What's The Type That BPD Women Marry?

[ZeusRLX]

Hi all,

I wanted to start a discussion about an issue I have been thinking through for some time. I have been involved with quite a few BPD women but in all most cases they would leave before the relationship could really turn into marriage or anything long term.

So, basically things would be great and there would be connection and romance and chemistry and talk of kids and marriage but then invariably they would disappear.

However, I see quite a few people here are married to BPD women and have been married for some time.

I was curious... .how did they demonstrate this level of commitment to you (something that they have never done with me)? What are the characteristics that one needs to have for a BPD woman to marry you (and not get scared off)?

For you personally?

Some of my exes are married, I know one married a guy who rescued her invariably... .which is something I never did. But she lied to him, he forgave her. She was bulimic, he took her to the hospital. She cheated on him, he forgave her. He put up with soo much stuff from her.

Another one married a very different guy, that one was very distant emotionally and somewhat abusive but he allowed her to do her own thing so she could do whatever she wanted including affairs without much suspicion from him because he was emotionally withdrawn.

So is that what it is? They basically are looking for this type that will forgive them everything and keep helping them no matter what? Is that correct?

But then the other one and the withdrawn person doesn't fit into this? I realize it's more complicated than just one theory, this is why I wanted to ask.

What has been your experience with marrying a BPD woman or being in a long term relationship with one and WHY they chose you?

Mine burn out within months... .

Please share... .

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[married21years]

i was abused and used to being abused and i thought it was normal, she projected on me and i took the blame for 25 years, then i realised i had done nothing but love and support her

then we went to couples councilling then a year after i realised she lied all the time.

this destroyed me i picked myself up and she is starting therapy but i will never be that wonderful guy again that gave without thought to myself for her happiness

[Wrongturn1]

I tend to have the following traits:

* Somewhat of a people-pleaser;

* Codependent/rescuer;

* Stubborn;

* Follow through with my commitments no matter what.

Have been married to uBPDw for nearly 18 years now... .much of it difficult.

[Cat Familiar]

I tend to have the following traits:

* Somewhat of a people-pleaser;

* Codependent/rescuer;

* Stubborn;

* Follow through with my commitments no matter what.

Have been married to uBPDw for nearly 18 years now... .much of it difficult.

This is interesting. I'm a woman who has been married to two men with BPD. I have all these qualities that you've enumerated, but I'm definitely less of a people pleaser and codependent/rescuer the second time around.

The first husband cheated, was financially irresponsible, used drugs and had a shaky relationship with the truth.

The second abuses alcohol and is a "poor me" type and I'm learning not to rescue but to ignore his pleas for sympathy since my rescuing is not appreciated.

[FannyB]

Hi Zeus -nice to see you posting on an appropriate board! 

I can only talk about my ex and who she married and why. Judging by her description he was a narcissist with a strong sense of 'self'. This would be very attractive to a borderline with no real sense of who she is.

As to why they married, my theory is that she considered that a house, husband and kids would make her happy and he seemed the perfect candidate. She inflated his sense of superiority and they ran to the altar.

After the kids were born, she still felt 'empty' and blamed him. No more boxes left to tick so it was obviously his fault.

So in conclusion I would say it is an issue of timing as much as personality type if a borderline is gonna go all the way with you. 

[Processing]

I have been married roughly 17 years.  No pun intended.  Our story was crazy.  I fell for her when we were teens.  She was my first love.  I had never experienced love before, and she was just as in love with me as I was with her.  Then she broke up with me twice!  I was definitely heartbroken.  But, I am totally a pleaser and so when she came back a third time, I welcomed her back again for fear of telling her no (it did help that she was cute and I liked a lot about her).  But, the third time around she was no longer on the pedestal in my view.  That is when we got married.  Our first year was horrible.  I felt like she would over-react to everything and I didn't know why or how to handle it. 

So I fought back. 

We had knock down drag outs like every other day.  She threatened to leave like 7 times that first year.  Every sensitive issue that normal couples need to discuss and work through together became a serious attack on the other person, which would make that person dig in deeper.  It was just bad. 

