how do healthy and normal r/s end ?

[dobie]

Just thinking back on the times I've been dumped with both girls they were visibly upset and empathetic we had the i don't think I love you anymore talk , we cried they left they tried to reach out and see how I was . We met had closure there was no hate or anger or resentment it was just sadness and them trying to let me down gently . saying lovely things the " its not you its me " .

They felt guilt , shame , etc

With my uBPDxfaince there was some caring , confliction and empathy in the first week (not much) then the full force of resentment , anger and blame started .


I guess what I'm asking is what's a normal way to BU when there has been no infidelity or abuse from a normal healthy person ?



I haven't been dumped since I was 22 I'm 37 so its hard to remember .

[valet]

Breaking up is never easy. I don't think that pwBPD go through any emotions that a non wouldn't.

The thing is, the pwBPD will experience those emotions on the most extreme points of that spectrum.

If they tell you 'it's not you, it's me', they could be meaning that it is all them. Their levels of guilt and shame are massive, and there is some deficiency in them and their personhood that makes them unlikeable—bad people.

If they blame you during the breakup, then chances are that you're still painted black, to the most immense degree, and that you indeed are the problem for them. It would be like saying 'I can't take it anymore', but to the furthest extent of the meaning of the phrase.

Either way, it is a case of black and white thinking. The more self-aware pwBPD will probably blame themselves, and the less will probably blame their partner. In reality, however, the subconscious coping mechanism always relies on some lack of awareness of self-hatred, instability, and deep personal guilt carried from their childhood traumas.

Very sad.

[dobie]

Breaking up is never easy. I don't think that pwBPD go through any emotions that a non wouldn't.

The thing is, the pwBPD will experience those emotions on the most extreme points of that spectrum.

If they tell you 'it's not you, it's me', they could be meaning that it is all them. Their levels of guilt and shame are massive, and there is some deficiency in them and their personhood that makes them unlikeable—bad people.

If they blame you during the breakup, then chances are that you're still painted black, to the most immense degree, and that you indeed are the problem for them. It would be like saying 'I can't take it anymore', but to the furthest extent of the meaning of the phrase.

Either way, it is a case of black and white thinking. The more self-aware pwBPD will probably blame themselves, and the less will probably blame their partner. In reality, however, the subconscious coping mechanism always relies on some lack of awareness of self-hatred, instability, and deep personal guilt carried from their childhood traumas.

Very sad.

Funny she said it was not fair for her to blame me it just a case of her feelings had changed etc then proceeded to at full force when I wanted reasons

[valet]

I understand your frustration with that experience dobie. It's a pretty common thing during breakups with a pwBPD.

My ex said the same things, and I wanted reasons too, but all she could say was that she just didn't know why.

I didn't press her on the issue, because I knew beforehand that there was something just 'off' with her mental state in the last year or so of the relationship. She didn't have answers, and that's perfectly alright.

You, on the other hand, have to suffer the consequences of that, but at least the answers are actually out there for you. She will most likely add this to the massive pile of shame and guilt that she has already acquired thus far in life. It's a sad reality to say this, but you are far better off then she is, no matter how it might seem at the current moment.

Be grateful for that, and try to find as much empathy as you can for her. It gets easier over time, but I believe that these are two critical elements of making a full recovery.

[dobie]

I understand your frustration with that experience dobie. It's a pretty common thing during breakups with a pwBPD.

My ex said the same things, and I wanted reasons too, but all she could say was that she just didn't know why.

I didn't press her on the issue, because I knew beforehand that there was something just 'off' with her mental state in the last year or so of the relationship. She didn't have answers, and that's perfectly alright.

You, on the other hand, have to suffer the consequences of that, but at least the answers are actually out there for you. She will most likely add this to the massive pile of shame and guilt that she has already acquired thus far in life. It's a sad reality to say this, but you are far better off then she is, no matter how it might seem at the current moment.

Be grateful for that, and try to find as much empathy as you can for her. It gets easier over time, but I believe that these are two critical elements of making a full recovery.

