I'll have to just walk away one day without warning...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

13 years ago, I make the choice to become involved with a BPD woman. She was a fair maiden in distress. I was a knight in shining armor ready, willing, and able to help... . She gave me the book: "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder".

I had previously chosen to marry a woman with a ":)ry Alcoholic" personality, and had just broken up with a bipolar woman, whom I didn't technically date or have a romantic relationship with, but it would have been nice... .(Emotionally, it still would, even though she is unavailable now due to marrying her X, and hopefully I have learned my lesson by now.)

So I raised her kids, and brought a lot of peace and tranquility to the family. Problem is, the kids are grown up now, and the only one left at home is graduated from a trade school, and has a good job, so I no longer feel obliged to stay for the children, except that I feel a kinship for them because I (partially) raised them, and I fear that I'll never see them again if I abandon their mother... .Who has enough abandonment issues to deal with already... .

I don't feel any need to describe the behaviors... .Anyone that has been in a relationship with a BPD knows them all too well, and those that haven't may not be capable of understanding the scope of the issues. To me the most surreal is the unstable memories... .Makes any conversation about something that has happened in the past impossible.

I used to think that the self-sabotage part of the BPD diagnosis didn't apply to my woman... .But she has taken up drinking now (150 ounces of 80 proof vodka last weekend), and it seems like every interaction she has with me is designed to sabotage our relationship.

I tried to leave the first time a few weeks after we met. That didn't work out well for me. Neither did the next 2 times... .Though the last time I managed to mostly leave for 6 months. She is chronically ill now from alcoholism... .How can I abandon a sick lady? In any case, the alcoholism seems easier to deal with than the BPD. Slurred words and sleeping all day is easier on my psyche than constant belittlement or raging.

I suspect that in order to leave successfully that I'll have to just walk away one day without warning, and never look back. So many cool gadgets that I've collected... .So hard to decide what things I can just abandon. Cause once I finally go away next time, I can't ever contact her again. Not a text. Not a phone call. Not an eMail. Not a visit. I've been moving stuff out for years, but at some point, I just gotta stop. (Unless I like the challenge too much... I can't even imagine how boring a stable/healthy person would be to live with.)

Of course I don't have a job, or a vehicle, because I was a full-time caretaker for my woman and her kids. So where does that leave me? A 50 year old loser living with my mother?

Blah! Anyway, thanks for a great forum. I look forward to studying many of the techniques and recommendations in more detail. Here's wishing that I had discovered this forum or one like it many years ago.

[13YearGoodbye]

13 years ago, I make the choice to become involved with a BPD woman. She was a fair maiden in distress. I was a knight in shining armor ready, willing, and able to help... . She gave me the book: "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder".

I had previously chosen to marry a woman with a ":)ry Alcoholic" personality, and had just broken up with a bipolar woman, whom I didn't technically date or have a romantic relationship with, but it would have been nice... .(Emotionally, it still would, even though she is unavailable now due to marrying her X, and hopefully I have learned my lesson by now.)

So I raised her kids, and brought a lot of peace and tranquility to the family. Problem is, the kids are grown up now, and the only one left at home is graduated from a trade school, and has a good job, so I no longer feel obliged to stay for the children, except that I feel a kinship for them because I (partially) raised them, and I fear that I'll never see them again if I abandon their mother... .Who has enough abandonment issues to deal with already... .

I don't feel any need to describe the behaviors... .Anyone that has been in a relationship with a BPD knows them all too well, and those that haven't may not be capable of understanding the scope of the issues. To me the most surreal is the unstable memories... .Makes any conversation about something that has happened in the past impossible.

I used to think that the self-sabotage part of the BPD diagnosis didn't apply to my woman... .But she has taken up drinking now (150 ounces of 80 proof vodka last weekend), and it seems like every interaction she has with me is designed to sabotage our relationship.

