For those that did break NC

[confusedinWI]

For those of you that broke No Contact after you had been NC for awhile what was your reason for it?

What was the outcome? Is there anything that can be said from the other person that will help to alleviate the pain, help to try to understand if they really loved you, or felt certain ways about you?

Or did it just set you back even more?

[Mutt]

Is there anything that can be said from the other person that will help to alleviate the pain, help to try to understand if they really loved you, or felt certain ways about you?

From my experience if I mentioned anything about our marriage, her behaviors and reasons for leaving I was met with vitriol and threatened to have the police called on me.

It was not until much after her honeymoon phase was over and her boyfriend had moved in for a few months with her that she said sorry about how she left. I think that she may of said sorry because she's triggered with intimacy and wants me as a bench-warmer. I took the apology for what it was regardless because I know she has social impairments and if I pushed she would freeze and shut down.

How do you feel? Do you feel like you've healed enough to break NC?

[confusedinWI]

No not even close. I think after the break up I idealized her and I'm afraid to even just run into her. I think my self esteem is so low if she said or did anything that was negative it would destroy me so much.

I just wanted her to love me and find me attractive forever

[Mutt]

I can understand how hard it is when we're not given closure and want to talk, maybe plead or leave it open to re-uniting later with an ex.

I think that you have the right idea that if you're feeling low and if she said anything negative that it may make set you back. It's likely not a good idea to break NC and I think it's a good idea to share here.

What do you mean you idealized her after the break-up?

[Lu Lu]

I broke N/C after four long months . It became easier after a while but then I started to miss her dreadfully , long for her and I convinced myself I was lost without her .

I contacted her and it was great for only a very short time !

The scary rot set in very quickly , even though I had tried communicating with her much more and spoke about strategies to not fall into misery again .

The mind games started and I tried to say to communicate more and she went mad at me .

There's a reason you left . Think of why you left .

Do you want to return to what was going on before ?

Can your self esteem take one more knock ?

If your like me you sit and miss all the good and forget the terrible reasons why you left .

I'm no expert at all , but think of yourself here and how your self esteem will suffer if you break no contact and the games begin again .

Is your self esteem better with or without ?

So sorry your feeling so terrible . Lots of us on here can really relate !

X

[UserName69]

Couple days ago I think I saw my exBPD, I decided to send her a SMS because she looked so messed up. She did reply back but she didn't answer my question. We had a small chat, and later she didn't respond for one day. She might think I want her back which isn't true since I'm completely done over her and I'm dating an another girl. Now I'm realizing that I shouldn't had send her that text. It only reminded me what kind of ____ she is and why I started to hate her and still do and always will do. There is no way I could ever love her nor sleep with her. I don't miss anything.

Today I was watching a soccer match at a bar and when my favorite team scored I decided to tell her I'm not going to text her. I blocked her number on my phone and when I have time I'm going to give her back a couple presents she gave me. She blocked me but there might be one day she's going to unblock me and contact me thats the reason why I have blocked her on FB. I have no feelings for her so it really didn't bother me, even if something bad would happen to her I wouldn't care. Even if I see her the next time I will ignore her.

[Achaya]

My ex broke the NC agreement last week. She texted me to ask how I was doing and told me she isn't doing well at all. I talked to her briefly over text and we have met once. She also sent me a couple emails. She took full responsibility for the demise of our relationship and sincerely apologized for her on/off relating pattern, her emotional abuse and her ultimate abandonment of me. She understands and accepts for the first time that this pattern is part of the BPD that was diagnosed years ago. Both of us knew about the diagnosis when we got together, but neither of us knew this was part of it. She has done the same behaviors with previous partners, but there were so many other issues in those relationships she never knew how many of the problems were hers and how many were caused by the other person.

She doesn't have any interest in getting back together, except to "make (me) happy," and she said she can't honestly tell me what I want to hear "now that we both know it is bs." I still am in love with her, but I fully accept that she can't give me the closeness, stability and commitment I need in a partner. So I am still very sad at times, but my questions were all answered and I am at peace.

I feel very fortunate that my ex was able to face these very difficult realities about her disorder. She is having a tougher time than I am now because of that. It helped me a great deal to have the opportunity to talk to her about how our relationship unravelled. I think that is a more normal way to detach; the sudden abandonment without explanation and without any discussion of why she left made the grief so much worse.

