Why BPD cut you off - and why is it so important to maintain NC

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hey guys.

Been thinking about a lot of things, now that I've reached the point of acceptance, and am able to control these "outbursts" - the need to break NC and "check in" with my ex, and I figured out a few key things.

Why BPD cut you off?

This is a question I think most, if not all of us, have been asking ourselves at one point or another - why? why would someone you put so much effort into, someone who told you they love you more than anything why would a person with a seemingly powerful connection to you would just walk away? and nevertheless - cut off all ties, avoid you and sometimes even go out of their way just to hurt you?

The reason is simple - no matter what you've been TOLD in your relationship, it doesn't matter. BPD are survivors, often enduring a traumatic experience at a very young age, thus having the ability to just "shut off" and avoid emotional pain. I know this one from personal experience, partly because I now possess the same ability to just let go of people and their problems if anything provokes me - but unlike BPD, I at least TRY to make it work and don't put all the blame into the other person.

Why is it so important to maintain NC?

This is a very important thing that everyone who struggles with letting go feels. "Well what if I just peek around their social media?" "Well what's the harm in answering their texts?" "maybe he/she does miss me"... .

Stop.right.there.

Think back - think of how you fell while it was breaking down, how selfish they were to the sight of your pain, crushing you, torturing you. They watched you fall on your knees (either metaphorically or physically) and beg, BEG for their forgiveness on things you were blamed for, things you weren't responsible for, maybe even things you haven't done. You gave them the world and they threw you away like an old pair of running shoes.

If they are the ones trying to reach out

How do they have the nerve to just waltz back into the life of a person they left shattered, broken and scarred? how do they think some meaningless apology would make it better? that it would help you regain your trust in them? And if you ARE feeling that maybe, just maybe, it WAS your fault - think again! we're all HUMAN, we have FLAWS! it's illogical to think SOMEONE would be "perfect" - it's our flaws that make us unique. Plus, "once you go black you can never go back" (to take that a bit off it's "original" context) - you were painted BLACK, and it's only a matter of time before it'll happen again.

If you are the one trying to reach out

Why? why bother? why are you doing this to yourself? can't you see this person lacks empathy? that (even if you don't see it now) you were lied to and manipulated throughout most, if not all of your r/s with this person, just to satisfy their selfish needs? can't you see that you were thrown out when you were least expecting it? it was either very good for the both of you (so you thought), or YOU were the one in need of help/empathy/care for a change, and they left you, making you feel like you're responsible to ALL of their pain, their suffering, their anxiety, 9/11, the Armenian genocide and every other bad thing that EVER happened.

And that person you're trying to get back? that person you fell in love with? it was YOU! YOU were being mirrored, YOU were the reason why you got along so well, it was all YOU. Do you realize what an AWESOME person you are? and to think we were blessed to see how good it feels to be in a relationship with OURSELVES, a think most people want to find out. Consider yourselves lucky, and KNOW YOUR WORTH! get out there and find someone who would APPRECIATE the effort, and love you not for WHAT YOU ARE, but for WHO YOU ARE, because you already know what you're worth.

So, in the words of Paramore - "Fall in love with yourself, because someday you're gonna be the only one you've got"


I hope this helps provide even a fraction of insight to how good it gets, and what we can learn from our past mistakes.

Peace and love, people   

[Bassoutcast]

Hey guys.

Been thinking about a lot of things, now that I've reached the point of acceptance, and am able to control these "outbursts" - the need to break NC and "check in" with my ex, and I figured out a few key things.

Why BPD cut you off?

This is a question I think most, if not all of us, have been asking ourselves at one point or another - why? why would someone you put so much effort into, someone who told you they love you more than anything why would a person with a seemingly powerful connection to you would just walk away? and nevertheless - cut off all ties, avoid you and sometimes even go out of their way just to hurt you?

The reason is simple - no matter what you've been TOLD in your relationship, it doesn't matter. BPD are survivors, often enduring a traumatic experience at a very young age, thus having the ability to just "shut off" and avoid emotional pain. I know this one from personal experience, partly because I now possess the same ability to just let go of people and their problems if anything provokes me - but unlike BPD, I at least TRY to make it work and don't put all the blame into the other person.

Why is it so important to maintain NC?

This is a very important thing that everyone who struggles with letting go feels. "Well what if I just peek around their social media?" "Well what's the harm in answering their texts?" "maybe he/she does miss me"... .

Stop.right.there.