I tried to leave the first time a few weeks after we met. That didn't work out well for me. Neither did the next 2 times... .Though the last time I managed to mostly leave for 6 months. She is chronically ill now from alcoholism... .How can I abandon a sick lady? In any case, the alcoholism seems easier to deal with than the BPD. Slurred words and sleeping all day is easier on my psyche than constant belittlement or raging.

I suspect that in order to leave successfully that I'll have to just walk away one day without warning, and never look back. So many cool gadgets that I've collected... .So hard to decide what things I can just abandon. Cause once I finally go away next time, I can't ever contact her again. Not a text. Not a phone call. Not an eMail. Not a visit. I've been moving stuff out for years, but at some point, I just gotta stop. (Unless I like the challenge too much... I can't even imagine how boring a stable/healthy person would be to live with.)

Of course I don't have a job, or a vehicle, because I was a full-time caretaker for my woman and her kids. So where does that leave me? A 50 year old loser living with my mother?

Blah! Anyway, thanks for a great forum. I look forward to studying many of the techniques and recommendations in more detail. Here's wishing that I had discovered this forum or one like it many years ago.

[Skip]

I suspect that in order to leave successfully that I'll have to just walk away one day without warning, and never look back. So many cool gadgets that I've collected... .So hard to decide what things I can just abandon. Cause once I finally go away next time, I can't ever contact her again. Not a text. Not a phone call. Not an eMail. Not a visit. I've been moving stuff out for years, but at some point, I just gotta stop. (Unless I like the challenge too much... I can't even imagine how boring a stable/healthy person would be to live with.)

You sound very frustrated... .did something happen or has this been building?

[13YearGoodbye]

Skip: I tried to run away many times. The last few year's she has been drinking, more and more heavily all the time. Her current consumption is about 33 ounces of vodka per day. Topped off with Kava Kava. She is often falling down drunk or stoned. Can't speak without slurring, or walk, or drive to work. Getting injured in the falls.  How's that for self destructive behavior?

The alcohol dis-inhibits her, so her emotions are even more dis-regulated and erratic.  Today I told her that I wouldn't make a phone call for her. She raged a terrible nasty rage: Telling me how horribly I was betraying her, etc, etc, etc. Fortunately it was via phone. So I went home, parked the vehicle in the driveway, dropped my cell phone and camera on the cabinet, grabbed two boxes of the most precious things that I hadn't already hauled off, then got in a friends truck and escaped. I am not going back. I will allow no-contact. Sorry that it has to be that way, but... .

I'm 4 hours NC so far!

[13YearGoodbye]

5 days so far with no contact... .She sends a couple eMails per day. I don't respond. She texted my sister-in-law at 5 in the morning. SIL didn't respond.

The most recent email was begging me to "come home". Thing is, it's never been my home. I've always been a guest or a visitor. Even after 13 years together she hadn't made room in the bedroom dresser for me to put my pants and socks. I only would have needed 1 of the 6 drawers. 

I became aware in recent months of the term "gaslighting". It's a term derived from a movie in which an evil husband turns the gas-lights down a little bit lower each night, and when his wife asks about it he says, "They look the same as always to me", until she eventually goes crazy... .My BPD sufferer would say things to me like, "You over salted the vegetables". Problem with that is that it was her that put the salt on the vegetables.

[itgirl]

You made the right decision to leave after that ordeal.  You gave a good update about how your ex is doing/behaving.  What are you up to?  How you feeling?

[sirius]

I am in a 13 years relationship too, seems you are very brave in doing this. I couldnt do it and the relationship ended when she walked out. I tried several times and i didnt know what i was dealing with and always got recycled. I only found out what was BPD or PD one month after I am out and it all makes sense of her behaviour.

You are really brave and I know its very hard to do it, stay strong.

[sas1729]

Wow. Congratulations man. What you did is very difficult. Congratulations on protecting yourself and your needs!

[13YearGoodbye]

35 days no contact so far... .