I'm struggling with the devaluation the hardest I think valet its a total trashing of who I am . I realise due to my foo I never developed healthy self esteem although if you met me you would find me outgoing , confident and gregarious but its all false

The hardest part for me is not her being gone , its not the financial ruin its not the possible cheating its how I opened up showed her the real me and she threw it in the trash for me that's the hardest and most traumatic part of the end of this r/s espically for once in that I actually did everything I thought was right I really really tried I changed for the better in so many ways

Its that your not good enough , your nothing , your gum on my shoe that has kept me stuck with this pain .

I don't love dobie and her someone I respected and loved not loving him devualing him well that's the devastation I'm finding it hardest to deal with .

[Achaya]

The hardest part for me is not her being gone , its not the financial ruin its not the possible cheating its how I opened up showed her the real me and she threw it in the trash for me that's the hardest and most traumatic part of the end of this r/s espically for once in that I actually did everything I thought was right I really really tried I changed for the better in so many ways

Its that your not good enough , your nothing , your gum on my shoe that has kept me stuck with this pain .

I felt the same way as you do, I gave my ex everything that I am and showed her parts of me that I have not shown anyone else. I did feel at first like the trash she treated me as. I would suggest several things that have been helpful to me:

1. According to the polls that Skip posts from time to time, the vast majority of people posting on this board were dumped. Those who did initiate the official breakup appear to have been left emotionally long before that, in many cases. Do you think that all those people posting here deserved to be treated that way? We are not responsible for how other people manage their emotions or their sexual behaviors.

2. Who knows to what extent your ex accurately saw the "real you" that you exposed to her view? PwBPDs distort a lot. Sometimes they see what they want to see and sometimes they see what they dread, but it is always in all-or-nothing terms.

3. When they do accurately see that they are loved, which my ex said she did, it doesn't stop them from discarding us. My ex told me in a text yesterday that I am "probably the only person who ever tried to connect with and know" her. Why would she leave me if she sees it that way? I managed to get through to her in ways her previous partners didn't, but at the end, there was the same result. I hope I can find someone who tried to connect with me and know me; I at least understand how rare and precious that gift really is.

[DyingLove]

First off, in this normal relationship that we are fantasizing about, why is there a BU?  That would be important in my opinion. Now if your ex had a problem, and that was the reason you were Breaking up, doesn't that kinda mean that it's not a normal relationship?  Gosh, there are such fine lines in all this stuff.

In a normal relationship, I would picture myself not breaking up, because things would be fine.  If my partner dies, oh well that's not really a BU.  But if she accuses me of cheating, someones got a problem.  If she just wants to be on her own, I don't know, that could still be a problem.

I think the severity of the BU will vary, and there will never be a BU that is just: Toodaloo, see ya round in life!

The RS before my exBPDgf and I, I was with a gal of 17 years. She was my love and my business partner.  She met someone online that she "took" too.  Not that age matters, but he was nearly 20 years my senior, and 30 years her senior. I went to pieces when I discovered this. After the anger I had for her, I got swallowed up in my own guilt.  I honestly believed it was my fault.  Months later I discovered it wasn't. And only then was I able to move on.

The severity of that RS was poppycock compared to the RS BU with my exBPD. Back then I was an amateur and this turned me into a professional.  17 years versus the 4 years with BPD.  Four years proved to be more devastating.  Neither were healthy BU's, neither were initiated by me, but the astounding pain and suffering are obvious with the BPD.

The 17 year RS I did all I could to become a better man, and I also researched self help and related issues.  Never never did anything with a mind illness surface and I still don't believe that she suffered with anything remotely like BPD.  I could be wrong!  I like to say: What else don't I know.

Both BU's were depressing, but the 17 year one was way easier to get over.

[dobie]

The hardest part for me is not her being gone , its not the financial ruin its not the possible cheating its how I opened up showed her the real me and she threw it in the trash for me that's the hardest and most traumatic part of the end of this r/s espically for once in that I actually did everything I thought was right I really really tried I changed for the better in so many ways

Its that your not good enough , your nothing , your gum on my shoe that has kept me stuck with this pain .