Think back - think of how you fell while it was breaking down, how selfish they were to the sight of your pain, crushing you, torturing you. They watched you fall on your knees (either metaphorically or physically) and beg, BEG for their forgiveness on things you were blamed for, things you weren't responsible for, maybe even things you haven't done. You gave them the world and they threw you away like an old pair of running shoes.

If they are the ones trying to reach out

How do they have the nerve to just waltz back into the life of a person they left shattered, broken and scarred? how do they think some meaningless apology would make it better? that it would help you regain your trust in them? And if you ARE feeling that maybe, just maybe, it WAS your fault - think again! we're all HUMAN, we have FLAWS! it's illogical to think SOMEONE would be "perfect" - it's our flaws that make us unique. Plus, "once you go black you can never go back" (to take that a bit off it's "original" context) - you were painted BLACK, and it's only a matter of time before it'll happen again.

If you are the one trying to reach out

Why? why bother? why are you doing this to yourself? can't you see this person lacks empathy? that (even if you don't see it now) you were lied to and manipulated throughout most, if not all of your r/s with this person, just to satisfy their selfish needs? can't you see that you were thrown out when you were least expecting it? it was either very good for the both of you (so you thought), or YOU were the one in need of help/empathy/care for a change, and they left you, making you feel like you're responsible to ALL of their pain, their suffering, their anxiety, 9/11, the Armenian genocide and every other bad thing that EVER happened.

And that person you're trying to get back? that person you fell in love with? it was YOU! YOU were being mirrored, YOU were the reason why you got along so well, it was all YOU. Do you realize what an AWESOME person you are? and to think we were blessed to see how good it feels to be in a relationship with OURSELVES, a think most people want to find out. Consider yourselves lucky, and KNOW YOUR WORTH! get out there and find someone who would APPRECIATE the effort, and love you not for WHAT YOU ARE, but for WHO YOU ARE, because you already know what you're worth.

So, in the words of Paramore - "Fall in love with yourself, because someday you're gonna be the only one you've got"


I hope this helps provide even a fraction of insight to how good it gets, and what we can learn from our past mistakes.

Peace and love, people   

[Trog]

Important.

I know my ex left me in a state of extreme hurt and confusion, even though I actually left her it really was a life or death situation. I had to leave her. However even this she turned around as 'You can't handle my illness' and that is why our marriage broke down. That left me in fog for months.

The truth is my EX cannot handle HER illness and that is why EVERYBODY leaves.

It's amazing how we are abused and abused and still look for where we are to blame to try to get them back.

All your points resonate with me especially the part about cutting people out without a care forgetting all the words that went before. I should have guessed at that outcome, she didn't speak to her own mother for a year. When her ex died, (the ex she tried to emotionally triangulate me with) I never saw her she'd a tear. I found that very creepy.

The key to getting over this is growing out of our now often small world and gaining in self esteem.

[BorisAcusio]

Important.

I know my ex left me in a state of extreme hurt and confusion, even though I actually left her it really was a life or death situation. I had to leave her. However even this she turned around as 'You can't handle my illness' and that is why our marriage broke down. That left me in fog for months.

The truth is my EX cannot handle HER illness and that is why EVERYBODY leaves.

[darkhorse]

WOOWWWW!

Thank you so much for making it so clear. This has really hit the spot, its only been 5 days after the b/u and nc, and Im not going back, its still hard to get through each day/night…... your thoughts and explanations will help me get on with life again.

"Mirroring" I really did believe that he was just this "one in a million" guy, my best friend my soul mate, yet all this time it was me. And hell yeah! Im good!

But how can they do this so well? And from such an early stage in the r/s when they're only getting to know you?

Thanks my friend you have really lifted a heavy burden off my shoulders!

[Bassoutcast]

  darkhorse

I'm happy to hear that I've made it somewhat easier for you to handle your situation, glad to be at assistance.

About your last question - it's rather easy to understand. Having a very vague sense of who they are, BPD's feel empty inside, and by learning all of your traits they somehow get a temporary "sense of self" feeling, up until a certain point where that "personality" doesn't fit their needs and you are discarded.