Then I stopped fighting. 

I knew I did not want to get divorced (major religious convictions).  So, I had to figure out how to make things work.  And I basically became a pleaser. 

Now, I find that as long as I am in pleaser mode, we get along a good 95% of the time.  However, when I disagree, we have some minor problems.  But, when I disagree when she is already stressed, watch out. Like seriously get out of the way (my wife is all verbal, volume, and tone - never physical). 

So I try not to disagree when she is stressed.  That requires some major tongue biting.  It can be very difficult when she has just snapped at me for something.  (Yes, I do annoying things, but I think non-BPD's just tell you that vs getting super stressed, angry, and snippy about it.  Maybe all spouses do that?  Bpd or not?)  I still can't help myself sometimes, and call her on being mean or nasty in the moment.  This almost never works as she either says she didn't say that, or she didn't say it like that, or I am just being too sensitive etc.  If I try to talk about it later after we have calmed down, it is usually a similar story. So for me at least, I have learned that trying to all her on her stuff (especially in the stressful moment) has little to no effect and often it just makes things worse.  So again, I try to just avoid that scenario.  Maybe that makes me a pleaser or a push-over. 

But again, my goal is not to be right, or be the healthy one, or to get treated fairly right now.  My goal is to stay married to someone who handles stress really pretty awful.     

What is funny is that my wife would swear on everything holy that she works every bit as hard to please me as I do to please her.  It can be pretty confusing and infuriating when you try to tell someone you are feeling mistreated in a relationship, and they sincerely believe it is they who are working so hard and being mistreated in the relationship.  Maybe she is right and I just can't see my own stuff?  I wish I could say that is specific to a BPD relationship, but I think most couples feel this when they are fighting.  Bpd couples just get really ugly when trying to resolve it.           

[ZeusRLX]

Hi Zeus -nice to see you posting on an appropriate board! 

I can only talk about my ex and who she married and why. Judging by her description he was a narcissist with a strong sense of 'self'. This would be very attractive to a borderline with no real sense of who she is.

Right. Why didn't she marry you? What do you think?

As to why they married, my theory is that she considered that a house, husband and kids would make her happy and he seemed the perfect candidate. She inflated his sense of superiority and they ran to the altar.

After the kids were born, she still felt 'empty' and blamed him. No more boxes left to tick so it was obviously his fault.

So in conclusion I would say it is an issue of timing as much as personality type if a borderline is gonna go all the way with you. 

I think you're right. One wanted to get more serious but I was a young punk with no money so she went to her ex who was like 13 years older and had money.

In case of your ex though, was it obvious she had BPD traits before she got married? Did you know about BPD when dating her? Do you think her husband knew about BPD, were there signs?

[ZeusRLX]

What is funny is that my wife would swear on everything holy that she works every bit as hard to please me as I do to please her.  It can be pretty confusing and infuriating when you try to tell someone you are feeling mistreated in a relationship, and they sincerely believe it is they who are working so hard and being mistreated in the relationship.  Maybe she is right and I just can't see my own stuff?  I wish I could say that is specific to a BPD relationship, but I think most couples feel this when they are fighting.  Bpd couples just get really ugly when trying to resolve it.           

I see. Would you say you're happy in your marriage?

I assume there haven't been any extreme cycles of devaluation (especially involving cheating) that caused irreparable harm?

[ZeusRLX]

I tend to have the following traits:

* Somewhat of a people-pleaser;

* Codependent/rescuer;

* Stubborn;

* Follow through with my commitments no matter what.

Have been married to uBPDw for nearly 18 years now... .much of it difficult.

I share some of the same qualities but once they start breaking up with me for no reason and I realize they don't know what they are doing I usually disengage... .

I guess I'd be open to it overall but due to my particular circumstances it was not an option.

[FannyB]

Hi Zeus -nice to see you posting on an appropriate board! 

I can only talk about my ex and who she married and why. Judging by her description he was a narcissist with a strong sense of 'self'. This would be very attractive to a borderline with no real sense of who she is.

Right. Why didn't she marry you? What do you think?

