Impact of N/C on a BPDx

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have somewhat of a profound question that maybe can be responded to easily or perhaps it's just too complex to dialog into a few sentences. During my 2.5 yrs with my BPDx I was always made myself available for contact even during B/U's whether it was for her to reach out for soothing, a favor or just for simple exchanges. During 2 B/U's when I was replaced she would not respond and did N/C but she would eventually reach out. Longest N/C between us was about 45 days. Despite multiple recycles I had never the shut the door on emails, calls or texts mainly because I was so hooked and kept believing (wishing) that things would eventually work out.

After this last B/U, the 4th, it was simply too painful to continue and after coming on to these Boards I realized that I was in a no win situation and had to break free for the sake of my health and sanity. In a few days I will be at a true 80 days of N/C. I had sent her an email in March asking her not to contact me anymore explaining that I had blocked her phone from texts/calls as well as her emails. I know for fact that she still keeps in contact with her previous X's as she never hid that and often would try to triangulate me by reminding me that many of her X's were anxiously awaiting another recycle with her.

Would she view this as an act of abandonment on my part? Anyone here eventually get feedback from a BPDx on the impact N/C had on them?

[dagwoodbowser]

I have somewhat of a profound question that maybe can be responded to easily or perhaps it's just too complex to dialog into a few sentences. During my 2.5 yrs with my BPDx I was always made myself available for contact even during B/U's whether it was for her to reach out for soothing, a favor or just for simple exchanges. During 2 B/U's when I was replaced she would not respond and did N/C but she would eventually reach out. Longest N/C between us was about 45 days. Despite multiple recycles I had never the shut the door on emails, calls or texts mainly because I was so hooked and kept believing (wishing) that things would eventually work out.

After this last B/U, the 4th, it was simply too painful to continue and after coming on to these Boards I realized that I was in a no win situation and had to break free for the sake of my health and sanity. In a few days I will be at a true 80 days of N/C. I had sent her an email in March asking her not to contact me anymore explaining that I had blocked her phone from texts/calls as well as her emails. I know for fact that she still keeps in contact with her previous X's as she never hid that and often would try to triangulate me by reminding me that many of her X's were anxiously awaiting another recycle with her.

Would she view this as an act of abandonment on my part? Anyone here eventually get feedback from a BPDx on the impact N/C had on them?

[ZeusRLX]

In my experience, it depends.

Some of my BPD exes disappeared for good after I did what you did. Some, however, returned and tried to recycle (some many years later).

However, once I made it clear that I was soo not into it, they would disappear and probably color me black at that point.

But they are pretty unpredictable, if they think there is any remote chance to recycle, they could reappear at pretty much any moment and try it.

As far as the impact on them, when they have no one to manipulate I think they get frustrated and hungry. When I didn't answer them, they would try to contact members of my family. Then finally give up and recycle someone else.

I think they have trouble waiting for a long time, they need to recycle someone or find a new hero SOON. Or that has been my experience anyway.

[DyingLove]

The NC is for us.  Do we even believe that we could get an honest answer from our exBPD?  I haven't heard from mine since I left, I am under the impression that she MIGHT see how she did wrong by destroying our RS but on the other side, it's my responsibility NOW to move on. She made her decision and SHE has to live with it.  I'm a good person and I believe that. Bad things sometimes happen to good people. We have to get stronger and move on.  I'm having a strong moment right now. Don't know how long that will last.  :-)

[goateeki]

Would she view this as an act of abandonment on my part? Anyone here eventually get feedback from a BPDx on the impact N/C had on them?

Dagwood, I'm going to ask you a tough question.  Why would the answers to these questions matter at all to you? 

[Mutt]

Would she view this as an act of abandonment on my part? Anyone here eventually get feedback from a BPDx on the impact N/C had on them?

Dagwood, I'm going to ask you a tough question.  Why would the answers to these questions matter at all to you?  

Hi Dagwoodbowser,

You mention it may be too complex to explain in a few sentences.

In the past you left the lines of communication available and open so that she could reach you and this time you have changed the formula.

You're nearing 80 days and I take it this may be the longest space that you have not heard from your ex?

I'm not being judgmental, are you worried about her welfare?

