Having a major wobble

[janey62]

My ex of 5 months with no contact except the occasional text/email (in spite of my having blocked him) sent me a message the other day which said that he hoped I had found happiness and that without me his life is sad, lonely and empty and that he misses and loves me.

It hit me in a moment when I was wondering for the thousandth time whether I could actually ever be happy again, or whether I'd done the right thing in leaving him.  I usually go in a cycle of self doubt and then rationally think it through, but this process was interrupted by his message.

I've been dating someone new and was feeling a bit low about that too because the new guy told me he was going to visit his ex!  So alarm bells there 

Anyway,  in the night last night I woke and couldn't sleep and ended up replying to his message.  I told him that I missed him too and hoped he was ok.  I said that I wished I'd stayed longer and continued to support him while he tried to get help.  I said a whole lot of other things too and sent it.  He hasn't replied.

I've been reading about BPD and how it affects the lives of those who have it and their loved ones today and it's reminded me of why I'm not with him. 

Last night though I was convinced that we could work things out.  I cried and cried and felt so lost.  I keep going over how well suited we were, how much love and laughter there was and how he understood me and loved me and made me feel wonderful.  I keep forgetting the abusive texts and drunken suicide threats, the constant abandonment, the sudden mood changes, the avoidance of any kind of social event that involved any of my people, the days of fear and loneliness... .  In spite of all of these very real memories I still miss him every day.

When will this stop?  When will I not feel as if I'd lost the other half of me?   :'(

[Allmessedup]

  Janey!

Sounds like you need one right now! 

It is so easy to forget the bad and then we stay focused on the good!   I am a few weeks out this time around... .Recycled for a year after a 4 mo b/u.

When we broke up last year I was much in the same spot as you.  Decided that if I did xyz I could have been more supportive and this wouldn't be happening.  I ruminated like crazy.  I read oodles of books and the lessons here about how to best support someone with BPD.  All while trying to work on me... .my issues, my codependency stuff, my foo sh*t

We got back together like I suspected we would.   And I really had made a lot of progress on myself.  And let me tell you I WORKED the lessons.  I validated, I set boundaries, I tried really hard not to JADE.  I did my own thing... .reigned in my caretaking tendencies.

I tried.  Really really hard.

But in the end I am right back here.

And now that is ok. 

I was really stuck in the belief that if I changed this wouldn't be happening .  That love was enough.

But that isn't true.  Or at least it wasn't for me.

I am just 3 weeks out, but I am much farther along than I was at four months the last time around.

So when will it stop? No one has the answer for that it's all so individual.   But recognizing that you can't fix it goes a long way.

I still have bad days.  I still think of her often.  I an still sad.  I love her very much.

But I function now, and I can also see I am more at peace than I have been in a very very long time.

On my bad days I reread the ten beliefs that keep us stuck.  I can see where I am pretty easily and that helps to untwist my thinking.

It's cliche but time does help. 

It sounds like your ex messaged you when you were already feeling vulnerable because the new guy was going to visit his ex... .



A wise member told me a long time ago that feelings aren't facts. 


Seperating to feelings from facts helps too.

I know that message hurt... .as did the subsequent lack of response to you pouring out your feelings.   

But Janey, is that what you want?  The very one sided relationship that comes with loving someone with BPD?  Does that get your needs met?

And hard question here but if you don't feel whole without him then how could you feel whole with him or anyone else?  But that's more of a PI. Board kind of question.


I am sorry you are going thru this right now. It is so incredibly painful.  Keep posting... .it does help!

Amu