As to why they married, my theory is that she considered that a house, husband and kids would make her happy and he seemed the perfect candidate. She inflated his sense of superiority and they ran to the altar.

After the kids were born, she still felt 'empty' and blamed him. No more boxes left to tick so it was obviously his fault.

So in conclusion I would say it is an issue of timing as much as personality type if a borderline is gonna go all the way with you. 

I think you're right. One wanted to get more serious but I was a young punk with no money so she went to her ex who was like 13 years older and had money.

In case of your ex though, was it obvious she had BPD traits before she got married? Did you know about BPD when dating her? Do you think her husband knew about BPD, were there signs?

I don't think she married me because she's looking for the ideal partner and not looking for money etc. As I have a kid she realised that I couldn't put her first every time she needed me to and this frustrated her.

Based on what I've been told, she always had borderline traits - but to a narcissist this would be perfection during a prolonged honeymoon period where they were placed on the highest pedestal imaginable. He fell a long, long way back to earth.   He's consumed with hatred for her now as he assumes she was a gold-digger. This suggests he is oblivious to BPD and its many machinations!

[Processing]

No nothing that would cause irreparable harm.  Lots of fights, lots of laughs.  As full of anger as my wife can be, she can be just as full of laughter and life.  Its a roller coaster.  But hey, some people like roller coasters

[ZeusRLX]

No nothing that would cause irreparable harm.  Lots of fights, lots of laughs.  As full of anger as my wife can be, she can be just as full of laughter and life.  Its a roller coaster.  But hey, some people like roller coasters

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Some people's BPD can be a lot more manageable than others'... .

Haven't come across it yet personally but hopefully it's out there somewhere... .

Otherwise, I usually disappear after the honeymoon phase is over... .

[ZeusRLX]

I don't think she married me because she's looking for the ideal partner and not looking for money etc. As I have a kid she realised that I couldn't put her first every time she needed me to and this frustrated her.

Based on what I've been told, she always had borderline traits - but to a narcissist this would be perfection during a prolonged honeymoon period where they were placed on the highest pedestal imaginable. He fell a long, long way back to earth.   He's consumed with hatred for her now as he assumes she was a gold-digger. This suggests he is oblivious to BPD and its many machinations!

Curious, would you have married her if she wanted to marry you? Knowing what you know now that is... .

[FannyB]

I don't think she married me because she's looking for the ideal partner and not looking for money etc. As I have a kid she realised that I couldn't put her first every time she needed me to and this frustrated her.

Based on what I've been told, she always had borderline traits - but to a narcissist this would be perfection during a prolonged honeymoon period where they were placed on the highest pedestal imaginable. He fell a long, long way back to earth.   He's consumed with hatred for her now as he assumes she was a gold-digger. This suggests he is oblivious to BPD and its many machinations!

Curious, would you have married her if she wanted to marry you? Knowing what you know now that is... .

During idealization - yes. We seemed made for each other. Believe me, the idea of marriage makes my blood run cold, but she was so lovely for 6 months that I would have done it. Knowing what I know now? No way! You can't have a stable relationship with an unstable person IMO. 

[ZeusRLX]

During idealization - yes. We seemed made for each other. Believe me, the idea of marriage makes my blood run cold, but she was so lovely for 6 months that I would have done it. Knowing what I know now? No way! You can't have a stable relationship with an unstable person IMO.  

Yeah, I mean I can handle SOME instability and I will put up with a lot... .already have in the past.

But not the cheating part and if it's so unstable I'm miserable all the time... .then no.

Problem is, mine always run off no matter what you do... .eventually... .don't know if it's always like this or not.

Is there a BPD version out there that I connect with but stable enough not to cheat or leave?

Don't know the answer to that... .

[takingandsending]

Zeus,

I am going to ask you the unasked question in all of this, why do you think you keep entering into relationships with BPD women?

