the suicide threat...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi guys thanks for this forum. It looks like a great place to get advice on BPD. I’m not sure if my partner in question has BPD but all signs point to yes… things were great when we first started last Christmas but then the constant messages on social media and text wouldn’t stop. She would repeat messages 20 or so times until I said “yes of course I love you” She was clingy, overbearing and controlling as I soon found out. She would ALWAYS wait for me outside work or the gym EVERY DAY.  When she went on holiday during month 2 she spent almost every day messaging my friends checking up on my whereabouts.  At times when I would say “goodbye” she would follow me and would see me with colleagues at a café and text me to say “hope you like that yummy hamburger. Those type of actions were disturbing for sure….

When she came back off holidays she already had plans for “joint bank accounts, moving in together which I thought was too much too soon. Then she has a heart condition, normally that wouldn’t affect somebody too much but she began to feign illness a LOT. If I didn’t do something right she would say I was “stressing” her heart condition out. She would claim migraines etc when I planned gatherings with my friends so she didn’t have to go.  In fact one night I was with friends and had 20+ missed calls, messages, voicemails etc about being “sick” and when I finally turned up she wasn’t sick, she only missed me. Then the impulsive phase started… I tried to get her to change but to no avail.  At first she was offering to pay for ALL the dinners, pay for all my bills and then I would go to her place only to find a new pair of Nike shoes or a GAP jacket waiting for me as a gift from her simply because she loved me not for any special occasions.  One day I couldn’t make it to church

Then my friends sat me down over coffee one day and told me about her overbearing behaviour and that it wasn’t healthy. One of them a psychology graduate suggested she get professional help or else things won’t work out. So when I confronted her about her behaviour she went psychotic and broke down, begged me not to leave her. So I stayed.  This went on and off again for a few weeks. Me trying to tell about her problems but she wouldn’t listen, she would break down when I tried to break up with her. So I kept giving up.

Anyway one thing led to another and after some disagreements she ended up blocking all of my friends off social media accounts. Turns out my mother started telling her about my friends and how they were “bad” influences which led her to take that action INSTEAD of telling me about what she had heard. 

This wanting to break up and not going through with it kept going on and on. I tried to be uninterested on dates, tried to “act” like I had bad habits to get her to end it instead but to no avail. Finally but one time I finally had it and after one MASSIVE argument I blocked her off social media and all my friends thought me and her were over. However she apologised days later and again I went back to her.  By now I knew this relationship was VERY TOXIC.  She then tried to end my own friendships. The people she had “blocked” on social media got unblocked and she started sending screenshots of all our conversations, text messages in an effort to convince them “me and her are together”. My friends didn’t buy into it though thankfully. The next day she spent the whole day calling me non stop while she was at work. She didn’t stop until I finally picked up and said “I love you” in front of my friends… so my friends gave me the ultimatum. It was either her or them. I didn’t want to hurt either of them but what choice did I have.

I sat her down once and for all I tried to end it that night after dinner. She was in my car though. She locked herself in and said “You either stay at my house OR WE drive back to your house”.  I was thinking of calling the authorities as all the neighbours could hear but instead of calling the police I gave up and stayed the night at her house. The whole night she was inconsolable. She said “I would die if I can’t have you” and the next day she almost did just that.  I took her to lunch as it was supposed to be our 5 month anniversary. As I tried to tell her to “move on” she simply started showing me ALL our photos together and we were both crying.

Once we walked out of the restaurant I tried to tell her to move on but instead she started running toward the road. She was running in FRONT of buses. I had to literally Restrain her to stop her and she didn’t stop at all until I relented and told her ‘Don’t kill yourself I still love you”. That didn’t help though. When she got home that day she showed me photos of HER and a KNIFE… she was so close to killing herself over me it was not funny. Lucky her house mates stopped her. I raced over to the house after work only to see her with the knife again ready to kill herself.

So I restrained her. I took the knife away. She wouldn’t stop though, she kept trying to get it. Kept Asking ME if I STILL LOVED HER. The situation was getting out of hand so I had to say I still loved her because I really did still love her but in reality I didn’t want to be with her.

And now this leads me to here. I know things can’t go on. She will do all it takes to keep me as long as possible. She said today “I hope you love me or else I will have no hope and I will end my life”. That’s where I am now… feeling sad and sorry for a helpless girl. Not wanting to hurt her feelings, but wanting to move on. How can I?  When should I call the paramedics/police? I know once I bring it up I need to have them within easy reach because I know she will only do it again… Please help me.