[dagwoodbowser]

Dagwood, I'm going to ask you a tough question.  Why would the answers to these questions matter at all to you?

goateeki: Your question is a good one and merits a response. These Boards have made all the difference in my ability to learn and realize many things not only about myself but my BPDx and has helped me to stay in N/C and finally understand that the r/s will never take full flight. These Boards are a helpful place for open, non-judgemental discussion to air out dirty laundry in thought and writing instead of internalizing it only to find that others have the same outcomes and results. I think we all have questions, concerns about our former attachment to someone that had such an intense effect on us. In all honesty, I would hope that my total disappearance and cut off from my X stings her some, then at the same time because I care for her and was a comforter and care taker for her the CoD in me has some concern. Overall, I dont think there is any question or commentary on these Boards that is either too foolish or unimportant to share as this is a form of on-line, anonymous "group therapy" to help heal, grow, support and view and share any number of perspectives. Hope this answers your question.

[dagwoodbowser]

Hi Dagwoodbowser,

You mention it may be too complex to explain in a few sentences.

In the past you left the lines of communication available and open so that she could reach you and this time you have changed the formula.

You're nearing 80 days and I take it this may be the longest space that you have not heard from your ex?

I'm not being judgmental, are you worried about her welfare?

Hi mutt: My response to you will be close to the response I gave to goateeki but shorter. Yes, I am concerned about how this may impact her as well as seeking out to see if anyone else ever ended up knowing or eventually hearing the effect this had (n/c) on their BPDx.

[apollotech]

Would she view this as an act of abandonment on my part? Anyone here eventually get feedback from a BPDx on the impact N/C had on them?

It is abandonment, regardless of the reason. I am not saying that it isn't justified. Because the relationship with a pwBPD is unhealthy/dysfunctional (usually displayed/acted act/realized in "extreme" behaviors/actions) this type of "extreme" behavior (abandonment/NC) is needed by the Non to escape and heal. (How many times in your lifetime have you been compelled to completely "abandon" a healthy relationship/person? How many times in your lifetime has absolute "abandonment" been the only choice available to you to protect yourself or resolve issues?)

Yes, the pwBPD is severely affected as the attachment is severed. The evidence of this severity is usually manifested in the Non being immediately painted black. Unfortunately, oftentimes, many people with BPD will threaten suicide at this juncture. Attachments are everything to a pwBPD, hence a replacement is in place before the pwBPD walks out of (abandons) a relationship. (When a pwBPD leaves a relationship in this way, this is not fear of abandonment triggered. When triggered, fear of abandonment generates a pull, not a push.)

[Mutt]

When I arrived on the site I received advice to file for custody or shared custody of the kids and I quickly filed in family court. I had also gone low contact for self protection and my ex went through a series of extinction bursts. I had gotten a temporary order from the courts and my ex was trying to get me to give her the kids early on my time so that she could spend an extra long weekend out of town. She went as far as trying to reach my lawyers office. That being said, the issue was raised in the next court session and my lawyer had started to give her a hard time because she couldn't understand that this she was not entitled to time on dad's time. I could tell it was an emotionally upsetting meeting and she mentioned how I was communicating only by email ( I was low contact ) and complaining to my lawyer by saying "But he doesn't know how to talk to me!" and he said there was nothing wrong with how I was communicating with her.

She had this look on her face, I could tell she was deeply hurt and worried that she lost me, she was also trying to get the lawyers to have them have me talk to her outside of email communication. I could tell NC was getting to her in that meeting, she looked like she was going to break down. I retorted in the meeting "You wanted this divorce, this is divorce."  and she was in a committed relationship with her boyfriend. I was angry at how she was trying to manipulate my lawyer by calling him at his office and also blaming me. I hope that's answer that is closer to what you are looking for dagwoodbowser.

[zundertowz]

I thinks most of there feelings probably directly have to do with how much supply they have... .if shes someone who can easily replace you the impact is probably low and shell just add you to list of abusive exes... .If she has a dry spell shell probably contact some of her exes and see who takes the bait.  Im sure all these failed "abusive" relationships will add up when there older and supply runs out.  I think they were probably more affected during the relationship while they were convincing themselves they were wronged and unloved not during n/c.  Maybe im just speaking about my ex who I have very little respect for.  Im sure if you had kids its different.

[Arcturus81]

Having concern over how an ex is doing is admirable. Caring is not a negative trait and it is what draws most Bpd's to us. I was concerned myself but the truth is that a woman with BPD is quite capable of managing on their own. Most have been ensnaring men for quite a while and usually have someone waiting whenever they breakup with their current r/s as I am sure you well know. It is not good to ruminate on them. The person you should be concentrating on is yourself.

Right now your NC is having an effect that you are not going to be anyone's second choice and she will realize that. How she handles it is really up to her. Every Bpd is different with the exception of a few predictable behaviors.