A good example I think off is my ex's drinking - when we met for the first time (working together) we got to talking about drinking, and I asked her if she drank and she said "Oh yea, BIG TIME" and even showed me a hand-gesture of her chugging down a bottle, and I think I mentioned not liking to drink. After a few months of dating we had a picnic for our anniversary and I brought some light beer and I remember she said she "didn't do it often" and "only shared a beer with her dad once a month, tops"

I think another reason they cut us out is because they are afraid - afraid of the voice of reason! they can't handle the truth, and they know most of the things you are accused of, if not all of them, are false accusations, so they shut the door faster than you can say "but wait-"... .they don't WANT to hear your side, because they're afraid it's not going to be about THEM, it's a game of power, just like a child playing catch - they catch the ball, and then say "I win"... .but there are 2 sides to each game, and it should go BACK AND FORTH, but they don't let you have that.

Basically BPD is like that one mean kid that no one wants to play with, and they go around crying how no one likes them even though they want to play.

[darkhorse]

Wow again! You seem to really understand them!

And again your explanation just comes across so clear. It makes so much sense to me about the vague sense of self, and the running before you can say HANG ON A MINUTE! I have connerred him once, before he could run and shut the door, and questioned him on his accusations and rage towards me. He made no sense, and Id managed to make him see it….He had nothing on me, and so he got up and as he waked away he mumbled under his breath that its over and if he walks out ill never seem him again. All I said was ok, and 5 minutes later he was back having another go, again he was cornered and could not win as I had the "ball" and wouldn't throw it to him, so to speak. He left and came back, this happened around 6 times until he'd given up and said that he loved me and the fighting was killing him. Except in my opinion we weren't fighting and he was looking for a way to get his ball back, so he could runaway!

Thanks again, I will save this and reread this when I feel low

[darkhorse]

Sorry one more question,

do you really think they actually know the accusations aim towards you are false? Cos he seems so convinced about me cheating on him…... Its uncanny, how convincing he sounds!

[Bassoutcast]

Sorry one more question,

do you really think they actually know the accusations aim towards you are false? Cos he seems so convinced about me cheating on him…... Its uncanny, how convincing he sounds!

I know it sounds convincing, that's one of the "wonderful" aspects of this lovely disease. They convince themselves that they are hurt, and YOU are the reason! and from what I can tell, this doesn't happen overnight, but unlike most couples where the falling apart is mutual, and you both sense the end, in a BPD's mind it's all happening deep inside their twisted little mind, and builds up until the dam cracks down and a flood of sudden hatred and accusations come flowing out of what appears to be nowhere to the partner.

I do think that on SOME level, deep down inside, although they'd NEVER admit it even if their life depended on it, they know what's true, they know how hurt you are, how good you've been to them, and it's that enormous shame they can't handle, and so they leave, often never to return, because they can't face the person who they hurt so much and look them in the eye - and those who do come back have just pushed the shame away deep enough so they can return, but alas the shame always comes out again, and this is how another "cycle" ends, until the shame is unbearable and they just avoid all contact and go on, trying to forget you even existed, in order to maintain some kind of sense in what they've done.

From personal experience, I could see the amount of shame that was on my ex's face when she was breaking up with me, after I told her how hurt I was, that I didn't sleep at night, drank and thought of killing myself after all she's done, I could see how much THE TRUTH hurt her, she KNEW how much I loved her (she mentioned it several times), but she did it anyways, and been avoiding my attempts of contact since (although now I have went NC and blocked her in order to feel free and move on, and the only way she can contact me is via phone call or text message, no social networks). Feels so much better not having to worry about what she's doing, mainly because I'm certain it's not mutual.

[Hidden]

Think back - think of how you fell while it was breaking down, how selfish they were to the sight of your pain, crushing you, torturing you. They watched you fall on your knees (either metaphorically or physically) and beg, BEG for their forgiveness on things you were blamed for, things you weren't responsible for, maybe even things you haven't done. You gave them the world and they threw you away like an old pair of running shoes.

I'm wondering though... .What if you are the one who cut them off due to their constant abusive/possessive/unhealthy behavior, and they do the begging, the "I gave everything for you and now you're throwing me away like old fabric" argument? Does this mean if we do that, we're horrible people and they the victims?

[Bassoutcast]

I'm wondering though... .What if you are the one who cut them off due to their constant abusive/possessive/unhealthy behavior, and they do the begging, the "I gave everything for you and now you're throwing me away like old fabric" argument? Does this mean if we do that, we're horrible people and they the victims?[/quote]
I did mention the other way around in my first comment.

You are not a victim, you are using methods of self defense in order to protect yourself, it's natural after all you've been through, you have every right to go NC.

