Got drunk broke NC again

[bunnyrabit]

So I got pretty drunk last night and when I got home I called my ex and guess what apparently she's mad at me. The memory's a bit hazy but as I recall it she picked up but didn't speak to me. Lol how effing weird is that? Then don't pick up at all... .This annoyed me of course so I kept calling her back and after a while she put one of her lowlife friends  on the phone. After that I sent her some pretty foul texts. Probably not my finest moment but ah well, serves her right.

unbelievable this girl, after the way she treated me she has the audacity to be mad at me, omfg. I think she wants to get back at me for going NC on her a$$. Lol like I give a flying f***. I can't really tell why but after this I feel strangely relieved, like something changed in me. In fact, despite my hangover I feel pretty f***ing great. I feel a lust for life I haven't felt in long time and it's awesome. I think I might actually be over her, yay!

Anyway not sure why I'm posting this I guess I wanted to write this of me. Wishing all of you a lot of strength. Hang in there people, it does get better and when it does it's better than ever!

[once removed]

hey bunnyrabit,

my first question is, was it really the fault of alcohol that you feel is why you contacted her?

[bunnyrabit]

  Good question. The answer would be no. The alcohol certainly had a part in it as it drastically lowered my impuls control but if I was completely over her or not thinking about her anymore I wouldn't have made that call. And indeed the weeks preceding this I was again having these ever present, intrusive, obsessive and utterly depressing thoughts about her, the breakup... .I tried to fight it but the more I tried the worse it got, hence the drinking.

I've never been cheated on before and so had no idea how to deal with the overwhelming feelings it triggered. A mixture of sadness, anger, despair, disbelief, helplessness, very powerful stuff. Looking back I wish I could have dealt with this more maturely. My first impulse was to go NC completely but there certainly was an aspect of wanting to hurt her back. That's very childish and doesn't help one bit in the recovery. I drunken broke NC a few times now and everytime the obsessive thoughts were building up like the pressure in a pressure cooker. Everytime after the contact, however humiliating or unpleasant it was I felt so much lighter. Now again how she handled this incident with a complete lack of remorse, empathy or integrity, like it's all a big joke to her, just makes me realise that I'm so much better off without her. It seems so much simpler now.

So in conclusion I learned that pride, stubbornness can keep you very much stuck in recovery and that NC is something to be careful with and should be used for the right reasons otherwise you're just fooling yourself.

[neverloveagain]

Lol like I give a flying f***.

Oh but you do right?.

[once removed]

hey bunnyrabit,

thats some great self awareness, and honesty. good for you.

these breakups are tough stuff, i dont need to tell you that. im sorry about the cheating. i was cheated on too, and wasnt fully aware of it until after the breakup; it was a shock to my system.

"And indeed the weeks preceding this I was again having these ever present, intrusive, obsessive and utterly depressing thoughts about her, the breakup... .I tried to fight it but the more I tried the worse it got, hence the drinking."

can you elaborate on what you mean by trying to fight it? trying to will away uncomfortable thoughts and feelings or push them away doesnt usually work. dont run. in this case, "the only way out is through" very much applies. have you worked through the lessons on this board, and/or seen a therapist? often times we need skills and tools we may not have to work through difficult feelings, even the strongest of us.

"My first impulse was to go NC completely but there certainly was an aspect of wanting to hurt her back. That's very childish and doesn't help one bit in the recovery. I drunken broke NC a few times now and everytime the obsessive thoughts were building up like the pressure in a pressure cooker. Everytime after the contact, however humiliating or unpleasant it was I felt so much lighter. Now again how she handled this incident with a complete lack of remorse, empathy or integrity, like it's all a big joke to her, just makes me realise that I'm so much better off without her. It seems so much simpler now.

So in conclusion I learned that pride, stubbornness can keep you very much stuck in recovery and that NC is something to be careful with and should be used for the right reasons otherwise you're just fooling yourself."

this highlights exactly why NC is one tool, for some people, in some situations; it is not a rule. there isnt necessarily a right or wrong. plenty of members have hit a turning point when theyve broken NC, which is not necessarily to encourage doing so, just to further highlight that what works for some may or may not work for others. your conclusion about it is absolutely right, one should examine their reasons and motivations for NC; they can backfire.

[bunnyrabit]

Lol like I give a flying f***.

Oh but you do right?.

Honestly no, not really. As I said before I feel relieved and I still do. The ordeal was somehow cathartic for me. I mean obviously I made a complete fool out of myself but the people I emberassed myself with matter not to me. Her demented little gang of dysfunctional friends are exactly the type of people I'd avoid like the plague in real life, in fact, I wouldn't even know they existed that's how far our worlds are apart. I honestly couldn't care less what they think about me and it's entirely inconsequential.

