More sneaky crap...

[Ceruleanblue]

I was looking at BPDh's phone because right before he went to sleep he was texting a guy about us going to look at a car. They'd been texting back and forth, and BPDh went to sleep, so I checked to see if the guy texted back. This was when I noticed an odd text from his son. I looked because it seems odd, something to do with keys. Well, come to find out, BPDh let his so go into our storage unit and take some stuff? You have to crawl on things to get to stuff, and I'm so upset that he did this without even asking me. I had some glassware upfront, and his kids are notoriously careless(they don't treat things nicely).

I feel sort of violated, and just can't believe BPDh thought this was just okay. He apparently took fishing poles, and who knows what else. I had a brand new fishing pole that BPDh had bought me, and I hadn't even used yet. Yeah, like I want his son's off/on girlfriend using it before I even get to... .it was still in it's packaging. I'm so sick of all this sneaky crap. BPDh just spent $4,500 on a failed venture for this same 21 year old son. Who does that? BPDh wasn't able to pay our movers because he'd blown that 4500. He asked the mover to hold the check.

I get along with his son, and like him, but I'm still not happy how he uses BPDh. His son had made zero effort to pay back any of that money, yet he's talking about buying a house? We rent, we don't even own, because BPDh mismanaged money terribly.

I found out his son had gone in our storage unit and asked BPDh about it, and he blew up on me. I'm sick of tiptoeing around his BPD rages, and I feel I can't get justifiably upset just because he has BPD. Is there a good way to address issues you are angry about when someone has BPD?

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[Ceruleanblue]

I'm thinking of changing the locks on the storage unit. Is this a good or bad idea? BPDh has proven over and over that he can't be trusted, and I really have never had trust issues. I stopped trusting him in certain areas long after I should have. I kept thinking he'd stop doing weird, impulsive, sneaky things.

BPDh wouldn't get rid of any of that stuff before we moved. We needed to have a huge garage sale, and sell lots of that stuff, his and mine, but he wouldn't. I wouldn't let my kids go through and take stuff without telling him. I feel violated, in a way.

Should I change the locks, which might make him mad, or give him yet another chance, knowing he'll probably just do what he wants, and who knows what we'll end up missing? His kids are never around to help, but they sure always want, want, want, and three of the four hate me. I used to give them stuff, but on the days I would they'd end up mad for no reason, so I stopped.

Good idea to change the locks, or no?

[CastleofGlass]

Honestly, I would say it is not a good idea to change the locks at all on your own without it being agreed upon by your husband. You have personal property in that unit as does he. You both have equal say in the matter, unless he is the one who pays on the storage unit (This is meant to be a statement he would use against you and you should be prepared to handle.) I would try to discuss that matter with him again, but do not talk about the issues you have with his son or anyone else when dealing with your property. What should be focused on, is your property and how you have fragile items that you are worried about that others may not realize those items are in there. Some options are getting a smaller storage unit for yourself with your own lock and key or taking a trip to the unit to re organize the layout to where fragile items are in an area of their own and clearly marked.

[formflier]

 

I see two issues... .


One:  If you are sharing a space... .and sharing access... .then I think there should be shared key.

Mutual agreement should be used on who else gets in there.  Should.

This is his choice... .it's also yours.  Your remedy... .and what I think is a good move.  Is to take your stuff out... .put your own lock on it... .and don't discuss it again.

There could be an argument about what is yours and his... .


Two:  Snooping rarely leads to anywhere good.  I've snooped... .and usually feel bad about it... .and usually misinterpret what I find.  I have felt violated when snooped on.  It's a bad cycle/habit to be in.

I'm not saying never... .ever... .just... .be very careful going there.

If you are ok with him snooping... .then maybe it's ok for you to snoop. 

Just like storage... .it's about mutual agreement.

 

Thoughts

FF

[DyingLove]

Change the lock.

Break your key off in the old lock and tell him you dropped it and it broke (after you change the lock of course)... .there is your excuse for the new lock.  Maybe tell him afterwards, that it's not a good idea to give the key out... .or just play it as it comes.

[Ceruleanblue]

That's just it, I have no issues with him snooping anything of mine: phone, email, you name it. I'm very open, and don't have anything on there that I'd care if he saw. Plus, I don't lie to him about MY kids or things I've done. He on the other hand has a long history of lying. He even acknowledges it and makes excuses for it. He lies about things he doesn't need to, and he's been with me long enough to know it would be easier and less damaging to our relationship if he just told the truth. That's been pointed out, I'm sure, in all his therapy.