[zipline]

I am kind of dying inside today and would literally give anything for my ex to reach out to me. I would give anything to feel her warmth and have her expressions of love directed at me again. I would call her right now except that I deleted her number from my phone and, aside from contacting the one mutual friend she has on facebook, there's no way I can find it again. I might email her. I just can't bear the thought of her leaving the country in 24 days and me never seeing or talking to her again in person. Yes she left me. Yes asked politely that I not write her again. Yes she said she didn't want to know how I was feeling. But it's been two months since that. I couldn't have been so wrong about how we felt about each other, right? It is all my fault. I pushed her away. I wasn't able to give her the emotional connection she needed because I am defective.  I can change right?

[Bassoutcast]

Hey zipline, sorry to hear that you're feeling that way, but cheer up!

Your BPD ex is the best thing that happened to you - not the r/s but the breakup. You can learn SO MUCH from it. Don't think it was your fault for even a second, it WASN'T. There's an old saying - "If you call a pig a dog a thousand times, he will bark". That's what's happening here. BPD's have a natural, Oscar-deserving talent to make their words resonate and stay inside of you, they stick their claws deep inside - the deeper you let them in, the easier their venom spreads when they unleash it.

I can tell you from experience - contacting will only make it worse. You're thinking "well, what do I have to lose?" - plenty, actually. Your progress, your self-worth, your belief in love and so much more. Once a BPD paint you black, it's only up to them to decide if and when to return, and then it's up to you do decide if you want them back.

Here is a link to my first thread here, when I was hurt beyond belief :

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273699.0

You can see the progress, I researched everything there is to know about this awful disorder, and came to terms with what's happened. You can do that to, and go on to live a brighter future with someone who actually cares about you, and that would be there throughout everything.

Love is out there, don't lose hope, learn from your mistakes and walk with your head up. You are powerful, you are lovable, and you deserve to be happy, and you will be happy, it just takes time to learn how to do it on your own.

[darkhorse]

Yes he had expressed incredible shame and guilt and even disgust for past mistakes on few a occasions,I assume he was talking about his ex's…stupidly enough I thought I could just "love it away"…... .

Im devastated, and angry mainly with myself that I had allowed him to get so close as I saw signs and slip ups that have raised the red flags at the beggining.He has sensed those and could quickly switch into the ":)amage control" mode.

Thanks again

[NonBPDEx]

I am kind of dying inside today and would literally give anything for my ex to reach out to me. I would give anything to feel her warmth and have her expressions of love directed at me again.

I couldn't have been so wrong about how we felt about each other, right? It is all my fault. I pushed her away. I wasn't able to give her the emotional connection she needed because I am defective.  I can change right?

Zipline,

I can empathize. I was the one that left, but this is very much how I feel.

From an outsider's perspective it is very easy to say 'move on, you dodged a bullet, you deserve better, there are plenty of fish in the sea, etc. etc'. But really, connections like these come along very rarely in life. Connections that we feel are real, and deep.

How can they possibly not care? I have never experienced that myself - going from caring about someone who cared about me, to not caring anymore.

At least when someone dies we can still feel they are somehow still with us. When they leave though it is not only the loss of the person, but the loss of the confidence the person engendered in us.

We are more alone than we were before we met them.

As for changing, this has been one of the most profound soul-searching times in my life. I can only hope good comes out of it, but there are no guarantees in life.

[rotiroti]

Thanks for the excellent post. Am 2 weeks into NC and she wrote my parents calling me a kind soul and that they can forgive her

[dobie]

The only form of contact they allow is for them to play the victim /martyr or blame you its all about them and their narrative when i wanted to speak to make sense of everything to explain how hurt I was I was ignored or my pain minimised and or blamed provoked to rage at her so she can then play the victim its always me,me,me with them .


I don't care if she has a mental illness I don't care how much pain she is in I'm in pain and so are so many nons thanks to our exs

The damage and pain these people cause is never justified or somehow worse than ours .

I don't have the ability to split to compartmentalise to not really love or attach they are the ones with the coping skills for this we do not .

So who is really suffering ?

[eyvindr]

Bassoutcast --

Awesome insights. Hope all can step back and reflect on what you've shared, and take from it what they can use.

ev.

[Bassoutcast]

Thank you all for your replies, I'm glad I'm able to help in some way... .means a lot to me.

