Immoral Dilemmas?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Towards the end of my relationship with my uBPDexgf I came to the conclusion that she needed less of a lover, and more of a parent/caretaker to meet her needs. If I ever went back to her, I could fulfill the 'parent' role but that would be at the expense of feeling sexual desire for her. Basically I couldn't do the horizontal bop with a woman I was effectively parenting as it would seem vaguely incestuous to me! 

Anyone else out there thought about this particular 'dilemma' - or am I just being weird? Again. 

[FannyB]

Towards the end of my relationship with my uBPDexgf I came to the conclusion that she needed less of a lover, and more of a parent/caretaker to meet her needs. If I ever went back to her, I could fulfill the 'parent' role but that would be at the expense of feeling sexual desire for her. Basically I couldn't do the horizontal bop with a woman I was effectively parenting as it would seem vaguely incestuous to me! 

Anyone else out there thought about this particular 'dilemma' - or am I just being weird? Again. 

[cosmonaut]

I don't think it's weird, it's just the way you feel.  It's important to realize what you want and what you are willing to tolerate in a relationship.  That's how we make healthier relationships.

I think you are also right that a BPD relationship will never be a relationship of equals.  It will indeed be a relationship where the non will likely have to be the rock and provide the emotional centeredness and soothing in the relationship.  It takes a strong, committed, and very stable person to do that, imo.  Most us of here, myself more than most, are just not at that place to provide something like that.  To have any chance of the relationship working significant work will need to be done by both parties.  If someone is in a position to provide that, however, and they choose to take on that role, I wouldn't criticize or judge them in the least.  It's just important to know what we want in a relationship, and it sounds like you've done that.   

[jhkbuzz]

Towards the end of my relationship with my uBPDexgf I came to the conclusion that she needed less of a lover, and more of a parent/caretaker to meet her needs. If I ever went back to her, I could fulfill the 'parent' role but that would be at the expense of feeling sexual desire for her. Basically I couldn't do the horizontal bop with a woman I was effectively parenting as it would seem vaguely incestuous to me! 

Anyone else out there thought about this particular 'dilemma' - or am I just being weird? Again. 

Not weird at all - many of us have found ourselves in a caretaking/parenting role with our BPD significant other. Myself included. I didn't understand it when I was "in" it, but now that I'm aware of the dynamic, I agree with what you're feeling - sex would be strange.

[FannyB]

Jhkbuzz - thanks for the reply

For those of us who dated high-functioning borderlines whose pathology was well-hidden, being a caretaker was most definitely NOT what we signed up for. We've effectively been duped into entering a relationship under false pretences! Obviously, by the time many of us discover the truth, we already love the other person - warts and all.  That's why I could do the caretaking, but not the sex. I understand neediness but do not find it a desirable quality in a prospective partner.  I would guess though that others on these boards have fewer issues with this concept than we do! 

[dobie]

Well considering our sex life was kaput totally by the end I can relate

The part about being "duped" is also correct I've never had to baby any of my gfs

Before I met my xBPDfiance

Or met a woman with so many needs , yes I think sometimes she turned me or rather activated my more co -dependent traits

I wonder sometimes if she even liked sex ? I think she felt shame around the issue considering some of her comments and opinions .

We were just caretakers , soothers, desicion makers etc

Not healthy r/s styles anyway you want to cut it .

Adult lasting mature love is not built on one way emotional rescues

[jhkbuzz]

Jhkbuzz - thanks for the reply

For those of us who dated high-functioning borderlines whose pathology was well-hidden, being a caretaker was most definitely NOT what we signed up for. We've effectively been duped into entering a relationship under false pretences! Obviously, by the time many of us discover the truth, we already love the other person - warts and all.  That's why I could do the caretaking, but not the sex. I understand neediness but do not find it a desirable quality in a prospective partner.  I would guess though that others on these boards have fewer issues with this concept than we do!  

My ex had an 11 year old daughter when we moved in together, and I remember being worried about "parenting" - but I figured it would be okay because my ex had been doing in for 11 years and I'd just be "helping" her.

Imagine my dismay at realizing (and I still remember the moment I realized it) that I kind of had two children - and I was in the parenting role all by myself.  I had that very same thought - "Hey, I didn't sign up for this."  But by then we had moved in together and were committed - and more importantly, I was committed to providing my stepdaughter with a stable upbringing and home life.

My ex used to talk about how fearful she was about raising a teenager - and how she needed my help with it.  At the time I was flattered by it, but I now realize that, on some level, she recognized that her daughter was (emotionally) "older" than her.  If you know anything about Schema Theory, my ex spent a lot of time (especially in the first several years of the r/s) as the "vulnerable child" - I'm guessing somewhere around the 4-5 year old range.  I thought she was just needy and wounded - I had no idea how truly dysfunctional it would get.

One last comment - I wasn't "duped."  I believe there was little to no premeditation on my ex's side.  It's just the way the disorder plays itself out.

[FannyB]

I believe there was little to no premeditation on my ex's side

Totally agree. I was duped by the disorder - not by my ex.  She totally believed everything she said and did for the first 6 months - up to the point I effectively let my guard down. That was when engulfment fears took over. 

[Achaya]

My relationship with my BPD ex was exactly as you describe, Fanny. Including the part about the child states being out more and the adult state being less present as the relationship evolved. PwBPDs are known to regress into young child states under stress--it is one of the defining characteristics of the disorder. It seemed to me that my partner became less able to keep up the adult fragment of her personality as our relationship aged. Like it took too much strength or psychic energy or something.

The parenting role got to be burdensome and lonely for me at the end. It was my problem that I ever participated in this kind of relating with an adult partner. 

[jhkbuzz]

My relationship with my BPD ex was exactly as you describe, Fanny. Including the part about the child states being out more and the adult state being less present as the relationship evolved. PwBPDs are known to regress into young child states under stress--it is one of the defining characteristics of the disorder. It seemed to me that my partner became less able to keep up the adult fragment of her personality as our relationship aged. Like it took too much strength or psychic energy or something.

The parenting role got to be burdensome and lonely for me at the end. It was my problem that I ever participated in this kind of relating with an adult partner. 

Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm not beating myself up over it because I didn't know this parental dynamic was even POSSIBLE in an adult r/s. Ignorance + a belief in commitment = YIKES!   

I'm definitely aware of it now, though, and will be on the lookout for it in the future.