Well, she sent me a 20 paragraph long email today, telling me how I love playing the martyr role, and how I resented her, and how toxic I am, and how everyone that knows both of us is astonished and ashamed by my actions, and how I was always distancing myself, and not providing affection, and how I left the house and the yard a mess, and how I never did anything around the house, or the yard, and how the orchard was terribly neglected, and how hateful my words were, and how I betrayed her, and how she was the anchor in our relationship, and how she suffered because I stayed home to raise her kids for her, and that it was a red flag that she called me 'husband' while I called her 'girlfriend', and how I'm now dead, and how she's going to die very soon, and that my phone has been disconnected, and how she's deleted my family's numbers from her phone, and how much she is crying and hurting, and how everything I had was given to me by her, and how disgusted the kids are with me, and how I implied this or that about her, and how worried my friends are for her, and how uncommitted I always was, and how divided my loyalties always were, and how I want people to worship and adore me, and how I am at the center of a world full of wide-eyed blind worshipers, and how I wasn't providing emotional support therefore it was ok for her to withhold intimacy, and  how I want everyone to think that I am 'the most' organized and methodical person because of my occupation, and how much chaos I left behind that it will take a whole neighborhood to clean up, and how all the neighbors are shaking their heads at me, and that she is dying from a death sentence just like her father, mother, brothers, and sister, and how resentful I felt towards her, and what a burden I thought she was, and how abusive her mother was to her father, and how disappointed her doctors are in me, and how messed up my mother is so that makes me messed up, and how her skin is coming apart, and saying that she doesn't want to die slowly like her father, and how compassionate one of my friends and her father were, and she assigned me a new name, and described how I ceased to exist by slowly and methodically destroying myself, and how she mourns and laments because I have died, just like her family.

Blah. Don't worry, I am not going to respond. There is nothing to say. I can't envision any good that would accrue to her or to me by having any further interaction. I have already written off my tools and winter clothing.

In the 35 days since I ran away, I have only been b___ed at twice, and both times were by strangers on the street. So no worries... .A lady's dog attacked me because she was letting it run loose, so I hissed at it and scared it off. She threatened to call the cops on me. And there was a man that was just a generally grumpy man that probably snarks at everyone that walks past his yard.

I have been enjoying visiting with friends and family. I've been biking or walking to get places. I sure am getting fit and trim. I've been eating great food with lots of spices. I don't have to eat or drink things any more that I don't want to just to try to keep the peace. I am styling my hair how I like it to be styled. I am wearing clothes that I want to wear. I don't have to prepare explanations to account for every minute of my time. Every member of my current household washes dishes, and cooks meals, and weeds the garden, and mows the lawn, and vacuums, and etc. Those are not my exclusive chores any more. I can visit family whenever I want.  I am not getting up 20 times per evening to fetch things for people. They get up and fetch their own things. The house is not piled floor to ceiling with stuff that hasn't been used in over a decade.  

None of the kids have written me. That hurts. If I couldn't help their mother, then they really can't help her, but they could at least stop telling her that she isn't an alcoholic.

It still sucks to have just walked away without warning or proper preparation. But I did the best I was able to do considering the circumstances.

The other day I was play-acting with a friend. We were pretend b___ing at each other like our borderline Xs used to b___ at us. I had to stop that immediately. It induced so much stress that I got a charlie-horse in my back... .

Anyway, thanks for letting me  rant... .It seems so surreal to take a 20 paragraph message and condense it down to one long run-on sentence. I can shake my head at the condensed version.

My mantras recently have been:

I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it.

I love and completely accept myself, even if ________________.

[13YearGoodbye]

My feelings vary from day to day, and hour to hour... .

Sometimes I feel angry at her that she knew since before she met me that she suffers from BPD and as far as I can tell did nothing to try to resolve it other than give me a book about BPD (Stop Walking on Eggshells). I feel angry regarding her denial of drinking too much.

I had a panic attack the other night because I dreamed that I called her up just to chat. I was way upset with myself for even entertaining the idea. Chatting didn't help before, it especially won't help now.

