Sigh, another weekend of dysregulation

[CastleofGlass]

I got home yesterday to what seemed like a great start to my weekend. I pulled up in the driveway to my family just getting home as well from school. My uBPDw welcomed me with a smile and some conversation. The last couple months, I've been preparing for my PT test so I've been going for some runs around the neighborhood almost 3x a week. I always go right when I get home and it hasn't been a problem. After my run, I did my same routine, got home and then took a shower. I ran a little longer yesterday just to get some endurance training. I was a little worn out right after but I just needed a bit aftet my shower to sit and relax. Well about 30 min after sitting down, my wife decided it was time to start straightening up. She walked into the kitchen and began putting the dishes away. I 95% of the time have been putting these away because she is 34 weeks pregnant with our 5th child and I try to help as much as possible. Well, I saw her putting them away and I continued to rest my legs from the run. Turns out, that was the dumbest move for me. She put them all away and did the few dishes in the sink. Afterwards, I thought, guess me needing to rest has to wait. She went to vacuuming. I offered to do it for her. "Nope." I offered to take the vacuum upstairs afterwards cause sometimes she'll do the upstairs next. "Someday it'll need to go up, I'm not doing it now." She sat back down and I sat by her. I asked what was wrong? "Nothing." I knew from the tone and answers... .she was angry. Most times with my wife, I have to use SET without any input from her. I knew a big part of it was started when she put the dishes away while I sat. I should have iffered to help like usual but I wasnt ready to get up yet.

I told her, I was sorry I didn't offer to help when she was doing the dishes and she replied "Ok, what were you so entralled with in your phone while I was doing that?" I told her I was reading some football news about my team. She had snapped that it's not football season. Then I informed her that practices are going on and I'm just seeing news about new players. It was going no where. I just got up and started dinner for the kids. She  had deemed it was a potluck dinner night. After I made the dinner, she came in and seemed to be ok and got a plate for herself after the kids were done.

Now it's bedtime. She takes our two youngest up for bed and I stayed downstairs to clean up everything and make sure my 2 oldest brush/take meds/etc. Wife comes down after getting the kids down and just sits down. The whole time she is quiet with one word answers. Then, after about an hour, she gets up and goes upstairs. I said "What's wrong?" She replied she is going to bed. Which isnt normal because she watches 3 episodes of Family Guy every night. She left before the first started. I knew it was because she was pissed at me and didn't want to be around me. In the past, I would have followed and tried to find out what was wrong. I didnt. I stayed and watched tv myself and wasn't going to get sucked in.

We take turns sleeping in on weekends, me on Sat and her on Sun. I woke up at 1015 and came downstairs.  Here was the exchange:

Me: Hey babe, how'd you sleep?

Her: Fine

Me: What time did everyone wake up?

Her: 730

Me: Are you feeling ok? Something seems wrong.

Her: I'm fine

Me: Well, somethings wrong. (I sometimes do that b/c I know simething is wrong and she bottles it up which makes it worse)

Her: I'm fine, I'm gonna go lay down.

With that, she left. So here it is 1130 now and she is pissed. I would bet over last night. I can't seem to win. This isn't over and she will wake up pissed. Days like this suck.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

Castle of Glass,

I have a glorious weekend by myself... .to organize office... .do some writing... .thinking... .sort things out.  Main goal is to get some job applications done today.

Also... .get to spend some time on bpdfamily... .

I'm looking forward to learning more about you... .and your situation.  I've got 8 kids... .you have almost caught me!   

I love large families... .there is always lots going on.

I'll be back in a little while with a "tactical" discussion of what you can do... .without your wife's input... .to improve your r/s (relationship)... .how does that sound?   

Hang in there... .things will be better soon... .

FF

[formflier]

 

PT test... .what is that about?  What is it for?

FF

[CastleofGlass]

I'll be back in a little while with a "tactical" discussion of what you can do... .without your wife's input... .to improve your r/s (relationship)... .how does that sound?

That would be great! Even though, I know I'm not supposed to own her feelings, it's still very hard for me not to be angry/depressed myself. I feel like I'm alone with 4 kids when this happens and when they act up as well, it gets harder. Especially if my 11S w/high functioning autism has a rage fit.

[CastleofGlass]

PT test... .what is that about?  What is it for?

FF

I am military. It's a physical aptitude test. Push ups, Sit ups, 1.5 mile run.

