Just Escaped Abusive BPD Husband

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello there! I'm new here, and wanted to thank everyone so much for all your posts. This community has truly helped me to build up the strength to leave, and to know that I am not alone.

I finally had the courage to leave my BPD husband tonight! The entire time I was with him was one abusive, traumatic nightmare. There were red flags in the beginning, which of course I ignored. It only took about 4 months for him to take the mask off, first with yelling and put-downs, then name-calling and accusations of infidelity, then breaking my things, punching himself in the head, threatening to kill the cat, and finally physical violence against me. He never hit me, but pushed me, pinned me down on the floor, pulled my hair, and choked me twice. He even tried to summon demons to torment me one night, in one of his drunken rages.

For some reason, his words hurt more than anything. He threw water in my face once, which also hurt. I spat in his face more than once when he wouldn't let me go. I wanted to leave, but had just moved with him to a new city where I had no family, no friends, and no money. I felt so afraid and trapped. At first I thought maybe it WAS my fault. Maybe if I had made 12 cups of coffee instead of 10 he wouldn't yell. Maybe if I wasn't on my computer when he came home he wouldn't worry that I might be chatting with other men. All that, of course, is nonsense.

We moved back home and it took me several more years to build up the courage and strength to leave. Packed everything that would fit in the car and escaped while he was at work today. Right now, I am staying with a friend until I can find a job and get my own place. My car tag is expired, my insurance expires in a few days, I have no money or savings, and I am happier than I have been in years. I wasn't mentally or emotionally healthy when I stared dating him, and somehow this awful experience has shown me that I do matter, I do deserve peace, and I do love myself. For the first time in my life, I love myself.

I also stayed far too long because of threats of suicide. Even though I knew I couldn't be responsible for others' choices, the thought that a life might end because of me kept me far longer than I wanted to stay. I blocked his number & went NC. I just got a voicemail but am not checking it. I will eventually have to see or speak with him again to sign the divorce papers, but I am not worried about that right now. I need to heal and enjoy my newfound peace and freedom.

I encourage anyone out there who wants to leave but is too afraid or feels trapped: It IS possible, and your ex's world won't end. Most likely, they'll move on quite soon to the next victim. Peace within our home, and the freedom to make our own choices are basic human rights. Stay strong, it took me years but it can be done!

[spacemadness]

Hello there! I'm new here, and wanted to thank everyone so much for all your posts. This community has truly helped me to build up the strength to leave, and to know that I am not alone.

I finally had the courage to leave my BPD husband tonight! The entire time I was with him was one abusive, traumatic nightmare. There were red flags in the beginning, which of course I ignored. It only took about 4 months for him to take the mask off, first with yelling and put-downs, then name-calling and accusations of infidelity, then breaking my things, punching himself in the head, threatening to kill the cat, and finally physical violence against me. He never hit me, but pushed me, pinned me down on the floor, pulled my hair, and choked me twice. He even tried to summon demons to torment me one night, in one of his drunken rages.

For some reason, his words hurt more than anything. He threw water in my face once, which also hurt. I spat in his face more than once when he wouldn't let me go. I wanted to leave, but had just moved with him to a new city where I had no family, no friends, and no money. I felt so afraid and trapped. At first I thought maybe it WAS my fault. Maybe if I had made 12 cups of coffee instead of 10 he wouldn't yell. Maybe if I wasn't on my computer when he came home he wouldn't worry that I might be chatting with other men. All that, of course, is nonsense.

We moved back home and it took me several more years to build up the courage and strength to leave. Packed everything that would fit in the car and escaped while he was at work today. Right now, I am staying with a friend until I can find a job and get my own place. My car tag is expired, my insurance expires in a few days, I have no money or savings, and I am happier than I have been in years. I wasn't mentally or emotionally healthy when I stared dating him, and somehow this awful experience has shown me that I do matter, I do deserve peace, and I do love myself. For the first time in my life, I love myself.

I also stayed far too long because of threats of suicide. Even though I knew I couldn't be responsible for others' choices, the thought that a life might end because of me kept me far longer than I wanted to stay. I blocked his number & went NC. I just got a voicemail but am not checking it. I will eventually have to see or speak with him again to sign the divorce papers, but I am not worried about that right now. I need to heal and enjoy my newfound peace and freedom.

I encourage anyone out there who wants to leave but is too afraid or feels trapped: It IS possible, and your ex's world won't end. Most likely, they'll move on quite soon to the next victim. Peace within our home, and the freedom to make our own choices are basic human rights. Stay strong, it took me years but it can be done!

[once removed]

hey spacemadness 

i simply cant imagine. im glad for you that youre getting out of there, have a plan in place, and good friends in a time of need.

"Maybe if I had made 12 cups of coffee instead of 10 he wouldn't yell. Maybe if I wasn't on my computer when he came home he wouldn't worry that I might be chatting with other men. All that, of course, is nonsense."

im also glad you understand this is not your fault. abuse of any kind is not your fault.

"I wasn't mentally or emotionally healthy when I stared dating him, and somehow this awful experience has shown me that I do matter, I do deserve peace, and I do love myself. For the first time in my life, I love myself."

im thrilled to read this. it must be what gave you the drive to escape from an abusive situation. its going to serve you incredibly well down the road.

