Still having withdrawals from her 'devotion'.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi. It's been a year since she left and eight months since we last had contact. I still feel really empty inside. I've been thinking about it and I feel like I've realized something.

When we were together, she would do anything for me. When I wanted to do something fun, she was always up for it. When I was sad, she was always available to talk. When I was in the mood for intimacy, she would never turn me down. I honestly cannot remember her ever saying 'no' to me. She was my best and only friend.

I got so used to her that it's taking a long time to get used to other women. Other women won't jump at the chance to watch my favorite movie with me. Other women won't always pick up the phone at 4:30 AM when I'm really sad. Other women won't always want to return my romantic advances.

I've been reading a lot of threads and resources since signing up here. I know it was all hollow, a symptom of her personality disorder instead of actual real devotion to me. But it sure felt nice. And it feels bad not having it anymore, and knowing another guy has it now. I've never had to recover from a drug addiction, but I imagine it feels something like this.

Thanks for reading. I know there have been threads like this before but I just felt like releasing some of the pressure in my head tonight, so that I might find some sleep.

[Fox Mulder]

Hi. It's been a year since she left and eight months since we last had contact. I still feel really empty inside. I've been thinking about it and I feel like I've realized something.

When we were together, she would do anything for me. When I wanted to do something fun, she was always up for it. When I was sad, she was always available to talk. When I was in the mood for intimacy, she would never turn me down. I honestly cannot remember her ever saying 'no' to me. She was my best and only friend.

I got so used to her that it's taking a long time to get used to other women. Other women won't jump at the chance to watch my favorite movie with me. Other women won't always pick up the phone at 4:30 AM when I'm really sad. Other women won't always want to return my romantic advances.

I've been reading a lot of threads and resources since signing up here. I know it was all hollow, a symptom of her personality disorder instead of actual real devotion to me. But it sure felt nice. And it feels bad not having it anymore, and knowing another guy has it now. I've never had to recover from a drug addiction, but I imagine it feels something like this.

Thanks for reading. I know there have been threads like this before but I just felt like releasing some of the pressure in my head tonight, so that I might find some sleep.

[Fox Mulder]

Sorry for replying to my own post. I'm just still kind of struggling with this.

[disillusionedandsore]

I can identify so much... .I call this missing his good side... .  in my own case I have to keep the other side of him in mind too.  I remind myself that this is a jekyll and hyde character, and that this would be the permanent 'dance' with him if I was willing to tolerate it. 

[once removed]

hey fox mulder 

keen realization on your part. i think disillusionedandsore is right that we often miss the good things we received from our exes. i think that can apply in any relationship. ive read your back story, and i see you were in a five year relationship. thats tough to recover from. especially when they become our only friend.

can you share a bit more? i see that youre at least familiarizing yourself with other women; are you dating? what are you doing to improve your quality of life? is any of it helping?

"Other women won't jump at the chance to watch my favorite movie with me. Other women won't always pick up the phone at 4:30 AM when I'm really sad. Other women won't always want to return my romantic advances"

some might. doing so is not necessarily a red flag. depends on the level of our connection.

[joshman678]

I've been with my BPDgf for 5.5 years and it's constantly teetering on the brink of being over. Break up, go through pain & suffering from missing "the good part", give in, make up; then repeat. Sounds like you're much further along than me, and I dont have any advice but I wanted to say I completely relate to what you mean. Can someone please just invent that device in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?

[Mutt]

When we were together, she would do anything for me. When I wanted to do something fun, she was always up for it. When I was sad, she was always available to talk. When I was in the mood for intimacy, she would never turn me down. I honestly cannot remember her ever saying 'no' to me. She was my best and only friend.

I got so used to her that it's taking a long time to get used to other women. Other women won't jump at the chance to watch my favorite movie with me. Other women won't always pick up the phone at 4:30 AM when I'm really sad. Other women won't always want to return my romantic advances.

I've been reading a lot of threads and resources since signing up here. I know it was all hollow, a symptom of her personality disorder instead of actual real devotion to me. But it sure felt nice.

Hi Fox,



I can understand how good it feels being put on a pedestal. I can relate. Oh boy did that feel nice  

I'm reading through your post and I don't hear devaluation from your ex partner?

Were there periods where she devalued you?

Realistic Expectations: A person with BPD is emotionally underdeveloped and does not have "adult" emotional skills - especially in times of stress.  If you are in this type of relationship it is important to have realistic expectations for what the relationship can be in terms of consistent respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, and in terms of negotiation and fairness, or expectations of non-threatening behavior.  It is important to accept the relationship behavior for what it is - not hope the person will permanently return to the idealization phase, not accept the external excuses for the bad behavior, and not hope that changing your behavior to heal someone else.

PERSPECTIVES: The do's and don'ts in a BPD relationship

I was with my ex for several years and didn't understand idealization or BPD. I fell in love with the person that had idealized me in the beginning and after she had stopped worshiping me I noticed a shift or change in the relationship   The attention was shifted on her and I held on to the hope for several years for the person that I had met would return.

