I'll have to just walk away one day without warning...

[Depression = 72% of members]

In the 53 days since I ran away…  It still sucks to have just walked away without warning or proper preparation. But I did the best I was able to do considering the circumstances.

We have seen this (running away) in domestic violence cases. I believe you when you say it sucks but it was the only option. What was happening in the relationship that made this the plan? You said it was spontaneous - did you plan it or just go one day?  What happened?

None of the kids have written me. That hurts. If I couldn't help their mother, then they really can't help her, but they could at least stop telling her that she isn't an alcoholic.

13YearGoodbye, as you say, what is done is done (history).  

At the same time, there are many things that can still done (future).

This surely affects the children and other family members who have know you for so many years.  It's really up to you to extend a hand back to the kids if you want future contact. Do you want to have any level of a relationship with any family members? 

53 is not to late to tie up some of these loose ends if your want to.

[Skip]

In the 53 days since I ran away…  It still sucks to have just walked away without warning or proper preparation. But I did the best I was able to do considering the circumstances.

We have seen this (running away) in domestic violence cases. I believe you when you say it sucks but it was the only option. What was happening in the relationship that made this the plan? You said it was spontaneous - did you plan it or just go one day?  What happened?

None of the kids have written me. That hurts. If I couldn't help their mother, then they really can't help her, but they could at least stop telling her that she isn't an alcoholic.

13YearGoodbye, as you say, what is done is done (history).  

At the same time, there are many things that can still done (future).

This surely affects the children and other family members who have know you for so many years.  It's really up to you to extend a hand back to the kids if you want future contact. Do you want to have any level of a relationship with any family members? 

53 is not to late to tie up some of these loose ends if your want to.

[hurting300]

In the 53 days since I ran away…  It still sucks to have just walked away without warning or proper preparation. But I did the best I was able to do considering the circumstances.

We have seen this (running away) in domestic violence cases. I believe you when you say it sucks but it was the only option. What was happening in the relationship that made this the plan? You said it was spontaneous - did you plan it or just go one day?  What happened?

None of the kids have written me. That hurts. If I couldn't help their mother, then they really can't help her, but they could at least stop telling her that she isn't an alcoholic.

13YearGoodbye, as you say, what is done is done (history).  

At the same time, there are many things that can still done (future).

This surely affects the children and other family members who have know you for so many years.  It's really up to you to extend a hand back to the kids if you want future contact. Do you want to have any level of a relationship with any family members? 

53 is not to late to tie up some of these loose ends if your want to.

Skip, any chance you could install a "like" button?

[13YearGoodbye]

About 6 years ago I paid a phychologist $100 for an hour of his time to help me sort through what to do with my relationship to the BPD... .He was about 80 years old and had seen it all. He accurately described everything about the dynamics of our relationship: About her actions, and my reactions. He offered me two paths to stay in the relationshp. The first was complete and total passiveness on my part, and the other was narcissistic dictator. I chose passiveness, which better fits my way of dealing with the world. He said that he was absolutely not capable of helping anyone with BPD. But referred me to a clinic in a nearby city that practices DBT. That would have required her consent.

He also told me that he believed that the only way for me to get free was to just walk away one day with no contact after. He even told me that it was a horrible thing to do. So for the past 6 years I have frequently  thought that I would eventually ghost. Especially after the alcoholism dis-inhibited her normal dysregulations it got too ugly to stay.

I knew two months before I finally ghosted that I was going to leave and not go back this time. But in order to keep some semblance of peace at home, I had to keep physical preparations very low key (she was too hung over to go to work during those two months). So when I finally ghosted it was premeditated, but it was also spontaneous: Because I fled one of the most intense dysregulations ever.

The dysregulations were mostly always about something stupid like whether the end of the toilet paper should hang off the front of the roll or the back. And I'm certain that she frequently gaslighted about which way she would like it to hang. Because no matter how I'd put it on, it would be wrong. She'd say that I was betraying her, and never listening, and purposefully sabotaging her. Over how I hang a roll of toilet paper on the wall? Oh my heck! Eventually I refused to hang toilet paper, and would leave the roll sitting on the counter-top. Then I was just a lazy slob, which is easier for me to handle psychologically.

