I was crying at the gas station . . . .

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This last week has been incredibly tough.  I have found myself driving down the road with the radio turned off, I guess part of that is that music is powerful in stirring up my thinking and feelings.  While I was filling up my car with gas, a song came on at the gas pump and I stood there, stuck in the moment, and I just started crying my eyes out.   It just came over me and I had a hard time driving home.   I went from scared and angry to just plain heartbroken and crying.   I am still all over the map and 45 days of no contact has helped with no more mind games but creating closure is a challenge.  I suppose my analytical brain is on overtime but I sure do wish that I could simply shut it off and not ruminate over someone that does not deserve this much time. 

Here is the song that brought me to tears -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FseuxxcTlvA

Sheryl Crow / Sting – Always on your side

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away

But every now and then you come to mind

'Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game

But when your name was called, you found a place to hide

When you knew that I was always on your side

Well, everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent

But your demons and your angels reappeared

Leaving only traces of the man you thought you'd be

Leaving me with no place left to go from here

Leaving you so many questions all these years

Is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear

Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear

Or are you left to wander, all alone, eternally

This isn't how it's really meant to be

No, it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well, they say that love is in the air but never is it clear

How to pull it close and make it stay

Butterflies are free to fly and so they fly away

And I'm left to carry on and wonder why

Even through it all, I'm always on your side

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear

Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear

Or are you left to wander, all alone, eternally

But is this how it's really meant to be

No, is it how it's really meant to be

If they say that love is in the air, never is it clear

How to pull it close and make it stay

If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away

Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why

Was it you that kept me wondering through this life

When you know that I was always on your side

[Olivia_D]

This last week has been incredibly tough.  I have found myself driving down the road with the radio turned off, I guess part of that is that music is powerful in stirring up my thinking and feelings.  While I was filling up my car with gas, a song came on at the gas pump and I stood there, stuck in the moment, and I just started crying my eyes out.   It just came over me and I had a hard time driving home.   I went from scared and angry to just plain heartbroken and crying.   I am still all over the map and 45 days of no contact has helped with no more mind games but creating closure is a challenge.  I suppose my analytical brain is on overtime but I sure do wish that I could simply shut it off and not ruminate over someone that does not deserve this much time. 

Here is the song that brought me to tears -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FseuxxcTlvA

Sheryl Crow / Sting – Always on your side

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away

But every now and then you come to mind

'Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game

But when your name was called, you found a place to hide

When you knew that I was always on your side

Well, everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent

But your demons and your angels reappeared

Leaving only traces of the man you thought you'd be

Leaving me with no place left to go from here

Leaving you so many questions all these years

Is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear

Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear

Or are you left to wander, all alone, eternally

This isn't how it's really meant to be

No, it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well, they say that love is in the air but never is it clear

How to pull it close and make it stay

Butterflies are free to fly and so they fly away

And I'm left to carry on and wonder why

Even through it all, I'm always on your side

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear

Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear

Or are you left to wander, all alone, eternally

But is this how it's really meant to be

No, is it how it's really meant to be

If they say that love is in the air, never is it clear

How to pull it close and make it stay

If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away

Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why

Was it you that kept me wondering through this life

When you know that I was always on your side

[Trog]

Turn the radio off! Now! Immediately!

When you're feeling better, tune your radio to a classical music station and don't touch that dial again until you're healed.

We all get down and dirty with the love songs. The tears have flowed from my eyes through entire albums, roaring in the most unbecoming way, howling with no dignity to spare! Do you know what I came to realise. None of the tears were for her. They were for me. Now for the good news. You can control you, break your pathologies. Whereas we had no control whatsoever over the mentally ill. Not really.

Chin up. That same analytical brain is what will get you thru this in the end. It's not ruminating over them, not at the core of it.

[Mutt]

I am still all over the map and 45 days of no contact has helped with no more mind games but creating closure is a challenge.

Hi Olivia_D,

I'm sorry to hear that  

You haven't heard from him since April 7. I can see how you feel like you're all over the map, the break-up is still raw.

I can also see how creating closure is a challenge when we're not given closure. I'm sorry if I missed this, but are you seeing a T?

