If BPDs fear abandonment, why do they leave?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,  I've read and I've read this website to help me through my divorce to my exBPDh of 22 years, and yesterday, he came to collect half of his belongings in the house.  Of course, there was his sense of entitlement, manipulation to get what he wanted ... .and he did, in the end I caved in the same way that I've given in for 22 years rather than face the temper tantrums. 

Throughout our marriage, after the initial years of push/pull (as a friend said, he knocks me down with a large hammer, then pulls me up by behaving as though nothing happened and I would feel relief that things were 'normal' again), the focus turned to him, and my focus was totally him.  Fast forward and at some point in the past 3 years, he decided to run.  He loves to run away, usually for a week or two, but this was his great escape and he carried out a few months of abusive behaviour that ensured I filed for divorce, which I felt I had no choice but to do so.

When he collected his stuff, I felt the pain of grief, was sobbing that it had come to this.  He said that he wasn't expecting that and thought I would be glad to be rid of him.  But I loved him and always believed that it would come right, as so many here before me have done, and conceded defeat.  Today, he texted me to ask if I was okay, and I replied that I wasn't but I suspect that was to test the water to enable him to feel less guilty rather than have any genuine compassion.  Right?

But it left me thinking, if he with BPD fears abandonment, why did he push away the one person who had stood by him for two decades, cared for him, made his life relatively easy and he said it was "the end of an era"?  Our marriage was an "era"! 

[Tyrwhitt1]

Hi everyone,  I've read and I've read this website to help me through my divorce to my exBPDh of 22 years, and yesterday, he came to collect half of his belongings in the house.  Of course, there was his sense of entitlement, manipulation to get what he wanted ... .and he did, in the end I caved in the same way that I've given in for 22 years rather than face the temper tantrums. 

Throughout our marriage, after the initial years of push/pull (as a friend said, he knocks me down with a large hammer, then pulls me up by behaving as though nothing happened and I would feel relief that things were 'normal' again), the focus turned to him, and my focus was totally him.  Fast forward and at some point in the past 3 years, he decided to run.  He loves to run away, usually for a week or two, but this was his great escape and he carried out a few months of abusive behaviour that ensured I filed for divorce, which I felt I had no choice but to do so.

When he collected his stuff, I felt the pain of grief, was sobbing that it had come to this.  He said that he wasn't expecting that and thought I would be glad to be rid of him.  But I loved him and always believed that it would come right, as so many here before me have done, and conceded defeat.  Today, he texted me to ask if I was okay, and I replied that I wasn't but I suspect that was to test the water to enable him to feel less guilty rather than have any genuine compassion.  Right?

But it left me thinking, if he with BPD fears abandonment, why did he push away the one person who had stood by him for two decades, cared for him, made his life relatively easy and he said it was "the end of an era"?  Our marriage was an "era"! 

[Beach_Babe]

I'm sorry to hear that. I struggle with this as well. Are YOU done or hoping to reconnect?

[Tyrwhitt1]

I don't think I could reconnect, in his raging moments, I felt threatened and whilst I struggle with the notion of having the good side only back, I know the bad side is bad. Fortunately, I didn't see this side of him til the last 8 months of our marriage and once he knew he had the money from the house to escape with he stopped.

I divorced him but only because I felt I had to. I knew he could potentially bankrupt me if I didn't.  I guess I want to reconnect with the dream of a good life with him. I know that's not real but the pain of disconnecting after so many years feels like part of me just died. And the confusion of what he thinks he's running away to being worth it when he had every stability here.

[lm911]

They leave because they can't stand this fear and think we will hurt them at one point and leave them devasted, so they leave us first.

The other reason is because they can't also sustain a healthy realtionship going steady because they fear they will lose themselves in the partner. They feel overhemled with emotions, because the relationship is serious. So they sabotage and leave.

[lm911]

It does not make any sense but they are disordered people, their brain does not work as ours. This is why BPD is tragic - they crave love but when they find it, they can't sustain it because of this sick fears.

[Beach_Babe]

I guess I want to reconnect with the dream of a good life with him. I know that's not real but the pain of disconnecting after so many years feels like part of me just died. And the confusion of what he thinks he's running away to being worth it when he had every stability here.

