Did your pwBPD ever warn you about him/herself?

[Depression = 72% of members]

On our 2nd date, after our first kissing session, she said "I hope I don't push you away".

I couldn't grasp what she was saying until after the r/s ended 3yr later.


Has anyone experienced this kind of direct "warning" from your BPD-SO?  If so, why would s/he say this if they know it leads to bad endings?

[search4peace]

On our 2nd date, after our first kissing session, she said "I hope I don't push you away".

I couldn't grasp what she was saying until after the r/s ended 3yr later.


Has anyone experienced this kind of direct "warning" from your BPD-SO?  If so, why would s/he say this if they know it leads to bad endings?

[Allmessedup]

Mine said she believed she had a black soul... .

[Bassoutcast]

Our r/s was rathet short (4 months) but I did hear:

-Often, I don't even know who I am

-I am a mentally ill person and they (family) should treat me like one

-The depression is always present, it's like static noises on the radio

-You're going to hell, and I'll meet you there. I'll be sitting on the throne of Satan.

Other red flags were present but I chose to ignore.

[misty_red]

Classical:

"If you still have the chance to run do it. In the end I will destroy you." This was not meant in a threatening way. She cried and said this. That she didn't want to destroy me.

After our break-up she said (I guess this was when I wasn't painted the blackest of black and she still had some positive feelings for me) "I hope one day you can hate me for all I've done to you."

[Arcturus81]

I would make plans a few months ahead for vacation and my ex would say "If we are still together that would be great". It's amazing what we will ignore while still in the fog.

[klacey3]

For about 6 monts I would say (3-9 months into the relationship) a couple of nights a week he would look into my eyes and tell me how lucky he was to have me and he would regret losing me. The fact he would say it so much out of nowhere showed his fear of abandonment but stupid me ignored it 

He also told me before that he has been dumped by all of his exs and people usually get bored of him after a few months. He warned me it was only a matter of time before I get bored of him. He said he KNEW that it would happen.

In the dating period he told me I probably wouldn't enjoy being his girlfriend as I would probably feel strangled (not sure what he meant by this)

[gomez_addams]

Somewhere around the fourth month of marriage, she mentioned things like "if I were you, I would have left me already"... .

Now at the 2.5 year mark were hammering out the divorce settlement.

Gomez

[zundertowz]

Mine did the exact opposite... .she sold herself on me as a single mother who was carefree, drama free and just wanted to settle down and enjoy life... .what i got was the exact opposite which bleed out over time... .she had zero sense of self.

[going places]

On our 2nd date, after our first kissing session, she said "I hope I don't push you away".

I couldn't grasp what she was saying until after the r/s ended 3yr later.


Has anyone experienced this kind of direct "warning" from your BPD-SO?  If so, why would s/he say this if they know it leads to bad endings?

His Grandfather had an affair,(after 30 years of marriage) grandmother died of a broken heart, and before she was cold, grandfather married his mistress.

His Father had an affair (after 25 years of marriage), divorced his mother, left her w/ no job skills, no home, nada. Married his mistress (10 years younger than himself)

My ex had at least 1 affair, but I suspect many, divorced me after 25 years of marriage... .however my ending will not be like the other 'women' in this family!

His Grandfather, Father and Brother (and now I can see, him too) were brutally selfish, so puffed up with pride and arrogance, and verbally abusive. All 4 have deep seated anger issues.

His father, mother, brother all thought porn (hard core) was ok. I found out the hard way, my ex did too.

The ex rolled his eyes at me, dismissed my thoughts and opinions as stupid, and administered the silent treatment every time he didn't get his way... .it only grew worse and more intense as the years went on.

So it really wasn't what he SAID... .

I was so young, and didn't see the signs in him and his family.

I just thought they were 'messed up' and I could 'love' him enough that he would not follow in their footsteps.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

My Prayers is that this generational curse STOPS w/ my son, because my exBIL's boy is just like the rest of the men in the family... .

[misuniadziubek]

He told me that he was pretty convinced he had a personality disorder.

He gave me a printout of three different ones. Histrionic, Borderline, and Narcissistic.

I was like... nah... I'm in LOVE WITH YOU.

There's nothing wrong with you.

True story.

4 months later I had a moment of enlightenment.