Sometimes I feel angry at myself, for questioning my sanity, and for wondering if I really did the right thing. I think of myself as moderate and measured. I like habitual behaviors. The sudden change in circumstances is unsettling to me. I don't know what to do with myself.

I feel bad, wondering if I'm too messed up to see the horrible wrong I have inflicted on her.

I miss chatting on the phone about our daily activities. I miss the daily routine.

I feel hope about the future for the first time in ages.

I feel sad about the shattered hopes and dreams. I feel sad about the kids, and especially about the one that is still at home. He's an adult, but he'll end up bearing the brunt of whatever fall-out there is from my leaving.

I feel content about the friends and family that have offered comfort and condolences and given of their time to help me adjust. I am enjoying the freedom to be myself. I've made a point of meeting lots of new people. That feels good.

I am being hyper-cautious about screening people I meet, and running the other way as quick as possible if I detect the slightest thought  that they might need to be rescued.

[13YearGoodbye]

37 days so far with no contact. So far, so good.

I was invited to lunch at a friend's house the other day. She and another friend were fixing a meal together. I laid on the floor in the other room and listened... .They were chatting about the meal,

":)o you think garlic would go good in this?",

"Oh Yes! and how about a bay leaf?",

"Certainly, but not those, I have a special variety from India.",

"Marvelous!".

"How about some beans?"

"They give me too much gas."

"Ok. let's skip the beans then."

And it went like that for a good hour as they decided on ingredients and chopped them, and chose spices, and etc... .It was a soothing cadence of joy and peaceful cooperation... .

With my BPB sufferer conversations about fixing food usually went something like:

"Can I put an onion into the soup I'm making?"

"You never listen to me, I told you I hate onions."

"How about some salt?"

"You always oversalt everything!"

"OK. I'll leave the salt out."

"Then the food doesn't taste right."

"How about if you salt the soup?"

"You always make me do all the cooking."

So I'm grateful for good friends, that show me that the way I have lived for the past 13 years is not the way it has to be. It is very possible to live in harmony with those around me.

[13YearGoodbye]

Tonight I read one of the lessons about "No Contact". Thank you to all that initiated and contributed to the lesson. I feel like I have been misleading myself, which means I have been misleading you. I apologize for that... .I have been saying that we were no contact, but she's sent some eMails that I have read, but not replied to. My bad... .If I had been truly no contact, then I wouldn't have read the emails. Reading them just upset me, and caused stress and charlie horses, and I became sleepless. And with stress and sleeplessness for a few nights I felt like I was coming down with a flu which caused even more stress.

This morning I added her known email addresses to my spam filters. Perhaps that will help.

There is no good that can come to me from reading any further messages that she might send, or that she might send through a proxy. We couldn't even successfully discuss how to make meals, why should I continue to hope that anything more important could be discussed?

There is no good that can come to her from continued contact, because every problem is always and forever my fault.

[hurting300]

Sir, you never responded. Your no contact. I think you should respond politely and let her know something. I'm sorry your hurt and I know this is a confusing time. We're here to help.

[enlighten me]

Sometimes we are in a place where we need not to see, hear or know about them to heal. Yes reading the emails isn't technically no contact but its pretty close.

Is there much chance of you running into your ex?

[13YearGoodbye]

Is there much chance of you running into your ex?

I'm currently living 25 miles from my ex. Her work and habitual shopping places are in the opposite direction of my place and my work... .So casual contact is highly unlikely.

However, in the past when I've ran away I've went to my mother's, and she has shown up there to beg/coerce/bribe me back. She may assume I followed the same pattern, and I may assume that she will. I still work in the same places.

In the past when I ran away I still answered my phone. This time I got a different phone number and haven't published it or shared it with anyone that she knows. I sometimes think that I should tell her son-in-law, but I haven't. I don't want to burden him... .But I so want to tell my side of the story... .I studied BPD extensively for many years... .I couldn't help her. I barely managed to help myself. Her kids are in denial about her condition, and I don't think anything I could say to them would help.

