Hello

[SurfNTurf]

Hello,

I am new to this forum, having lurked for the past month and read the forum boards.

My husband has BPD/PD behaviors. My therapist pointed me in the direction of investigating PD behaviors. My husband refuses therapy because he has no problems.

For the most part, my boundary setting is improving and often I can detach when I should. But I'm finding myself lonely - and grateful for my friends and pets! - as I didn't think I would be in a marriage.

I hope to continue to learn from all of you, and hope today is a healthy one for you.

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[ColdEthyl]

Hello and Welcome! 

I'm glad you are here and hope you find the help and support you are looking for

How have the lessons been going for you so far? Have you seen improvements? What is happening in your life to make you feel lonely? Is it something your SO is doing, or is it dealing with BPD issues that make you feel lonely?

[vortex of confusion]

For the most part, my boundary setting is improving and often I can detach when I should. But I'm finding myself lonely - and grateful for my friends and pets! - as I didn't think I would be in a marriage.

Welcome to the forums!

It takes time to get the hang of boundaries. I am still working on it. Some days are good days and other days not so much. The feelings of loneliness are difficult to take. I have worked on trying to accept that this is the way things are. Sometimes, it helps with the loneliness and other times it makes me feel even more lonely because I find myself thinking, "This isn't what I signed up for when I got married."

Is there a specific area that you are finding most problematic? Is there a boundary that you are trying to set but are having difficulties?

 

[SurfNTurf]

Thank you, Vortex and Ethyl, for your kind words. I think I'm improving in boundary setting in that I am no longer always 'taking the bait'. When I don't 'play', he has no fuel. As a result, his tantrums are less intense, and shorter in duration, and the frequency is reduced. I see this as a move in the right direction.

My loneliness stems from his distancing himself from me. You see, as I set boundaries, not only does the negative stuff get reduced, but also the good stuff. It's almost like he's paying me back for setting boundaries. One specific occurrence: My mother died a few months ago. He barely could make me a cup of tea on the day of her death, and used his 'bereavement' time at work to travel across country home to her funeral, only to tell me 'I'm going to such and so town to visit my friends.' As a result, my family no longer has respect for him. Then, when he could not be supportive a few months ago when mom died, just this past month his 34 y/o daughter had to put her dog down. Boy was he on a plane in no time to 'comfort' his daughter during her 'grief.'

I have  few friends, b/c of his behaviors, but the ones I do have are solid rocks. And I find my anxiety is reduced when I spend time walking the dog or playing with the cat. I have other hobbies; I quilt, and I make little blankets for the NICU babies at the Children's HOspital. I like to garden. These are ways I take care of me.

Thank you for listening.

[ColdEthyl]

I think I'm improving in boundary setting in that I am no longer always 'taking the bait'. When I don't 'play', he has no fuel. As a result, his tantrums are less intense, and shorter in duration, and the frequency is reduced. I see this as a move in the right direction.

That sounds likes it going in the right direction What method are you applying to enforce your boundaries?

My loneliness stems from his distancing himself from me. You see, as I set boundaries, not only does the negative stuff get reduced, but also the good stuff. It's almost like he's paying me back for setting boundaries.

He is. Some pwBPD do silent treatments/extinction bursts. Has he said anything about it, or did he just start clamming up?

My mother died a few months ago. He barely could make me a cup of tea on the day of her death, and used his 'bereavement' time at work to travel across country home to her funeral, only to tell me 'I'm going to such and so town to visit my friends.' As a result, my family no longer has respect for him. Then, when he could not be supportive a few months ago when mom died, just this past month his 34 y/o daughter had to put her dog down. Boy was he on a plane in no time to 'comfort' his daughter during her 'grief.'

I am so sorry to hear about your mother. I am also very sorry you had to endure that loss alone.   I know it must have hurt to see him support someone else but no you when you needed him the most. It's very possible it was 'punishment' since he might have you painted black right now. Sometimes... .they just don't make too much sense. My H can cry about a neighbor we don't even know leaving in an ambulance... .but couldn't have a kind word for me or hold my hand when my grandmother died.

I have  few friends, b/c of his behaviors, but the ones I do have are solid rocks. And I find my anxiety is reduced when I spend time walking the dog or playing with the cat. I have other hobbies; I quilt, and I make little blankets for the NICU babies at the Children's HOspital. I like to garden. These are ways I take care of me.

Very good! It's good for all of use to take time for ourselves and find our own joy... .I'm still working on that myself.

[vortex of confusion]

Thank you, Vortex and Ethyl, for your kind words. I think I'm improving in boundary setting in that I am no longer always 'taking the bait'. When I don't 'play', he has no fuel. As a result, his tantrums are less intense, and shorter in duration, and the frequency is reduced. I see this as a move in the right direction.

I want to offer you condolences on the loss of your mother.   

I can relate to what you are saying. At least he was paying attention to me when he was having a tantrum and I was engaging. Now that I am trying to disengage from stuff and set boundaries, things seem weird. Like you say, the bad isn't there but it seems like everything else is more neutral. It takes some time to adjust. I am struggling with this same thing. We just celebrated our anniversary and there was no real drama. The problem for me was that I was lonely because he seemed so disconnected and checked out.

Yes, we are moving in the right direction. It sounds like you are doing great. It will take time for both of you to adjust.