The two relationships that I have had in my life were both with women who had personality disorders. I am trying to do a lot of internal work to know myself better, why these relationships attract me, and how I can can heal to avoid making similar mistakes. I am still married to my uBPDw, but if not for kids, I would like to think that I could possibly find another partner that has a better ability to meet me as a partner and not as a need, to not put me on a pedestal (I can stand on my own) but appreciate the good in me and accept the flaws and encourage mutual growth and understanding. None of this is likely or probable with my BPD wife. Why do you want to find a stable RS with a BPD? I am not trying to judge you. It's just an interesting notion ... .

[waverider]

pwBPD are drawn to things that are pleasing but unhealthy

Rescuers and enablers are pleasing but ultimately detrimental

People with strong values and boundaries are like a course of distasteful medicine which they refuse to complete.

A lot of this is based in neediness and immediate gratification traits

[ZeusRLX]

Zeus,

I am going to ask you the unasked question in all of this, why do you think you keep entering into relationships with BPD women?

I think it has to do with mutual chemistry. I can be very intense and into storybook romances (now less so than before but still) and the BPD intensity and propensity for larger than life feelings works well with mine.

So, I have not consciously picked these women, quite on the contrary. The first one I got involved with, I didn't even know what BPD was at the time.

Later I started to screen for them. I see BPD every week in my life and these women usually approach me first. They usually sense me instinctually I think.

I screen out a LOT of them, my first one was bulimic and cut too so for the ones that are very obvious, I disengage and don't enter.

The trouble is, as my defenses against them had gone up, the techniques and sophistication of the ones I got involved with grew as well.

Last two I was in relationships with were VERY good at appearing normal for a while.

But due to the fact that I have been in long term relationships with quite a few BPD women and dated dozens of others (some left, others I screened out) I know that I just happen to have chemistry with those types of women for some reason.

There are non BPD women who like me but I usually don't like them. Or I like them and they don't like me.

But in my case, if that intense like for each other happens to be mutual, I can be certain they are on the BPD spectrum. So I can't say that I pick them out, but if I get approached by a woman and I like her and she likes me too... .99.9% certain she has BPD.

The two relationships that I have had in my life were both with women who had personality disorders. I am trying to do a lot of internal work to know myself better, why these relationships attract me, and how I can can heal to avoid making similar mistakes. I am still married to my uBPDw, but if not for kids, I would like to think that I could possibly find another partner that has a better ability to meet me as a partner and not as a need, to not put me on a pedestal (I can stand on my own) but appreciate the good in me and accept the flaws and encourage mutual growth and understanding. None of this is likely or probable with my BPD wife. Why do you want to find a stable RS with a BPD? I am not trying to judge you. It's just an interesting notion ... .

Yeah, I hear you. Well, I have developed a system as of lately.

I am usually single for some time but when I meet the right person... .she is perfect, too good to be true, we fall in love, plan to have kids, family, marriage, etc etc.

Then things go south and I see it's BPD. Then I disengage and breakup with her. I ONLY get involved if I happen to think there is no chance of BPD initially. But of course I'm willing to lie to myself if she is beautiful enough, I have subconsciously deceived myself like that a few times.

Then I just disengage and end the relationship.

I was broken the first few times, now I just broke up with the love of my life (another one) a month ago and I wasn't upset at all. It was a good time and I believed in it but once it became obvious that it was BPD, I had to let her go.

So, yes, I have started to stick around for the honeymoon phase and once things get ugly, I head for the hills.

But I only head for the hills if I see there is no chance of them getting better in any kind of healthy way. If I thought I could help them manage it, I would stick around I think... .

And the reason I am thinking about them is because I have great chemistry and they make me happy.

Every one of my exes made me happy. Forget about the sex or whatever. I enjoyed being around them, enjoyed talking to them and just their presence made me feel good.

Granted, I have never lived with any of them, never married one, so obviously not qualified to comment there.

But based on the relationship aspect of it, I was really happy.

I have been thinking about same thing as you too and I don't think there is a big secret to me personally other than that there is some magic, some allure about these women that I find irresistible.

I'm smart enough to disengage if they are too unstable or whatever but my chemistry with them cannot be denied.

So what's the alternative? Settle down with some woman I have no chemistry with? But that eliminates the purpose, I tried it, makes me very unhappy.