When her ex husband ran away she ran over him with her car. I work outdoors.  I've scouted out all the places that I commonly visit, and planned escape routes from all of them that take me cross country or over fences where she can't follow in a vehicle. I'm training in sprinting so that she can't follow on foot.

I wonder if she will ever be sober enough to drive a vehicle again?

Sometimes I chide myself for being overly-paranoid, and for planning for scenarios that may never happen. But then I reflect on how things were and say, "If she'd rage over how I comb my hair, then there is no telling what she might rage about."

[enlighten me]

Yes it might seem paranoid but if she has done it before then she could do it again. Better safe than sorry.

I can understand you not wanting to talk to her. Just getting up the courage to leave is hard enough without having to face them and explain yourself. Especially if like my ex you don't know whether your coming or going and they can twist your words so by the end of it you haven't got a clue what you want.

How do you feel about giving her closure?

[13YearGoodbye]

enlighten me: Thanks for asking... .

I sure know the feeling of twisted words, and questioning if I am the one that is causing the chaos... .One time when I left we quarreled by eMail. That was glorious to me, because it left a paper record of what was actually said. Re-reading the messages a few years later gave me clarity that my memory really is stable and consistent.

I don't think that any sort of closure is possible for her... .I can't tell her that I left because she has borderline personality. I can't tell her that I left because her alcoholism magnifies the borderline traits. She would deny both... .I can't tell her that I left because her constant belittling comments became unacceptable to me. She'd just say that if I can't handle the bad then I don't deserve the good. Or that she never belittles me that she just gives constructive feedback and that I'm hyper-sensitive because my mother was borderline. Or that I was having an affair.

I was getting along passably with BPD and might have stayed for the rest of her life if she hadn't become an alcoholic... .My general feeling was that the alcohol was a day-to-day choice. It was less easy to forgive her for that than for the borderline. I acknowledge that not attempting to heal from the borderline is also a choice. She knew before I met her that she had BPD.

Communication with her is just so crazy and so disconnected from reality that nothing that I could write to her would be understood the way I intended. Perhaps one of these days I'll write a letter to her, but it will be delivered to a bonfire, and not via post.

[enlighten me]

Sometimes its good to put it all down on paper even though you will never send it.

For me all I told my ex was that "It wasn't working and for both our sakes I think it is better if we split up".

I like you realised that whatever I said would be thrown back at me and twisted and would leave me feeling worse off.

Im sorry if asking that question upset you in any way. Its just that for me letting her know it was over was one of many steps to me disconnecting from her and moving on with my life.

EM

[13YearGoodbye]

Enlighten Me: No worries about upsetting me... .I'm going through an upsetting time of life, and this forum and your questions in particular help me to make sense of it. I especially value the advice and questions of people that are well into the healing process. I also love reading posts from people who are still enmeshed in the chaos. I smile because I was there a month ago, and now I'm not. Their posts give me hope that things can get better, both for me and for them.

[enlighten me]

There is hope and it does get better. Take it from someone who didn't learn the first time around so found himself another pwBPD.

Its baby steps and theres no quick fix but slow and steady wins the race.

Keep posting and reading it was one of the biggest helps I had.

EM

[13YearGoodbye]

Day 44 of no contact.

This morning I felt like cyber-stalking my X. Just to see if she is still posting rude comments to her favorite political commentary web site. I resisted the urge, but was hard on myself for the wish. Spent the rest of the day grumpy... .

[13YearGoodbye]

49 days with no contact... .

I went to a party a couple of days ago, and a guy was hitting on me the whole night. He invited me home with him. I declined his offer. The attention was nice, but I'm enjoying peace these days. Don't feel like adding drama to my life.

Nobody has coerced me, under threat of dysregulation, into watching a TV show for 49 days now. That is a glorious thing to me. In my ideal world, my home would not have a television in it. In the home of my pwBPD the TV was on 7 hours per day... .