[goateeki]

Dagwood, I'm going to ask you a tough question.  Why would the answers to these questions matter at all to you?

goateeki: Your question is a good one and merits a response. These Boards have made all the difference in my ability to learn and realize many things not only about myself but my BPDx and has helped me to stay in N/C and finally understand that the r/s will never take full flight. These Boards are a helpful place for open, non-judgemental discussion to air out dirty laundry in thought and writing instead of internalizing it only to find that others have the same outcomes and results. I think we all have questions, concerns about our former attachment to someone that had such an intense effect on us. In all honesty, I would hope that my total disappearance and cut off from my X stings her some, then at the same time because I care for her and was a comforter and care taker for her the CoD in me has some concern. Overall, I dont think there is any question or commentary on these Boards that is either too foolish or unimportant to share as this is a form of on-line, anonymous "group therapy" to help heal, grow, support and view and share any number of perspectives. Hope this answers your question.

I hope that you didn't think I was being harsh or judgmental. I'm not certain that you did, but I just want to make clear that I was not.  I asked the question because for me (and I suppose that I had the benefit of her being given a diagnosis), it took me years to understand that she just did not view, and could not view, the relationship in the same way I or any relatively emotionally healthy person could.  And your question -- which I took to mean, does she feel my absence? -- is one of those really, really big questions that (I think) people who break free of a borderline relationship do often ask.  Conceptually -- how we look back and see our life -- this is a very big deal.  It goes to who we are.  I think we ask "Was it worth it?" All that effort we spent.  It's about fairness, right?

It was very hard for me to come to terms with the reality that the person I was in a nearly 20 year relationship with (and with whom I have two young children) was a shell of a human being and no, she never really viewed things as I did.  But in realizing this, I realized some big things about the nature of BPD.

It is possible (maybe it's probable) that you not contacting her is confirmation in her mind that you were never any good, that this is exactly what she ought to have expected all along.  She might NEED to think this in order to preserve what little concept of self she has.  But I think that you and I cannot let these things bear on our self concept.  We're not dealing with people like ourselves, we're dealing with something radically different.

I'll give you an example that might better illustrate my point.  I was married to someone for 19 years who my T (35+ year career, and in some prestigious positions) has said possesses a record of trauma that is unrivaled in his career.  he has never seen anything over such a long term and with such severity. Parental abandonment, rape, etc.  Now, in marriage counseling she literally screamed at me for one hour every Wednesday night for six months over things like the state of the lawn and the way I fold towels.  She said that she never loved me, always hated me, always hated having sex with me (despite the two children she asked for and got), never felt a thing for me.  Our marriage counselor was completely outgunned and you could see by the end of every session she looked like she needed a drink (our marriage counselor).

Our divorce becomes final next month.  Two weeks ago on Saturday, she called me at home (she moved out months ago) and yelled at me for twenty minutes about putting six months only into marriage counseling and told me that she hated me for throwing out our wedding portrait and wedding album.  Now remember, she said she "always hated me" and "never loved me," criticized me for even asking for her hand in marriage, hates me for having a happy relationship with a really good woman, and yet... .what is she saying? She wanted to work on the marriage? She wants pictures of the wedding she claims never should have occurred?  Is she saying that she DIDN'T want the divorce after I said to her "I don't want this but I feel you've taken away my choices; tell me if I should not go ahead" and she responded "Go ahead"?

The thing is, Dagwood, maybe she meant all of these things when she said them.  Ten minutes later, she did not.  She has no idea who she is or what she wants, and might never.  Your girl might miss you one minute, and then forget you ever existed for the next three weeks.  We're not really dealing with healthy people, and that's the hardest thing to get our heads around.  What it was like for us is not what it was like for them.     

[Trog]

I know the impact on NC on my BPD ex.

I know because she would moan about how many of her exes (who she claimed were pathetic/or to blame for something or caused her injustice somehow) were NC and it bothered her every day for years. We are their possessions, if we're not useful to them anymore that's fine but if they want to play with us and we're not there... .it's incredible injustice.

She'll reach out to you eventually. It will just take the next big 'drama' with her current partner and she'll write to you behind their back.

This depends on just how black you've been split though. My ex had exes who were saintly NCs and others who were grey and others who were black. Unless you are the cause of all ills (and even then she'll place someone else in that category soon enough) she'll contact you.

On the flip side, hope she doesn't. While my ex stays clear of me I'm home and dry.

[Trog]

Goateeki is on the money in that they feel very strongly but can just as quickly feel nothing.  My ex brought up her exes everyday in the first year and it really peed me off, but as quickly as she was devastated she was laughing her head off again two minutes later.