[formflier]

CastleofGlass,

Hey... .just so you know.  I can be a bit direct sometimes... .I'm not telling people they are wrong... .just trying to be clear on points I'm making... .  Instead of wrong and right... .I'm a good, better, best kinda guy.  I try to see a goal someone has in their communication... .and suggest a better route... .especially if the one they are trying isn't working.  Doesn't mean what you are trying... .currently doing... .is "wrong"... .it just may not be working right now... .in your r/s.

OK... .

pwBPD traits are sensitive to emotion... .most likely they are uncomfortable (may not admit it) with their own emotions... .very likely they have been told... .or think... .or feel... .that their emotions are "wrong"

Soo... .

Knock it off with the "what's wrong?" question... .   Probably best to eliminate "wrong" from your vocabulary... .pwBPD traits don't like to be judged... .

If you really want to know what she is feeling... ."How are you feeling?"  hush... .let her talk.  If she says "nothing" or seems to not want to participate in a "feeling" discussion... .BELIEVE HER... .move on to other things.

By the way... .you have great posts... .I can "see" what is going on... .very helpful to those of us trying to help.

My uBPDw welcomed me with a smile and some conversation.

This is great... .when they are on their best... .go with it... .but don't go over the top... .up the ante "just a bit".  So... .she smiles and seems friendly... .match it... .up it a bit.  Great time to try an identify a positive emotion... .and validate that.  (are you reading lessons... .?)  What does validation mean to you?

  my wife decided it was time to start straightening up.

Great... .this is her choice... .not yours... .very important to realize this.  If her choices have consequences... .it's not up to you to own those consequences... .or "rescue" her from them.

I 95% of the time have been putting these away

Great move... .she see's this... .even if she doesn't say it.  Sometimes she may not feel that way... .but those are her feelings... .not yours.  I point this out to say... .you are doing a lot... .no requirement/need for you to do 95%... .you do it because you can... .and want to.  No need to apologize for taking care of yourself... .so you can take better care of her.

Turns out, that was the dumbest move for me.

Don't be hard on yourself... .she make think it inappropriate or "dumb" for you to do this.  Don't base your analysis on her feelings... .  Learn to make good choices for yourself... .and move along.  You win some... .you loose some... .don't sweat it... .

  I offered to do it for her. "Nope."

Great move!  You offered... .she had a choice... .she made a choice... .  Drop it and move along... .

I offered to take the vacuum upstairs afterwards cause sometimes she'll do the upstairs next. "Someday it'll need to go up, I'm not doing it now."

Solid move... .she again made a choice... .move along... .don't analyze.

She sat back down and I sat by her. I asked what was wrong? "Nothing." I knew from the tone and answers... .she was angry.

OK... .I see a genuine concern here... .but I also really need you to understand that this is where you initiated "the dance".  Unfortunately... .many of us "nons" here on the boards... .have unknowingly participated in a "dysfunctional dance" in our r/s.  We didn't mean to... .we had great intentions... .but for myriad reasons... .the dance that used to work... .doesn't anymore... .or maybe it never worked.

SECRET:  If you don't like the way the dance is going... .STOP IT.  (that is good... .maybe better).  (Best answer)  Start dancing differently... .this may confuse your partner... .but they will figure it out.  (don't explain yourself to her)... .just dance differently.

I knew a big part of it was started when she put the dishes away while I sat. 

Maybe... .probably... .but... .stay away from mindreading... .many times our assumptions are wrong. 

I told her, I was sorry I didn't offer to help when she was doing the dishes and she replied "Ok, what were you so entralled with in your phone while I was doing that?" I told her I was reading some football news about my team. She had snapped that it's not football season. Then I informed her that practices are going on and I'm just seeing news about new players. It was going no where.

JADE ALERT!   

Here is the thing... .I'm not seeing a question or accusation.  Best to just leave this alone.  If you want information to get out there... .tell her your feelings.  "I'm feeling much better about my upcoming PT tests... .I can tell by the way my legs feel... .that I'm getting stronger.  It feels good to rest them" 

Then... .follow up with... ."Honey... .would you like me to rub your feet... .?"   

What does JADE mean to you?

I just got up and started dinner for the kids. She  had deemed it was a potluck dinner night. After I made the dinner, she came in and seemed to be ok and got a plate for herself after the kids were done.