[cyclistIII]

Gaslighting is my new favorite word! I learned it a few weeks ago, shortly after my ex acted like I was a clingy psycho for calling him even though he was the one who'd insisted we had to stay friends after the break-up. A friend said, "He's gaslighting you!" and then had to explain it to me because I'd never heard it before, but since then I feel like it's popped up somewhere at least once a week. Good word. (And I had seen the movie, so I totally got it.)

[EmptyShell]

I walked away one day without warning.  It's the only way I could leave.  I'M SO GLAD I DID.  I didn't even text him goodbye or leave a letter.  I didn't tell him where I was going, nothing.  I left while he was at work.  Once he found out about 8 hours later, he threatened to kill himself.  He emailed me, text and called every day for the first 2 weeks, begging me to come back, that he couldn't live without me and how sorry he was for everything.  He begged me to tell him where I was and he accused me of finding a new boyfriend and living with him.  So even after I left him, he was still accusing me of cheating on him.  I never called him like he wanted and he still doesn't know where I am.  He was stalking me on Yelp and since I reviewed restaurants we never went to together, he accused me of having a new boyfriend.  He was stalking me on dating sites and Facebook.  He hasn't emailed me in about 4 days so hopefully he has realized I'm not coming back this time.

[pallavirajsinghani]

I can't even imagine how boring a stable/healthy person would be to live with.)

I am a Non-married to a Non.  I think that the relationship is more like two people walking hand in hand to offer each other comfort, harmony, sense of safety and companionship.

Our sources of "excitement" and "rush" are NOT each other, but events, ideas, things outside of us.  His is music and motorcycles, mine is books. (Planning to go back to school for a Ph.D. just for the fun of it when kids are out of the house.)

So the last thing we want from each other is "stimulation"... .to the contrary, what we want from each other is comfort.  Our "stimulation" comes from concerts, theater, traveling... .things we do together.

I thought that I'd share an alternative perspective with you.

It is life that is a drama... .it should not be our partners who should be a drama... .because the former stimulates and sustains us, the latter destroys us.

[hurting300]

I walked away one day without warning.  It's the only way I could leave.  I'M SO GLAD I DID.  I didn't even text him goodbye or leave a letter.  I didn't tell him where I was going, nothing.  I left while he was at work.  Once he found out about 8 hours later, he threatened to kill himself.  He emailed me, text and called every day for the first 2 weeks, begging me to come back, that he couldn't live without me and how sorry he was for everything.  He begged me to tell him where I was and he accused me of finding a new boyfriend and living with him.  So even after I left him, he was still accusing me of cheating on him.  I never called him like he wanted and he still doesn't know where I am.  He was stalking me on Yelp and since I reviewed restaurants we never went to together, he accused me of having a new boyfriend.  He was stalking me on dating sites and Facebook.  He hasn't emailed me in about 4 days so hopefully he has realized I'm not coming back this time.

You should have left a letter.

[13YearGoodbye]

You should have left a letter.

During the course of our relationship, I sent hundreds of texts and emails, explaining how some facet of why the relationship wasn't working for me. Every one of them only made matters worse. I can't envision any way in which a final letter would have helped me or helped her. Anything I wrote in it would have been used as an excuse for painting me blacker. The mere fact of writing a letter would have been used to enlighten her  acquaintances and family about what a coward I am for not talking to her, and how weak and non-committed I am for running away in the first place. And what a betrayer I am for leaving a sick old woman to die.

She has known for 13 years that it wasn't working out for me, and she knew it was because of the BPD. She has known for the last few years that the alcohol was causing even more severe dysregulation and that it is killing her.

I can't envision any way that a letter would have helped. I left spontaneously in order to protect myself. The most important thing to me is that I escaped... .Why would I perform and act of kindness by writing a letter as a parting gift to someone that has caused so much pain and confusion to me over the years? I didn't need to write a letter for my own sake, and I certainly felt no duty to write one for her sake.

[hurting300]

You should have left a letter.