The final dysregulation was in regards to me not agreeing to make a phone call to her daughter's (I suspect also has BPD) landlord over a maintenance issue. Don't you know that as a man I have magical powers to persuade landlords.  I might fall prey to my woman's BPD, but no way in heck that I'm going to get involved in her daughter's.

The trigger for me was the alcoholism... .two months before I left, she drank 150 ounces of  80 proof vodka in a weekend. That landed her in urgent care for alcohol poisoning. Even though the lab tests clearly showed that her liver was shutting down, she denied being an alcoholic. That's when I started monitoring her alcohol consumption. The two months before I left it averaged 33 ounces per day of vodka, and the trend-line was upwards. So all the normal BPD problems and issues were magnified because the alcohol dysregulated her even further. On top of that she was often falling down drunk and/or slurring her words so badly that I couldn't have understood what she was saying even if she were not speaking out of the emotional make believe world in which emotions are substituted for memories and facts. And of course I kept getting painted blacker and blacker for "not listening". It's really hard to understand speech that so slurred that there aren't any consonants.

The only family that I know from her side are her X husband which I've met a few times, her children which I partially raised for her, and her brother which I have met less often than her X husband.  I don't think she had friends other than me. At her daughter's wedding, she spoke to her X in the same disrespectful way that she speaks to me. I laughed my head off about that!

Some of the kids I might like an ongoing relationship with, others not so much... .I figure that there is time to deal with that later on: Perhaps after their mother meets her doom from alcoholism, or breaking her head during a drunken fall. I sound so snotty and bitter today... .I don't feel that way, it's just nice to finally say how things actually are instead of saying "Oh she's sick with a nerve problem."

Perhaps in 6 months or a year I'll reach out to the kids.

[Mutt]

I sound so snotty and bitter today... .I don't feel that way, it's just nice to finally say how things actually are instead of saying "Oh she's sick with a nerve problem."

I understand. It helps to talk to people that have walked a mile in your shoes.

[Skip]

I paid a phychologist to help me sort through what to do with my relationship… He offered me two paths to stay in the relationshp…. total passiveness or narcissistic dictator. He also told me… that the only way for me to get free was to just walk away one day with no contact after. He even told me that it was a horrible thing to do.

That was really extreme advice... .and coming from a single therapy session. Did he actually suggest just vanishing? Did he say why?

When I finally ghosted [vanished] it was premeditated, but it was also spontaneous: Because I fled one of the most intense dysregulations ever. The final dysregulation was in regards to me not agreeing to make a phone call to her daughter's landlord over a maintenance issue.

What was this all about?  How did she react.

The trigger for me was the alcoholism... .I started monitoring her alcohol consumption. The two months before I left it averaged 33 ounces per day of vodka

33 shots a day? That would kill most people. Had she become a dysfunctional fall-over drunk?  What drove her to this?

www.recoveringaddict.hubpages.com/hub/Drinking-Games-How-Many-Shots-Would-it-Take-to-Kill-You-Find-Out-Here

Some of the kids I might like an ongoing relationship with, others not so much... .I figure that there is time to deal with that later on: Perhaps after their mother meets her doom from alcoholism, or breaking her head during a drunken fall.

Did you bond with the kids over that 13 year period or was there a lot of conflict in the house?

[Madison66]

Hi, 13 year!

Your situation sounds really tough and it sounds like you hung in there as long as you possibly could.  My situation was different and similar all at the same time.  I am now two years removed from the r/s and while I couldn't completely vanish after I left the r/s, I had to go hardcore n/c to avoid any communication with my ex gf and her three young kids.  They lived on the same block with me.  After about 6 months of n/c and countless attempts by her to break it, she finally moved to a different area of the city.  I hadn't heard from her in almost a year and then she texted me a couple weeks ago.  No big deal.