[Trog]

Whoops! I'm sorry, I misread your post. You are avoiding love songs already, good move. Sadly the world won't stop playing them out and about.

I remember after my bu the damn hairdresser played the Adele album for the duration of my appointment. That was one hour spent with a huge lump in my throat and red eyes. The poor woman must have thought I hated the hairstyle!

The rest of my post may make some sense.

[dagwoodbowser]

Keep taking it One Day at a Time. I'm at about 80 days and I still get these type of moments here and there but they are less frequent and pass much faster. TGIF? Come on Girl... .it's the weekend!

We are all in the same leaky boat with you, you will get through this!

[Invictus01]

45 days out is still so raw, you pretty much are allowed to be all over the place. You are coming off an incredibly strong drug. It will take a while to level out highs and lows.

Let me tell you what happened to me when I was about 40 days out. I went back to visit my family and went out with my sisters. On the way to the bar, without really no reason, I got so overcome with emotions, I just went to the nearest bench, sat down, took my heads in my hands and just completely disintegrated into an ocean of tears right in front of my sisters, repeating - "How could she do this to me?" over and over and over like a nut. Yep, that happened.

Eventually, all this will go away. Everything will be alight in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.

[mitatsu]

Tonight i 'took back' some of the songs i gave to her and it felt very empowering

the time will come when you can enjoy all music again 

[Arcturus81]

Crying happens to the toughest of us. I am over 60 days out and even though most are good days I still feel the familiar pains and sadness. The songs that trigger the most regret for me were "If I ever lose my faith in you" by sting and "I know I'm not the only one" by Sam Smith.

Hearing either of those can instantly change my mood. I have other songs that help me get back to my old self though. Think of songs that are associated with good memories and put them on your mp3 player. I personally found that stand up comedy station on Pandora has helped me laugh off the bad moods. I suggest renting and watching "Love is Evol" by Christopher Titus. He gets Bpd ex's to a "T".

Just remember that pain turns into wisdom and that no wound can hurt forever with the proper healing.

[Olivia_D]

I am in therapy.  I have been with the same therapist for 10 years to deal with the aftermath of full spectrum exNPDH and NPD mother.  (I think I must have a target on my forehead).  My therapist keeps reminding me that it is very normal and expected to go through a grieving process for someone that was meaningful to me, regardless of his mental health. The focus is that it was meaningful to me.  My T keeps reminding me that only people who bond grieve the loss of a relationship.  If the other person is incapable of bonding, they are capable of detaching without a thought and rarely, if ever, will shed a tear or give it a second thought..  She went on to say that I am grieving him and the "illusion of him" without any closure.  She also had an interesting point when she said that these type of PD people do not participate in closure, they craft exit strategies and that some of his cryptic messages at the end were him giving me a foreshadowing of things to come as-if it were some mystery novel.  Shudder.  

[Olivia_D]

Arcturus, Someone shared "Love is Evol" by Christopher Titus on these boards.  I watched it and about wet my pants.  (I identified waaaay too much to his "inner-retard" (Note to other readers:  you have to see the video to understand inner-retard as it is not a disparaging comment)

[Invictus01]

Arcturus, Someone shared "Love is Evol" by Christopher Titus on these boards.  I watched it and about wet my pants.  (I identified waaaay too much to his "inner-retard" (Note to other readers:  you have to see the video to understand inner-retard as it is not a disparaging comment)

Loved that one 

[Recooperating]

Yes the songs... .Terrible! My dBPDexbf and I are both insane music lovers and both of us spin. Every song somehow is connected to him. I too cried my eyes out hearing songs that are extremely triggering. It gets a lot less with time, 8 months out now and I can twist and turn lyrics now so they get a different meaning altogether. There is one song I immediately play when I do get triggered though... .Its a soulfull house track and may not be your type of music, but it instantly gives me strenght and reminds me to keep moving forward.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=BwqE2Br6MH0&list=RDBwqE2Br6MH0

(Ps. The intro and outro of the track are quite long as they are meant for mixing... .)

[PaintedBlack28]

Hi Olivia!