[mywifecrazy]

-You're going to hell, and I'll meet you there. I'll be sitting on the throne of Satan.

   

Holy Crap! That's the Red Flag of all Red Flags. Joseph Stalin Worthy!

 

The stuff we ALL overlooked!

MWC... .

[Madison66]

Mine said early on (maybe first month or two) that she would run away from me, but I should chase after her and she would always come back. I didn't really understNd what that meant and just said "ok".  That was the beginning of exhausting push/pull. I would never take that kind of statement with a simple "ok", but rather would ask what that means. Hard lesson learned!

[janey62]

Yes!  Mine kept saying he would always let me down and I ignored his warning! 

[Fr4nz]

On our 2nd date, after our first kissing session, she said "I hope I don't push you away".

I couldn't grasp what she was saying until after the r/s ended 3yr later.


Has anyone experienced this kind of direct "warning" from your BPD-SO?  If so, why would s/he say this if they know it leads to bad endings?

Yes, same thing here!

So, in general we could say that they realize something is wrong with them, since their lives is always full of drama and/or dramatic events; indeed, from this stems their typical thoughts based on shame, bad self-esteem, etc.

However, they usually have not enough self-awareness to understand that the dynamics behind their behaviours are quite wrong - even if many of them are very clever! And, even if they have enough self-awareness, they lack the strenght to accept they need some sort of therapy.

In the end, all of this leads to a generalized incapacity in stopping the never-ending BPD cycle.

[WhatJustHappened?]

WOW, looking back on it... .definitely. She kept trying to self-destruct the relationship whether intentionally or unintentionally. She did try to "mirror" my desire for a calm, drama-free relationship but that BS.

The only time she came close to telling me anything truthful was when I mentioned that she has a lot of "odd" things and drama that happen in her life. She told me very quietly, "welcome to my world".

Like others, I blew off the red flags which there where many. mazing what you are willing to over-look for the possibility of love and companionship.

[4Years5Months]

To answer the question, yes.  Almost immediately.

But it was something I didn't grasp not only because of the intense infatuation she gave me, but because I was her first boyfriend.  She was 20.  I was 27 and had been in numerous relationships.  She told me early on that she couldn't believe someone actually liked her.  A common phrase she used was "I am so glad this is happening."  I found that kind of odd, but again, she acted as if the sun shined out of my rear end, so I rolled with it.

About a month in, she told me I would eventually figure out she was crazy and not want to be with her anymore - meaning neurotic and Debbie Downer, not legit crazy.  Again, because I was her first, I took it as nervous inexperience and self doubt about being in a relationship for the first time.  She told me she constantly worried about almost everything, hated her body, hated where she lived (with her mom) and just wanted to move away and it would all be better.  I was the very definition of a rescuer, because she wanted to move in with me immediately, and we did, four months after we started dating (we were approved for the apartment after 2 but had to wait).

I look back on it now and realize it was the BPD, even during the infatuation phase.  Her push away projection was always that she wanted things to change for herself, and I wouldn't/couldn't go with her, so we had to break up.  Funny, she would then replace me with someone even MORE stuck here in our current city than I am.  It was never about her "reasons."  It was a projection because of engulfment.

[UserName69]

- After two months she told me I want to tell you something but promise me you won't get mad or laugh? I told her no just say what you want. She told me that she loves me. Couple weeks later she became very sweet and I told her I love her too she told me don't say that because you're going to get hurt.

- She told me when she's upset she's going to cut herself.

- She told me that she kept all items which reminds her to her previous relationships.

- Once when be had a fight she told me that she didn't cheat, while I didn't even asked about it.

- Once she told me that she doesn't know who she is and that she's upset and she doesn't know why, she told me that she doesn't recognize herself.

- She told me that she dumped her exBF just for me. She also told me that she couldn't shut up about me, she drove him crazy by talking the entire day about me. She also showed him my facebook pics and updates.

- She told all her friends about me after our second date, she even wanted me to meet them and go with her to the bar were she hangs around.

- Later when all the craziness started I told her that she's acting weird then she always replied with I don't want to talk about it. In the last SMS I send her I told her that I know she's a pwBPD. I guess she's very upset now.

I already moved on, I met an another girl and I'm so happy that my exBPD is completely out of my life.

[JRT]

Sort of: mine told me that she 'sucks at relationships'.