Yeah, that's really tough I'm sorry. It sounds like you went out of your way to be a good and stable partner to him. I wouldn't say that "good side" the dream, wasn't real. He did love you, in that moment. But that "moment" is fleeting that's the problem. They can't hang onto anything. Are you still forced to have contact due to divorce proceedings? Are there children involved?

[Low C]

I heard a quote the other day (sorry I can't remember the source): "Anger is fear on steroids."  I know I've felt that way, as a matter of fact, almost any time I can think of having become angry in my personal life, there was fear or insecurity at the core of it.  I've accepted that, in my situation at least, the angry outbursts and the rejection were a culmination of fear on my ex's part.  Couple that with a pwBPD's possible emotional immaturity and lack of impulse control, and it seems plausible that he or she could exhibit behaviors rejecting their partner while still feeling fear of abandonment.

Sorry, I think I'm sounding overly logical there.  I guess I have spent a lot of time trying to work out and believe this line of reasoning as a way of untangling my ex's behaviors and trying not feel so hurt by her words or actions.  I am truly sorry that the level of commitment you surely felt and proved to your husband was undone in a way that probably seems to easy for him to let go of.

[myself]

I think pwBPD fear intimacy much more than abandonment. Because that's when they would really need to face themselves and make the positive changes that would help them have a better life. The BPD perspective is usually too ingrained, too overwhelming to follow through with this though. From our side, it's like watching a sinking ship go over the horizon.

[Emelie Emelie]

I've struggled with this myself.  Wonder if it's a preemptive strike. 

[Tyrwhitt1]

Thanks for all your replies. Watching a sinking ship sail over the horizon is such a great analogy of the situation. He's left a beautiful house in a quiet location with plenty of money to do as he pleased and a wife who tolerated his mood swings, push and pulls and headed out to an area he left 23 years ago because he hated it, to buy a house he'll struggle to afford to run with half the content s of this house which will trigger memories.

I think fear of intimacy manifests itself in an action that if he gave of himself, did things for me, showed anything more than the basics, I'd be controlling him.  He would only do something when he wanted, on his terms, I stopped asking. Running away must feel like the ultimate regaining of control, no expectations, the perfect opportunity to be only answerable to himself. For he loves himself above anyone. I suspect it'll come at a price.

We didn't have children, have a dog who I love and allowed to go with him. He'll use the dog to keep a toe in the door.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I think they pull the trigger before you have the chance. When my ex was leaving (though we had planned on continuing the relationship) she picked up her cat (that she was leaving with me) and said oh kitty I feel like I'm abandoning you. I looked at her with tears in my eyes and ssaid what about me? You are abandoning me. She lost it. The despair on her face and the tears that followed were heart breaking. She was sobbing and hugging me telling me please don't say things like that. Well get through this.

She broke up with me 30 days later saying she felt as though she needed to move on with her life. I had grown a little distant bc of her actions (or lack there of). The night before she called it off, she was telling me how in love with me she is.

[Beach_Babe]

Well at least her actions show there is a human inside. Not so for me =( Mine never showed an ounce of such care or remorse. Just relief and gratitude I was gone.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Well at least her actions show there is a human inside. Not so for me =( Mine never showed an ounce of such care or remorse. Just relief and gratitude I was gone.

I'm sorry. I honestly can't imagine living through some of the stories on here. I am a sensitive soul. Her human side, compassionate side, is what really makes thus all so hard for me. The flashes of kindness. The genuine acts of love. I can't fight the disorder and I think that is the most difficult part.

[JRT]

I read someone explain it this way: you are convinced that someone thorugh their actions and your own intuitions is going to punch you in the face. The more and more you think about it, the more that you are overwhelmingly convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt that they are going to do it... .so before they get the chance, you do it first to get it over with.

They are convinced thorugh low self worth that they will be abandoned and it is profoundly painful for them. To release themselves from this pain, they do it before you will. It is not an easy choice for them and they are (generally) not ok after the fact (although they have 'proof' of their victimhood and justify their behavior to others and themselves with, sometimes, fantasies of cruelty) even though they proclaim their new found happiness often with a replacement.

But they never detach fully and the chances are that they loved you more than anything and rue the day that they did what they did. Often times pwBPD circle back many months or even years later for this reason.