I wish that everyone on this board could have a similar opportunity to connect with a partner who is honestly trying to confront herself or himself and who at least cares enough about you as a human being to acknowledge the pain you are going through.

What I can tell you is that everything my ex said about her feelings and behavior in the relationship exactly matched what has been taught to us on these boards about BPD. If your ex had BPD (rather than narcissism or some other combination of disorders) that person probably did abuse and leave you because of the disorder, and not because they just weren't that into you anymore.

From my ex's perspective, the main conclusion to draw from our relationship and her former relationships is that she is "not capable of real love." She said that she entered the relationship hoping she could "actually do that," but found that she couldn't sustain the feeling. She believes that what she offered me as love was partly a false construction on her part, a product of wishful thinking. On the other hand, she has affirmed that she loves me greatly on other levels and I know that to be true. Unfortunately, those are levels where I operated primarily as a caretaker. My ex isn't able to reciprocate on those levels. Even during our last face-to-face conversation she accepted all the support I gave her, then told me she wished she could reciprocate, but couldn't. I think that the truth about whether our BPD exes "really loved" us is more complicated than even my ex recognizes at this point.

It doesn't matter to me anymore. I just miss her now and feel the loss of the beautiful moments we shared, the present and future I thought we would have. It's more like normal grief I feel now, and I know that time will heal that. So even though my ex couldn't tell me she is still in love with me, she gave me something that is much more real and constructive for us both in the long run. And as much as she is hurting right now, I know that she has the understanding to move forward in her life if she is willing to do the work. I will hope and pray that you all find the same peace I feel today.

[dobie]

Breaking nc made me look like an ass  , impowered her more and devalued me to her and myself

My x is a pro victim (stealth bully) best thing is to be indifferent or strong anything else she feels disgust

[confusedinWI]

Breaking nc made me look like an ass  , impowered her more and devalued me to her and myself

My x is a pro victim (stealth bully) best thing is to be indifferent or strong anything else she feels disgust

Dobie thank you for your words. I'm having a hard day and just sometimes wish to talk to her but alas I know she is with someone else so talking to her would only set me back more.

Next Monday is my birthday and it will hurt a bit to not her from her

[dobie]

Breaking nc made me look like an ass  , impowered her more and devalued me to her and myself

My x is a pro victim (stealth bully) best thing is to be indifferent or strong anything else she feels disgust

Dobie thank you for your words. I'm having a hard day and just sometimes wish to talk to her but alas I know she is with someone else so talking to her would only set me back more.

Next Monday is my birthday and it will hurt a bit to not her from her

Trust me don't do it ! If I could have had my time back I would have told her to walk the minute she started to dump me gone 100% nc and told her what a selfish b%%%h she is

The more u chase , pine , act reasonable show kindness the more they despise u

If she wants to contact you believe me the selfish biatch will

Look after u

Fwiw mine dumped me two days before my bday and justified it as she didn't want to dump me after what the heck

[Invictus01]

I broke NC back in February, about 3 months after she left. Sent her a text and told her that I loved her and that until we are on the same level emotionally, there is no way I would be her "friend", I just couldn't do it to myself. She waited a few hours to reply, then replied with "I wish I felt the same about you, but as of right now, I don't. I still want your friendship but I understand if it is all or nothing for you" I dropped it right there, went into NC again. A couple of months ago after almost 2 months of additional NC, she texted me out of nowhere, telling me that she was moving much closer to me (before it was a long distance thing) and wanted to meet up. I have had very light contact with her the last a couple of months, she keeps on bringing up meeting up... .I am fairly certain if we ever agreed to meet up, she would flake on me. That's what she did the very last time I had a trip lined up to go see her back in November/December - dropped a "you are such a great friend" text on me and disappeared. Anyway, that's my "breaking NC" story.