I can see it in what you have written that you have nothing left to give and need to 100% separate from the r/s.  I felt the same way.  It was the only way for me to get the peace I needed to focus inward and repair the most important r/s in my life = with me!  I could no longer be true to myself and accept the abuse and chaos in my life.  I too felt the guilt and anger of not being able to maintain a r/s with the kids while at the same time knowing it was the only way to extricate myself from the utter unhealthiness.  I tried to explain the situation to people around me and other than my T, no one could relate to what I dealt with in a r/s with a BPD/NPD partner.  Two years removed and I clearly see that this is not the way healthy r/s look and feel.  Life goes on my friend.  Stay true to yourself and keep pushing forward.  It is going to feel confusing, lonely, desperate, etc. and that is what happens with you leave these r/s.  Again, I'm two years removed and my life is so different from when I allowed myself to be captive in such an unhealthy r/s.  I did find a great T to help me through it and to help me focus inward.  You will find your answers, too... .

[13YearGoodbye]

I interviewed perhaps a dozen therapists before settling on one that I thought had the wisdom to help me. I shared background details during the interview process. Then I had to wait to get in to see him for about a month while he recovered from surgery. He was very old... .Before I met him, I had devoured "Codependent No More", and "Stop Walking On Eggshells" and was doing a decent job of implementing the suggested techniques. So by the time I talked with the therapist, we could use short phrases like "splitting" or "rescuing" to convey vast arrays of behavioral patterns: Both hers and mine.

Yes. He suggested just walking away with no explanation if I chose to leave. The reason he gave me was along the lines of no explanation would be adequate, and explaining or maintaining contact would only keep me enmeshed in the relationship. Also, he felt like telling a pwBPD that they are about to be abandoned is not the safest activity that one can engage in.

Dysregulation just happens. It's not possible to make sense about why, or how, or what the triggers happen to be for any particular dysregulation. It's just dysregulation. And alcohol dis-inhibits the dysregulation even more.

Her weight is around 250 pounds, so spread out over an entire day that makes the BAC around 0.21% or about half the LD50. Yes. I took her to the doctor or urgent care many times because she got drunk, fell down, and hurt something... .She is covered with huge bruises... .Two months before I left I  took her to urgent care for alcohol poisoning.  Sometimes she'd fall down on the floor and stay there for hours... .I figured that if the house ever caught fire while she was too drunk to get up that I'd have to abandon her because she's too heavy for me to move. Every time she got up to go pee during the night, I'd curl up in a fetal ball so that if she fell on me that she'd be less likely to break my arm or leg.

What drove her to this?

She has BPD... .One of the diagnostic characteristics of BPD is self-destructive behavior. So the simple answer is that it's just the nature of her mental disorder. The more complex explanation  is that she had a bad reaction to a flu shot, and it caused a lot of nerve pain, and the alcohol helped to numb the pain.

I was driving her to work because she was too sick to drive herself... .That was horrid for me, because it didn't allow my routine coping mechanism of withdrawing from conflict, because I was trapped in the car with her for an hour a day. It also didn't allow me to work out of town a few days a week to unwind. Now that I am out of the FOG, I'd say that I drove her to work because she was too drunk or too hung-over to drive herself.

I could forgive her for BPD. She had that when I met her. I had been dealing with it for years, and was doing a fairly decent job of it. Sad that she wouldn't take any steps to try to heal herself, but whatever. I'd made my choice and was willing to live with the consequences. I couldn't however forgive her for the recently developed alcoholism, because that seemed like a day-to-day choice to purposefully make things worse for herself and for me.

When I first got there, conflict was common: Hours long screaming fits between the kids and their mother... .Eventually, the hours long screaming fits were reduced to holidays like thanksgiving and Christmas. Then they became cuss-out sessions directed at me before the kids arrived. One thanksgiving I kept a moment by moment journal of every cross word she said to me... .I just found that this evening... .Oh my heck! It is surreal.

