Help needed

[Hmcbart]

UnBPDw had our first MC today. The therapist seems very good and I'm hopeful she is. When she asked us what we were wanting to get from MC, I told her we needed help communicating and resolving conflict. My wife at that time also said issues with anger and pointed at me.

If you've seen my other posts I admit that I have not handled some instances of being triggered. I admit that when I'm backed into a corner, sometimes literally, I will raise my voice and say hurtful negative things. I have never ever raised my hand to her or our kids.

During MC we were asked if there was any physical abuse or hitting due to the anger. I said no, never. My wife said no but almost. I asked when the almost was and she said it was once in the closet in our bedroom.

If it's the time I'm thinking of, I was putting my shoes on to leave the situation. I knew I was triggered and didn't want to keep arguing. She refused to let me leave the closet and continued to berate and curse at me. I told her in a very loud manner that if she kept cursing at me that I was going to kick her out of the house.

It was at that point her eyes lit up and she got quiet for about 30 seconds. She then tells me "you just threatened me with bodily harm!" I was shocked at that point. I asked what she was talking about and she said that I said I would kick her out of the house. She told me that she would not leave the house without our children and that the only way it would happen is for me to physically "kick her out".

I had a friend who stayed with us for a couple of weeks because of an incident like this. He didn't want to stand there getting yelled at by his wife so he pushed her out of the door to his office and he locked it. She went to the cops and he was arrested for assault.

This was what I was picturing at this point in the closet. I sat down and told her she was really starting to scare me and that I would never hit her or hurt her. She went on about me threatening bodily harm. I stayed calm at that point and stopped talking all together. I just sat there silently until she left the room.

So today in MC, that translates into me almost physically hitting or hurting her. The MC didn't ask her to elaborate and may have seen me shake my head after she told me when this happened.

I'm really at a loss in this. I admitted to any bad or ugly I had said and even apologized again in front of the Therapist. I've never raised a hand to her and in reality she has hit, pushed or thrown things at me multiple times.

I'm worried that she will try to do something at home to get me arrested or something else to help her support her idea of reality. Any thoughts on this? I am trying to just let it go and focus on me and now but I'm also worried that she will do something really crazy.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mike-X]

I am really sorry for what you are going through with a wife with BPD and this episode in MC. I do hope that things get better with the counseling. Whether personal or couples counseling, it takes time, and it can be painful looking at the good and bad in oneself and the relationship.

To me, it seems very encouraging that you wife went to the counseling session. My uBPDgf went to one couples session and then refused to go again, feeling that the counselor was biased and that I would just "lie" anyway.

In response to your concern about accusations escalating, unfortunately, I don't see any way of predicting whether they will or not. Have you had to deal with other threats of calling the police?


A couple of other questions:

So today in MC, that translates into me almost physically hitting or hurting her. The MC didn't ask her to elaborate and may have seen me shake my head after she told me when this happened.

Are you concerned that this will bias the counselor?

During MC we were asked if there was any physical abuse or hitting due to the anger. I said no, never. My wife said no but almost. I asked when the almost was and she said it was once in the closet in our bedroom.

I'm really at a loss in this. I admitted to any bad or ugly I had said and even apologized again in front of the Therapist. I've never raised a hand to her and in reality she has hit, pushed or thrown things at me multiple times.

I am curious as to why you said "no, never"?

[Hmcbart]

No she has never actually threatened to call the police. She smart like that, her words are chosen for effect but also so she can later say that I misunderstood her.

I'm not concerned with bias yet. This was the first visit so I'm not sure. She does want to speak to our individual therapists and I'm all for it.

I said no to the physical abuse thing because at the time I hadn't thought about it. I only remembered it a few hours later when headed to work. I think I was still in shock at what she said. But if I try and say anything at the next MC session it could look like I'm play tit-for-tat and covering myself because of what she said.

[formflier]

 

Since your wife has brought it up... .this is an issue to have a crystal clear resolution in the counseling room.

The issue is what to do when one partner is physically preventing another from leaving a room... .thereby forcing that person to sit there and "take it... ." (have buttons pushed)

As a practical matter... .if you can keep your phone with you... .that is a way out... .to call 911... .

For you to try to push your way past your wife... .is not a good strategy.

Be prepared for her to remember the incident differently... .don't get baited by that.

Focus on the future.  What is our agreement if one of us needs to leave the room to because they are too upset.

Don't mention you are upset "because" of the other person... .keep it about you and your feelings.

FF