He paid the legal fees

[livednlearned]

I am in disbelief! My L just called and said she got a check for $3K from N/BPDx! Even better -- I owed her $3200 and she is discounting me $750 and sending $500 so I can experience what it's like to receive at least some money directly.

She didn't charge me for writing the motion for contempt, nor the order to show cause that was needed in order to even collect the fees from our last hearing.

This is the back story: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240095.msg12553851#msg12553851

I'm in disbelief! This is the first time in the last 4.5 years that N/BPDx has ever complied with something. Of course, it took a motion for contempt, but he is choosing to not go to court.

This officially ends everything. He lost custody and the judge terminated visitation. There are no more outstanding sanctions.

I'm going to use the $500 to take a summer vacation with S13 

[Safe]

Congratulations! This is such great news. Something for all of us still in the process to look forward to.

It's also such a nice gesture on the part of your L. I wish she practices in my area

Have a well deserved vacation!

[ReclaimingMyLife]

WOO-HOO!  So happy for you, livednlearned.  Thanks for sharing your good news and ENJOY YOUR TRIP!

[KateCat]

What wonderful news, livednlearned! How extraordinary that you and your attorney accomplished this.

[ForeverDad]

Good news!  However, keep your ear to the ground in case there's some sort of retaliation.  Just in case.

[maxen]

     (get it,  ?)

Wonderful!

[GaGrl]

Outstanding news!

[livednlearned]

Good news!  However, keep your ear to the ground in case there's some sort of retaliation.  Just in case.

The only thing I can think of is that he is paying dues at the club where S13 will be a counselor-in-training for two weeks this summer. I called to ask if the dues are still being paid, and they are. They have known S13 since he was 3, he's like family there. Where we live, everyone belongs to a pool, doesn't seem to matter what income bracket you are. And that's been our pool for 10 years. S13 has lifelong buddies there, and the director of camps really looks out for S13. I was worried about N/BPDx pulling the dues this summer out of spite. But the director said he would waive the fees for S13 if that happens

I sometimes feel like we have these angels working on our behalf, people who care about us and want to see S13 do well. It's one of the silver linings to all of this.

We decided tonight we're going to go see Niagara Falls.  

    (get it,  ?)

Wonderful!

[whirlpoollife]

LnL, I am soo happy for you ! 

[Nope]

That's great! So glad to hear it!

(The cynic in me wonders if he's setting the up the framework to go back for visitation.)

[Eco]

congrats! A paid vacation to boot That's a nice cherry on top.

[Godslove]

Congratulations! So happy for you

[scraps66]

I can think back to the few "victories" I had and the outcome is so anti-climatic when measured against the effort to get to very simple outcomes.  I learned to be very neutral.

This is good no doubt, but be ready for the... ."And I even paid your legal fees!"

[Waddams]

Congratulations! 

It's always good to maintain hope that corners have been turned.  Maybe he's signalling his final surrender and the drama will die out.  At some point, even the most sadistic a$$holes will give up when they keep losing.  Hopefully he's at that point.

[livednlearned]

N/BPDx's arguments were delusional toward the end, especially in the last two hearings. That's when he accused the judge of lying (about back surgery). To his face.   I figured as long as he had that coping strategy in his back pocket, that there would be no end to this. Because the delusional thinking would protect him from feeling the effects of his actions, if that makes any sense. He said some really weird stuff that sounded very articulate, but made zero sense in terms of logic. The special talent of people with PDs to bend reality is something else.

Visitation was terminated at that last hearing, although the judge made it clear that he was ruling that way because N/BPDx had not complied with any of his recommendations from the previous hearing, when he recommended substance abuse treatment, anger management, and the MMPI-2. And under no circumstances was he to send inappropriate messages to S13.

That's what got us to the final hearing. N/BPDx sent a bunch of emails to S13 that were inappropriate, so I filed a motion for contempt and that became our final hearing, which is when the judge awarded a portion of my legal fees. My L also pointed out that there was a gatekeeping order in place, and that N/BPDx had continued to file frivolous items with the court. It's too complicated to explain here, but one of the reasons the judge ordered the gatekeeping is because N/BPDx was filing all this strange stuff that created a lot of busy work. L explained it as, "You just don't do this in family court." Even though it's perfectly legal to file whatever he was filing. And I had to respond to all of it   even though it was considered busy work.

Maybe in that final hearing he realized that he had bent reality as far as it would go. He ran out of delusions, maybe.