Are you struggling with idealization?

[purpleavocado]

I am in the same boat. I know that with my ex I mistook intensity for intimacy. But even two years later I can't imagine feeling the same way about anyone else. She's been contacting me again and I'm feeling myself weaken. Thankfully we live far away. I know I don't want her back but it still hurts.

We will get through this and be better off for it.

[Fox Mulder]

hey fox mulder 

keen realization on your part. i think disillusionedandsore is right that we often miss the good things we received from our exes. i think that can apply in any relationship. ive read your back story, and i see you were in a five year relationship. thats tough to recover from. especially when they become our only friend.

can you share a bit more? i see that youre at least familiarizing yourself with other women; are you dating? what are you doing to improve your quality of life? is any of it helping?

"Other women won't jump at the chance to watch my favorite movie with me. Other women won't always pick up the phone at 4:30 AM when I'm really sad. Other women won't always want to return my romantic advances"

some might. doing so is not necessarily a red flag. depends on the level of our connection.

Hi, once removed. I'm not dating right this moment, but I've very casually dated three women in this past year. I feel like I'm looking for that whirlwind romance that I experienced with my ex, and that's just not feasible, not without getting involved with another person with BPD. I guess this means I'm not over her or ready to date, which really sucks, because I am so ready to not care about her anymore. And I hate that she's with this amazing new replacement and probably close to marriage, and I'm over here by myself a year later, unable to move forward.

I'm focusing more on making progress in my life. I'm close to getting my degree and in the very early planning stages of finally moving away from my hometown, which I've had more than enough of. It helps a little bit to be moving forward but I miss her cheerleading.

[Fox Mulder]

Hi Fox,



I can understand how good it feels being put on a pedestal. I can relate. Oh boy did that feel nice  

I'm reading through your post and I don't hear devaluation from your ex partner?

Were there periods where she devalued you?

Realistic Expectations: A person with BPD is emotionally underdeveloped and does not have "adult" emotional skills - especially in times of stress.  If you are in this type of relationship it is important to have realistic expectations for what the relationship can be in terms of consistent respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, and in terms of negotiation and fairness, or expectations of non-threatening behavior.  It is important to accept the relationship behavior for what it is - not hope the person will permanently return to the idealization phase, not accept the external excuses for the bad behavior, and not hope that changing your behavior to heal someone else.

PERSPECTIVES: The do's and don'ts in a BPD relationship

I was with my ex for several years and didn't understand idealization or BPD. I fell in love with the person that had idealized me in the beginning and after she had stopped worshiping me I noticed a shift or change in the relationship   The attention was shifted on her and I held on to the hope for several years for the person that I had met would return.

Are you struggling with idealization?

Hi Mutt, thank you for the welcome. You put in some serious work on this site.

My ex didn't devalue me as much as it seems others do. However, she did have an extreme lack of trust. From square one she was sure I was going to cheat on her someday. About halfway through the relationship, she discovered that I was still in contact with my previous ex, which magnified her mistrust of me a hundred-fold. It was definitely wrong of me to talk to my ex in secret. I did my best to regain her trust but it never came back. So I guess the mistrust could have been a form of devaluation, but I always felt as though I deserved it and it had a logical explanation, so I never interpreted it as devaluation. The idealization was definitely more infrequent later on in the relationship, but it was still a daily thing, even up to the morning of the day she left me.

I do struggle with idealization. It was a major confidence boost. She would have done anything for me and I would have done anything for her. It was so addicting. My mind is a whirlwind of regret and jealousy all day, thinking about her and the replacement. I feel like I need that idealization back even though it's not reflective at all of a good relationship. I feel duped and deceived, not just by her but by life in general. How unfair it is that such a thing is possible. I thought I had found the love of my life but in reality I was just composing poetry and buying flowers for a mental disorder.

[Mutt]

Hey Fox,

Thanks 

Is she DX'ed BPD? Was there push / pull behavior; come close, go away or other traits?

[Fox Mulder]

Hey Fox,

Thanks 

Is she DX'ed BPD? Was there push / pull behavior; come close, go away or other traits?

She was diagnosed by her therapist, yes. However, sometimes I wonder if she was misdiagnosed. She certainly shows some elements of BPD behavior, like how she's painted me completely black and is idolizing my replacement. However, she never really pushed me away. No matter how much attention I gave her - and I gave her tons of it - she was always up for more of it. I was always the one who had to disengage from her to go and go do my own thing. We also never broke up, so no recycling.

[Mutt]

It's possible it could be a misdiagnosis. We're not professionals and can't diagnose. We can look at behaviors and traits. My ex partner is not diagnosed and she displays traits of BPD and who knows there could be another PD and co-morbidity. It's speculation.

What I'm reading so far in your thread is idealization and clingy behavior. I understand she split you black. I had an ex partner that did something similar she was the type that would have an exit relationship and rebound and I never heard from her again.