I'm an introvert. I don't know how to answer a question about bonding with the kids. I took care of them, and nurtured them, and fed them, and helped them with anything they asked for hep with. I brought peace into their lives. I don't know if they will ever appreciate what I did for them, and for their mother. That labor of love is not undone just because I'm not taking care of their mother any more.

[13YearGoodbye]

So last night, I was emptying my spam folder, and there was a letter from my X in there. And just to show myself how dumb I am, I read it. The message was a suicide note... .

I felt so relieved. Relieved for her that her pain was finally ending. Relieved for her kids. Relieved for myself. And guilty for feeling pleasure at the thought of her demise... .Then the self-doubt and second guessing kicked in... .Do I get involved? Or is this just one more ploy like every other ploy to get me re-enmeshed in chaos? It was about midnight when I got the message, so I didn't feel like disturbing my support network. I was all alone to handle this one. So I fussed, and sat there in a stupor: Unable to act. And unable not to act. I was trapped between  the pain of 13 years of disfunctional chaos, and the past 51 days of blessed tranquility. I felt unwilling to give up the tranquility, so I couldn't act... .But  the kids would suffer at her demise, so I couldn't not act.

If she shot herself, then it doesn't matter if I acted or didn't act. Her son would have heard the gunshot. If she poisoned herself, should I allow the poison ample time to work? Or should I call a suicide line?

The email could also be read as a murder/suicide note, so I had to ponder how to protect myself and my family if she showed up intent on taking me with her. That was easy... .I warned my family, and locked the doors of the house, and got my deer hunting rifle out of the safe and kept it close at hand for the night. In thinking about it later, that seems like a dumb idea, cause I don't think I'd shoot her even if she were asking for it. Hmm. Suicide via X-boyfriend... .I wonder how often that happens among BPD sufferers?

Finally about 3 hours later, I had a moment of clarity, and sent a text to her son that is living with her, telling him about the email, and asking him to not tell her that I read her email nor that it affected me. I also gave him the local suicide hot-line number.

Then I went to bed.

In the morning I texted a similar message to one of her son-in-laws. He got right back with me, and later in the day texted again saying that she is ok. I suppose that she was drunk out of her mind when she wrote me.

Since I didn't get much sleep last night, I took the day off from work, and visited my support network instead. That was so nice! And I feel good that I gave contact details to some of the kids.

[Skip]

You handled it well and responsibly. They will keep an out out for her now.

[13YearGoodbye]

68 days for me so far!

I still don't like that I ran away. But if I had it to do over again I'd still run away, so I get to make my choices and live with the consequences.

I intend to live peacefully with those around me. 68 days of peace and tranquility has been a blessing to me. I've lost 15 pounds since leaving. I suppose stress weight... .

[problemsolver]

68 days for me so far!

I still don't like that I ran away. But if I had it to do over again I'd still run away, so I get to make my choices and live with the consequences.

I intend to live peacefully with those around me. 68 days of peace and tranquility has been a blessing to me. I've lost 15 pounds since leaving. I suppose stress weight... .

What exactly is a narcissistic dictator?  Someone who just doesn't care about the pwBPDs needs?

[13YearGoodbye]

Exactly!  It's hard to get sucked into drama that you don't care about! I suppose that my therapist was thinking that narcissists are able to get along tolerably well with pwBPD because they don't care... .Flood after flood of instability and dysregulation can wash over them without causing harm... .I suppose the recommendation of complete passiveness is the same idea... .Doesn't matter what the pwBPD is doing, it doesn't have anything to do with the partner... .

[13YearGoodbye]

72 days no contact for me...

Thanks for your postings to the forums. I'm having a ball reminiscing. Reading the things that you write about your pwBPD that so closely mirrors my experiences. I'm loving the descriptions of your feelings, and second doubts, and insecurities about your choices. I'm learning from your successes and your failures. Thanks for sharing.

The next task that I have set for myself is to explore the independence/engulfment dynamic more fully. I'm looking forward to what I'll discover about myself, my childhood,  and my manner of dealing with those around me.

