Is guilt not self-indulgent?

Just sitting here thinking how guilty I feel for having brought in this f*cking hell into my daughter's life via my UxBPDbf. I absolutely hate what she is going through as a result of his presence in my life. And she never even met the man. I can't even imagine how much worse it could/would be if I had let him into my family life.

I am feeling guilty. Which is not ill-founded. But it strikes me that wallowing around in my guilt is actually pretty self-absorbed and self-indulgent. Because doing so means I am spending time/energy thinking/feeling what *I* think and feel instead of being really present and available to *her* and what she needs/wants, etc. Although I (we) say I feel guilty about her, guilt is REALLY all about me. MY experience. MY interpretation. MY regrets. MY feelings. So I think it is, actually, rather self-indulgent.

As such, if I care about her as much as I say I do and if I want to help her recover and feel better then I need to stop hanging out in a bathtub filled up with sh*t called guilt. Literally, as I write that, I get am image of me sitting in a bathtub in a locked bathroom being physically, emotionally and mentally unavailable to her. With her on the other side of the door. Wanting me. Needing me. While I am locked away, licking my wounds, saying how sorry I am and how guilty I feel. All the while being unavailable. That is not the mother I want to be.

I want to be with her, out of that bathtub, out of that bathroom. Even if I can't fix it for her I want to be there with her. Wherever that may be. In her anger. In her sorrow. In her fears. So I need to get over my own self, get out of that tub of guilt. I want to be with her, see things as they are, make good, reality-based decisions that help us move ourselves down the field.

What say you?



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