I felt the same way as you do, I gave my ex everything that I am and showed her parts of me that I have not shown anyone else. I did feel at first like the trash she treated me as. I would suggest several things that have been helpful to me:

1. According to the polls that Skip posts from time to time, the vast majority of people posting on this board were dumped. Those who did initiate the official breakup appear to have been left emotionally long before that, in many cases. Do you think that all those people posting here deserved to be treated that way? We are not responsible for how other people manage their emotions or their sexual behaviors.

2. Who knows to what extent your ex accurately saw the "real you" that you exposed to her view? PwBPDs distort a lot. Sometimes they see what they want to see and sometimes they see what they dread, but it is always in all-or-nothing terms.

3. When they do accurately see that they are loved, which my ex said she did, it doesn't stop them from discarding us. My ex told me in a text yesterday that I am "probably the only person who ever tried to connect with and know" her. Why would she leave me if she sees it that way? I managed to get through to her in ways her previous partners didn't, but at the end, there was the same result. I hope I can find someone who tried to connect with me and know me; I at least understand how rare and precious that gift really is.

I honestly don't know if she thought I really loved her ... .when I asked her just before we broke up she told me people had told her (could be how she felt or just playing the martyr)

She also accused me of only really being upset because I could now not buy the house and would be worse off ... .

I really don't know what the truth is in her mind .

When I teased her that I didn't want to be married in the afterlife as I had done my time she got very upset (this was during a year when she admitted after the BU  she did not love me )

I know if I called her "mate" she would also get very upset (again all during a year when she supposedly was not in love with me )

I think because she has a hard time trusting she can't trust anyone else .

I hope she knows I love/d her I think its easier for her to think I didn't /dont

Her view of me was this amazing man comorbid with this nasty gold digger and user  that she would flip between .

She asked me once if I would sleep with her mother , or if any of her friends had tried it on with me . she was even suspicious when I went for a drink with my boss

Weird paranoid stuff to be sure especially for someone not in love .

[Achaya]

I honestly don't know if she thought I really loved her ... .when I asked her just before we broke up she told me people had told her (could be how she felt or just playing the martyr)

She also accused me of only really being upset because I could now not buy the house and would be worse off ... .

I really don't know what the truth is in her mind .

When I teased her that I didn't want to be married in the afterlife as I had done my time she got very upset (this was during a year when she admitted after the BU  she did not love me )

I know if I called her "mate" she would also get very upset (again all during a year when she supposedly was not in love with me )

I think because she has a hard time trusting she can't trust anyone else .

I hope she knows I love/d her I think its easier for her to think I didn't /dont

Her view of me was this amazing man comorbid with this nasty gold digger and user  that she would flip between .

She asked me once if I would sleep with her mother , or if any of her friends had tried it on with me . she was even suspicious when I went for a drink with my boss

Weird paranoid stuff to be sure especially for someone not in love .[/quote]
My understanding is that pwBPD have a number of separated mental compartments, and what is true in one isn't true in the others. My ex told me in a text last week that she is in a major crisis after the BU, and she has "all these opposite things going on" in her head. I asked her what makes her shift from one to another and she didn't have any idea. I asked her if each perspective has so much pain in it that she hops to another place hoping for relief, but again, has to hop out of the pain of the next compartment. She said that is what it is like for her. There is no safe compartment within her; she uses others as safe compartments to stay for awhile. I think that when she gets to the point where she feels safe with someone else she thinks she has done it on her own and dumps them. She kind of said as much.

We get obsessed with trying to resolve the contradictory messages we got from them, but they themselves are not so troubled. They can't stand feeling their internal conflict. My ex told me that whenever she felt conflict within herself she wanted to kill herself. She dealt with conflicting feelings and perspectives by feeling just one at a time and ignoring the others. I just read a quote from a BPD patient to her therapist that was published in a textbook: the patient said "with exasperation (according to the therapist)," "You keep trying to put everything together and I am trying to keep everything apart."

I think that part of the reason we stay obsessed with our exes is that we have a normal need to resolve contradictions. Our exes for the most part don't want to sort out "what really happened" because they can't face their mixed feelings about anyone or anything.