Solid move... .!  Very helpful of you... .

Now it's bedtime. She takes our two youngest up for bed and I stayed downstairs to clean up everything and make sure my 2 oldest brush/take meds/etc. Wife comes down after getting the kids down and just sits down.

Again... .solid move.  Divide and conquer is the way to handle things in bigger families... .!   

The whole time she is quiet with one word answers.

This is good... .she most likely doesn't want to talk.  You tested the waters (I am interested in what you were asking)... .she didn't want to talk.  Drop it.  I would say test a couple times... .and then find something else to do. 

Then, after about an hour, she gets up and goes upstairs. I said "What's wrong?"

See previous advice... .eliminate this from vocabulary... .nothing good can come of this question... .or the answer... .

  I knew it was because she was pissed at me and didn't want to be around me.

Did she actually say this?  It's on us to quit mindreading... .she is most likely sorting out some confusing things.

Even if the things she is sorting are about you... .IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!

Think about that... .this was mind blowing for me... .but very helpful to sort out. 

In the past, I would have followed and tried to find out what was wrong. I didnt. I stayed and watched tv myself and wasn't going to get sucked in.

Solid move!  Especially realizing what you would have done with the "old you" and trying out a "new you".  Very... .very impressive.   I like a "positive learning curve".

We take turns sleeping in on weekends, me on Sat and her on Sun. I woke up at 1015 and came downstairs.  Here was the exchange:

Me: Hey babe, how'd you sleep?

Her: Fine

Me: What time did everyone wake up?

Her: 730

Good... .maybe ever "better".  Best would be to affirm her some more first thing... .compliment... .say nice things... .try to get momentum going in right direction. 

Me: Are you feeling ok? Something seems wrong.

Her: I'm fine

Believe her!  Move along.  If she is not fine... .she may eventually be ready to tell you... .or she may not.  That is up to her.

Me: Well, somethings wrong. (I sometimes do that b/c I know simething is wrong and she bottles it up which makes it worse)

Very dangerous territory.  Most likely invalidating.  What does invalidation mean to you?  Critical you realize this.  1 invalidation can wipe out 10 (or more) validations... . 

Critical!

Her: I'm fine, I'm gonna go lay down.

Believe her... .make a small gesture... .like putting a fresh glass of icewater next to her... .and move along.

  she is pissed.

Maybe... .or maybe not.  Either way... .they are her feelings... .you don't own them... .let her keep them... .if she tosses them at you... .don't catch them (more on this later)

I would bet over last night. I can't seem to win. This isn't over and she will wake up pissed. Days like this suck.

Don't predict the future... .especially a negative future... .your predictions... .sometimes... .many times affect your reality.

I'll hush for now... .

Looking forward to more discussion... .you are on your way to a better r/s... .!

FF

[formflier]

I am military. It's a physical aptitude test. Push ups, Sit ups, 1.5 mile run.

Nice... .if you feel comfortable... .tell me what branch... .what you do... .etc etc.

I'm a retired Naval Aviator... .flew E-2 Hawkeyes off carriers for the majority of my career.  Had a couple shore commands.  Now I'm an executive type... .currently in a job search situation.  So... .I'm stay at home dad... .while wife is teaching.

I'm glad you are military... .that is going to make it easier to educate yourself about BPD... .most military like rules.  We have plenty on here... .

Be warned:  The rules may not make sense... .but there is an "order to the disorder"... .it is just foreign to us.

FF

[GaGrl]

Another military Non... .my DH was an Army infantry officer. When his then-wife (uNPD/BPD) was especially difficult, DH poured a lot of frustration into running. I still have the record of his perfect PT score (300 at the time was perfect score).

Military families have some unique challenges. Add a PD and it can be especially difficult.

[formflier]

Another military Non... .my DH was an Army infantry officer. When his then-wife (uNPD/BPD) was especially difficult, DH poured a lot of frustration into running. I still have the record of his perfect PT score (300 at the time was perfect score).

Military families have some unique challenges. Add a PD and it can be especially difficult.

Wow... .a 300!  Nice.

I got up to ... .270 or so... .

I could max situps and pushup... .but... .I'm not a fast runner... .