It's good news that he paid. Still, there's so much sadness. I sat alone at S13's middle school promotion ceremony and felt a big wave of sadness head my way, and realized I raised this child alone whether I was married or not. I'm grateful that the worst of the legal battle is over, even though the emotional psychological part will probably take decades to resolve. One of the worst things about this particular mental illness is how little other people understand about it, which adds to this feeling of loneliness and isolation.

Thanks for all your support. It means so much. I'm glad I didn't have to go through this entirely alone. Friends have been lovely, they just don't fully understand.

[Waddams]

It's good news that he paid. Still, there's so much sadness. I sat alone at S13's middle school promotion ceremony and felt a big wave of sadness head my way, and realized I raised this child alone whether I was married or not. I'm grateful that the worst of the legal battle is over, even though the emotional psychological part will probably take decades to resolve. One of the worst things about this particular mental illness is how little other people understand about it, which adds to this feeling of loneliness and isolation.

I understand EXACTLY what you mean.  Since my breakup with most recent attempt at a relationship, a few things have hit me.

-Being happy and satisfied in life is an exercise in letting go.  Bad things happen, we go through hard things.  When it's over, letting go and moving on is key.

-The less attachment you have to any particular issue, the better.  It's okay to have your concerns, but only to the point of what you can control.  Don't let it go beyond that.  When things happen that you can't control, just roll with it.

-Being happy with yourself and accepting yourself as you are is completely a choice.

When you do this, you find yourself much more so focusing on the moment and the good things going on instead of ruminating on what didn't go the way you would have wanted, then you find yourself much happier.

I've got multiple family, friends, co-workers, etc. that have all commented on how much better off I see as opposed to two months ago and what a dramatic change there is.  And especially since getting into my new house and getting settled in, getting my son settled, and getting a normal routine with no drama, I can tell you that I am so much frigging happier and satisfied.  It's more than just getting away from the bad stuff of the past.  I've hit a new level of overall healthy attitude about me.  I have nothing to prove to anyone in terms my own worth.  And I don't need to feel like I am worthy to other people.

It took letting go of a lot of things that were tied up in my head space.  Letting go of all the crap in the past, it was quick, and in one way was easy, in another was hard.  I don't have the words to articulate it other than to say I've felt a peace with it all settle over me now.  So just be aware, it doesn't necessarily take decades to resolve it all in anyone's mind.  Just a desire to get better and learning to let it go.

As for any other future drama that crops up, chances are there isn't much else you can get in terms of relief from the court.  Have strong boundaries to limit exposure, and let it go as much as possible without responding when it happens.  Eventually, I predict he'll move on anyway.  The combination of getting shellacked in court enough and not getting the emotional payoff he's looking for will send him off seeking to fill his emptiness elsewhere.

[NewWays]

livednlearned... .

Hoo Ray for you!

For the long road you have been over the last 4.5 years you truly do deserve it!

You must feel great.  In all my dealings with my attorney during divorce proceedings... .I only got invoice statements... .never any refund notices along with a check!

Again... .It's great that it finally ended up this way.  I could tell from your posts that you really were not sure what the final resolution was going to be.

And as Waddams has wisely outlined below, it is about getting this behind us moving forward and letting go.  Each day a bit more of what happened that we all went through fades... .giving us our well deserved chance to heal, understand and grow.

The trip will be great.  Make sure to take your camera with lots of memory card... .the views and pictures are beautiful!

You both will love it!

NewWays

[livednlearned]

Thanks NewWays!

I'm looking forward to the trip. S13 has some sensory processing issues that make him a bit of a high-maintenance co-traveler. It works out that I only have money for a few days because that's all he really can tolerate before it's just not fun anymore. Too much stimulation = overloaded S13.

I do feel that I've moved on, altho having a kid who still struggles does make it harder to completely close this chapter. And who knows, maybe N/BPDx will show up again in one form or another. He sends texts every now and then. S13 says he doesn't feel that they are texts that need a response. 

[NewWays]

livednlearned... .

I understand... .friend of mine has a young daughter that has sensory issues and that has helped me understand a new awareness regarding the same.

Her areas include sound and visual stimulation such as an ongoing situational change of what she observes at an airport, shopping mall, hockey game, etc., must be monitored so as to ascertain if her current level of what she is processing has elevated beyond the threshold into overload.  So I have a small bit of awareness of what you have outlined.

How is the S13 after the path that has occurred with N/BPDx?  I think you have seen my posts that make mention that one of the saddest things that remain in the ashes of my marriage was that I really wanted children and did not have any.

I see now that the early pain when I realized that the blessing of children would never be a reality for the marriage was really a blessing for me... .that I could not understand at the time.  I do not know how you do it!