She didn't say hateful things, she triangulated and would stop communicating. Perhaps it was guilt, she had a history of treating her boyfriends as such and she did display some BPD behaviors. I couldn't put my finger on it. BPD is a spectrum disorder and everyone's different.

I think it helps to recognize bad behaviors and protect ourselves.

[once removed]

hey fox mulder,

i didnt experience a lot of push either, except toward the very, very end, nor did i experience any recycles. i think these relationships can play out in a lot of ways; pwBPD shouldnt be pigeonholed any more than nons should. we are all human beings. ive seen similar stories, and i dont think youre alone there. you mention your ex is diagnosed so do with it what you will; it goes only so far either way.

my dating opportunities after my relationship didnt go well either. thats okay, its part of the dating world. 

"I'm focusing more on making progress in my life. I'm close to getting my degree and in the very early planning stages of finally moving away from my hometown, which I've had more than enough of. It helps a little bit to be moving forward but I miss her cheerleading."

i think this is wise. know your limits, especially when it comes to dating, because dating has consequences. youre making major progress in your life. why interrupt that (an open ended question)? an accomplished life is an attractive one. give yourself time to heal, and space to progress. i understand missing her cheerleading. are you cheerleading yourself? give yourself some credit, these are major accomplishments. i think the more you do that, the less need you will have for external (another persons) validation. your own validation always matters more. but if youre looking for cheerleaders, you have this forum, and we are more than willing to congratulate you in your accomplishments

"And I hate that she's with this amazing new replacement and probably close to marriage, and I'm over here by myself a year later, unable to move forward."

but you are moving forward! it just may not be so easy to see. i probably dont need to tell you what a fraught path it can be to compare ourselves or our path with others. landing another relationship is not necessarily a sign of success, or it certainly wasnt in my case.

[Kelli Cornett]

Hi Fox,



I can understand how good it feels being put on a pedestal. I can relate. Oh boy did that feel nice  

I'm reading through your post and I don't hear devaluation from your ex partner?

Were there periods where she devalued you?

Realistic Expectations: A person with BPD is emotionally underdeveloped and does not have "adult" emotional skills - especially in times of stress.  If you are in this type of relationship it is important to have realistic expectations for what the relationship can be in terms of consistent respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, and in terms of negotiation and fairness, or expectations of non-threatening behavior.  It is important to accept the relationship behavior for what it is - not hope the person will permanently return to the idealization phase, not accept the external excuses for the bad behavior, and not hope that changing your behavior to heal someone else.

PERSPECTIVES: The do's and don'ts in a BPD relationship

I was with my ex for several years and didn't understand idealization or BPD. I fell in love with the person that had idealized me in the beginning and after she had stopped worshiping me I noticed a shift or change in the relationship   The attention was shifted on her and I held on to the hope for several years for the person that I had met would return.

Are you struggling with idealization?

Hi Mutt, thank you for the welcome. You put in some serious work on this site.

My ex didn't devalue me as much as it seems others do. However, she did have an extreme lack of trust. From square one she was sure I was going to cheat on her someday. About halfway through the relationship, she discovered that I was still in contact with my previous ex, which magnified her mistrust of me a hundred-fold. It was definitely wrong of me to talk to my ex in secret. I did my best to regain her trust but it never came back. So I guess the mistrust could have been a form of devaluation, but I always felt as though I deserved it and it had a logical explanation, so I never interpreted it as devaluation. The idealization was definitely more infrequent later on in the relationship, but it was still a daily thing, even up to the morning of the day she left me.

I do struggle with idealization. It was a major confidence boost. She would have done anything for me and I would have done anything for her. It was so addicting. My mind is a whirlwind of regret and jealousy all day, thinking about her and the replacement. I feel like I need that idealization back even though it's not reflective at all of a good relationship. I feel duped and deceived, not just by her but by life in general. How unfair it is that such a thing is possible. I thought I had found the love of my life but in reality I was just composing poetry and buying flowers for a mental disorder.

You probably shouldn't of emotionally cheated on her with you ex. I mean she is already crazy that probably sent her though the roof. I'm not surprised. If my ex ever saw me doing that he would probably burn my house down.

[Aussie0zborn]

And I hate that she's with this amazing new replacement and probably close to marriage, and I'm over here by myself a year later, unable to move forward.

You sound like me the first time I left her. I went back for more punishment - biggest mistake of my life. Don't worry, this "amazing replacement" will be joining us soon. He just hasn't found us yet.

And what makes him "amazing"? I would suggest it's her idealization of him. Just like she idealized you and the guy before you. I would further suggest you were presented as being pretty "amazing" too at one time.

Do some serious reading here and get over this hurdle. It is really holding you back from a better life. Just remember that none of the idealization is real. And by the way... .healthy  people don't take too kindly to 4.30am phone calls because they just don't understand the need for it. You'll understand this better when you have fully healed. Good luck.