FF

[CastleofGlass]

FF-Thank you for the critique on all points of my post. Those are the things I need at this time. The what's wrong is a very serious statement I need to eliminate. I've been in that habit for 9 years. I think the more serious lesson I need is what would be suggested in a dysregulated period to try and move forward. In the past, ignoring her or not showing interest in what is running through her mind has proven to prolong the situation. She wants to feel I care (She has vocalized this to me). Also, certain times she has expressed that there are times that when I don't follow to try to see what's wrong, she is more upset (Trap alert, I know this. I absolutely see that ) This is about change and moving from those traps. Given what I have said, what is a good strategy for addressing the situation? I've been with this woman 9 years and I know a dysregulation does not move on without some form of discussion and unfortunately, JADING. What is hard is my wife pays attention to my changes and if something seems off about what I do, she takes it negatively. I do care and I do want to try to talk it out. How do I at least get her to open up, even if it's a venting situation she needs without crossing the JADE line?

[formflier]

FF-Thank you for the critique on all points of my post.

Welcome!

The what's wrong is a very serious statement I need to eliminate.

  I think the more serious lesson I need is what would be suggested in a dysregulated period to try and move forward.

In the past, ignoring her or not showing interest in what is running through her mind has proven to prolong the situation.

Hmmm... .maybe we should explore this more.  It may seem this way... .but my guess... .was that both of you were "getting something" out of the dance... .and that is why you were dancing that way.

Ignoring is bad.  Pestering is bad too.  Happy medium.    So... .test the waters... ."how are you feeling?"  Hand her glass of water... .and see what happens.  If happy is sent your way... .roll with it.

If the grouch comes your way... ."I'm sorry you feel that way... ."... .maybe a quick pat on back... .rub of shoulders... .and move along.  "Hey... .I was thinking about fish for dinner... .would you like cod... .or salmon."

Ok... .you have to be genuine... .remember that they are sensitive to emotion.  So... ."I'm sorry you feel that way" can be dismissive... .(very bad!)... .or genuine... .(good... .healthy)... .

Note... .you may need to try some different words to be authentic here... .point is that you are showing concern... .empathizing... .BUT NOT RESCUING!  The feelings are hers... .both good and bad.

She wants to feel I care (She has vocalized this to me).

This is a fine desire to have.  When she starts want you to do things to "prove" you care... .that is now controlling... .and pwBPD like to move the bar... .so you try... .she moves the bar... .and points out that you "almost made it... ." but failed... .

Next time she vocalizes this... ."Help me understand what this looks like... ." (hush and listen... .you are not a mind reader)

Let her know that you do care and will do your best... .do not assure her that she will feel that you care... .that is not up to you.  Her feelings... .are her business.

Also, certain times she has expressed that there are times that when I don't follow to try to see what's wrong, she is more upset (Trap alert, I know this. I absolutely see that )

Trap alert... .move along... .she is entitled to her opinion... .don't save her from that.

This is about change and moving from those traps.

Given what I have said, what is a good strategy for addressing the situation?

Don't fall into the trap... .just because she wants to fight... .wants to whatever... .doesn't mean you have to.

Instead of "fighting" the odd things that she does... ."deflect" them.  Takes a lot less energy (a slight step to the side)... .and you keep moving on to what you believe is healthy and right to do.

Note:  If she asks ... .in a reasonable way... .for something reasonable... .go with that... .until it becomes bad or unhealthy. 

So... .she will eventually notice... .  If I ask properly... .I get results... .if I'm grouchy and silent... .I don't get what I want. 

She will figure it out... .let her figure it out.

I've been with this woman 9 years and I know a dysregulation does not move on without some form of discussion and unfortunately, JADING.

NO NO NO NO! 

That is what she wants... .she "gets something" from all the contortions you go through to explain yourself.

JADE:  There are some that say never... .ever JADE.  My take... .is avoid it.  And on some occasions... .when you deem the topic to be important.  Explain yourself... .fully... .clearly... .ONCE.  And move along.

She may try to ask questions... .get you to keep talking... .blah blah blah... .move along.  She heard you.

If she kept interrupting... .and really didn't hear... .that is her loss.  She will figure it out... .don't explain again.

What is hard is my wife pays attention to my changes and if something seems off about what I do, she takes it negatively.

That is her choice... .

I do care and I do want to try to talk it out. How do I at least get her to open up, even if it's a venting situation she needs without crossing the JADE line?

