent years in turmoil married to a pwBPD, which is something you are lucky to have avoided.  So, by comparison, you are in a better situation, though I understand that it doesn't feel like it at the moment.  You will get through this and come out the other side much happier, I predict.

LuckyJim

[MincedGarlic]

You don't need to justify your b/u as far as I'm concerned.  We get it, and you did the right thing by calling it off.  I understand the pain you are in, believe me.  Yet some of us, such as me, spent years in turmoil married to a pwBPD, which is something you are lucky to have avoided.  So, by comparison, you are in a better situation, though I understand that it doesn't feel like it at the moment.  You will get through this and come out the other side much happier, I predict.

Hi LJ, I called it off because in that specific situation the crisis escalated to a point where I had no choice, it was not what I wanted to do. I tried for the next few days to recover the situation though as best I can tell once I had shown I could 'abandon' her there was no coming back from that, she shut down 100%, cut me off and moved out. I know that it is best though I feel the complete opposite. As much as I miss the relationship, I miss her too (well all the good stuff).

In the simplest form, when we leave a r/s (PD involved or not), what are we left with? OURSELVES!

Being left with myself after this is scary. I have a lot of work to do. I felt strong and confident before this relationship though it has opened some deep wounds I was not aware were there to start with. I'm angry / hurt / sad / shattered with what has happened though as I read in another post recently the actual straw that broke the camels back was irrelevant, it was going to happen sooner or later. I just tried to stop it happening - inward reflection says that unconsciously I was trying to control this from not happening to avoid my own fears of rejection and abandonment. How I change and stop myself from doing this in the future is something I need to learn, just not sure how.

Thanks for the book referral.