While all of our paths are varied, we all still experience some very similar BPD behaviors.  Looking back on all of that, if children were present in the marriage, I'm sure she would not exempt them from her disordered actions... .and that makes me feel guilty at times for even wanting children... .but how were we all to know what was coming down the tracks at us at 100mph and this thing called BPD?

While we all have walked a similar path, those that have children from the marriage or relationship that must contend with a BPD disordered partner... .must also protect their children... .and are the best of the best!

As I said earlier... .I do not know how you do it!   If we had children I do not think I could do it!   You and all the members here that have children are the best!

NewWays

p.s. - When you get to the falls, be sure to view/read the historical facts that outline the people that went over the falls that survived, what they experienced when they hit and the massive churning water movement that the falls create and actually produce a virtual water suction vacuum that pulls you back under water time after time if you survive the plunge!

[livednlearned]

How is the S13 after the path that has occurred with N/BPDx? 

He's currently seeing a wonderful T to help treat depression and anxiety. I see some very strong avoidant traits that worry me. S13 could spend every day, all day in his room on the computer. He does play online games with friends, and they will Skype call while they play, but has no interest in going out and shows very little interest in doing new things.

I'm reading a book called Highly Sensitive Child after a social worker (S13 is also in a skills group with 3 other boys his age) suggested that S13 seems to fit that description. It makes me realize that S13 will have a harder time developing emotional resilience because of how highly sensitive he is -- N/BPDx was extremely invalidating and I think I failed to offer the right kind of help to S13 the first 9 years of his life. I'd give myself a C+ for recognizing how easily overstimulated he could get. I would see the coping behavior only, not recognizing that he was flooded by what were often just regular activities, but perhaps too much stimulation for him. I think he has the "sensitive genotype" that can predispose a child to BPD. Even though I was in tune with him for the most part, I made the mistake of accommodating N/BPDx too much and invalidating S13's needs.  :'(  I guess in retrospect, S13 is doing really well, at least if I think about what he would be like still living day-to-day with his dad. My gut tells me S13 would be in a lot worse shape, so I'm thankful that we got out when we did.

p.s. - When you get to the falls, be sure to view/read the historical facts that outline the people that went over the falls that survived, what they experienced when they hit and the massive churning water movement that the falls create and actually produce a virtual water suction vacuum that pulls you back under water time after time if you survive the plunge!

Will do! What you describe sounds like a perfect metaphor for our divorces... .

Do you think there is enough to do for two full days in the area? I can usually make things interesting for S13 as long as I plan things out. He will want to go back to the hotel room if there is a lull  [/quote]

[GaGrl]

LnL, if you will be on the U.S. side of the Falls, there is a beautiful building called the Wintergarden -- it's a glass building with gardens and waterfalls inside.  It makes a nice break from the tourist "stuff."  My son's dad and I were married there about 35 years ago!

[ForeverDad]

There's also a Canadian side to the falls, I didn't go there but I hear you can walk behind the falls.  If he likes the first day, you could repeat some of the activities the next day, catwalks down along one of the falls or ride the boats again.  Expect to get wet with the falling water and mist.

You can go upstream and pull off and go to the river's edge but beware, if the current drags you out, you're a goner, no time for rescue!

It may be New York but NY state is certainly not NYC.  I lost my keys and didn't notice until the end of day, turned out the police checked my car in a parking lot and found my keys in the door!

I was driving up along Lake Erie and saw some grape farms along the way, even an older lighthouse and dock.  We stopped one place to swim too.  He loved chasing the sea gulls.

[livednlearned]

We'll be flying into Buffalo and staying on the Canadian side. It's actually the first time I'll be taking S13 across the border since The Great Custody Battle. S13 hasn't been to Canada (where I'm from and my family still lives) for over 5 years. I don't need permission from N/BPDx to cross the border with S13 woo hoo! My aunt is going to drive from Toronto to visit us. She doesn't have a lot of money and hasn't seen S13 since he was about 5 and accidentally split her lip with a snowball   She's my favorite aunt and we're both really excited about getting together, even if it's only a day or so.

I do feel tense about crossing the border with S13. This issue was such a persistent headache throughout the divorce/custody dispute. After I was awarded legal custody (meaning N/BPDx could no longer block us), I was too broke to travel. I'll have to pass Canadian customs all of my custody papers while S13 is sitting next to me in the car. I've shielded him from so much of the legal stuff, so hopefully he doesn't even know what's being passed back and forth, although I guess it's no big secret. I just preferred that he not know more than he needs to know.