You are NOT her therapist.  Limited venting is normal... .most of the time "nons" listen to waaaaaay too much.

Listen for a minute or two... .offer support... .empathy... .then move along.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR WIFE'S THERAPIST... .!

[CastleofGlass]

FF-Very good input here. Update to the status:

Just went to speak with her as she had sent me a text that our 2D has been in her crib for an hour talking and playing rather than going to sleep. Told her I had spoken with our daughter twice about taking a nap if she wants to play outside later. She accepted that and remained silent. I gave her updates on the kids and their luncg situation. Then I asked how she is feeling, she said fine in a calmer tone. I said I could tell you were tired last night as you were snoring when I came in last night. She said "Not really, I was tossing and turning for hours." Then she followed up with "So what did you do all night?" I replied that I just watched 3 episodes of Family Guy like we usually do and I came to bed. She then asked what I wanted to do about the garage. It's a bit messy again as we have some baby items in there we need to clean up before bringing in. I told her I could wipe them down and straighten up the rest of the garage if she wanted. She said that's fine. I then asked what else she wanted to accomplish today, she said she isn't doing anything today. "I'm not going to sit in my chair and stare at the wall." Then, told me to bring our 2d in there so she could maybe get her to fall asleep.

So I didn't go into her feelings from last night or today. But with her comment of not wanting to sit in the chair and stare at the wall, she is still ticked about things. Not mind reading, I just know the tone and her mannerisms. I did ask after she said that if there was anything else she wanted to do today and she said "Nope." I'm sure a lot of how I handled that is better than in the past, but seeing as she is still dysregulated, it doesn't feel like anything is better.

[CastleofGlass]

I think one more important piece of who I am is that I have one serious character flaw when it comes to dealing with BPD. I am gor the most part a big kid. I like to make many jokes and make people laugh, but I have a huge problem with irrationality and people who make stupid decisions that impact many others. I've had it since my teen years at work. I hated bosses that would make stupid choices based on their position. I am also a guge smart ass. So I felt the need to be the one to stick up for people by voicing my opinions. Yes, being military, it has been a very hard career. I have gotten in trouble on multiple occasions for sticking up for what is right concerning people that work for me. So when my uBPDw gets angry and punishes me or the family for her emotional issues, I slip back into that person and get angry as well. Something that is still an on going work in progress, but many times over, I am biting my tongue and shaking.

[formflier]

Good posts... .nice and clear... .  How many of the lessons have you read... .and reread?  Which ones have stuck out at you?

It's great that you can take direction... .and input... .but ultimately... .my interest is that you understand why you are... .and aren't doing certain things.

OK... .here we go... .

FF-Very good input here. Update to the status:

Just went to speak with her as she had sent me a text that our 2D has been in her crib for an hour talking and playing rather than going to sleep. Told her I had spoken with our daughter twice about taking a nap if she wants to play outside later. She accepted that and remained silent.

Good... .and... .by the way... .I like the parenting style... .naps are key... .otherwise they are little terrors. 

One thought... .to go from better... .to best.  Speak with daughter... .once... .clearly... .and let it go at that.  Otherwise... .you risk training them to not listen the first time you speak.

Listen... .they outnumber you... .so... .conserve energy... .be efficient... .it's a marathon.  My oldest is 19... .youngest is 2.     

I gave her updates on the kids and their luncg situation. Then I asked how she is feeling, she said fine in a calmer tone.

I said I could tell you were tired last night as you were snoring when I came in last night.

Mind reading assumption alert.  Be careful here... .

Best to ask questions... .that don't suggest... .or lead.  "How was last night for you?"  (You already asked how she felt... .so mix it up a bit)

She said "Not really, I was tossing and turning for hours."

Probably a mild invalidation... .she didn't "feel" the way you said she felt... .  (do you see the possible danger here?)... .

Then she followed up with "So what did you do all night?"

OK... .if this is exact quote (I'm assuming it is... .)... .there is a danger sign here. 

So... .what did you do last night? (seems normal)

So... .what did you do all night?  Could be bait... .because of the "extreme" ALL... .this is close to always and never.  They don't mean a dysreg is coming... .but they are alert words... .be careful.

"I'm not going to sit in my chair and stare at the wall." 

High five!  My guess is she tossed out some bait... .you left it lying on the floor.  Nice work.   

So I didn't go into her feelings from last night or today.