The weirdest thing I ever saw in her, and it chilled my blood, was the special ex, her most favourite whom she told me was the love of her life (nice) died unexpectedly. I thought this meant all hell would break loose and was preparing for a shiv storm... .She never even cried. We went on our family holiday the next day, nothing, we came back, still no tears, a whole year passed... .Zippo.

I still to this day do not understand - she made out like this person was her world, the only one who truly got her and just took it like 'oh well'. I guess this is just a toy she can't play with anymore so no point kicking and screaming? It certainly wasn't to protect my feelings as she used to revel in triangulating me previously

[mitatsu]

Goateeki is on the money in that they feel very strongly but can just as quickly feel nothing.  My ex brought up her exes everyday in the first year and it really peed me off, but as quickly as she was devastated she was laughing her head off again two minutes later.

The weirdest thing I ever saw in her, and it chilled my blood, was the special ex, her most favourite whom she told me was the love of her life (nice) died unexpectedly. I thought this meant all hell would break loose and was preparing for a shiv storm... .She never even cried. We went on our family holiday the next day, nothing, we came back, still no tears, a whole year passed... .Zippo.

I still to this day do not understand - she made out like this person was her world, the only one who truly got her and just took it like 'oh well'. I guess this is just a toy she can't play with anymore so no point kicking and screaming? It certainly wasn't to protect my feelings as she used to revel in triangulating me previously

holy hell fire... .i get the 'special' ex who died thing completely... .though she said romance died for them years ago she respected his honesty etc (yet when i was honest with her she got the right hump) but she still controlled his finances social media etc etc as he was pretty useless for a 50 yr old guy but when we went to his funeral... .NO TEARS?

[dagwoodbowser]

I know the impact on NC on my BPD ex.

I know because she would moan about how many of her exes (who she claimed were pathetic/or to blame for something or caused her injustice somehow) were NC and it bothered her every day for years. We are their possessions, if we're not useful to them anymore that's fine but if they want to play with us and we're not there... .it's incredible injustice.

She'll reach out to you eventually. It will just take the next big 'drama' with her current partner and she'll write to you behind their back.

I know the impact on NC on my BPD ex.

I know because she would moan about how many of her exes (who she claimed were pathetic/or to blame for something or caused her injustice somehow) were NC and it bothered her every day for years. We are their possessions, if we're not useful to them anymore that's fine but if they want to play with us and we're not there... .it's incredible injustice.

She'll reach out to you eventually. It will just take the next big 'drama' with her current partner and she'll write to you behind their back.

Trog: Thank you for the insight. I would imagine that like many others here I am at times torn and confused by the BPD push/pull behavior. At times could care less if she reaches out, almost a dread... .other times hopeful, but I have her blocked off to avoid that.

[Trog]

Goateeki is on the money in that they feel very strongly but can just as quickly feel nothing.  My ex brought up her exes everyday in the first year and it really peed me off, but as quickly as she was devastated she was laughing her head off again two minutes later.

The weirdest thing I ever saw in her, and it chilled my blood, was the special ex, her most favourite whom she told me was the love of her life (nice) died unexpectedly. I thought this meant all hell would break loose and was preparing for a shiv storm... .She never even cried. We went on our family holiday the next day, nothing, we came back, still no tears, a whole year passed... .Zippo.

I still to this day do not understand - she made out like this person was her world, the only one who truly got her and just took it like 'oh well'. I guess this is just a toy she can't play with anymore so no point kicking and screaming? It certainly wasn't to protect my feelings as she used to revel in triangulating me previously

holy hell fire... .i get the 'special' ex who died thing completely... .though she said romance died for them years ago she respected his honesty etc (yet when i was honest with her she got the right hump) but she still controlled his finances social media etc etc as he was pretty useless for a 50 yr old guy but when we went to his funeral... .NO TEARS?

It's a real puzzle isn't it!

So many tiny things would send her to the cliff face (literally once) and were the end of the world but this, something finally deserving of a reaction... .No emotion.