Thanks for the tips about where to visit (and yes, I'll be very certain to not fall in and get swept away    I would hate to go through all this legal stuff and then perish while on my first vacation!

[Grey Kitty]

Have a wonderful vacation.   It is wonderful to hear you taking care of yourself and S13 with something fun for a change!

I've been noticing how various parts of your life are falling into place. I've seen it happen with several friends, once they start accepting what their world is, and who the people in it really are... .things just start blossoming around them. (Even the really difficult people they left start changing for the better in some cases. Perhaps that is why he just paid the legal fees? Or perhaps not.)

[Waddams]

LnL - my XW has taken S10 on a few trips to Scotland where she has family.  Of course, I've never tried to obstruct it, but IIRC, she only needed his passport and that was it.  I did sign something ahead of time showing she had my permission but I don't think it mattered.  I just looked at it like this - what do families do when one parent takes a kid out of the country and the parents are not divorced?  They don't have to sign all that extra paperwork, they can just do it.  It shouldn't be that big a deal with the actual border agents.

[livednlearned]

LnL - my XW has taken S10 on a few trips to Scotland where she has family.  Of course, I've never tried to obstruct it, but IIRC, she only needed his passport and that was it.  I did sign something ahead of time showing she had my permission but I don't think it mattered.  I just looked at it like this - what do families do when one parent takes a kid out of the country and the parents are not divorced?  They don't have to sign all that extra paperwork, they can just do it.  It shouldn't be that big a deal with the actual border agents.

The Canadian-US border is pretty strict about this -- each country has a different way of handling it, and contiguous borders may have a harder time with this, thus they have more safeguards to keep parents from taking kids out of the country. When I was married to N/BPDx, I did need his notarized signature and permission to travel with S13. Without that note, we were turned back. It didn't matter if we were divorced or not.

Maybe it doesn't matter as much in Scotland or the UK. It probably depends on the Hague Treaty that the US has with those countries. Even countries that have the Hague Treaty have negotiated different conditions.

There is a whole factory line of steps to take in Canada if a Canadian national tries to leave the US with a minor child. In my custody order, the arrangement was that I would post bond prior to the trip in the event N/BPDx needed money to have S13 returned from Canada. I have N/BPDx to thank for making it so I even know this 

I won't be surprised if N/BPDx has flagged our passports so that we have to spend time at the border sorting things out.  

[GaGrl]

If you are flying in to Buffalo, I always found that the Niagara Falls border crossing was much less crowded than the Buffalo/Lake Erie border crossing.

[NewWays]

livednlearned... .

Thank you!

You have made me experience a moment of laughter regarding your assessment and comment on my earlier post about some of the stuff I've read about people that have survived going over the falls!

NewWays wrote:

livednlearned wrote:

... .as we all can most likely say, since the first day we understood what BPD was and how it had impacted us as an individual, impacted our marriage and impacted our partner... .laughter was not something that we experienced on a regular basis.  So again, thank you for your comment and assessment that gave me a nice bit of laughter.

I understand your feelings looking back and taking stock on how you carried out many things at that time of your life.  Yes the legal battle is over but moving on, healing, growing takes time and does not happen automatically as that is what I am experiencing.  As my T tells me that to heal, grow and move forward... .really takes hard work and is not something that kicks in and takes over like an automatic pilot.

The sad feeling that you sometimes feel about what you went through and when you "grade" or "rate" yourself regarding what you did... .or could of done better of differently can spin you down to where you mentally/emotionally do not really need to go.

As my T tells me, the reality... .both the good and bad... .is etched in history and is in your past... .the fact is you did the best that you could do at the time!

It is what it is and T goes on to say the real healing and growth will come from what you do each and every day as you move forward... .whether its how you better draw your personal boundaries that you did not do so well before... .or how you relate to your children or nurture other family members and yourself... .as you are moving forward that you invest daily in the hard work necessary to ensure that what you do, is not like anything like you did in the past.

So if possible... .take a step back and try to not be so hard on yourself.  The trip and the other things that you are moving forward on are more of the evidence of how hard you are working and a compliment to you on how you are moving forward, healing and growing!

You are the best!

NewWays

[NewWays]

Sorry... .

I have ALWAYS been computer challenged... .

NewWays Wrote:

"p.s. - When you get to the falls, be sure to view/read the historical facts that outline the people that went over the falls that survived, what they experienced when they hit and the massive churning water movement that the falls create and actually produce a virtual water suction vacuum that pulls you back under water time after time if you survive the plunge!"

livednlearned Wrote:

"Will do! What you describe sounds like a perfect metaphor for our divorces... ."

NewWays