If he didn't lie and hide things, I wouldn't snoop. I'm normally not that type at all, but then, I've never been with someone like him either. He's often lied to me about money matters concerning his adult kids. Of course parents help their kids, I get that, but he'll lie and say he didn't. He's done that a lot. Just recently he gave 4,500 to his 21 year old son for a business venture that didn't sell one item at the trade event. Now, his son is stuck with the items, and not long after he ended up in the psych ward for major depression. Oh, plus we ended up broke, and without money to pay our movers due to this. My BPDh lacks foresight when it comes to money.

I know snooping isn't ideal, but if he'd just be honest and not hide crap the effects my life too, I'd stop. And he knows I never care if he snooped my phone, but he just knows I don't have secrets, and I leave my phone laying around. His is practically fused to his hand, and he sleeps with it beside him. It's weird.

I don't even know where all my stuff is in the storage unit. It's packed super tight except for a small area in the middle that you have to climb on stuff to get to other stuff. It's insane. Oh, and it's a two door garage unit, but the movers put stuff too close to one door, and that side won't even open. I'd LIKE to get my stuff out, but it's all over everywhere, and it would be a huge undertaking, and BPDh doesn't want to do it.

He's agreed that no one else will be going to OUR storage unit, but again, he lies, so who knows? I can go get the few unboxed fragile items upfront, but the rest of it is buried. Why we have all that crap, I have no idea. Oh wait, I do! He refused to let me donate it, and he didn't want to have a garage sale. So instead we paid a mover to move stuff we don't use, and we are paying rental fees. UGH!

For now, I've decided against changing the locks, as he's agreed to not let anyone else climb around in there and take stuff. If he does it again, I'm definitely changing them. That is my boundary. Not sure how to diplomatically say that, or if that even is a boundary. I just know that is how it's going to be. I wouldn't let any of my family in there without informing him.

[formflier]

If he didn't lie and hide things, I wouldn't snoop. 

Who is responsible for your snooping?

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, obviously "I" am solely responsible for my snooping. I do understand that, because I'm the one who chose to snoop. Before lying was introduced into the relationship, I never even thought of snooping. It wasn't an issue in past relationships. I was married for 18 years prior to this, and I never snooped his phone. He lied occasionally too, but never to this degree, and never about finances or things we'd agreed upon.

I find I'm the last to know everything from BPDh too. It's weird. I get that he's not a big communicator, but it seems he is with others. I'll find about things I'd wish he'd shared with me. Parties coming up, fun things that happened to him and I wish he'd shared, normal stuff like that. I don't need to know everything, but it just feels like he deliberately doesn't share with me. I think he sort of likes to "punish" me by going silent, or withdrawing.

I tried to not snoop, but I'd just end up worrying and obsessing(I have OCD) over what was going to bite me in the butt next.

[Notwendy]

Rather than focus on the pros and cons of snooping, maybe consider your reasons.

"if he didn't lie and hide things I wouldn't snoop" --

This statement may be true, but it focuses on his behavior as a reason for snooping.

Turning the focus on you ( note this is not blaming you)

"I snoop because I don't trust him"

"I snoop because I don't believe him"

These are valid considerations- about trust. However, the problem with snooping is that it violates our own ethics- we don't feel so good about ourselves when we snoop. But we don't have to ignore our boundaries.

It is hard to have firm boundaries about shared space and shared ownership in a marriage, but I wonder, since he can not be trusted with some things, if it would make sense to have separate storage units, some separate funds, so that if your H wants to get into this stuff with his son, it won't involve you. Clearly he is gonna do what he wants with his kids. How can you be the least involved in this?

[formflier]

I tried to not snoop, but I'd just end up worrying and obsessing(I have OCD) over what was going to bite me in the butt next.

What else can you do... instead of snooping... .to protect yourself from the things that are "causing" you to snoop?

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

I know that if I ask about getting a separate storage unit, he won't like that and it will be a huge undertaking. I don't think he'll let anyone back in there at this point.

I also don't really feel guilty for snooping. I used to, but he knows I do it, and he knows why I do it. I wouldn't mind him snooping my stuff, but he just has zero interest, it isn't a matter of right/wrong or ethics. He just knows I don't hide things from him, and he's not very interested me other than superficially. He'd really just like it if I was just a robot with no emotions or feelings, who always said "yes", and who didn't have any needs.