[chelseafc]

Hi guys thanks for this forum. It looks like a great place to get advice on BPD. I’m not sure if my partner in question has BPD but all signs point to yes… things were great when we first started last Christmas but then the constant messages on social media and text wouldn’t stop. She would repeat messages 20 or so times until I said “yes of course I love you” She was clingy, overbearing and controlling as I soon found out. She would ALWAYS wait for me outside work or the gym EVERY DAY.  When she went on holiday during month 2 she spent almost every day messaging my friends checking up on my whereabouts.  At times when I would say “goodbye” she would follow me and would see me with colleagues at a café and text me to say “hope you like that yummy hamburger. Those type of actions were disturbing for sure….

When she came back off holidays she already had plans for “joint bank accounts, moving in together which I thought was too much too soon. Then she has a heart condition, normally that wouldn’t affect somebody too much but she began to feign illness a LOT. If I didn’t do something right she would say I was “stressing” her heart condition out. She would claim migraines etc when I planned gatherings with my friends so she didn’t have to go.  In fact one night I was with friends and had 20+ missed calls, messages, voicemails etc about being “sick” and when I finally turned up she wasn’t sick, she only missed me. Then the impulsive phase started… I tried to get her to change but to no avail.  At first she was offering to pay for ALL the dinners, pay for all my bills and then I would go to her place only to find a new pair of Nike shoes or a GAP jacket waiting for me as a gift from her simply because she loved me not for any special occasions.  One day I couldn’t make it to church

Then my friends sat me down over coffee one day and told me about her overbearing behaviour and that it wasn’t healthy. One of them a psychology graduate suggested she get professional help or else things won’t work out. So when I confronted her about her behaviour she went psychotic and broke down, begged me not to leave her. So I stayed.  This went on and off again for a few weeks. Me trying to tell about her problems but she wouldn’t listen, she would break down when I tried to break up with her. So I kept giving up.

Anyway one thing led to another and after some disagreements she ended up blocking all of my friends off social media accounts. Turns out my mother started telling her about my friends and how they were “bad” influences which led her to take that action INSTEAD of telling me about what she had heard. 

This wanting to break up and not going through with it kept going on and on. I tried to be uninterested on dates, tried to “act” like I had bad habits to get her to end it instead but to no avail. Finally but one time I finally had it and after one MASSIVE argument I blocked her off social media and all my friends thought me and her were over. However she apologised days later and again I went back to her.  By now I knew this relationship was VERY TOXIC.  She then tried to end my own friendships. The people she had “blocked” on social media got unblocked and she started sending screenshots of all our conversations, text messages in an effort to convince them “me and her are together”. My friends didn’t buy into it though thankfully. The next day she spent the whole day calling me non stop while she was at work. She didn’t stop until I finally picked up and said “I love you” in front of my friends… so my friends gave me the ultimatum. It was either her or them. I didn’t want to hurt either of them but what choice did I have.

I sat her down once and for all I tried to end it that night after dinner. She was in my car though. She locked herself in and said “You either stay at my house OR WE drive back to your house”.  I was thinking of calling the authorities as all the neighbours could hear but instead of calling the police I gave up and stayed the night at her house. The whole night she was inconsolable. She said “I would die if I can’t have you” and the next day she almost did just that.  I took her to lunch as it was supposed to be our 5 month anniversary. As I tried to tell her to “move on” she simply started showing me ALL our photos together and we were both crying.

Once we walked out of the restaurant I tried to tell her to move on but instead she started running toward the road. She was running in FRONT of buses. I had to literally Restrain her to stop her and she didn’t stop at all until I relented and told her ‘Don’t kill yourself I still love you”. That didn’t help though. When she got home that day she showed me photos of HER and a KNIFE… she was so close to killing herself over me it was not funny. Lucky her house mates stopped her. I raced over to the house after work only to see her with the knife again ready to kill herself.

So I restrained her. I took the knife away. She wouldn’t stop though, she kept trying to get it. Kept Asking ME if I STILL LOVED HER. The situation was getting out of hand so I had to say I still loved her because I really did still love her but in reality I didn’t want to be with her.

And now this leads me to here. I know things can’t go on. She will do all it takes to keep me as long as possible. She said today “I hope you love me or else I will have no hope and I will end my life”. That’s where I am now… feeling sad and sorry for a helpless girl. Not wanting to hurt her feelings, but wanting to move on. How can I?  When should I call the paramedics/police? I know once I bring it up I need to have them within easy reach because I know she will only do it again… Please help me.

