It isn't 'splitting', is it?

[foggydew]

I'm a bit confused (understatement). A certain behaviour pattern is cristallising out. When we go away, uBPD person will be feeling happy and excited and looking forward to the trip. The first day is generally OK, but then the problems kick in - constant criticism, then belittling, usually when we are alone.  He manages to be polite and pleasant with people we are visiting. Yesterday the problems  increased and there was eye rolling and big sighs if I didn't hear or understand what he said, even in the presence of other family members. Any contribution of mine to a conversation was greeted with sighs and negative comments. He also mixed up times and meetings, so we were often late for meals.

The journey home is generally in complete silence, with annoyed grunts if I say anything. The nearer we get to home, the more relaxed the situation becomes, and by the time we are home I'm reinstated as a normal person.

This has been repeated many times, both for long and long distance trips, and for shorter ones too. Once he said he finds it difficult to be so close.

It isn't 'splitting', is it?

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[enlighten me]

PwBPD hate to be out of their comfort zone. For some this is home. Others could be a certain bar or restraunt. Being out of the comfort zone stresses them out. They may worry that people they have kept at arms length will see through them or that things they said will come back around and bite them. It could just be the fear of looking foolish in front of strangers.

My ex wife always wanted to go on holiday but everytime we did a similar pattern to yours would happen and she would always become ill. Once home its as if she could breath again.

[married21years]

hi, to me this sounds like suppressing emotions in public then when alone with you releasing emotions through anger.

it is an avoidance technique used by my wife for years.

it is in the book loving someone with BPD

hope this helps 

[foggydew]

Thanks a lot for your comments - helps me to kind of categorise the problems. Both the idea of being out of the comfort zone and that of suppressing emotions seem relevant.

[an0ught]

Hi foggydew,

some of what you describe could be related to weak boundaries on both, particularly his side. The travel brings both sides into closer contact. The symptom development you describe is what I would expect when a couple gets more and more enmeshed and starts getting triggered by the partner for no good reasons. I have not heard a story here on the board where such a fast dynamic related to loosing identity has developed but then not all reports are so clear. You were there so you know best and if this makes sense to you then:

- general work on boundaries

- helping him developing boundaries

- PUVAS, especially during vacation

- finding time separate during vacation

- insisting and supporting privacy and respect during vacation

in addition emotional roller-coaster management

- validate before vacation when he is happy that he is happy. That should help him feeling less happy and more balanced.

- validate disappointment during vacation. Vacations are a huge let-down etc. . That helps him feeling less terrible.

[waverider]

Anxiety being around too many unknown variables and influences causes them to expect something to go wrong. Someone needs to take the blame if it does, that would be you.

My partner is so bad now that she won't even attend any of her family gatherings, as she has a fear of being criticized.  Fear of attack triggers preemptive attack mode in herself as defense.

Having to be on "best behavior/under control" is something they prefer to choose when it suits them. When they are under pressure to do this as a result of having to be somewhere or with someone else, that choice is imposed on them. This brings resentment, as they are doing it for someone elses benefit rather than their own. That puts them in resentful martyr mode

[vortex of confusion]

This reminds me of something one of my kids said one time when we were away from home for some reason. She was getting anxious and wanted to get home. I asked her why and she said that she hates being away from her stuff for so long. She wanted to get home and make sure that everything was okay. That fear of coming home and having something be wrong or messed up can cause a lot of anxiety. The minute we get home and she sees that everything is as it should be, she will relax.

[foggydew]

Thanks, everyone. So it does seem that this behaviour is not so unusual. However, this time it seems to be stronger than usual... he won't talk to me, avoids contact and is drinking a lot. All I can do is keep out of the way. Oh, he does make rather negative comments about me on FB, superficially meant to be funny, so I guess he still has all the resentment you were talking about, Waverider. And now I remember that there were also a couple of times that he swore he wouldn't travel with me any more because I'm so hopeless and stupid (once I had my handbag stolen, once I forgot my passport). The martyr is certainly present this time too.