When I was about a month or so after the b/u, I was going somewhere and had to cross a park when all of a sudden I started crying quietly but uncontrollably (good thing I was wearing sunglasses). I had to wait a long time until the water works were over. To my dismay I have always thought of myself as a tough guy. Now I realize how weak I can be under certain circumstances.

By the way from November until last month there was no way absolutely no way to listen to music as any song was an instant trigger.  We always listened to music when we were together and every song was a knife to the heart. I avoided going to malls so I wouldnt get triggered by the music. Only now have I started listening to some stuff that I consider safe but very gradually.

i cant believe that I am 7 months away from her. It has been painful but guess what?

I feel much better compared tl how I was in November.

Take care, give it time and be sure you will overcome this. Keep posting, please.

[Hopeless777]

Totally normal Olivia. I was shopping at the  grocery store and full blast Cutting Crew's "I Just Died In You Arms Tonight" comes on. I had to leave immediately as the pain was too great. One year out this Memorial Day I can now listen to the song without weeping, but it's still raw. Life is tough. Hang in there.

[Beach_Babe]

That is a nice song, it would bring me to tears as well. I feel the same way, Olivia. I actually had to pretend I was sick and leave work the other day. I cried the entire way home when the song "Its so hard to say goodbye" by Boys II Men came on the radio. Then I hogged down at Mcdonalds, eating an entire meal deal. My face was red and puffy and I was so out of it the manager comped my meal. How embarassing. Then I cried again on the way home wondering how a stranger could show such empathy and kindness but my partner couldn't. Then I just felt angry at the 2 cluster B.  f***s I have for parents that made me into such a codependent mess.

I know how you feel, Olivia ... .and it pains me so much to see good people like you suffer. Hang in there please.

[Infared]

I am in therapy.  I have been with the same therapist for 10 years to deal with the aftermath of full spectrum exNPDH and NPD mother.  (I think I must have a target on my forehead).  My therapist keeps reminding me that it is very normal and expected to go through a grieving process for someone that was meaningful to me, regardless of his mental health. The focus is that it was meaningful to me.  My T keeps reminding me that only people who bond grieve the loss of a relationship.  If the other person is incapable of bonding, they are capable of detaching without a thought and rarely, if ever, will shed a tear or give it a second thought..  She went on to say that I am grieving him and the "illusion of him" without any closure.  She also had an interesting point when she said that these type of PD people do not participate in closure, they craft exit strategies and that some of his cryptic messages at the end were him giving me a foreshadowing of things to come as-if it were some mystery novel.  Shudder.  

Hmm... .if your therapist's words are true... .it certainly would explain the way that I was treated at the end and after the relationship. It was horrifying. 

[valet]

I am in therapy.  I have been with the same therapist for 10 years to deal with the aftermath of full spectrum exNPDH and NPD mother.  (I think I must have a target on my forehead).  My therapist keeps reminding me that it is very normal and expected to go through a grieving process for someone that was meaningful to me, regardless of his mental health. The focus is that it was meaningful to me.  My T keeps reminding me that only people who bond grieve the loss of a relationship.  If the other person is incapable of bonding, they are capable of detaching without a thought and rarely, if ever, will shed a tear or give it a second thought..  She went on to say that I am grieving him and the "illusion of him" without any closure.  She also had an interesting point when she said that these type of PD people do not participate in closure, they craft exit strategies and that some of his cryptic messages at the end were him giving me a foreshadowing of things to come as-if it were some mystery novel.  Shudder.  

Hmm... .if your therapist's words are true... .it certainly would explain the way that I was treated at the end and after the relationship. It was horrifying. 

Hey Infrared and Olivia_D.

I think what Olivia's therapist said might be pretty controversial, and I'm not sure if that's the truth.

From my understanding of pwBPD, they are quite capable of bonding indeed. It is just a trigger for them. They are afraid of that closeness, but it doesn't mean that they are incapable of it.

[Infared]

I am in therapy.  I have been with the same therapist for 10 years to deal with the aftermath of full spectrum exNPDH and NPD mother.  (I think I must have a target on my forehead).  My therapist keeps reminding me that it is very normal and expected to go through a grieving process for someone that was meaningful to me, regardless of his mental health. The focus is that it was meaningful to me.  My T keeps reminding me that only people who bond grieve the loss of a relationship.  If the other person is incapable of bonding, they are capable of detaching without a thought and rarely, if ever, will shed a tear or give it a second thought..  She went on to say that I am grieving him and the "illusion of him" without any closure.  She also had an interesting point when she said that these type of PD people do not participate in closure, they craft exit strategies and that some of his cryptic messages at the end were him giving me a foreshadowing of things to come as-if it were some mystery novel.  Shudder.  