I drunken dialed my ex, so what? I'm human, sue me. These things happen, everybody knows that, she's done it to me on several occasions.It's not fun to receive such a call but a normal person would respond by trying to calm em down, make them go home or go to sleep, tell them to call you when they're sober and that'll likely be the end of it. What you do NOT do is try to screw with their mind, confuse them even more than they already are so that you can make a spectacle out of them for the amusement of your friends. That's something a mean little child would do because they're well, mean and they don't know any better.

I just checked my logs and it seems that I was really resolute. Over the course of roughly two hours I made no less than about 8 calls and even more texts. All calls were answered and listened to, some up to 10 mins. All without giving one single answer except for that one idiot mimicking my drunken voice. I really can't remember what I was saying all that time but judging by the texts, that range from 'I love you' to 'I hate you you filthy wh*re' it must have consisted of the inner dialogs that were put on endless repeat in my head. And guess what? They're not on repeat anymore, I dumped them all on my ex in a drunken haze, so in the end joke's on who?

So finally I'm getting the behaviour that is to be expected   from my ex. Up until now it seemed that she was the nice, controlled reasonable one and I some close minded square, blowing things out of proportion. I can tell you it didn't make it any easier and it seriously added to my confusion and doubts. But the universe is back in balance now, I'm being painted black for no reason whatsoever, treated with unnecessary cruelty and random weirdness and it's all good

[bunnyrabit]

these breakups are tough stuff, i dont need to tell you that. im sorry about the cheating. i was cheated on too, and wasnt fully aware of it until after the breakup; it was a shock to my system.  

I'm sorry for you too, I know now what it feels like. In my case it went a bit further than that, it was systematically and blatant. She wouldn't literally tell me she was going to do it but the clues were obvious so I always knew when it was happening. She would deny me sexual acts and make sure I knew she had given them to the other guy etc... .she was trying to cuckold me against my will and I could clearly see her getting off on it. She was able to carry this on for a while by convincing me it wasn't going to happen anymore.

To say it was shocking is probably an understatement, everything seemed surreal to me and I was beaten into submission, numb. I simply didn't get up anymore so lost my job. I spent a few months in this dreamlike state until reality finally started creeping back in just in time to get my sh!t together before it turned into a disaster.

I so much regret ever stepping in that latest recycle. We were separated for quite a few months already and I was probably completely over her. We were friendly with each other and I was even giving her dating advice, didn't bother me one bit. And now I'm sitting here eight months later tortured again with compulsive thoughts about what happened. The recycle itself was actually quite short like it didn't even really get started but the level of insanity was unseen. It's like this time I stepped into her world instead of she in mine and that world is not meant to be experienced by a mere mortal like myself.

You think it might be because of the shock factor that I'm stuck now for so long relative to the brief recycle?

[Infared]

Wait... .wait... .let me see if I have this right?

1. You got  extremely drunk. (Your choice)

2. You called your ex at least 8 times. (Your choice)

3. You sent your ex multiple abusive texts (your choice)

Did I miss anything?

... .and you came here and posted to complain about "her" behavior.

Is that correct?

[bunnyrabit]

Wait... .wait... .let me see if I have this right?

1. You got  extremely drunk. (Your choice)

2. You called your ex at least 8 times. (Your choice)

3. You sent your ex multiple abusive texts (your choice)

Did I miss anything?

... .and you came here and posted to complain about "her" behavior.

Is that correct?

Ok I just checked the texts and there's exactly one abusive text, the very last after two hours of pleading to at least acknowledge me. The abusive word was btw something she said she aspired to be the last time we were together.

Also she has probably called me extremely drunk more often than I her. It is not something we hold against each other, we both drank a lot when we were together.

If she wanted to ignore me she could have just said so or simply reject the calls instead of letting this escalate for hours on end. And I didn't anticipate this scenario at all as she never mentioned she didn't want to speak to me anymore and before this she was very welcoming to any contact from my part. This caught me completely off guard and in combination with the alcohol threw me in the despair while all she had to do was say hi for christ sake.

I also sent her a text to apologise the morning after, sober and well which was also completely ignored.

Yes I went NC and ignored a few of her calls  (as in not picking them up) but never before I clearly told her I needed NC and the reasons why and that after that I would want us to remain friends.

This was silent treatment punishment with a weird extra twist, so yeah I'm here to complain about that. Do you mind? This doesn't take away that I described my own behaviour as, and I quote myself: "Making a complete fool of myself"

[once removed]

hey bunnyrabit,

with regard to cheating, i was choosing my words very carefully. shock to the system is an understatement, and in your case, it was obviously repeated shocks.

"You think it might be because of the shock factor that I'm stuck now for so long relative to the brief recycle?"

sure, and everything else youve been through. it sounds excruciating. a therapist can help process some of this trauma.

[Infared]

hey bunnyrabit,

with regard to cheating, i was choosing my words very carefully. shock to the system is an understatement, and in your case, it was obviously repeated shocks.

"You think it might be because of the shock factor that I'm stuck now for so long relative to the brief recycle?"

sure, and everything else youve been through. it sounds excruciating. a therapist can help process some of this trauma.

Amen to that.