Weird

[dagwoodbowser]

It is abandonment, regardless of the reason. I am not saying that it isn't justified. Because the relationship with a pwBPD is unhealthy/dysfunctional (usually displayed/acted act/realized in "extreme" behaviors/actions) this type of "extreme" behavior (abandonment/NC) is needed by the Non to escape and heal. (How many times in your lifetime have you been compelled to completely "abandon" a healthy relationship/person? How many times in your lifetime has absolute "abandonment" been the only choice available to you to protect yourself or resolve issues?)

apollo: You're always helpful. I thought this would be the case

[PaintedBlack28]

On several ocassions my BPD xgf told me about a string of relstionships that she had (some of them were one night stands). There were some guys that would have sex with her and then go NC. She used to say that even in the case of a one night stand she was open and willing to start a relationship. She told me that she used to go personally to their door after they wouldnt answer the phone and try to engage them for continuity of the "r/s". She did this repeteadly and with different people. She would leave only when threatened with calling the cops or yelled at to leave. Some of these guys yelled at her to leave them alone over the phone. She would then go and try to call them about every three months or so to test the waters. Apparently she couldnt stand the fact that they had only used her for sex although it was exactly whay she did with them. It annoyed her to be dumped by someone in power, which obvioisly caused her a narcissistic injury.

Hope this can answers your question.

[Olivia_D]

Dagwood, I just thought of something that I was told when my exNPD Husband was about to be put into alcohol/drug rehab.  I kept trying to "rescue" him and the counselor said "if you continue to rescue him you will only deprive him of hitting his bottom.  He needs to hit bottom to get the help that he needs or he will continue with this addiction.  The most loving act that you can do is let him spiral."  In many ways, our stepping in does them more harm and keeps them from facing the real issues that need to be addressed.  It also seems to me that we do not abandon them, they orchestrate or force the abandonment to take place--it is seems to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

[dagwoodbowser]

It also seems to me that we do not abandon them, they orchestrate or force the abandonment to take place--it is seems to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Olivia: Thank you for the insight. I know and understand that I am Not actually involved in an act of abandonment with my x. After all she's the one that called it quits for about the 4th time. I'm trying to view this from the perspective of what a person with BPD may see or feel about me ceasing all contact where at one time I was always available.

[blissful_camper]

The past was very much alive in the mind of my ex. That focus was primarily former partners. He was competitive with the ones who'd moved on and seemed to be overly fixated on how they were doing without him. This baffled me. It appeared, to me, that he hadn't recovered, processed, healed from really any of his relationships.  He often initiated conversations about his exes. It bothered him that those former partners would not speak with him. It bothered him that his exes entered and sustained stable long term relationships. Their happiness bothered him. Conversely, receiving bad news about them made him alarmingly happy. He hadn't really ever detached from them. NC bothered him, but I'm not sure the feelings stemmed from a sense of sadness-loss, grieving. It seemed that it bothered him because NC meant loss of control of that partner.

I guess what I'm getting at is that much like the relationship, NC may be experienced differently for a pwBPD too. 

[myself]

She told me that my staying away/not responding was like she was being tortured. By the situation, yes, but mostly by me. She was the victim and I was the villain. She made it sound like a relief that horribly sucked. I think the silence of me not being in her life now is a constant reminder of stuff she chooses not to face. She'll mostly twist it, bury it, whatever. But she has a heart, and it's a real loss to her too. Another burned bridge to paradise she's on the run from. Is it even 'no contact' anymore when it's really over?

[dagwoodbowser]

The past was very much alive in the mind of my ex. That focus was primarily former partners. He was competitive with the ones who'd moved on and seemed to be overly fixated on how they were doing without him. This baffled me. It appeared, to me, that he hadn't recovered, processed, healed from really any of his relationships.  He often initiated conversations about his exes. It bothered him that those former partners would not speak with him.

She told me that my staying away/not responding was like she was being tortured. By the situation, yes, but mostly by me. She was the victim and I was the villain. She made it sound like a relief that horribly sucked. I think the silence of me not being in her life now is a constant reminder of stuff she chooses not to face. She'll mostly twist it, bury it, whatever. But she has a heart, and it's a real loss to her too. Another burned bridge to paradise she's on the run from. Is it even 'no contact' anymore when it's really over?

camper and myself: Very insightful. My x always brought up her X's. When I would ask her why she would quickly say that it was hard to forget those that had "hurt you so badly." I would then brush it off and not give it too much importance. I do know that on occasion she would have exchanges w/them and she would always claim they were "bothering her."

[dobie]

My x always goes nc with her xs AFAIK out of the r/s out of her life of course all of them were painted black or at best grey .

I think all her family and friends would have to die before she came crawling back

She only needs people no need no reason to stay or keep in contact

Nc or no nc makes no difference


I know she feels shame for having slept with her xs she used to bring it up all the time it was weird as she is not religious .

I wish looking back the minutes she walked I had gone full nc just to have the pleasure of slamming the door after her