Formflier: I've tried not snooping, and I felt worse. Major things I didn't know, but effected me, he hid from me. The ONE thing that I snoop about is his kids. Because three of the four hate me, lie about me, and have actively tried to ruin our marriage. He left me once, and he'll never convince me it wasn't for THEM. In fact he ended up living with his daughter, and when we were reconciling he stated that he didn't know if he would be happier with ME or HER? How weird is that? So yeah, the only reason I snoop is fear of them, and his lack of boundaries with them(that is improving somewhat), and the fact that the times I've not snooped, I was left in the dark, and it bit me in the butt. Meaning that if I have a heads up(or if he'd shared with me), I could have time to think how best to deal with any assault from them, or BPDh.

As of now, his three girls refuse to be around me, which worked well for them last time. It got him to leave me, and it got him to be totally unhappy with his life. His whole identity is tied up with being a Father.

Do you  have any suggestions of ways I can work on myself so that I don't feel the need to snoop? I really do it to protect myself. He won't/can't protect or stand up for me, and I've taken so much abuse off his kids. He won't tell me things about them or when I might encounter them. I'm sick of living in fear of these mean girls.

[Mutt]

Hi Ceruleanblue,

I was just reading your post and I'm sorry I can't help with you with snooping. I'm sorry your going through this. It has to be difficult how his kids are treating you  

I noticed a couple of things and hope you don't mind.

He just knows I don't hide things from him, and he's not very interested me other than superficially. He'd really just like it if I was just a robot with no emotions or feelings, who always said "yes", and who didn't have any needs.

Do you feel like he's treating you like an object or an ends to a means?

His whole identity is tied up with being a Father.

A pwBPD are often enmeshed with family members and he may very well be enmeshed with his kids.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Problematic parenting


I hope that helps.


----Mutt

[JohnLove]

I find I'm the last to know everything from BPDh too. It's weird. I get that he's not a big communicator, but it seems he is with others. I'll find about things I'd wish he'd shared with me. Parties coming up, fun things that happened to him and I wish he'd shared, normal stuff like that. I don't need to know everything, but it just feels like he deliberately doesn't share with me. I think he sort of likes to "punish" me by going silent, or withdrawing.

This I just don't get. Maddening. Big issue for me at the moment. It's such simple, personable, connecting, intimate stuff. Why would you not share it with your partner in the first instance?... .even after discussing things haven't really improved for me... .?

[formflier]

I know that if I ask about getting a separate storage unit, he won't like that and it will be a huge undertaking. I don't think he'll let anyone back in there at this point.

Does he give you the same consideration in his decision making? 

Remember... .if he does let people back in there... .and if that leaves you feeling violated... .or upset... .the remedy that solves it... .doesn't involve him. 

Remedies that involve him may not solve it.  Involving him properly gives an opportunity for working on the r/s.

Thoughts?

I also don't really feel guilty for snooping. I used to, but he knows I do it, and he knows why I do it. I wouldn't mind him snooping my stuff, but he just has zero interest, it isn't a matter of right/wrong or ethics. He just knows I don't hide things from him, and he's not very interested me other than superficially. He'd really just like it if I was just a robot with no emotions or feelings, who always said "yes", and who didn't have any needs.

Formflier: I've tried not snooping, and I felt worse. Major things I didn't know, but effected me, he hid from me. The ONE thing that I snoop about is his kids. Because three of the four hate me, lie about me, and have actively tried to ruin our marriage. He left me once, and he'll never convince me it wasn't for THEM. In fact he ended up living with his daughter, and when we were reconciling he stated that he didn't know if he would be happier with ME or HER? How weird is that? So yeah, the only reason I snoop is fear of them, and his lack of boundaries with them(that is improving somewhat), and the fact that the times I've not snooped, I was left in the dark, and it bit me in the butt. Meaning that if I have a heads up(or if he'd shared with me), I could have time to think how best to deal with any assault from them, or BPDh.

As of now, his three girls refuse to be around me, which worked well for them last time. It got him to leave me, and it got him to be totally unhappy with his life. His whole identity is tied up with being a Father.

Do you  have any suggestions of ways I can work on myself so that I don't feel the need to snoop? I really do it to protect myself. He won't/can't protect or stand up for me, and I've taken so much abuse off his kids. He won't tell me things about them or when I might encounter them. I'm sick of living in fear of these mean girls.

