I don't know if he has BPD but something is very wrong

[Daniell85]

I have a boyfriend of 4 years. Tons of ups and downs.

We have a lot of conflict, but not outright big fights. I try to talk to him and he gets mad, and leaves. Usually he makes sure I know he is leaving because I am doing or saying something that he doesn't like.

This leads to sustained silent treatment toward me on his part. It's often unexpected. It happens a lot and I think maybe I am getting PTSD from it.

I don't know how to cope anymore. I feel deeply depressed, hurt, and angry.

Right now he is giving me silent treatment. We are long distance, so that is very easy for him to do. He blocked me on social media, refuses to answer the phone. He is on Skype with me, but refuses to acknowledge me. He will set his status to "invisible" on Skype, but I can see him when he logs in and out.

This latest event has been going on for about 2 weeks. I am hurting and frustrated. I asked him on Skype if he is feeling better. No replay. He just sits there, then goes back to "invisible" status. I gave up trying to talk a few days ago.

I am not the only person he does this too. He also does it to his ex wife who he has a son with. He has kicked about 20 friends out of his life in the last year. He is socially isolating himself and is very angry all the time about how his life has turned out.

There is a mutual friend we have, a gay lady, who says she thinks he can't put himself how it feels to be the other person, so he gets "needlessly" harsh. She actually went and asked him to chill out on me, and he came and accused me of "harassing my friends".

I don't know if we are over... .I tried to push him on that by telling him to just remove himself as a contact for me on Skype. He refuses to leave, refuses to answer. He randomly puts himself as "available" and after about 10 minutes, goes back to being "invisible".

I am having a hard time coping. I can't get him to talk it out, or anything. I don't know why he is doing the Skype thing. I am baffled.

Thought maybe people here would have some insight?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Welcome to the forums!

Your situation sounds very frustrating.

There is a lot of information available here that might be able to help you. I would recommend starting with the lessons that you can find down the right side of this. Start with "Understanding your partner's behaviors". There is a lot to take in and it is kind of overwhelming at first.

I have a question regarding the Skype stuff. Why can't you remove him? Or, are you pretty much sitting in a holding pattern waiting for him to do whatever it is he is going to do?

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, if it were me, I'd remove him off Skype. It's keeping you upset, and he is doing this deliberately. He doesn't remove you, thereby giving you hope, but he also won't reply. It's classic punishment by withdrawal/silent treatment. He feels he has the control, and he does, if you give it to him.

It's a terrible feeling when you are hurting, and left guessing, and they are playing these games. If you remove him, I'm betting he'd get upset and wonder why you did that. If he is BPD, he'll end up blaming you for removing him, but he'll conveniently forget how long he ignored you.

The lessons at right, and advice here, has all really been of help to me.

[Daniell85]

I am in a holding pattern. If I remove him, then it cuts off all communication. I didn't want to "dump" him. Which is what he will think. I think he will, at least

[Ceruleanblue]

You wouldn't be dumping him. He has chosen to not communicate, you've tried. I'd stop trying to guess what he'd think. I used to do that too, but all it got me was panic attacks and more anxiety. Actions are king for me. If I want to know what BPDh is thinking, I'll ask. If he chooses to say nothing is wrong, or is doing the silent treatment, that's on him, not me.

Hang in there. This guy is showing you what you can expect from him. You can stay, and lots of us do, but you are getting a good picture of what your life is likely to be: silent treatment, and push/pull. I wish I'd seen that side of BPDh when we were dating. He pretended to be passive, and caring, and such a great guy until after we'd married.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Daniell85,  

I would like to join Vortex of Confusion and Ceruleanblue and welcome you.  

I am sorry that you are going through this.    I understand how difficult it is to cope with erratic and confusing behavior. It is understandable to feel a mix of emotions such, as depression, hurt, and anger.  

My bf has given me the silent treatment/NC and it was brutal. When my bf was giving me the silent treatment, it was usually because he could not regulate his emotions and was feeling overwhelmed.  He too likes to isolate himself when he is feeling overwhelmed or depressed.  From my experience, when I pressured him to communicate or tried to "fix" things, he ended up pushing me away.  

People with BPD (pwBPD) have fears of abandonment and fears of engulfment  and this is known as the push-pull or dysfunctional dance. When a pwBPD feels engulfed, it is a feeling of losing oneself in the relationship. Many times pwBPD can feel as if their partner is controlling or dominating them when they are feeling engulfed. The fear of abandonment is real or imagined feelings a partner will leave or reject them. Many times a pwBPD will have separation anxiety when being away from their partner or become very angry, display bitterness, or sarcasm if they perceive their partner is "abandoning" them. Essentially, the combination both are a fear of intimacy in the relationship. When a pwBPD is feeling engulfed, they will distance themselves from their partner. When the pwBPD feels that they have pushed the partner too far away, their abandonment fears get triggered and then they pull their partner closer.  

As Vortex of Confusion mentioned, learning about the behaviors really does help. Learning about the behaviors is like deciphering an enigma. Once you get the big picture of BPD, it will help you take the behaviors less personally. The behaviors seem really personal, but the origin of the behaviors have nothing to do with you, it is part of the disorder.

Has this happened before?

[Daniell85]

It's happened a lot until the last 9 months. What I realized after a long time, was if he got provocative with me, I would just say "I don't like that. I can't be close to you ( or I don't feel like being close to you) when that is happening." Then I would leave for a few days. When I come back, he then shows a change in behavior and is calmer, more polite, kinder.

