Seven days of NC, and he messaged me last night.

[misuniadziubek]

We had not spoken for 7 days officially yesterday night. The week had started off rather okay but become an arduous process by the 5th and 6th day. Last night I was talking to some friends about the situation and it just hit me that we weren't technically together. It was probably my most intense experience of withdrawal from this relationship. I physically felt sick and my chest felt like it was going to explode and I just broke down completely for a good ten minutes.

The fact that I was severely sleep deprived did not help. I tend to have less handle on my emotions when I'm in that state.

I think it's because in talking with my friends, I had this sudden clarity and saw the things that I wasn't responsible for, couldn't change. . My friends were telling me about all the times that my pwBPD had come online to a group chat with them and acted like an absolute a-hole. These are people who don't know him -that- well but have talked to him a few times. Seeing him interact with them in the past has actually been kind of like 'clearing up the fog' in terms of his personality. It definitely highlights a lot of his insecurities.

The irony here of course is that he has always been critical of me in social situations. Telling me that I'm awkward or my jokes aren't funny or that I embarrass him. I only began to realise at some point in the last few months that his perspective is actually quite skewed, and he's almost gaslighting, by projecting his own insecurities onto me, and I gladly accept it because I was socially underdeveloped as a kid and I had a lot of issues making and keeping friends so it -seemed- probable.

The truth is, most of his friends like me to the point they would gladly hang out with me even without him and unfortunately, these friends I was talking to, would gladly take -my side-. Not that I want that. It makes me feel worse, in fact, because if we were to permanently split, my partner would be the odd one out.

So here I am, broken down, and my partner messages me, because we had agreed to 'check up' to make sure we're both okay.

I try to keep the conversation neutral. This isn't supposed to be a meaningful conversation, and we had agreed that it be short, to the point and not discuss the relationship, but he jumps in to say that he feels the urge to call random people my nickname and that he truly doesn't think that he can be with anyone else.

That's great. I don't really react to it. I tell him that my dad's computer broke down, because he's the one that sold it to him. He instantly goes, "Oh there's a problem? I can be there if you need."

No. It can wait. - He's trying to cut the break short and I am well aware of this, so I cut him off and end the conversation telling him to take care of himself.

I'm really seeing how NC would probably be better than VLC. It's making it harder to detach. It brings back those feelings of me wanting to protect him from the big bad world, comfort him and all that. That's not my role right now.

I love him. And I'm a codependent going through withdrawal. Maintaining the boundaries of this break is the only thing I have to hold onto. In a very unstable relationship, any stability I can hold onto is my sanity.

Less fog. More me and who I am. I don't know if at the end of this, I'll want to get back together. For now the answer seems to be a solid yes, but it comes with a very strange awareness of how important it is for me to keep myself separate from him, and not get so incredibly enmeshed in the relationship.

His emotions, reactions, consequences to his actions are all his responsibility no matter how much I'd -like- to take care of him. Telling him that though, might be a mistake, because to him it just feels like I don't care about those things him.

I think I really need to learn more skills and tools, because I've been living in automatic and it's time to go manual.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Ceruleanblue]

It sounds like he was baiting you in his texts, and you didn't take the bait. Good for you. If you decide to get back together, it sounds like you are in a much healthier place now, and fully realize that you need to take care of yourself. It's hard work, but you are doing it.

Plus, once you are clued in to the gaslighting and projection, it makes it easier to see and deal with. It becomes much less effective for them to use on us. They keep trying, but it loses it's power over us.

Hang in there, keep your eyes open, keep learning, and nothing but good can come from all that.

[Notwendy]

Mis, you have gained some valuable insights.

Good for you for having the clarity to see your withdrawal. Keep in mind he is also going through withdrawal from his own addiction to you- the codependency, also the rage a holic.

You didn't take the bait. the bait to bring you back into the emotional stuff you two were in, because it takes two to play. He needed a fix.

You are contemplating LC vs NC. Choose what you need. Do what you think is best for you. Right now, it is about taking care of you.

IMHO You are doing great sorting these things out for yourself.

[misuniadziubek]

It sounds like he was baiting you in his texts, and you didn't take the bait. Good for you. If you decide to get back together, it sounds like you are in a much healthier place now, and fully realize that you need to take care of yourself. It's hard work, but you are doing it.

Plus, once you are clued in to the gaslighting and projection, it makes it easier to see and deal with. It becomes much less effective for them to use on us. They keep trying, but it loses it's power over us.

Hang in there, keep your eyes open, keep learning, and nothing but good can come from all that.

I definitely see more and more that I either ignored or didn't see before. And that's giving me a bit of-anxiety perhaps? I have to come to terms with it. His behaviour is often toxic to me and I need to take care of myself first.

He's been sleeping with someone else this week. And he ended up telling one of my friends, bragging really. So that's why he was telling me that he can't imagine being with anyone else. Because that 'conquest' as he calls them... .doesn't react the way I do. Isn't as accepting. Whatever.

It hurts I suppose, but rationally I know this is his own self-destructive behaviour and he's really only hurting himself. Ironically it's almost like he is trying to get back at me in some way. By telling my friend. I genuinely don't know. And I don't know if at the end of this I will feel like I want to put up with this sort of thing either. He needs help. I can't fix this. I can't protect him from the consequences either. I'm almost sad(?) that he might end up losing me, because I really think that I am someone special, especially with how much I've been taking care of my own needs lately. 

Mis, you have gained some valuable insights.

Good for you for having the clarity to see your withdrawal. Keep in mind he is also going through withdrawal from his own addiction to you- the codependency, also the rage a holic.

You didn't take the bait. the bait to bring you back into the emotional stuff you two were in, because it takes two to play. He needed a fix.

You are contemplating LC vs NC. Choose what you need. Do what you think is best for you. Right now, it is about taking care of you.

IMHO You are doing great sorting these things out for yourself.

Yeah... .For a bit, when he first contacted me, I was almost mad. Here I am having an emotional breakdown, dealing with my own pain as wholely as I possibly can and you're messaging me and cutting it short,  .

I was worried that this would be like a small relapse for me. That I'd go back to FOG-iness. That he would reel me in. He did for a moment there. But I stopped myself. I talked to other people. I took care of myself. I'm in a good place right now, I am making progress. Healing, seeing things clearer and clearer. Realising the value of my own worth. I know I'll be fine. I knew even when we started this break that I'd be fine. This relationship has been invaluable for me in terms of showing me the holes in my own reality and helping me see that my thoughts are sometimes dysfunctional and abnormal. I did all of this self-work, WHILE with him. I told him outright that I don't need the break to keep doing that.

But he was relentless and so I accepted it and took it as an opportunity to turbo-charge my healing. Lol. Mostly just take it one day at a time and love myself.

I will continue to be strong.