[enlighten me]

Hi 13yearsgoodbye

Your last post was a big step for me. Looking at yourself and why you did what you did can be very eye opening. I realised that Ive always been the white knight trying to step in and save the day. Im prone to people pleasing and always want people to think the best of me. I still haven't worked out why I did this though. My FOO isn't messed up. An overbearing mum and a quiet dad but no real drama or incident. Part of me feels that I am just wired that way. Now that Ive seen it though Ive changed quite a bit. In the past if someone had a problem I would wrack my brain to try and find a solution. Now I don't offer help unless asked for or if there is an obvious solution that they can do for themselves. In the beginning it was uncomfortable just to stand back but now Im reaping the rewards. Im less stressed and have more time and money for me and my boys.

I hope you find the answers that you are looking for.

EM

[13YearGoodbye]

I have decided that it's not wrong for me to nurture people... .I'll continue to nurture anyone I want whenever I feel liIke it... .What I'm not willing to do any more is to nurture because of Fear, Obligation, Guilt, or Shame.

My life has been filled with peace for 79 days now. My X-pwBPD, sent 4 emails in the last couple days, but I let them wash over me like water over a fish. No big deal. She says that she's on her death bed, and that me and the doctor that diagnosed her as an alcoholic were wrong, and lots of other things that were supposedly written about who I am, but there is so little in what she wrote that is even remotely connected to my reality that I just shrugged them off. She was telling me for example what my feelings are... .She told me that I had trespassed though the neighbor's yard to steal from her. (The reality is that I have been pure no contact. I haven't even driven past her house.) Things like that which are totally devoid of a connection to physical reality.

I had told myself that I was going to respond next time she wrote me... .But there was nothing to respond to. I couldn't imagine a single good outcome to me, or to her, if I were to respond. So I remain no contact.

And in my self-explorations, one thing that keeps coming up over and over again, is that I hitched myself to a woman with a mental illness. That goes a long way towards describing my actions and feelings. I did what I had to do to get by minute by minute and month to month.

I've been enjoying cleaning house and washing dishes at the houses of friends and family, and noticing the PTSD feelings and emotions that often arise within me. It's nice to share and explore the emotions, and work on ways of defusing them.

[13YearGoodbye]

85 days of NO CONTACT. So far, so good.

Two of the 4 kids responded to my condolence text message regarding the passing of their cousin on my X's side.

His obituary stated something along the lines of:  "He died unexpectedly of a massive heart attack". I was totally expecting it. He must weigh around 600 pounds! Morbid obesity is common in the family, as is the disconnection from reality, which would call his heart attack unexpected, or that would say that my X is not an alcoholic.

Oh well, it's not my problem any more. Didn't cause it. Can't control it. Can't cure it.

It was good to hear from a couple of the kids.

[13YearGoodbye]

91 days no contact.

Well sorta. She sent another email today. The meanest and blackest yet. And the most disconnected from reality. I was so disinterested in it that I didn't even read the whole thing. As usual it was surreal. She said that she slept the summer away because she had mono. The truth is that she was passed out from alcoholism. I don't expect her to ever admit to that. The letter was full of projection, and of something that I don't have a name for, where she was claiming credit for good things that I did, as if she was the one that did them. And that I am a black-eyed hater/betrayer that never did a single good thing around the house. The truth is that I routinely and cheerfully cleaned the house, the dishes, the stove, the laundry, the yard, etc... .Enough ranting from me for the night.

I expect another even blacker email for Thanksgiving. which was typically the occasion for her worst rages. In anticipation I trained my email program to auto-save them into a hidden folder. I feel inclined to save them in case they are needed for legal purposes, but they don't have to be in a folder, like the junk folder, that I scan occassionally to make sure it is filtering correctly.

On brighter news, a couple of days ago, I went on my first date since the breakup. It was fun... .Too many red flags though to consider a romantic relationship with her... .The biggest for me was that she comes from a borderline family, and she was unable to do self-reflection.