I'm not trying to manipulate. The alternative to telling him how I felt in the most neutral way I could and stepping away, was to try and talk it out. Which he won't allow. He gets angry, sarcastic, bullying, threatening, or just flat out disappears without warning. Like deactivating facebook while we are talking, or suddenly blocking me, unfriending me.

The new way seemed to be working a lot better. I noticed, though, that the better I seem to handle it, the worse he would get. Like it used to take a certain amount of stress to set him off, now it's about half of what it used to be. So I get taken by surprised and am not able to step back before he escalates.

He has had some very bad life difficulties that he has tried to resolve but has been unable to. He's come to be at a permanent level of anger and impatience. He has taken on extra work to make more money, then struggles with exhaustion.

I do understand, at the same time, it literally guts me when he bullies and threatens, then gives me the ultimatum ... "are you looking to get blocked again?"

What can I say. Well, NO!

And saying no gets me blocked and the silent treatment for 2 weeks?

He also ended up taking down his social page. I have no idea for sure why. I have a secondary account that he knows I have, but didn't block. So I watched him last week posting a ton of weird things. I said nothing. Then suddenly he deactivated that account and that has been that.

Maybe he is overwhelmed. I can understand why, but how is it my fault?  it really is hard not to take it personally when he tells me he is doing it because I am so awful.

Thanks for your comments, I am looking at the links on the right of the page.

[EaglesJuju]

I'm not trying to manipulate. The alternative to telling him how I felt in the most neutral way I could and stepping away, was to try and talk it out. Which he won't allow. He gets angry, sarcastic, bullying, threatening, or just flat out disappears without warning. Like deactivating facebook while we are talking, or suddenly blocking me, unfriending me.

PwBPD are very sensitive to things and sometimes perceive things in a distorted manner. When a pwBPD cannot regulate or control their intense emotions, they engage in maladaptive coping strategies, such as projection or avoidance. 

I found when you are trying to discuss something with a pwBPD who is dysregulating, it can be a circular argument or futile.

He's come to be at a permanent level of anger and impatience. He has taken on extra work to make more money, then struggles with exhaustion.

Impulsivity or a lack of impulse control and "intense/inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger" are two of the diagnostic criteria for BPD in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). 

Stress or feeling overwhelmed tends to trigger emotional dysregulation.

Maybe he is overwhelmed. I can understand why, but how is it my fault?  it really is hard not to take it personally when he tells me he is doing it because I am so awful.

It is not your fault and you are not awful.   I understand that it is really hard to not take the behavior personally. This is the behavior from a disordered person who copes with primitive coping mechanisms. 

What types of weird things has he been posting?

[Daniell85]

He was posting songs. The male singer was saying how it was all his fault that his life was a wasteland, how he killed off the love of "her" and she was gone and everyone was gone.

Then he had some posts that were joke quotes about being a jerk and then agreeing with them.

He had sort of a too close women friend at one point and he and I got into a lot of upsets over the lady. It really blew up one day when he posted a picture of her and made some inapropriate comment. Which SHE liked but I got pretty upset about. He RE-posted that photo, but without comment. They aren't friends anymore.

At that point, I said nothing. He was over on Skype hiding under "invisible". I had enough of peeping at him that day, and enough of all of it, and closed the Skype program. The next morning he had deleted the posts. Then after a few hours, he deactivated his facebook account.

I opened the Skype program again after a day or so.

Since then, he's been lurking on Skype. He hasn't said anything. I haven't said anything.

I'm not happy, obviously. I don't want to kick him, and I don't want to "abandon". But... I feel abandoned too.  I am having a hard time not telling him how bad I am feeling, hurt and angry.

What do I do? Just close the program? Block him?

And thanks for the hugs, whew, someone understands this stuff! 

[Daniell85]

I read a lot of the lesson pages.

I think I can learn to do a lot of those things. I am worried about my own feelings of upset leading me into resentment.

He's has cheated once and lied a thousand times. My trust is shot. I try to keep the trust issues I present to him at a minimum. Mainly because any sign of them from me sends him into saying things to me, like he doesn't want anyone around who doesn't trust him. Or I end up panicking some when he sort of disappears. And very odd things tend to happen around him, which kind of make me worried.

Odd like with electronic stuff. Like this: I have 2 Skype accounts. One I had for ages and I had never signed out of. I got a new computer and went to set up Skype and realized I couldn't remember the password and the account was so old, the email account I had for it was long gone. So I set up a second account.

He was on both accounts. After about a year I recalled the password to the original account and went back to using the old account. Until early 2014 when he got mad and kicked me off as a contact and ignore me for 3 months. So I went back to using the new account. When we sorted things last year, he asked to be added on the new account.

So after we had this latest drama, I signed into the old account and was sitting there re-reading the conflict from 2014, and suddenly I was re-added to his contacts, literally, as I sat there and he was sitting there available ( green light). It was bizarre.

So I said, "why did you re add me?"

Him: "I didn't. It must be a glitch in the software of the program."

And I am thinking, how is this possible that the software got this glitch strangely when I hadn't logged into that account for 6 months and his program just suddenly re-added me?

I quickly logged out of the old account and into the new one, and he didn't show online. He had me blocked on the new account, but not on the old account, now. He realized I logged out of the old one and into the new one and suddenly showed up as online on the new account.  I was freaked out and told him "go away". And he hasn't spoke to me since.

THAT is the kind of stuff that leads me to question him, then he gets mad I am asking too many questions, not trusting him, and then showing suspicion or upset, which he tells me he has done nothing to deserve.

So then I get threats to leave, silent treatments.

I don't know if any of that made sense and could be followed with what happened. This stuff happens A LOT.