Hmm... .if your therapist's words are true... .it certainly would explain the way that I was treated at the end and after the relationship. It was horrifying.  

Hey Infrared and Olivia_D.

I think what Olivia's therapist said might be pretty controversial, and I'm not sure if that's the truth.

From my understanding of pwBPD, they are quite capable of bonding indeed. It is just a trigger for them. They are afraid of that closeness, but it doesn't mean that they are incapable of it.

I know there are no absolutes, etc... .but what I witnessed (my perception is most certainly suspect), was a person detaching from me and attaching to another. It was done with immediacy and was complete. There was no consideration of me, or for me from that point forward... .as a matter of fact I seem to be a source of abuse or entertainment of the worst kind for both of them. It was disturbing and incredibly hurtful.

I felt a deep bond and respect for this person, (as I had for other relations in my life), I have trouble comprehending if this particular pwBPD had bonded to me that they could behave in this manner and treat me with such disrespect. It has really done a number on my perception of others... .in a VERY bad way.

[Olivia_D]

Valet & Infrared

I understand what you were saying about there being no absolutes or definitive answer and the point is well taken.  From what I have learned, the definitive answer is “it depends.”  I am certainly not an expert on any of these issues but I know that my therapist has a lifetime of experience (40 years) in helping people recover from traumatic relationships with PD people. 

So, it is my understanding that "it" depends on a lot of variables.  For instance, “it depends” on whether the PD person has demonstrated certain PD “traits” and are not per se personality disordered.  It is my understanding that Personality disorders exist on a continuum and range from mild PD to more severe (full spectrum) PD.  I suppose this is why the DSM requires a pervasive / ongoing pattern when looking at the diagnostic criteria for each type of personality disorder.

For me, I have been uncertain whether my recent ex is BPD / NPD / or ASPD.  What my therapist is saying is that regardless of the particular PD under Cluster B, “IF the other person is incapable of bonding, they are capable of detaching without a thought and rarely, if ever, will shed a tear or give it a second thought.”  She was not stating that all PD people are incapable of bonding (i.e., some may have traits without a pathological PD, some may be on the low end of the PD continuum, whereas, some may be on the further end of the continuum), she was indicating that “if” the person is incapable of bonding they can walk away easily as you are not a person but a thing / an object / a utility.  In other words, without diagnosing him, she was indicating that the lack of bonding is an indication of a more severe PD (such as a more severe case of BPD, NPD, and/or ASPD).

“IF” they are incapable of bonding, detachment is not a challenge as there was never an attachment to begin with and you served a purpose in the PD person’s life.  They can simply walk away and it causes them no distress.  This lack of empathy, lack of remorse, lack of attachment (bonding), pure discard / devaluation / destruction of you as a person indicates a more severe PD.  Whereas, a milder PD may be capable of bonding to a certain extent but may not be capable of maintaining a healthy / secure attachment to another person.  I guess for some BPD the push-pull is the tension between engulfment and enmeshment and they rotate between those extremes, at least that's my layperson understanding.

My ex seems to be more NPD / ASPD or an extreme BPD.  I am not sure and I am not sure that the label really matters much to me as my process of recovering from this is the same regardless of the origin / label of his issues. 

I also know that there is a lot of research on PD and attachment disorders / styles that are formed in early childhood.  Apparently, there are “secure attachments” and “insecure attachments.” The insecure attachments have 3 categories: (1) ambivalent-anxious attachment (clinging to caregiver), (2) avoidant attachment (rejecting caregiver), and disorganized attachment (alternates between clinging and then rejecting caregiver).  Sometimes—but not always—these early childhood attachment disorders / styles are viewed as a possible foundation for many personality disorders. 

Ambivalent-anxious – apparently want to be close and can be intimate but you tend to give up your needs to please and accommodate your partner.  (This sounds a lot like Co-Dependency.)