The other alternative is keep having those escape flings when they come along but just know when to fold... .that's an option. After all this drama in my last r/s I want peace for about a year or two. As long as there are no kids or marriages or financial ties, it's all good.

Finally, it would be to find someone I have chemistry with still (so she will probably be on BPD spectrum) but stable enough where I BELIEVE we have a chance.

But this is risky. I have known some men who married BPD women, then it all came crashing down years later. Now they are raising kids alone. I definitely don't want that.

So maybe the best strategy is to remain a bachelor my whole life, playing the BPD field so to speak? I don't get hurt by breakups with them at all anymore so that's an option.

That could work, even though ideally I would like a stable partner, as stable as possible.

But the main thing is I don't want to screw up my life, I have a pretty good life and I'm happy. I don't want to mess it up with bad marriage or kids with the wrong partner.

Feel free to message me privately any time if you want to discuss BPD stuff, I am sure we could learn from each other.

I think some men just have chemistry with BPD women and for me (as well as you it seems) that's just the case. Could I find chemistry with someone without BPD? Statistically speaking, very unlikely, based on my track record. Even though I have moved from low functioning ones to more stealthy/high functioning ones so I am progressing (I screen out the really obvious ones now) but I have encountered some sociopath/pathological liars lately so I don't know if I'm getting better or worse, haha

So, yeah, we'll see how it goes. Are you thinking of leaving your marriage? How long have you been married? You can message me privately if you don't want to share here, whatever works.

[ZeusRLX]

takingandsending, also if you have any advice for me about BPD long term relationships and marriage... .please share.

If you were me, knowing what you know now about your marriage to a BPD woman... .what would you do going forward?

I'm very curious... .

[takingandsending]

Well, you can certainly read my posts. I have no great advice for you, other than to hint to work with your own feelings as much as you can. I have been married for 16 years in August, and we lived together for 3 years prior.

I am pretty smart, and spent a lot of time on my own after ending my first relationship with a girl diagnosed as schizotypal, trying to get myself right enough to not enter a relationship with another wounded person who needed rescuing. My wife seemed to fit the bill when I first met her, but it all changed after about 6 months together. The sex and the being painted white definitely filled my cup. We were both spiritual seekers, so that worked for us as well. We were hanging in there okay, me with no notion of BPD at all - I just attributed her mood swings and unending hurt to sexual abuse she suffered as a child. Eventually, once we had a child of our own, the full spectrum of BPD began to manifest. After a second child, I was on the verge of leaving the marriage when our MC let me know that my wife suffers from BPD. This site and some reading have helped me understand and improve the dynamics. It's a whole lot harder when your children are negotiating that terrain with a BPD parent because you have to consider what's best for them.

What I am hopefully, finally learning about myself is that I had a pretty poor self image deep inside. Externally, I seemed pretty solid, pretty assured, confident and happy. Internally, I don't think I ever really believed that anyone who didn't need my help would find me attractive or interesting. I think that's what waverider is getting at in his post. Yes, pwBPD find me attractive because I am a rescuer, and I have built my sense of identity on helping people. It's not wrong, it's not terrible, but it is limited. And I came into it from ideas I formulated growing up as a kid with my FOO. I just wonder how you feel in your own skin. Are you happy with yourself? Are you insecure in ways that you don't like to let show? The more I allow these types of feelings within me to come to surface, the better understanding I have of why I am in the RS I am in right now, how it has served me, how I serve it. I'd like to believe that I can grow and maybe, someday, have a better relationship with someone who is able to like themselves without desperately needing to get it from somebody else. But to attract that, I have to be that. Does that resonate?

And, yeah. I always wistfully wanted the romantic ideal thing as a kid and then as a young adult. Now, all that seems to make sense to me is finding empathy and understanding. Without connection of that sort, sustaining a relationship seems like unrewarded effort.

[FannyB]

Zeus

You sound like you're in perpetual pursuit of the (un)holy grail - a BPD woman who can give you the emotional intensity you crave, yet has the stability to go long term!  That is an extremely rare commodity because the good things that the disorder gives us nons (intensity, passion etc) are inevitably offset by the crappy parts (devaluation & discard). 