I'm enjoying the peace of being single. I intend to remain single rather than enter another messed up relationship.

[hurting300]

91 days no contact.

Well sorta. She sent another email today. The meanest and blackest yet. And the most disconnected from reality. I was so disinterested in it that I didn't even read the whole thing. As usual it was surreal. She said that she slept the summer away because she had mono. The truth is that she was passed out from alcoholism. I don't expect her to ever admit to that. The letter was full of projection, and of something that I don't have a name for, where she was claiming credit for good things that I did, as if she was the one that did them. And that I am a black-eyed hater/betrayer that never did a single good thing around the house. The truth is that I routinely and cheerfully cleaned the house, the dishes, the stove, the laundry, the yard, etc... .Enough ranting from me for the night.

I expect another even blacker email for Thanksgiving. which was typically the occasion for her worst rages. In anticipation I trained my email program to auto-save them into a hidden folder. I feel inclined to save them in case they are needed for legal purposes, but they don't have to be in a folder, like the junk folder, that I scan occassionally to make sure it is filtering correctly.

On brighter news, a couple of days ago, I went on my first date since the breakup. It was fun... .Too many red flags though to consider a romantic relationship with her... .The biggest for me was that she comes from a borderline family, and she was unable to do self-reflection.

I'm enjoying the peace of being single. I intend to remain single rather than enter another messed up relationship.

Correct me if I'm wrong but doesn't (no contact) mean you don't read texts and emails and you block them from contact to protect your own well being? I mean you say she treated you horribly, so how can you bare to read your abusers emails?

[13YearGoodbye]

Hurting300: I know! Sorry about my choice of words. In future posts to the forum I'll modify it to say "NO REPLY".

At first I read the emails because of fear/obligation/guilt/responsibility. This time it was out of curiosity. I think that it is therapeutic for me to read them now.  I clearly see how disconnected she is from any sort of objective/physical reality, which is good for me. I observe the hooks and techniques which she put into me to control and manipulate me, which is good for me. Uncovering them now gives me time to deal with my triggers before someone else triggers them. I don't have any desire to cover up her alcoholism or to help her cover it up. It's good to observe how the denial operates. Again it will help me avoid those behaviors in the future. I am being cheerfully honest these days, both about my own behaviors, and about other's. I don't feel any obligation to rescue her which is really really good for me. I'm no longer going to my support network and crying to them about how hurtful the email was to me. Am I becoming a narcicist? I don't know, and I don't care!

As an example, last time I took her to urgent care for alcohol poisoning, she was too incapacitated to fill out the intake forms herself. There was a space on one of the forums asking how often she has sex. I checked the "almost never" box, which was an accurate description of our life. In her most recent email she was raging about what a betrayal that was to her. Excuse me? Fuming at your partner for filling out doctor's forms honestly? Who does that? Like I said earlier: Surreal. I don't reply, because there is nothing that can be written that would help me. And nothing that can be written that would help her. I don't have any reason to believe that she will ever confess to being an alcoholic. (And especially not to  BPD.)

[Skip]

You're out in the clear. Moving on. That's good.

She's totally freaking out by the sudden and total disappearance and abandonment after 13 years... .which , to be truthful, would freak anyone out.

I don't think any one of us would question your need to go or recommend that you return.

You sound more celebratory and vindicated by these emails. She sounds like she's crashing - and the reality is for an alcoholic -  that may be what it takes.

At the same time, I'd do wonder "do you have any compassion" for this family? Do you want to give her some closure?

[13YearGoodbye]

At the same time, I'd do wonder "do you have any compassion" for this family?

Skip: Thanks for asking.

I feel immense compassion for her 23 year old son who is living with her and suffering through the abuse that I was previously shielding him from. That's my biggest regret about leaving. And I feel sorrow that she is destroying herself, but I have no control over that, and I never did. (Well, I had slight control over her weight when I was cooking for her.) I feel compassion for her other children who may lose their mother in the near future. I don't know what physical acts I can do which would help her children. I've tried in the past to address the BPD with the kids. She wrote that she told them about my claim that she hadn't been sober in months. I sometimes wonder if a letter to her doctor would help... .I'd welcome examples of how to ease the burden on the kids.

