I can't help wondering how long she will be with her next lover...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

We have been apart for three months now. She started grooming the next lover last November. She new him from High School. He had been married for 25 years. His wife was dying of cancer. For her, love seemed to be about suffering. She started accusing me of not loving her enough whenever I expressed joy.

The guy's wife died in December. I started get more comparisons with him, and how I was not meeting her needs. I had to go away in February. In March I found out she had sex with him. I broke up with her then.

I can't help but wonder how long this new relationship will last. I know I should simply focus on 'me', and perhaps feel sorry for him, but I can't. He counseled her to leave me and be with him, so I can't say I have any sympathy for him.

Still suffering... .

[NonBPDEx]

We have been apart for three months now. She started grooming the next lover last November. She new him from High School. He had been married for 25 years. His wife was dying of cancer. For her, love seemed to be about suffering. She started accusing me of not loving her enough whenever I expressed joy.

The guy's wife died in December. I started get more comparisons with him, and how I was not meeting her needs. I had to go away in February. In March I found out she had sex with him. I broke up with her then.

I can't help but wonder how long this new relationship will last. I know I should simply focus on 'me', and perhaps feel sorry for him, but I can't. He counseled her to leave me and be with him, so I can't say I have any sympathy for him.

Still suffering... .

[still_in_shock]

Her new BF is one ass of a man if he got a new lover as soon as his wife died.

[NonBPDEx]

I don't get it. Your wife of 25 years dies. You counsel someone to leave their partner while your own wife is on her deathbed. She is BPD, and so she leaves me becuase he 'suffers for love' more than I do.

A year ago right now I was the love of her life.

I feel guilty that I want them to make each other's lives miserable.

[once removed]

hey nonBPDex,

"I can't help but wonder how long this new relationship will last. I know I should simply focus on 'me', and perhaps feel sorry for him, but I can't."

it doesnt happen over night, and its not necessarily supposed to. your feelings are your feelings, and theyre natural at such a stage. what youve been through is surreal, and youve witnessed (not to mention been subjected to) some pretty lousy behavior. i felt similar feelings, though i wasnt married, nor was my replacement, so for me, its easy to see where youd be offended by that kind of behavior even if it hadnt happened to you.

not to mention, you were on the receiving end of some comparisons. its not surprising that you would then make comparisons, and that you would want to see that comparison fail.

it is probably safe to say that both parties are using the relationship as a means of soothing some profound wounds, in a rather maladaptive way. that doesnt usually bode well.

[Beach_Babe]

... .while the other woman lay dying?  I think I just threw up.

[Mutt]

Hi NonBPDEx,



I'm sorry you're going through all of this. That sounds terrible what you're ex did and I think once removed has a good point they may be soothing emotional wounds and its lousy behavior.

I would like to add maybe there's a chance that he may have a personality disorder?

Your kids became attached to her? How are they doing?

[NonBPDEx]

I was married for 18 years. We have two kids. One day, my wife left. The kids were 9 and 11. That was five years ago. I have been raising them myself since.

People always asked how a mother could just leave her kids. I did not know what to answer. I had never heard of BPD until now. Now I know. She exhibited all the traits. Blamed me for all her unhappiness, lied, push-pull, all the classic signs.

I had been single for four years. Then I met my latest girlfriend. She seemed great. Perfect. Had a child the same age as my kids. Though her kid has serious issues.

I saw  red-flags right from the beginning, but thought that she was just out of what she called a bad marriage, and thought that we all have issues, so gave her the benefit of the doubt. And she tried so hard to make me happy, and to make my kids happy.

But the isolation, and jealousy, and threats to kill herself in the middle of night where a lot. Always testing me. But the good times were so good.

If I had heard of BPD I would not have let her meet the kids. We had a family again, and the kids opened up to her.

But she would be up in the middle of the night on the Internet. And she mentioned this old friend's wife dying. And things got worse. "Why did I not do this", "why did I do that".

After she slept with the new guy I broke it off. I did not know what to say to the kids. I had let her in our home. I had trusted her, and so they had too. I just told them it did not work out and that I was sad.

The older one got sad, the younger one got angry. They are teenagers. When she was here we were a family again and they were hovering around us all the time. Now they are out. At friends. Rarely home.

I do not know if the new guy has issues. He was married for 25 years until his wife died. When my ex first started talking to him she would say he was kind of a nerd, boring, and that she would much rather be with me. Then wham.

My kids and I have gone through it twice now. I wish I new about BPD before.

I wish I could stop thinking about her. And stop thinking about how long this new one will last for her. I am angry at her and the new guy. They hurt me, and they hurt my kids. I hope there is such as thing as karma.

[Mutt]

I'm a single dad for the last two years and I have shared custody. There are days that I struggle and wish I had an extra pair of hands. I can appreciate single parenting and how difficult that is.

Do you blame yourself for not knowing it was BPD?

Do you blame yourself for her actions and your family going through this?

[NonBPDEx]

Do I blame myself?

I blame myself because she told me she was sick, and listed all the symptoms and the causes (emotional abandonment by her mother). She obviously knows she has BPD, and tried to tell me so I would have had understanding for her better, but she did not want to mention BPD because of her fear of abandonment. However, if I had listened better, perhaps I could have a) helped her and been more understanding, and b) protected my kids.

So yes, I blame myself for not being as understanding as I could have been.

[Mutt]

Hey NonBPDEx,

It was clear from the beginning that she had issues - she told me. In fact, she told me just about every symptom of BPD, but I had never heard about it.

I'm reading it like she was indirectly telling you about symptoms and didn't directly tell you she has BPD?

Have I got that right?

[NonBPDEx]

Yes. She told me she was on meds, that she was seeing a T. She told me she had abandonment issues. She told me her mother 'punished' her as a child by withdrawing. She told me she needed me to 'look after' her. She told me she was 'broken'. She told me she was not being heard by me.

[Mutt]

Hey NonBPDEx,

Don't be hard on yourself. A pwBPD want to feel whole and erase their feelings of emptiness and desperately search a perfect relationship, someone that will take care of them and who will not leave them no matter what and someone that won't cross them. When you meet all of the person's needs you are their hero, and when the person perceives that there is a flaw, then you become the villain.

BPD is a serious mental illness and some people will not acknowledge that they have problems, some do acknowledge that they have problems and don't seek treatment, and ultimately we can't lead or coerce someone to get help and treatment. The person has to want to get help for themselves and commit to therapy.