During the course of our relationship, I sent hundreds of texts and emails, explaining how some facet of why the relationship wasn't working for me. Every one of them only made matters worse. I can't envision any way in which a final letter would have helped me or helped her. Anything I wrote in it would have been used as an excuse for painting me blacker. The mere fact of writing a letter would have been used to enlighten her  acquaintances and family about what a coward I am for not talking to her, and how weak and non-committed I am for running away in the first place. And what a betrayer I am for leaving a sick old woman to die.

She has known for 13 years that it wasn't working out for me, and she knew it was because of the BPD. She has known for the last few years that the alcohol was causing even more severe dysregulation and that it is killing her.

I can't envision any way that a letter would have helped. I left spontaneously in order to protect myself. The most important thing to me is that I escaped... .Why would I perform and act of kindness by writing a letter as a parting gift to someone that has caused so much pain and confusion to me over the years? I didn't need to write a letter for my own sake, and I certainly felt no duty to write one for her sake.

Sir, with all due respect, you're more likely to be stalked as a result of you ghosting them. Trust me.

[13YearGoodbye]

Stalking is one of the lowest priority issues on my list of worries.  If I have the courage to walk away without leaving a letter, then I surely have the courage to walk away if I ever see her again in person. And so what if she cyber-stalks me? I had the courage to walk away, surely I have the courage to live a life of No Contact, regardless of what she is doing or not doing: regardless of any electronic messages she tries to send. To me, No Contact means that I don't think about her. I don't wonder about her. I don't pay attention to what she is fussing over, or who she is talking to. I don't fuss over what I might have done differently.

It doesn't help to tell "the escaped" after the fact what they "should" have done. A letter months after the fact isn't going to help, so no point fussing over woulda, coulda, shoulda. It was a bad experience and we escaped as best as we could. If they stalk us because we did something wrong, then we will again escape as best as we can. The error in judgment for me occurred 13 years ago when I got into the relationship. It didn't occur 51 days ago when I went full No Contact without leaving a letter behind.

[enlighten me]

Hi Hurting

I can understand your feelings on this matter as this is what your ex did to you when she left with your daughter.

I understand that it may be triggering for you to see others do it.

What you have to bear in mind is everyone is different. We cannot force our expectations on others. For some walking away without explanation is the only way they can get out. Just stopping to write a letter could be enough to prevent them from getting out.

Im not saying it is the right thing to do and Im not saying its wrong. Everyone has been through a similar ordeal but no two are identical.

Please bear this in mind.

EM

[Mutt]

You should have left a letter.

During the course of our relationship, I sent hundreds of texts and emails, explaining how some facet of why the relationship wasn't working for me. Every one of them only made matters worse. I can't envision any way in which a final letter would have helped me or helped her. Anything I wrote in it would have been used as an excuse for painting me blacker. The mere fact of writing a letter would have been used to enlighten her  acquaintances and family about what a coward I am for not talking to her, and how weak and non-committed I am for running away in the first place. And what a betrayer I am for leaving a sick old woman to die.

She has known for 13 years that it wasn't working out for me, and she knew it was because of the BPD. She has known for the last few years that the alcohol was causing even more severe dysregulation and that it is killing her.

I can't envision any way that a letter would have helped. I left spontaneously in order to protect myself. The most important thing to me is that I escaped... .Why would I perform and act of kindness by writing a letter as a parting gift to someone that has caused so much pain and confusion to me over the years? I didn't need to write a letter for my own sake, and I certainly felt no duty to write one for her sake.

Sir, with all due respect, you're more likely to be stalked as a result of you ghosting them. Trust me.

A pwBPD have different characteristics, traits, severity a long a continuum and not every person has the same personality and all react the same way?

I think we have choices with boundaries, a protective outward layer to protect our morales and values and we don't need to offer an explanation with our boundaries if we chose not to if hundreds of emails and texts have been sent?

You know her better than anyone on the boards 13YearGoodbye. I don't think that there's a right or wrong.