I like the fact that you know who you are and what you want - and that you're not hurt any more by your dalliances with women with BPD. There is no behavioural prototype that we should be forced to correspond to. You are a free spirit - and good luck to you in chasing your dreams. 

[Svarl1]

What's The Type That BPD Women Marry?

It's a good question and one that I've been asking myself lately.

There have been some terrible times and behaviours in the earlier stages of my relationship.  Of course we each blamed each other for those, but it's now clear to me that most people would not tolerate a relationship to continue in these kind of circumstances.

So I must accept there are unhealthy aspects to my self that allowed me to be a part of such a thing.

Here are some that might (or might not) be relevant:

I don't feel I have a strong sense of agency, of knowing what I want and allowing myself to do it.

I was bullied at school during my early teens, then later rejected by several childhood friends. I entered adulthood feeling socially inadequate.

I was from a somewhat wealthier background than my partner, but more careful with money. When we met I was a poor student, but since then have tended to be decently employed. It's allowed her to lean on me financially several times.

I can be emotionally withdrawn / I sometimes find it hard to deal with my emotions. Emotions were not much acknowledged or discussed in my birth family.

From somewhere I got a sense that I'm not really entitled to end a relationship. (not too sure where from).

I was not confident at approaching other people. My partner first approached me.

Although I don't consider myself to be a hero or a rescuer, I have from somewhere the belief that I will  'do this job because I can, and because I don't think anyone else will'.

I'm more cautious than impulsive

Do these traits 'ring any bells' with anyone else? 

[Svarl1]

Some more that I 'forgot':

I could be quite self-centred, maybe even narcissistic

I tend to avoid interpersonal problems - head in sand.

I was afraid of commitment with my partner - not sure if that was all my stuff or just felt she wasn't the right one

Not proud of these, but there you go.

[Oooohm]

What's The Type That BPD Women Marry?

It's a good question and one that I've been asking myself lately.

There have been some terrible times and behaviours in the earlier stages of my relationship.  Of course we each blamed each other for those, but it's now clear to me that most people would not tolerate a relationship to continue in these kind of circumstances.

So I must accept there are unhealthy aspects to my self that allowed me to be a part of such a thing.

Here are some that might (or might not) be relevant:

I don't feel I have a strong sense of agency, of knowing what I want and allowing myself to do it.

I was bullied at school during my early teens, then later rejected by several childhood friends. I entered adulthood feeling socially inadequate.

I was from a somewhat wealthier background than my partner, but more careful with money. When we met I was a poor student, but since then have tended to be decently employed. It's allowed her to lean on me financially several times.

I can be emotionally withdrawn / I sometimes find it hard to deal with my emotions. Emotions were not much acknowledged or discussed in my birth family.

From somewhere I got a sense that I'm not really entitled to end a relationship. (not too sure where from).

I was not confident at approaching other people. My partner first approached me.

Although I don't consider myself to be a hero or a rescuer, I have from somewhere the belief that I will  'do this job because I can, and because I don't think anyone else will'.

I'm more cautious than impulsive

Do these traits 'ring any bells' with anyone else? 

All of these... .also and stressing:

1. A drive to always do the "right" thing... .(whatever that means... .)

2. Never shying away from a challenge. (Trying to prove to myself "I CAN DO IT"... .)

Weird to think about because it was so long ago (26 + years)... .  I was always the one to end relationships with previous girlfriends. Thinking about it now I realize it had more to do with them not really "needing" me so I felt unfulfilled. Strange who we end up with because of who we are as a people.