[formflier]

I know that if I ask about getting a separate storage unit, he won't like that and it will be a huge undertaking. I don't think he'll let anyone back in there at this point.

Does he give you the same consideration in his decision making? 

Remember... .if he does let people back in there... .and if that leaves you feeling violated... .or upset... .the remedy that solves it... .doesn't involve him. 

Remedies that involve him may not solve it.  Involving him properly gives an opportunity for working on the r/s.

Thoughts?

Which one would you pick right now... .?

I also don't really feel guilty for snooping. I used to, but he knows I do it, and he knows why I do it.

Boundary alert... .!

Here is the thing... .if you don't like the way he tells you things... .or the information you  get... .don't make it easy for him.

There is a void of information or talking... .coordination... whatever.  You fill it... .rather than let him wrestle with it.

Not necessarily wrong... .but then I would urge acceptance of this... .and this is going to be the way it is... .

  He just knows I don't hide things from him

Language matters... .things that are private... .aren't "hidden"... .they are private.  The way you think about things really matters.

He'd really just like it if I was just a robot with no emotions or feelings, who always said "yes", and who didn't have any needs.

He may... .or may not like that.  Luckily... it's not up to him!

Do you  have any suggestions of ways I can work on myself so that I don't feel the need to snoop? I really do it to protect myself. He won't/can't protect or stand up for me, and I've taken so much abuse off his kids. He won't tell me things about them or when I might encounter them. I'm sick of living in fear of these mean girls.

Boy... it's a hard habit to break.  I used to do it... to "protect myself".

Boundaries are much better... much...

It wasn't easy... .I just tried hard to stop.

For instance... today I get on computer... she is logged in... .her gmail is there.

I logged out... .and started over on mine... rather than snooping and searching... .

I've found it works better for me... to avoid it...

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

I am not part of his decision making, and he doesn't ever want my advice. In fact, any of my advice usually offends him and makes him angry. It's weird. I'm always of the opinion that two minds are better than one, and I value his opinion, and often seek it out.

I do in fact feel as if I'm a convenience, or a means to an end, as was suggested. He wants me when he wants me, and the rest of the time he acts like he resents the normal things that come with a relationship. You know, things like talking or working out slight differences. I think he has totally unrealistic expectations and thinks marriage should just be easy, but that's hilarious because his BPD/NPD behaviors make the marriage a roller coaster. Even with my choosing my battles, and learning how to deal with it, there is still not the peace I'd like.

I'd always much rather have a solution that involves him, but that may not be realistic right now. For now, I'm letting it ride. His son still has the keys to our storage unit, and I find that rather upsetting. His son is his one kid I get along with, and I don't want that to change, but I'm still upset that BPDh let his son and a stranger in our storage unit. This is the same kid who left his car keys on the counter at work, and someone stole his car and took it for a joy ride, wrecking it. I like his son for the most part, but I still wouldn't choose to let his or my kids climb around in there without one of us present. BPDh doesn't seem to understand that, but I'm beyond caring if he does or not. I care, therefore he needs to respect that.

[Ceruleanblue]

Oh, and YES, he is seriously enmeshed with his kids. I knew he was close to his kids, but I didn't know how totally enmeshed he was with them until three of the four got mad at me. Even his ex was jealous of these kids, and they were HER kids! He had a horrible relationship with his ex, and so I think he really got super close with his kids. His whole identity is being a DAD. This was why when they turned on me, then him, his whole world came crashing down. His kids have way too much power because he acts as if he's going to have a nervous breakdown without them in his life, up his butt, constantly.

Our MC has helped him see that how they've treated us is really not okay, and that I've done all I can(and some things I shouldn't have had to), just to make peace with these girls. They show so many of the PD traits both their parents have. I have compassion for them, but I also really have zero respect for them, and I just can't stand them anymore. They are mean, and they have shown me no mercy. They take pleasure in hurting me, and they are also being hateful to BPDh.

It's so ironic that his whole life was centered around his grown kids, yet he put me in a position to move away from my son! His latest demand is that MY son get in therapy before he is allowed to live with us. I don't want my son with us, much as I miss him, because BPDh targets him too much. I'd rather visit my son often, and have peaceful times with him, than have him tiptoe around BPDh's dislike of him. Double standard deluxe. 

[married21years]

stick to your guns these are your boundries.

you can be a better parent from a distant.

you are doing the right thing.

remember he is projecting his problems onto other, probably your sun...

stay strong we are here for you