Avoidant – avoids true closeness and their independence / needs / wants are more important than intimacy; they can only enjoy closeness to a certain extent and are not comfortable in sharing feelings.  They have minor issues with or no true struggles in saying goodbye, protect their freedom, and delay or avoid commitment.  If they do commit, they engage in distancing behavior by being critical and stating ongoing dissatisfaction about the relationship.  They devalue the relationship and idealize another relationship.  (Sounds like some APD / BPD / and some NPD people).

Disorganized-they are afraid of closeness as see themselves as unworthy of love and support.  They lack empathy and remorse.  They are selfish, controlling, refuse personal responsibility for their actions, and disregard rules.  There is a high risk of alcohol / drug abuse.  They have chaotic relationships.  They do not give love or affection and are highly insensitive to their partner’s needs.  They rage, lack compassion, and are incapable of trusting.  (Sounds like NPD / ASPD).

For me, I think what my therapist was saying is that it doesn’t matter what the “label” or diagnosis is but the behavior of not being able to bond (regardless of the PD) can be an indicator of the severity of the issue that is more likely than not a pathological, deepy-rooted pattern / issue.  Certainly, there are some people with PD traits and some with milder PD people that with solid dedication to therapy can heal those wounds.  However, there are some more extreme PD people that will likely never go into therapy, do not engage in introspection, and have a very low likelihood of success even with treatment. 

The bottom line is that he has to address his issues if he ever does but his issues have nothing to do with me.  In my struggle to unravel my Co-Dependent traits / behaviors, I feel somewhat responsible for the problems of others as-if I can fix them; and, I have a difficult time in determining what are healthy and unhealthy behaviors in a relationship.  Growing up with a NPD mother and having a long-term relationship with an exNPD Husband, who both enjoyed turning me into the scapegoat, has wreaked havoc in my mind.  I am attempting to work on my stuff so I am less susceptible to seeking external approval of who I am as a person.  It is a huge challenge but I know that this is the common denominator in my lifelong pattern of allowing unhealthy people to enter and/or remain in my life. 

For me, the bottom line is whether this person is healthy for me or not.  I do believe that there are some PD people that can recover but I also know that I have too much work to do on myself to be able to discern between those that can and those that can't and it is too easy for me to focus my energy on helping someone rather than working on my own issues.  Until I get a grip on my stuff, I cannot see the forest for the trees.

Hugs, Olivia_D

[Infared]

Well said Olivia.

[fromheeltoheal]

A lot of good stuff on bonding and attachment styles in this thread.  My ex could bond, but she was convinced everyone would leave, and that belief was backed up by many, many references, so she protected herself a lot and wouldn't come to me emotionally.  I don't blame her really, although I forged ahead in the face of red flags I never stopped feeling them and had one foot out the door emotionally, me protecting myself, so two people protecting themselves from each other does not a healthy relationship make.

Anyway, there are a lot of threads full of song lyrics and I don't participate in general, but I remember playing a bunch of "90's hits" in the car once, and my ex said about the following song "That is exactly me, me to a T, I love this song."  So there was some self awareness and honesty that I chose to ignore.

I hate the world today

You're so good to me

I know but I can't change

Tried to tell you

But you look at me like maybe

I'm an angel underneath

Innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried

Must have been relieved to see

The softer side

I can understand how you'd be so confused

I don't envy you

I'm a little bit of everything

All rolled into one

I'm a b___, I'm a lover

I'm a child, I'm a mother

I'm a sinner, I'm a saint

I do not feel ashamed

I'm your hell, I'm your dream

I'm nothing in between

You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am

This may mean

You'll have to be a stronger man

Rest assured that

When I start to make you nervous

And I'm going to extremes

Tomorrow I will change

And today won't mean a thing

Just when you think, you got me figured out

The season's already changing

I think it's cool, you do what you do

And don't try to save me

I'm a b___, I'm a tease

I'm a goddess on my knees

When you hurt, when you suffer

I'm your angel undercover

I've been numb, I'm revived

Can't say I'm not alive

You know I wouldn't want it any other way

[PaintedBlack28]

Very nice assesment Olivia! Thanks for sharing this.