[Pretty Woman]

Yeah I was told ALL of this within a week of dating her. I mean, not just one 


I also put myself in this timeline below. But yeah she told me about ALL her exes. In fact, she really wasn't much of an interesting person. All she talked about was exes.

-Got pregnant with older man's baby at 22

-Dates first actual girlfriend #1

-Hangs out with bad crowd ends up with girlfriend #2 leaving girlfriend #1

-Meets girlfriend #3 in a crafting group

-Leaves girlfriend #3 for girlfriend #1

-Leaves girlfriend #1 for girlfriend #4 for who she meets online.

-My ex leaves girlfriend #4 for girlfriend #1.

-Girlfriend #1 and ex move to California.

-Girlfriend #1 and ex break up and girlfriend #1 moves to Michigan, My ex moves in with Girlfriend #4.

-Girlfriend #4 dumps ex because she cheated on her.

-Ex buys a condo and moves in with Girlfriend #5.

-Ex moves back with Girlfriend #4.

-Ex sleeps with Girlfriend #1.

-Girlfriend #4 breaks up with Ex and enters into a 10yr partnership.

-Ex goes on online and meets Cari. They last a week. Ex moves to Texas.

-Ex starts dating Girlfriend #6-After a year, Girlfriend #6 dumps ex.

-Ex starts dating Girlfriend #7 -Ex dates Girlfriend #7 for a year... .fraught with conflict (shocking).

-Ex dumps Girlfriend #7 and meets Girlfriend #8.

-Ex moves back to Tennesee and meets me.

-Ex tells me her ex #8 was a "stalker"

-Ex is talking to #8 one month into our relationship.

-#8 finds girlfriend and moves to New York. Ex starts talking to #4 whose relationship is done.

-Ex rages at me over something really stupid. Scares me. I tell her I don't think we should be together. Ex cries and begs me to stay with her so I recant.

-Ex leaves me for a week because I am unsure of being in this relationship. Blocks my phone number so I can't call her. We cannot communicate at all. She won't even listen to me, Week of Halloween. Comes back to me a week later.

-A day before my friend's party ex picks fight with me. Keeps me on phone for two hours day of party crying and angry at me. I arrive to my friend's house late. This is December. Ex returns two days before Christmas.

-Ex and I go away for NY. On NYD ex dumps me. Ex returns in April.

-Ex's ex #4 comes to town to visit in early July. I meet her. 

-I want to reschedule dinner plans for another day with my ex because something bad happened at work. Ex tells me "this is ridiculous. we are over".   

-Ex ends up making plans to see her Ex#4. Goes from wanting to be friends with me to threatening a restraining order. Tells me she wants no relationship with me, friend or romantic and to not contact her or she will call the police.

-Ex says #4 is her new girlfriend. Returns two months later calling me 50+ times on the way back. I stupidly take her back.

-Due to lack of trust I start seeing ex less and planning more activities with friends. Ex mentions a mutual friend of ours she thinks likes her and would be interested if we were not together. Red flags!. I think my ex needs more friends so I am happy they are hanging out (dumb me).

-Ex#4  starts a new relationship with a woman. Talks to my ex less now that she has been burned... .years later.

-Ex dumps me for new girlfriend # 9 and ceases all communication with me.


Moral of story: Do not get involved with someone who has more problems than you do.

[dobie]

Yes she told me on our first date she should have left her bf a year before I was to hear the same thing when she dumped me

She also told me she never had any intention of staying with him long term and just wanted someone safe and nice and that she did not fancy him after two weeks into a three year r/s

She also sent me the song in the first few weeks/months "babe in gonna leave you " it was one of her faves .

[Mr Hollande]

Mine once said "tread carefully Hollande, I can be very cruel.". It was still early days but I should have listened to her.

[search4peace]

Mine also said: "If you want to be with me, you'd better fasten your seat belt."  (2yr into the r/s)

WOW, its like that KNOW they are intrinsically damaged/dysfunctional and yet to them its perfectly OK to reveal it and act/think like the r/s can work somehow.  

I want to understand, but I know I never will

[WhereToBegin]

I heard it all, for years, and I didn't listen:

o   “I told you I was a bad person.  I told you I would hurt you.”

o   “I am a liar and a bad person.”

o   “Get as far away as possible.”

o   “Forget I ever existed.”

o   “You should run away and never look back.”

o   “I have always been a liar.  I don’t know any other way.”

o   “You deserve better.”

o   “The best thing for you to do is to forget that I ever existed.”