[Madison66]

Hey confusedinWi,

I had four b/u's in a two year period with my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  I walked away fed up each time I believe trying to flee the chaos and abuse.  The first two b/u's, she broke n/c and I came back.  The third b/u I was so confused and beaten down that I really started to feel like I was the issue.  It was classic trauma bond stuff.  I broke n/c and came back to her even though I knew I was miserable.  I finally walked away for good a couple months later after two physical attacks.  I was happy to get out, but I still broke n/c one day (she lived on my block) when I ran into her at a coffee shop up the street about a week after the final b/u.  I missed the good parts of the r/s, but didn't want to get back with her.  Regardless, I walked down the street with her and attempted to have a warm closure conversation with her.  I believe I was looking for her to at least apologize for the physical attacks and for doing hundreds of dollars of damage to my home on her way out in front of her D10.  She acted all happy and said she was pretty much over me and looking forward to meeting someone who better matched her values and needs.  She then attempted to set the tone for our r/s moving forward by saying she still wanted me to be a part of her kid's lives because we were close and for us to still hang out.  Ugh!

I'll tell you what, I kicked myself hard for breaking n/c and attempting to have a closure discussion with her.  This especially after seeing three different cars in her driveway overnight during the first week of our b/u!  At the same time, I believe I needed to see and hear her f'd up reaction to our talk along with seeing the replacements she was obviously sleeping with immediately after our b/u.  While I was really unsettled by what I saw and heard, it validated my decision to leave the r/s and helped me to stop idealizing her.  It also reaffirmed the importance of n/c moving forward.  I never broke n/c after that and have held to it for the past 18 months.  My ex gf on the other hand attempted to break n/c numerous times and even texted me over the weekend.  I deleted the message immediately. 

So, I learned a needed lesson from breaking n/c and glad now that I did it.  Please don't be hard on yourself for being human

[Bensonshays]

Breaking nc made me look like an ass  , impowered her more and devalued me to her and myself

My x is a pro victim (stealth bully) [/b]best thing is to be indifferent or strong anything else she feels disgust[/b]

Words of wisdom, though that's good advice to follow whether your ex is disordered or not.

[Infern0]

I don't recommend being the first to break NC under any circumstances.  It communicates weakness and you are just asking for trouble.

Responding when they break NC is different,  however most people on the leaving boards are a long way away from building the self esteem and emotional strength to handle contact. 

BPD will hone in on your weaknesses if you are showing them. You have to barely have any to be able to handle contact.

[Beach_Babe]

I don't recommend being the first to break NC under any circumstances.  It communicates weakness and you are just asking for trouble.

Responding when they break NC is different,

I agree with this. When they break NC  its because you are suddenly 'useful' again.

[Arcturus81]

I agree with the other posts. Breaking NC is the worst thing I could have done. The conversation was her telling me that she still loved me even though she was sleeping with someone else to her blowing her top when I said I was seeing someone. She said that she hadn't been with my replacement in over 2 weeks but when I said that a mutual friend of ours had seen his car at her house the day before the conversation she diverted the conversation from her lie to the fact that one of our friends was telling me her business. The last part of the conversation involved her calling me every name in the book, saying that karma was going to get me, and the final one was that she talks to a lot of my friends and that they tell her everything that is going on with me. I actually had to threaten getting the law involved to get the texts to stop.

fast forward 3 months later and she sent a text trying to bait me to talking with her. I didn't respond and won't ever respond to her again. Let me tell you it feels good to take an inventory of your life without them and see how far you have come. NC works because it allows you to get the poison out and see things clearly.

[valet]

Breaking NC recently made me realize that I am really not that into my ex at all, to be perfectly honest. I don't know what I was longing for other than having my maladaptive codependent needs fulfilled, post-breakup and during the decline of the relationship.

We can't even really have a decent conversation that I don't have to carry because she refuses to open up to me when we meet up. I'm obviously not going to press the issue there, and don't really have an extraordinary desire to see her. I don't want to bury the past though, and have told her repeatedly that I absolutely will be there for her if she really needs me. She has told me that she appreciates this, but I'm not really concerned about the details. I've met different people, people far more compatible interest and personality wise since.

In the end, I don't even really have any great, non-logical explanation for why I was attracted to my ex except her physical beauty and relentlessness in pursuing me. Lots of her personality traits scream insecurity, self-doubt, self-pity, and general listlessness.

I have quite a deal of compassion for these things, of course, and kind of understand what she's going through, but it wouldn't be devastating for me if we never saw each other again, I don't think.

4.5 months can do a lot.