Hi Issy,
You're right, thanks waverider.
So here is my improved response:
"(Hi, I wanted to message you sooner, but I wanted to make sure I don't invalidate you again.)
I saw that you were hurt this Thursday. I got so emotional I couldn't tell you I know how that feels, I can also be sad and angry when I feel I am not good enough.
These series of judgements has hurt me intensly. That is definitely something I do not want, I can't handle that. And I saw that it made you feel bad too, I do not want that either. So that's not working indeed. I still think it's important to express your feelings and the things that upset you.
Maybe it's an idea that we check in with each other the moment something is upsetting to make sure we understand what the other said? So our feelings don't get piled up. My intentions are good. I really like being with you."
Building sentences without "I" is very hard initially. Often it helps to do it with "I" and the reformulate it. Like
"(Hi, I wanted to message you sooner, but I wanted to make sure I don't invalidate you again.)
I saw that you were hurt this Thursday. I got so emotional I couldn't tell you I know how that feels, I can also be sad and angry when I feel I am not good enough. could become:
You were badly hurt this Thursday. Waited with sending you a message to give you space to get better a little. When one feels one is not good enough that can hurt badly - been there myself in the past and still get upset when I see it happening to others.Now the rest of the message may be better done f2f. You want a change. That is more in the direction of SET and DEARMAN and frankly JaDE - definitely a lot of explaining there. The problem I sense is that you want to tell her a lot. That you want to set the facts straight. Validation is not SET but a part of SET. Validation is focused on her emotions and perception and helping her to make sense of her inner world. If you choose to validate then this is about her and your views take the backseat. Validation is about helping her to be anchored in this world and not another.
Overall, less words and avoid anything close to JADEing may get the message across better.
My friend fears I am critical about her because I have been critical about other friends towards her.
How to validate a wrong perception of me?
It may well be that you are more an analytical and logical person who values facts. You tend to Explain a lot and that is part of jadE. Also you tend to form judgments of things you observe and share them which is part of Jade. When hurt you rely on your analytical skills and argue and defend yourself which is also part of jADe. All this makes you prone to invalidate your friend. And explaining it won't make it better. It is a fact of life that we all hurt people around us all the time to a degree and all we can do is minimize our negative impact and optimize our positive impact. Which you started out doing
So how to validate the "good girl". A first step would be understand the root problem.
My friend fears I am critical about her because I have been critical about other friends towards her. With this basis she calls me stuff I don't recognise myself in. I had to say that. She then felt very negative about everything (she thought I was). I was shaking during these awfull accusations. And then she told me I was acting like I'm sensitive but I'm not and it's not fair... .
There is
anxiety and fear to be judged which results in a tendency to leash out at others when it happens. Probably also a bit of
shame and feeling being not good enough. Often this happens when people have a weak sense of self and not really good boundaries. They are overly sensitive. And again since she is afraid to be judged for being too sensitive she lashes out and projects it on others.
In the beginning of our friendship, when I didn't know she had BPD, she judged and blamed me for being a 'good girl'. I responded I don't believe in such things, I am who I am without choosing to be bad or good. Well that excalated a bit then. How would I respond now? I don't know! Like: 'I understand it makes you feel you are the bad girl... .' ohno that's not good right? I don't think she is a bad girl or me a good girl! I still don't have the hang of this! What do you think how best to respond to this one?
O.k. here we got black and white thinking on her side. Which makes you uncomfortable i.e. you are invalidated since deep down you know you are not a perfect good girl. Btw. the fact that this makes you uncomfortable is again a sign of strong judgement strengthening your "inner critic" that undermines your self esteem.
Now do you have to set the "good girl" view straight. No, not at all. She uses "good girl" to express how bad she feels about herself. Telling her your sins won't make her feel better. Arguing the facts is a loosing proposition and will only invalidate her. She needs to understand that you heard her:
Yeah right, I'm good girl and that makes you bad girl <big break><big break> - Note: B&W message to ensure it is understood. This is likely not your view at all but signals your understanding.
What's so bad about you?<break> - Note: No "Why" but an exploring "What"
blah blah
Ahhh, hmmm, you think so?<break> - Note: Listening noises can be helpful too signaling attention and some understanding. Also note: No own judgment but asking for her view
blah blah
I understand. I did not catch aspect X<break>
blah blah
Yeah, this is pretty bad. Must be tough to deal with a past like that <break>
blah blah
Yeah, and today anything learned from that?
blah blah
Learning if important. So is forgiving yourself. The latter is not easy. Struggle with it myself. <break>
blah, blahThe main point of this dialog is to show how to explore, perceive rather than judge. Understanding the other person and making sure in the process for the other person to feel understood it key to validation.
Reducing JADE will not be easy for you but worthwhile. Try not to think of a pink elephant! Try hard to not picture a pink elephant! You are likely to fail. Negative goals are hard to pursue so here are positive ones:
- work on validation. A good validation practice is to greet new members on the board
.
- Reduce your reliance on facts as the main basis for understanding. Emotions are much more important than you give them credit for. And since you appreciate facts: Work on your understanding of emotions and consider their weight in steering behavior and decision making. Educate yourself about the underlying facts. E.g. look at emotions and advertising or decision making.
- Focus more on exploring and perceiving and tune down judgment of others. This makes you not only less likely to JADE but also will weaken your inner critic and improve your self esteem.
- Accept that you will JADE at times and that is ok too. Forgive others and yourself.
And then she told me I was acting like I'm sensitive but I'm not and it's not fair... .
Well you were getting defensive so you are not totally insensitive. PwBPD are on the other hand experts to get under our skin. Fact is we all are to a degree sensitive and this sensitivity lets us experience emotions and guides us. Listening and understanding better your own emotions can also help you with validation.
The fact that you put yourself out here and ask for help is also a sign that you are not super sensitive and are open for feedback
Keep going