Jhkbuzz - thanks for the reply
For those of us who dated high-functioning borderlines whose pathology was well-hidden, being a caretaker was most definitely NOT what we signed up for. We've effectively been duped into entering a relationship under false pretences! Obviously, by the time many of us discover the truth, we already love the other person - warts and all. That's why I could do the caretaking, but not the sex. I understand neediness but do not find it a desirable quality in a prospective partner. I would guess though that others on these boards have fewer issues with this concept than we do!
My ex had an 11 year old daughter when we moved in together, and I remember being worried about "parenting" - but I figured it would be okay because my ex had been doing in for 11 years and I'd just be "helping" her.
Imagine my dismay at realizing (and I
still remember the moment I realized it) that I kind of had two children - and I was in the parenting role all by myself. I had that very same thought - "Hey, I didn't sign up for
this." But by then we had moved in together and were committed - and more importantly, I was committed to providing my stepdaughter with a stable upbringing and home life.
My ex used to talk about how fearful she was about raising a teenager - and how she needed my help with it. At the time I was flattered by it, but I now realize that, on some level, she recognized that her daughter was (emotionally) "older" than her. If you know anything about Schema Theory, my ex spent a lot of time (especially in the first several years of the r/s) as the "vulnerable child" - I'm guessing somewhere around the 4-5 year old range. I thought she was just needy and wounded - I had no idea how truly dysfunctional it would get.
One last comment - I wasn't "duped." I believe there was little to no premeditation on my ex's side. It's just the way the disorder plays itself out.