Do you want to give her some closure?

What would closure look like? I mean in physical acts from me... .What could I say or do that would bring closure? Is closure even possible for her? How could I go about it without triggering more rages, and more emails, and more blackness?

Sometimes I daydream about chatting with her like in old times. I daydream about just being friends.  But those seem like imaginary fantasies, and not like something that really happened. The reality is that even the best of times were tainted by an undertone of abuse.

[disillusionedandsore]

Hi 13year goodbye,

I have enjoyed reading your story and following your process of detachment.  I can relate to the whole experience of being bewildered by their state of mind at the end.  I too felt like I had said everything,  done everything I possibly could to help my ex and in the finish I concluded that trying to change him was not loving,  complaining to him about how unhappy I was  was futile (even a form of madness of my own) , and that the kindest thing to do for all concerned was to let him go. 

Absolutely devastating process severing  the ties. I have a lot of admiration for your openess,  honesty and courage in sharing here. I'm 15 months out,  11 months NC.  I too counted the hours and the days in the beginning.  I understand the need to gain some ground,  clear the head and get some perspective.  Thanks for keeping us informed of your progress.  Your story is helping me,  even this far 'out' and I appreciate you taking the time to articulate your thoughts,  feelings and experiences.  Well done

[13YearGoodbye]

I found a letter that I wrote 12 years ago, about a year after I started living with my recent X.  I feel hyper sad about reading that old letter to my father, because things are essentially the same today as they were way back then. Oh well, I had some success mitigating the screaming for the youngest. And I nurtured the kids physically, even if they had a lot of chaos in their relationship with their mother.  Edited to remove names... .

------

Dear Dad (and wife);

The primary reason i'm not participating very much in the

family mailing list is that I don't feel very well

emotionally or physically. For the last year, I have

had more colds, and nasal stuffiness, and sore throats

than in the previous 20 years all put together. It

drags me down. It's just so hard to find the ambition.

___ and her kids fight with each other for hours

and days at a time, and even when they are not outright

fighting they are nasty to each other.

It wears me down. I think often about running away,

but I am still here. My friends say I must be

getting something out of it... .I just don't

know that running away would help me be any happier,

though it might resolve the stuffiness issue. There

are two dogs and two cats here, and the four filthiest

people I have ever lived with, so I think that contributes

to not feeling well physically.

It took me a couple days to write to you because

I often feel like hiding my activities from ____

so that she won't cuss me out. I so liked the idea

of living closer to home, but I've saw you less in

the last year than when I lived in (1800 miles away),

and that makes me cry.

When I was young, you built a pine chest for me to

store my valuables in. I remember that as one of the

most precious things anyone ever did for me, because

it gave me my own space. I need to find my own space

again, perhaps not physically, but emotionally.

Love,

_____

[13YearGoodbye]

Regarding closure: I've really been enjoying the thread, "Message in a Bottle: the things you WANT to say to your ex". After reading each post I think, "Wow, I'd really like to write that to her." Sadly, I don't think that any of the ideas presented would bring any closure to her.

[hurting300]

Regarding closure: I've really been enjoying the thread, "Message in a Bottle: the things you WANT to say to your ex". After reading each post I think, "Wow, I'd really like to write that to her." Sadly, I don't think that any of the ideas presented would bring any closure to her.

Do the right thing. And send that woman at a letter explaining things.

[13YearGoodbye]

I really think that there is nothing to explain. She's the one that told me right after I moved in with her that she has BPD. When she visited urgent care for alcohol poisoning, a few months before I left, she admited to being an alcoholic. She constantly b___ed about me choices in fashion, and food, and friends, etc, and admited to it a few times.

She is currently in denial about all of the above.

What could I say?

Can't write that I left to protect myself.

Can't write that I left because she is an alcoholic.

Can't write that I left because of the BPD.