Reading this forum ... .it is just unreal how similar the behavior presents.

[nickoftime]

Yes my BPDex always described himself as "evil" and prided himself on that.  Really?   Major red flag and yes that's why I walked away two months into it after he started lying and being emotionally abusive (I knew it would just be a matter of time).  So I'm sure he was laughing and enjoying giving me the silent treatment after the BU.  But I'm the one laughing now because the heartbreak is over for me and I would never be with anyone who doesn't have my core values.  I'm now happy again and would never welcome his negativity or evilness into my life again.    

[greenmonkey]

Mine said after our first breakup when I kicked her out

"the only certainty in her life was the men in white coats would take her away"

, followed by

* On meeting the first night - I want you to love me

* I will test you

* You are wasting your time with me - you could do so much better

* You have seen me through rose tinted spectacles this is me (after the mask had dropped)

* When I was ill - am I a beneficiary in your will - that was the real eye opener -

Shortly after the last statement she was evicted, as I saw her intentions and method of thinking - 200 days No Contact now and I am so aware - Red Flags show and I am gone

[cj488]

My exBPDgf once mumbled under her breath, early in the relationship: "My boyfriends all leave me... ."

But it didn't register - she had to be joking, as she was the most charming, lovable, sweetest, most strikingly beautiful woman I had ever seen, let alone known and loved. Later, once we were deeply involved and I started realizing there were serious issues, she added:

"I've never been alone, never been outside a relationship for more than a week or so, since I was thirteen."

"I've done a lot of study into BDSM as a healing modality." (Bondage, Domination, Sado-masochism)

"I used to be a stripper too."

[llor]

She told me she was diagnosed with BPD a year prior we met. Back then I did'nt knew what it was so I asked her If it can make her dangerous "like psychopath". She said no and that was good enough for me. Damn if only I knew what I was getting into 

[Pretty Woman]

Mine was brutally honest about what people said about her.

When she ran off to be with her ex (from me) her ex was still partnered. She told me when she showed up on the doorstep the partner (who left for good after that weekend) said: "Are you kidding me? You are getting back with that lying, cheating, thief"?

Also, she told me the same ex's aunt told her "My niece can do much better than you".

She would tell me all this stuff and I would sympathize thinking these people were jerks. She was actually giving me clues what an ahole she really is!

You need to really listen to what they say, esp in the beginning. It actually tends to be honest!

[Low C]

I remind myself fairly often that we live in a culture where a lot of people seem to be interested in singers like Taylor Swift, Fiona Apple, etc.  I know there was a whole slew of pop songs last year with an "I love you but I hate you" theme to the lyrics (my BPD ex loved 'em, posted sound clips of herself singing along to "Black Widow Baby" or whatever on her FB page).  From this vantage point a lot of those songs seem like BPD manifestoes, but the truth is, they have a pretty general popular appeal.  I think in general there is a lot of shaming of women in particular for being emotional or irrational, and as a defensive mechanism a lot of people I know, decide to "own" a certain amount of craziness.  So when my ex gave a few hints and warnings early on, it was easy to ignore, because it seemed to me that other people I know could have said many of the same things ("I'm unloveable" or "In a fight I'll say anything to feel more powerful and in control", etc.).  The degree to which my ex felt these things was extreme, disordered, but the feelings she expressed weren't really all that outlandish.

I certainly was ignorant.  I certainly did see my ex with slightly rose-tinted glasses.  I certainly did ignore some red flags.  But, at the same time, I don't necessarily kick myself for being a trusting person, and one of these reasons I like and need this board is that it lifts my spirits to know there are others out there, surviving the same way.

[workinprogress]

She told me very early on the following things:

"I'm a nightmare."

"I lie, cheat, and steal."

"Sometimes I feel empty inside."

"I cheated on my boyfriend because he went out with his friends to watch a game."  This was perhaps the only serious boyfriend I heard her talk about. I think that was a veiled warning to me in a way, as in, "if you do this I will cheat on you, too."

She also told me endless stories about herself and all of her former boyfriends.

For the life of me I can't figure out why I stayed.