Watch this excellent interview... .  https://youtu.be/Oe3PZv0MS7o

Check out 19:13 and 23:59

Hope you're better today.

[Trog]

I just spent an hour in Burger King with love songs on full blast. No emotion and no trigger just a wry smile at the choice of music. It gets better.

[fromheeltoheal]

I just spent an hour in Burger King with love songs on full blast. No emotion and no trigger just a wry smile at the choice of music. It gets better.

"Burger King - Have It Your Way."  Exactly.  The King had it right all along, good for you Trog!

[Trog]

I just spent an hour in Burger King with love songs on full blast. No emotion and no trigger just a wry smile at the choice of music. It gets better.

"Burger King - Have It Your Way."  Exactly.  The King had it right all along, good for you Trog!

I had a one of their new chicken burgers, fries and a coke. Very tasty too :D

[Olivia_D]

Trog - Maybe I need to go to Burger King instead of McDonald's!   

I am holding on to the hope that it does get better.  Right now, I am being a hermit and just avoiding civilization.  I feel stuck and keep holding on to it being a part of the process.  I just feel like I need to snap out of it but the next day comes and I just seem to spin around in it.  Ugh.  A friend is taking me along on a trip to get me out of my usual trip and I hope that I can perk up.

[Trog]

Trog - Maybe I need to go to Burger King instead of McDonald's!   

I am holding on to the hope that it does get better.  Right now, I am being a hermit and just avoiding civilization.  I feel stuck and keep holding on to it being a part of the process.  I just feel like I need to snap out of it but the next day comes and I just seem to spin around in it.  Ugh.  A friend is taking me along on a trip to get me out of my usual trip and I hope that I can perk up.

It's a phase of healing. It's the mammalian response to self isolate when in pain (unless u r BPD). You will get over it, then you'll fall back into it for a bit, then realise you are actually ok, then, wobble, cry, jump in a corner and then that's that

You can see I am spending too much time alone?

Seriously though, yes, it's a process and you backslide sometimes but yeah you'll pull thru to the point where You can handle a ballad.

[Olivia_D]

Trog, It is exhausting and I don't have the energy to try and explain it to people in my life.  I guess I am retreating into solitude to regroup and cry.  Definitely not BPD (I have asked my T at least 100 times).  I've had a long struggle with PTSD so I know that I tend to avoid sensory overload when I am tired.  I am usually more introverted than extroverted but I have never just hidden in my house.  Right now, I think that part of that hiding is that I may just start crying at any minute.  I don't know.  I just know that this is not fun. 

[Trog]

Trog, It is exhausting and I don't have the energy to try and explain it to people in my life.  I guess I am retreating into solitude to regroup and cry.  Definitely not BPD (I have asked my T at least 100 times).  I've had a long struggle with PTSD so I know that I tend to avoid sensory overload when I am tired.  I am usually more introverted than extroverted but I have never just hidden in my house.  Right now, I think that part of that hiding is that I may just start crying at any minute.  I don't know.  I just know that this is not fun. 

I'm really sorry you are struggling at this point. One thing I found that helped me when I was isolating was treating myself to things to look forward to. Do you have anything to focus on external to all this?

[fromheeltoheal]

Trog, It is exhausting and I don't have the energy to try and explain it to people in my life.  I guess I am retreating into solitude to regroup and cry.  :)efinitely not BPD (I have asked my T at least 100 times).  I've had a long struggle with PTSD so I know that I tend to avoid sensory overload when I am tired.  I am usually more introverted than extroverted but I have never just hidden in my house.  Right now, I think that part of that hiding is that I may just start crying at any minute.  I don't know.  I just know that this is not fun.  

I did the same thing Olivia, although I avoided calling it hiding because that felt bad or wrong to me.  I was regrouping, processing, whatever, but I needed to do that because EVERYTHING changed for me after the relationship ended, my entire reality really, and I really wasn't in the mood for external input.  It's all good, and it is also important to venture out into the world intentionally, just to do it, a little bit, as we build a new reality post-relationship.  It's actually cool if we take baby steps; life can be whatever we want it to be and building from scratch leaves limitless possibilities.  Take care of you!