You asked... .you... ."got into" them lightly... .she seemed fine with it... .it seems you are fine with it... .let it go.

But with her comment of not wanting to sit in the chair and stare at the wall, she is still ticked about things. Not mind reading, I just know the tone and her mannerisms.

Hmmm... .so... .if you are right... .does that matter?  Why should you worry about that?  I suppose it's good to be generally aware that your spouse might be ticked... .and might be ticked because of "something" that you did... .but... .it's their choice to be ticked... .or not. 

You offered up conversation... .about feelings... .she didn't want to get into it... .so... .BELIEVE HER... .and move along.

I did ask after she said that if there was anything else she wanted to do today and she said "Nope."

Good... .you asked... .she spoke... .that is a clear answer... .  Count yourself lucky. 

Seriously... .

Many times I get... .

Me:  what else would you want to do today... .

my wife:  I told you to do x... .y... .and z last weekend.

Me:  I hear you... .it's frustrating when there is so much to do... .I'm about to go start working on things today.  If you would like to give me your input on priorities for today... .I would like to here them.

my wife:  Why would I do that... .?  Since you will do what you want to anyway... .

Me:  Looking forward to the dinner we are planning... .last time you made that... .it was amazing.

And... .I head out the door... . 

I'm sure a lot of how I handled that is better than in the past, but seeing as she is still dysregulated, it doesn't feel like anything is better.

And... .you will need to work with your feelings... .even if they are uncomfortable... .listen to them... .what are they telling you.  Are you making someone else responsible for them?  Who is responsible for them?

Keep it up!  You are on the right track!

FF

[CastleofGlass]

I know that right now I am just depressed. I hate that everyday is a toss up. That one minute all is right in the world and the next is a soul sucking dark cloud of raw emotion. I'm a hopeless romantic. I hate conflict. I don't want rainbows and butterflies everyday, but I want minimal drama. I feel bad for my kids. Even if I finally figure this thing out and learn to be a better person, they still have this toxic disorder to deal with from their mother. She isn't diagnosed... .that's the worst part. She doesn't know what I know. This is a 50% battle right now. She hasn't seen a T since being here so there is no one but me dealing/coping/helping with all of this... .

[formflier]

I know that right now I am just depressed.

Language matters... .don't minimize or "stuff" your feelings.  "just" depressed... .is a bit disregarding. 

I am depressed... .is a different way to look at it.

Say those to yourself... .does it sound... .and feel different to you? 

I hate that everyday is a toss up.

Yep... .that does suck... .it really... .really does. 

That one minute all is right in the world and the next is a soul sucking dark cloud of raw emotion.

Very vivid... .

How does your soul get sucked... .?  I have used this exact same term... .so... .I'm curious what it means to you.

I'm a hopeless romantic. I hate conflict. I don't want rainbows and butterflies everyday, but I want minimal drama.

I feel bad for my kids. Even if I finally figure this thing out and learn to be a better person, they still have this toxic disorder to deal with from their mother.

Yep... .this stinks.

What can you do about it?  (note... .this is the pathway to hope... .as a Dad... .this is where I get energy to keep going)

She isn't diagnosed... .that's the worst part.

OK... .I used to think this way.  Diagnosis doesn't matter for you.  It matters for PhDs and MDs... .and all of that.  You see behaviors... .you live with behaviors... .you will learn to respond better to behaviors.

Seriously... .diagnosis doesn't matter for you. 

She doesn't know what I know.

At this point... .I think this is better.  there are lessons about getting your partner to treatment.  Read them... .hold off... .for a while... .a long time... .taking action on this.

This is a 50% battle right now. She hasn't seen a T since being here so there is no one but me dealing/coping/helping with all of this... .

Tell me about her prior use of a T... .

Keep'em coming... .good posts... .

FF

[CastleofGlass]

The 'soul sucking' analogy I used is because it is a feeling in the entire room she is in. My T actually stated it is a chacteristic of a pwBPD. You can actually feel the raw emotion crackling around them. I am a Star Wars nerd and to put it in those terms, it's the damn dark side. I feel the happiness leave my body. Tge anxiety of the dysregulation washes over me. I can't predict the outcome, I can't stop it. They are hers. I think I am very intelligent in recognizing what I can and can't control and many times I give myself the answers to why my anxiety would be a waste of energy. But, it's something I can't control yet. My emotions and feelings of lost hope.