Can't write that I left becaue of the b___ing.

Those sorts of things would only trigger dysregulation rages.

Can't write that I left because I wanted peace.

Can't write that I left because other people showed me that peace is possible.

Can't write that I left because I didn't want to take care of an alcoholic in her last months.

Those would only trigger dysregulation rages.

I'm unwilling to say "I'm sorry", or anything remotely akin to it. I am not sorry. I am thrilled to be gone. I ghosted because I felt like it was the only option open to me. I would do it again.

Perhaps a lie? Hmmm... .Tell her that I've met a gay lover that loves me better than anyone ever has before. That'd really trigger a dysregulation rage. And give her something to talk about to distract her from her real problems. Maybe she'd be so pissed at me that she'd never write or talk about me again!

I suppose that not writing triggers fewer disregulation rages than writing.

I still intend to leave it alone... .I've spent weeks honestly considering what I could write. I can't come up with a single thing. I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it. 

[Beacher]

I remember when my brother in law walked out and didn't come back to my bipolar sister. It was the only way he could do it. He felt terrible and had many moments of doubt but that is normal, don't beat yourself up. Unfortunately he did not think ahead like you did and she threw out everything- even old family pictures that he treasured. Maybe you can try contacting the kids yourself just to say hi? You are very brave! Enjoy your new found serenity

[13YearGoodbye]

Beacher: Thanks. I'm pretty sure that I'll never send an explanation. I went no contact to protect myself. I expect to continue protecting myself. Two of the kids are boycotting me. Two are being civil.

Here's a letter, prepared for my amusement only, not with intent to send it to her.

I'm going my own way now. Nobody owns me.  The good times couldn't make up for the bad.

[13YearGoodbye]

I started documenting my journey out of a relationship with an uBPD sufferer at:

Someday I'll Just Have To Walk Away.

It's been 157 days since I left precipitously. I have remained No Contact. Every month or so, she sends me an email. But they are getting so boring and repetitive that there there isn't much point even reading them. It was about 8 days before I bothered to read the last one she sent. They have certainly lost their ability to get me upset. The most recent was full of blame because I'm not taking care of all the things that I used to take care of for her.

Woo Hoo! I'm not in the FOG any more.

I am resigned to my stuff being lost to me. The things that are most important are being replaced. The peace and tranquility that fills my life today is worth any lost stuff. I'm a public figure, so she is using my writings to cyber-stalk me so she can include things I've written (not about her) in her emails to try to belittle me and make me feel bad about myself. Whatever. That is so old by now that I just shake my head. If I replace the word "you" in her emails with "I", it pretty much gets to what is really going on.

I'm not dating anyone, or even looking to date. I really love the peace and tranquility. It's really nice that I don't have a TV. Without a TV, and a partner with BPD there is nobody to coerce me, under threat of dysregulation, to watch programming.

I'm struggling financially because I was a stay at home dad, so that I could raise her kids. And the economy these days ain't exactly stellar. Oh well, I get to work through that.

It's winter. I miss a warm body next to me in bed. A raging warm body is still a warm body. And the silent treatment is like a reward to an introvert.

I'm enjoying friends, and family, and good food. Things which were mostly denied to me while I was with her.

I play the games of wish-I-woulda, and why-didn't-I. They aren't productive for me. I brought a lot of peace into her life, and especially into the lives of her children, so I take comfort in that, even if they don't acknowledge my contribution to their well-being.

I've lost weight, and am back to "normal" weight. I feel great. People are telling me that I look great.

[13YearGoodbye]

She sent another eMail... .Nastiest one yet. Totally unrelated to any sort of objective reality as I experienced it... .I continue to not respond to them. Silly me for reading it... .

So I went to the trouble of learning how to use my email reader to automatically delete any message from her, and to scrub it from the disk at the same time. So that any future messages won't end up in a junk folder where I might see them. Then I searched my hard drive, and deleted her photos, and all previous emails.

I am done. Her emails are abusive, and not just a little. I intend to protect myself from them.