Feeling bad after MC

[Ceruleanblue]

On the whole, I've thought MC has helped, and I really like our therapist. Last night though, I felt as if he's placing a LOT of the fault at my door when BPDh gets defensive and angry. The session before, and one other session, BPDh got heated, and I told BPDh that I don't like the way he talks to me. The T calmed the situation. I was calm though.

I'm not even sure what T meant exactly last night, but the gist I got was that my reaction wasn't okay either. I must have said something defending myself because the T said "I've seen it", in reference to my reaction. I may have been indignant over something BPDh said, but I'm sure I didn't raise my voice or get that "angry voice" that BPDh uses. I'm sort of stumped by what T meant, and I thought I was doing the right thing by finally standing up for myself. I'd been such a doormat for BPDh. I'm setting boundaries now.

I pick my battles with BPDh, and validate, try not to JADE, but I am baffled as to exactly what T meant. I thought therapy was a safe place for me to tell the truth to BPDh, and I thought I did so in a respectful, calm way. T was saying that he and his wife have had face to face arguments, and I told him I'd be afraid to do that with BPDh.

Why does this feel as if even in MC the onus is on ME and how "I" react, even though it was BPDh who got angry? I already feel so much of all this is on my shoulders due to his BPD/rage. Why is the T focusing on me and not BPDh? BPDh says very little in the sessions, even when I prod him, and he half sleeps through it, he is zoned out, and even T has noticed.

This session left me feeling as if T is splitting the blame evenly down the middle, and while I get it takes two, I'm not the one with the anger issue, and impulsive behaviors. I'm willing to work on me, but why was BPDh left out of this discussion? It felt like T spent last night talking to me, and BPDh got to skate. I don't think his anger has been addressed much in our MC, could that be because T knows he's in DBT?

And I feel it's sort of unfair to base his judgement of how husband and I interact based on T(although BPDh's anger did show, just on a milder scale), because in T I felt safe, and felt it was okay to tell BPDh that I didn't like how he talks sarcastically to me, and I don't like his tone.

Is this typical of MC? It's been good until now, and I thought it had been pretty balanced until now. Do I ask T what exactly he meant when we next see him? It's bothering me because I didn't quite know what reaction of mine he meant(and I'm pretty sure my reaction was what many of us on here would have), and I'm really unsure as to how T meant I should react.

Thoughts?

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[Notwendy]

We started MC after I had had enough of my H's rages. He must have known that I had had enough because he had previously refused MC and this time, he agreed.

I have told the MC that the main reason I have any hope for things to get better is because he agreed to this. Otherwise, I think I would have felt lost because nothing I tried had worked and I was out of ideas.

Imagine my shock and anger when the MC made the focus of the sessions- and many sessions- on me. I got the "label" - codependency, and the plan for treatment- go to 12 step groups, get a sponsor. To me, he got to sit there scott free and even get the satisfaction that I was the one with the problem. This was not a 50-50 deal between us. This was all on me. I was mad mad mad.

I just recently thanked the MC for this. She knew what she was doing. Any focus on my H would have resulted in him walking out the door and not coming back. By focusing on me, she has actually worked on him too. However she saw that what was in front of her was a person who denied, projected and had little motivation to change and another person who was just done with things the way they were and wanted to change. It was obvious who would do what she said and who would not.

Systems theory states that in any family or relationship there is balance, emotionally. While we can not change another person, a change in one person in a system changes the balance. First, it causes discomfort as people are used to being in the situation they are in. The tendency is for the system to go back, but over time, everyone has to change when the balance changes. The pwBPD has to adjust, or leave. This is the risk of change, and it triggers our abandonment fears and theirs.

One of the changes I had to make was how I reacted to people in general and to my H. This may be what your MC is considering.

I don't know about your MC, but it may be that he/she knows what they are doing. Time will tell.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, clearly before BPDh and I separated, I was exhibiting codepentent traits, but even back then I was fighting it. I didn't think I could fix him, but like you I was trying all sorts of different things trying to see if how I reacted could make a difference. Often though, that meant walking away or always being the calm one in the storm. That got old, and when he was gone I realized that even that was sort of co dependent because I wasn't truly standing up for myself as much as I could. It's a hard balance to find.

I get that our therapist probably realizes that I'm way more willing to work on myself, and enact change, but it sure does feel unfair. I'm hoping it's as you suggest, and it isn't truly a case of he thinks I'm equally to blame. It's not just my marriage, but I see it in other marriages as well, it's never truly 50/50, things shift, and it just seems like usually one person tries harder, or sacrifices more for the sake of the relationship. For the good of the relationship. It's finding a balance between honoring and protecting yourself though too.

I long since realized that all I can work on or change is me, but I was sort of hoping that it wouldn't be ALL on me even in MC. The only time the therapist has truly worked on BPDh was in regards to this whole mess with his adult kids, and that was the focus our MC for weeks. I came to feel that we got into MC just to deal with that issue(husband setting boundaries, basically), and our marriage was only about his kids and not US. I'm glad we've moved on past that, but I was also hoping that some of MC would focus on BPDh being less defensive and angry... .

Maybe it is because I'm more open to change, and BPDh's rage is likely being addressed in DBT.