My pwBPD is on the downswing

[Hardi Backer]

Hello everyone,

After being married for close to seven years, I found out my wife has BPD, quite by chance and unexpectedly. We attended couples therapy together and after a few sessions, she quit attending. I continued to attend, and the therapist told me she met five of the nine criteria for BPD on the DSM V. I was shocked! It wasn't the first therapist we had seen either, and I still wonder how the other therapists could have missed it.

It's been a few months since the diagnosis. I've been reading "Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder", "Stop Walking On Eggshells" and "The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation &... .".

The books have been very helpful in identifying some of the patterns of our relationship and de-personalizing them; understanding they are part of the disorder, not part of me or caused by me. However, when my pwBPD is on the downswing or the 'push' part of the push-pull cycle, I feel incredibly lonely, like I'm not married anymore. When my pwBPD is on the downswing, her words and tone are hurtful to me, which is painful, to say the least. The only difference now is that I don't argue with her anymore.

Among other things she says, she wants to get divorced. She starts "cleaning up the house to sell it" which for her means throwing out anything I gave her as a gift or that reminds her of me. I've also abstained from telling my pwBPD what I learned from the therapist, as recommended, but it has left me no one to talk to about this. Any suggestions? How do you get through the downswing? Has anyone who is staying with the pwBPD been able to do it without the pwBPD knowing about their condition?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Hardi Backer &

I'm really sorry for all of the stress and pain you are going through with your wife; the push part of a dysregulation can be so sad, frightening and confusing when it happens. I've gone through it myself with my Husband (who has BPD traits), and I've found that there actually are ways to get through it, and even ways to mitigate the pain to myself, and the length of time that it lasts.

The first thing I do when I feel the pushing away coming from him, is tell myself immediately that I don't want to get entangled with it, and I detach myself from the drama: I don't follow him around trying to "fix" things. I don't try to talk to him about his silent treatment (or whatever mode he is using for the pushing away), or try to plead my case: No Justifying myself, Arguing my position, Defending myself or Explaining why I'm right--or at least not wrong. This is called "JADE", and the first thing to do is to learn NOT to do any of that during a dysregulation or Pushing Away situation. Because instead of helping the situation, it just revs it up, and can make it last longer.

I use any time of distance with my Husband to do what I have to do to make myself happy, and to be able to feel like I am accomplishing something rather than being tangled up with his emotions... .When I first found this site, I would read all of the links to the right-hand side of this page, learning all I could to understand how and why his mind was working like it did, and to figure out how to use The Lessons, and the Tools of communication, validation, and S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth in order to deal with the situation better when things calmed down.

At this point, all that I've learned has helped to either prevent another dysregulation and push away situation, or to help is de-escalate rather quickly, so that the discomfort is minimized... .Our relationship is so much better, that even he appreciates the fact that we are happy and less stressed out on a continuous basis. And, to answer your other question ("Has anyone who is staying with the pwBPD been able to do it without the pwBPD knowing about their condition?": YES! I do these things every day, without him realizing that I'm consciously using what I've learned here, and without him knowing that I believe he has BPD traits... .My own behaviors, non-behaviors, and reactions to him have changed, thereby changing the dynamics of our relationship, and the way he behaves and reacts to me. For the better 

I think it's great that you've found us, Hardi Backer, and I encourage you to read all you can on this site, and to continue to ask your questions and share with us about your situation... .It really can help to make things better. We're here for you 

[an0ught]

Hi Hardi Backer,

it is tough to deal with such a destructive phase  . It is partly self destructive but it is also partly a drama where you are the intended audience.

Protect the stuff you have to protect (boundaries), validate that her world feels like it is all coming down and the past is a lie (validation), avoid telling her that the past was great (avoiding invalidation) and deny her the audience where feasible (boundaries).

Reach out to friends or past friends. Writing things down, possibly here, can also help a little to process what you are experiencing  .



a0

[Riverrat]

Yes, it is possible to keep it a secret from them.

With my dBPDgf, we refer to her dyreg as "the demons" in her life, which she acknowledges.

Only myself and her Mom knew of her diagnosis, but due to her many legal issues, her lawyer and probation officer found out as a means to keep her out of prison. They are sworn to secrecy! Not sure of her reaction if it was discovered, more shame and blame on others I would guess.

Upside is that she is in therapy, so eventually we may see light at the end of the tunnel. It's a long lonely road tho... .

I would not be one to tell pwBPD diagnosis. Most T advise against it as well.

RR