"I need to heal and enjoy my newfound peace and freedom." 

[ZeusRLX]

Good for you, I'm rooting for you.

Stay strong, you can do this. Nobody should put up with the level of abuse you have experienced... .

You've worried about others enough. Focus on yourself and the healthy life and relationships you deserve.

[disillusionedandsore]

Well done!

I know how hard that can be, the self doubt etc You are doing the right thing.  Don't look back!

Love doesn't hurt!   

[wishfulthinking]

WOW... .I think you were married to MY BPDh (soon to be ex)... .right down to the demons... .Also. those pushes and restraints will turn to hitting.  I never thought mine would hit... .till he did.

Makes me wonder how many BPD's have religious... .ummm... .issues?  That's not the right word, but I'm tired. 

Mine called me satan more than once during a rage.  Thinks he is full of demons at times, and during a bad drug trip he had last week, said God was exorcizing him of demons.  He likes to think he is very Godly, but he is far from it.

Sorry we are going through this... .I am fresh "out the door" on my BPDh, too.  Here for you if you want to talk.

[spacemadness]

Thank you for all your kind words. Quick update: yesterday he drove to the town I'm now staying in, and drove around looking for me until he saw my car (I made the mistake of stopping by my sibling's house to check on my cat). He was yelling, crying, then attacked me verbally. He drove off in a rage only to come back and yell some more. I called the police after he left & they are keeping an eye out for his vehicle. I have since hidden my car in a friend's garage, and staying at another friend's house.

Even after all this, I had the urge to call him today (I didn't). I have read about trauma bonds, and I know it will take time to heal. This is only the third day. I felt so angry and trapped with him, and now I just feel hurt, sad and empty. I am stubborn though, and am using that as a source of strength to remain NC. This is probably the most difficult thing I've ever done, but I know things will get better. It just hurts right now.

[disillusionedandsore]

Oh my God I have been there... .The pull to go back in the beginning is intense and I felt like I was loosing my mind... .A friend told me when she was trying to break away from her now ex that she kept thinking "dignity"... .I used something similar, as well as these boards... .I wrote 'I AM DONE' across the calendar and kept counting up the days like it was some habit I was breaking!  The beginning is cruelly painful,  no lie,  but you know why you need to leave,  keep reminding yourself of that. I told myself over and over 'I truly deserve to be loved,  to feel safe,  to be loved for who I am,  to be seen and heard as I am' ... .  You deserve happiness,  kindness,  peace of mind,  safety,  love,  respect each and every moment of every day

[PaintedBlack28]

Spacemadness, congratulations! Welcome to the world of the living! It was a necessary step to rake and I'm glad this man couldn't break your soul and that you pulled out from that nightmare. All the best for you, stay strong and stay safe. Congrats again!

[November_Rain]

It sounds so similar to my soon to be ex husband as well! We met in church and married after only 6 months. Our 2nd month of marriage we started counseling for his angry outbursts and abusive behavior. I got pregnant after 5 months of marriage and that is when the physical abuse began. I kept telling myself he would stop... .It never did. Now our child is 5 months old and I finally had enough of it. I could take the physical abuse, but he hit my son (16 y/o from my first marriage). That I could not and would not tolerate. He hit me one last time and I filed a restraining order. As soon as I did he filed for divorce. He is just not willing to get help. He even told the judge I put the bruises on myself so it sounds like he can't even admit it to himself. He has painted me black to anyone that will listen to him. It is strange though... .it has been 1 month since he was made to leave our home due to the r/o and now I suddenly find myself missing him and want to reach out to him. I have maintained no contact, but it is difficult. I'll get to thinking about all of  his great qualities and wishful thinking of how things could be if he got help. The truth is, he doesn't want help. He blames me for everything and is unable to see his responsibility in things. My question is... .does he hurt over the loss of our marriage? If so, then why not just admit he needs help. The judge did order him into a batterer intervention program, but he has to be willing to get the help or else it will do no good. Any thoughts?

[Mutt]

He was yelling, crying, then attacked me verbally. He drove off in a rage only to come back and yell some more.

Hi spacemadness,



I bet that was a very scary experience. I'm so sorry you had to go through this  

I can understand how hard this is and I think that you are a courageous person. Keep us posted.

Hang in there.


----Mutt

[wishfulthinking]

Isn't it wild how interchangeable out pwBPD's are? Mine would leave the room, come back and tell, leave, come back, over and over. I even remember one of the last times I had my old cat sitting on me in my bedroom and BPDh left the room, I said to my cat, hold on... .he'll be back in about 10 seconds.  I was right. Not that it mattered to my cat. Lol. But my mind had to make it a game to get through it.

I also had whirlwind courtship, 2 weeks after married was first rage. I was dumbstruck, mine escalated, but now the past 6 months were probably from drug use- his not mine- I've never done drugs. That sealed the fate. Even split up, I fought thinking of counseling together, but drugs... .NOPE. I miss his good side like mad, though. Want his arms around me. Can't do it. Must be strong.