[Mike-X]

I am sorry about all that you are going through. Are you familiar with FOG (fear, obligation, & guilt) in relationships with people with BPD.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Also, you have posted in the undecided board, but it sounds as if you are wanting to end the relationship. Are you undecided?

[chelseafc]

I am sorry about all that you are going through. Are you familiar with FOG (fear, obligation, & guilt) in relationships with people with BPD.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Also, you have posted in the undecided board, but it sounds as if you are wanting to end the relationship. Are you undecided?

yes my apologies it should be that i want to leave ill post this message there instead

[Mike-X]

I am sorry about all that you are going through. Are you familiar with FOG (fear, obligation, & guilt) in relationships with people with BPD.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Also, you have posted in the undecided board, but it sounds as if you are wanting to end the relationship. Are you undecided?

yes my apologies it should be that i want to leave ill post this message there instead

I am sorry. I was trying to ask where you were mentally and emotionally with the relationship (leaving, undecided, vs staying). I wasn't meaning to sound if I was critiquing your posting in the Undecided/Staying section, and I am sorry if it came across that way.

Many who are new to the boards start posting in the "undecided" section. There is a lot to sort out when involved in a high-conflict relationship.

Have you read through the following links on leaving?

https://bpdfamily.org/2012/06/why-breaking-up-is-hard-to-do.html?m=1

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

[Lucky Jim]

Hey chelsea, To use a fishing analogy, it sounds like you have hooked a BPD SO and now have no idea how to get her off your line?  Mike's right about the F-O-G.  Though you may think your problem is unique, many of us here have been in similar situations w/BPD SO's.  Threats of suicide from a pwBPD are far more common than you might think.  My BPDxW threatened to take her life at least 15 times.  If it happens again, suggest you call 911.  You have no training to help in the event of a suicide threat which, in my view, is best left to professionals.

LuckyJim

[chelseafc]

I am sorry about all that you are going through. Are you familiar with FOG (fear, obligation, & guilt) in relationships with people with BPD.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Also, you have posted in the undecided board, but it sounds as if you are wanting to end the relationship. Are you undecided?

yes my apologies it should be that i want to leave ill post this message there instead

I am sorry. I was trying to ask where you were mentally and emotionally with the relationship (leaving, undecided, vs staying). I wasn't meaning to sound if I was critiquing your posting in the Undecided/Staying section, and I am sorry if it came across that way.

Many who are new to the boards start posting in the "undecided" section. There is a lot to sort out when involved in a high-conflict relationship.

Have you read through the following links on leaving?

https://bpdfamily.org/2012/06/why-breaking-up-is-hard-to-do.html?m=1

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

oh yes in answer to the question is that yes I must leave. Its not just for me but its because those around me are being affected by the persons actions... .and @lucky jim yes i was told to call the paramedics /police its 000 where l live if she attempts suicide. Next time I bring it up with her l may have to simply  let the authorities do their job and walk away

[Ihope2]

What a ghastly situation to be in, but a lot of us here have been in that type of situation.

I know that general advice when it comes to suicidal individuals is to "help preserve life at all costs", but in my personal opinion from my difficult experiences with my ex BPD husband, when it comes to suicide threats and acts, it is that you are being hooked in the only most desperate and manipulative way that a person with BPD knows how.  To play with threats and indeed go through the actions of carrying out those threats to harm themselves and end their own life!

In my experience, I just had to walk away and distance myself.  It was the most terrible experience of my life, as I had totally bought into his game that his life depended on me and only me.  I am sure in the year that we have now been divorced and apart, he has tried this with other women.

The kindest thing you can do is walk away and detach, detach, detach yourself from this toxic dynamic.  And if you are able to involve emergency medical care for her while she harms herself, that is one last act of compassion that you can extend to her.

[Lucky Jim]

The kindest thing you can do is walk away and detach, detach, detach yourself from this toxic dynamic.  And if you are able to involve emergency medical care for her while she harms herself, that is one last act of compassion that you can extend to her.

Well said, Ihope2.  Indeed, threat of suicide is in some ways the ultimate manipulation, not to mention a desperate cry for help.  99% of the time it's just crying wolf, yet that other 1% really got to me.  It's hard not to imagine a terrible scenario.  Twice I went to the local hospital's behavioral health unit to seek help when my BPDxW was making suicide threats.  I was scared of what could happen.  They suggested the usual things, therapy, possible medication, etc., yet the bottom line is that its really hard to stop someone if they refuse professional help and decide to carry it out.  Don't hesitate to call 911, Chelsea, which I gather is 000 where you live.

LuckyJim

LuckyJim