[Jack2727]

Here is my list. This is based on my own observations. These men seem to work the best with BPD's

- Guys who are Type A narcissistic (law enforcement, military, pilots)

- Guys who are emotionally unavailable (provide the challenge)

- Adrenaline Junkies (extreme hobbies)

- Strong narcissistic traits

[ZeusRLX]

What I am hopefully, finally learning about myself is that I had a pretty poor self image deep inside. Externally, I seemed pretty solid, pretty assured, confident and happy. Internally, I don't think I ever really believed that anyone who didn't need my help would find me attractive or interesting. I think that's what waverider is getting at in his post. Yes, pwBPD find me attractive because I am a rescuer, and I have built my sense of identity on helping people. It's not wrong, it's not terrible, but it is limited. And I came into it from ideas I formulated growing up as a kid with my FOO. I just wonder how you feel in your own skin. Are you happy with yourself? Are you insecure in ways that you don't like to let show? The more I allow these types of feelings within me to come to surface, the better understanding I have of why I am in the RS I am in right now, how it has served me, how I serve it. I'd like to believe that I can grow and maybe, someday, have a better relationship with someone who is able to like themselves without desperately needing to get it from somebody else. But to attract that, I have to be that. Does that resonate?

And, yeah. I always wistfully wanted the romantic ideal thing as a kid and then as a young adult. Now, all that seems to make sense to me is finding empathy and understanding. Without connection of that sort, sustaining a relationship seems like unrewarded effort.

Makes sense, thanks.

[ZeusRLX]

Zeus

You sound like you're in perpetual pursuit of the (un)holy grail - a BPD woman who can give you the emotional intensity you crave, yet has the stability to go long term!  That is an extremely rare commodity because the good things that the disorder gives us nons (intensity, passion etc) are inevitably offset by the crappy parts (devaluation & discard). 

I like the fact that you know who you are and what you want - and that you're not hurt any more by your dalliances with women with BPD. There is no behavioural prototype that we should be forced to correspond to. You are a free spirit - and good luck to you in chasing your dreams. 

Yeah, pretty much. And thanks, I'll take whatever I can get. 

[ZeusRLX]

What's The Type That BPD Women Marry?

It's a good question and one that I've been asking myself lately.

There have been some terrible times and behaviours in the earlier stages of my relationship.  Of course we each blamed each other for those, but it's now clear to me that most people would not tolerate a relationship to continue in these kind of circumstances.

So I must accept there are unhealthy aspects to my self that allowed me to be a part of such a thing.

Here are some that might (or might not) be relevant:

I don't feel I have a strong sense of agency, of knowing what I want and allowing myself to do it.

I was bullied at school during my early teens, then later rejected by several childhood friends. I entered adulthood feeling socially inadequate.

I was from a somewhat wealthier background than my partner, but more careful with money. When we met I was a poor student, but since then have tended to be decently employed. It's allowed her to lean on me financially several times.

I can be emotionally withdrawn / I sometimes find it hard to deal with my emotions. Emotions were not much acknowledged or discussed in my birth family.

From somewhere I got a sense that I'm not really entitled to end a relationship. (not too sure where from).

I was not confident at approaching other people. My partner first approached me.

Although I don't consider myself to be a hero or a rescuer, I have from somewhere the belief that I will  'do this job because I can, and because I don't think anyone else will'.

I'm more cautious than impulsive

Do these traits 'ring any bells' with anyone else? 

The one about being approached first does. Most of mine usually approach me first... .

[ZeusRLX]

Here is my list. This is based on my own observations. These men seem to work the best with BPD's

- Guys who are Type A narcissistic (law enforcement, military, pilots)

- Guys who are emotionally unavailable (provide the challenge)

- Adrenaline Junkies (extreme hobbies)

- Strong narcissistic traits

Yes, this certainly matches the profile of some of them.

But what about the white knights/rescuers? You don't think BPD women marry those?

[Cat Familiar]

My T says BPDs and narcissists are a common match. I certainly have some narcissistic traits (my self-absorbtion which I think stems from being an only child with a BPD mother), but I don't totally fit the narcissism profile, thank goodness.

However, that said, I find that I really need to disengage emotionally from my husband when he's in the throes of full-on BPD. Previously I fit the co-dependent profile, but not any more. I'm getting where I think he's welcome to his pity party and I want nothing to do with it.

Therefore I can see how narcissists could tolerate BPDs, especially when they're being painted white and disregard them at other times.