I have posted about how her T sessions would go. I will see if I can locate them.

[CastleofGlass]

Here we go. Sorry to post a link instead. I'm on my cell phone and makes it faster on my end.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=278008.0;all

This is the info on the T sessions.

[Hmcbart]

I've been following your posts and I feel for what you're going through. Your life and mine seem to be on the same path. The only exception is I have been out of the military for 20 years and stopped after the second child.

I'm envious that you have found out about BPD and this community as soon as you did. I have been with my wife for twenty years and only learned about everything this past December. I have a lot of my own imbedded behaviors to overcome. 20 years is a long time to develope self defeating habits.

Keep working at it. I don't yet see a light at the end of the tunnel but I'm too far into it to turn back now. Your Star Wars analogy was perfect for what most of us are going through. Sadly in this analogy, she's a Sith Lord and I'm a Padwan.

Thanks for posting, a lot of what your dealing with could fit my situation and some of it is word for word.

[formflier]

I am a Star Wars nerd and to put it in those terms, it's the damn dark side. 

I knew there was a reason I liked you... .man... .this makes the lessons and training go a whole lot easier.

Ready for the final exam... .

You need to become Jabba the hut... .

Explain in as many words as you need why that is an appropriate analogy.

I've got a bad feeling about this... .      

FF

[formflier]

 

Check your link... .I think that is to a question about being happy... .

FF

[GaGrl]

The soul sucking, emotionally dark atmosphere was why DH referred to his then-wife as The Dark Princess. This was before he knew anything about NPD or BPD or types. She is never a Hermit but cycles through Queen ("I want/give me... .", Witch ("I didn't get/You didn't give me... .", and Waif ("I need/I'm so helpless... .).

Recognizing where she was on any given day or hour, as quickly as possible, often helped him ease the situation and lighten the oppressive atmosphere.

[Hmcbart]

I am a Star Wars nerd and to put it in those terms, it's the damn dark side.  

I knew there was a reason I liked you... .man... .this makes the lessons and training go a whole lot easier.

Ready for the final exam... .

You need to become Jabba the hut... .

Explain in as many words as you need why that is an appropriate analogy.

I've got a bad feeling about this... .   

FF

I know this one! Can I answer?

"Your powers only work on the week minded!"

[formflier]

I know this one! Can I answer?

Take a number... .you get to answer after my padawan... .

Patience ... .patience... .

FF

[Hmcbart]

Yep, that's how I get myself in a trick bag at home too. I always open the wrong face hole. Instead of the ears I open the mouth and start digging my own grave.

I'll sit back down and be quite now. Got excited about the Star Wars analogies. 

[CastleofGlass]

Sorry, gonna be a bit. I hear movement upstairs. She has awoken. I'll answer questions and update whenever I can. May be a while.

[formflier]

I'll sit back down and be quite now. Got excited about the Star Wars analogies. 

In all seriousness... .I actually use lots of Star Wars in my parenting... .to make a point.  Note... .the boys are all big star wars fans... .so they get it... .doesn't work as well on the girls... .

Parents are in charge!

So... .when kids start whining about something changing... .

Me(darth) "I'm altering the deal... .pray I don't alter in any further... ."  this usually cuts the tension... .and they get it... .without a long explanation.

Also  "Perhaps you feel you are being treated unfairly?"  also works

Star Wars rocks!

FF

[formflier]

  She has awoken. 

This sounds ominous... .

Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to loose

Fear is the path to the dark side... .

[Hmcbart]

  She has awoken. 

This sounds ominous... .

Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to loose

Fear is the path to the dark side... .

Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will.

all that's left is for my son to cut off my hand. 

[CastleofGlass]

I absolutely love what I have started here. I can very much relate my marriage to Star Wars... .so sad. But I have read a lot of the books and believe it or not, I have applied some aspects of it to my dealings with my wife. She came down calm and even apologized for being gone most of the day (left to nap when I came downstairs), so personal victory. I have been learning to not even bring up any past incidents, even to see if she is better. Personally, I don't care about them anymore. Seems to be working. Let her resolve the conflict. I will not be Luke and convice her there is one at all to overcome.

Side note, I get the Jabba reference. I need to have enough willpower to render the force ineffective, in otherwords, dysregulation has no effect on my emotions or feelings.