Recently found out I have Cyclothymia, which is a "calmer" form of Bipolar Disorder... .ever since the b/u it's gotten worse to the point I've recently started cutting myself... .you all know what's it's like to have a BPD breakup, now multiply that by the fact that she's my first girlfirend (at the age of 20) and that I have a manic-depressive mood disorder... .I'm so thankful that I have my good friends and support network to help me, otherwise I might've killed myself by now... .so cheer up guys, it can always be worse

Peace and love  ,

Bass

[Gunit1]

Mine cut me off because she as already cheating and starting to distance herself for past month prior and I suspected cheating, she lie lie lie, gaslighting, blame me at end. I got your crazy, paranoid, insecure u know all standard and then our last fight she blamed me for everything and said I was stalker by end haha but then what do u know weeks later they have come out as in a relationship. Never spoke to me again becuase she has to stand by her lies. But do many cheat and get new supply before cutting you out?

[Husband321]

Great post OP

I struggled with that as well.  Replaying a conversation before she vanished. Blaming myself for a while. "If I only didn't say that" etc.  But when I had clarity, I see she disappeared on me many times. On her ex husband. On her friends. On her family. Even her own children.

My therapist had a good point as well. Most people, like many BPD, can only "fake it" for a year or so.  After that point you see the real person.

As yours did with the drinking, mine lied about her sexual past, weed, alcohol, etc for about a year. Then it all came out through her actions.

Any insight into how they seemingly "forget" all you did for them and all the good times? Do they just react to the last negative emotion they have when they vanish/cheat/paint you black?  

Mine still emails me and texts me how she misses me, dreams of me etc. but she vanished and moved across the country. After I caught her cheating.

It's also confusing because for being "mentally ill" they certainly can control it well during the begininning.  Also those on the outside think you must be the "bad guy" as outwardly they are very convincing to others. Would be nice if they could somehow just stay in that idealization phase.

[In a bad way]

    Any insight into how they seemingly "forget" all you did for them and all the good times? Do they just react to the last negative emotion they have when they vanish/cheat/paint you black?                 

Mine forgot about all the good I did for her and her kids, she mentioned it a few times when she was in "normal" mode, but it obviously meant nothing to her at the end, as did I.

      It's also confusing because for being "mentally ill" they certainly can control it well during the begininning.  Also those on the outside think you must be the "bad guy" as outwardly they are very convincing to others.       

Yes this is something I've often thought about, if they can control it at the start and to people not as close as we were then they must know.
They must try and put in an effort to control and hide it, I think they eventually take us for granted and familiarity breeds contempt.
They figure out what they can get away with and then just keep pushing more and more, mine once said to me that the old saying that we take things out on the people closest to us is true.
Well it was certainly true in her case.
So my opinion is they know what they are like and hide it well until they can't and until they have got you where they want you and are truly comfortable with you, then they just can't help themselves, they show their true colours.
Of course this is my opinion and when referring to they I was referring to my ex and my experience with her.

[Gunit1]

Mine cut me off because she as already cheating and starting to distance herself for past month prior and I suspected cheating, she lie lie lie, gaslighting, blame me at end. I got your crazy, paranoid, insecure u know all standard and then our last fight she blamed me for everything and said I was stalker by end haha but then what do u know weeks later they have come out as in a relationship. Never spoke to me again becuase she has to stand by her lies. But do many cheat and get new supply before cutting you out?

[Husband321]

Mine cut me off because she as already cheating and starting to distance herself for past month prior and I suspected cheating, she lie lie lie, gaslighting, blame me at end. I got your crazy, paranoid, insecure u know all standard and then our last fight she blamed me for everything and said I was stalker by end haha but then what do u know weeks later they have come out as in a relationship. Never spoke to me again becuase she has to stand by her lies. But do many cheat and get new supply before cutting you out?

Well as for mine she did the same... .I was crazy. Paranoid etc.

Mine was financially well off so this is what she would do... .

Vanish when I was at work.  Move all her things out.

Rent a short term house down the street from me. Tell me where she is.

Then she would stay with me every night, profess love, under the guise of "working on things". She would tell me she just needed some space, and would never ever cheat.

Then if I would ask her to move back home, or some other disagreement, or she would just start acting odd, she would block me, go to her house, tell me to leave her alone.  Perhaps that is when she "had a date" or something like that. I saw her phone bill after, and every "fake fight" when she would leave she would be calling guys.

[Gunit1]

They seem to all have same kind of core but guess how things play out is different for everyone.

Once mine was cheating and decided this is guy gonna be with, she just got more and more distant, lied ect and then never wanted things to improve she was just emotionally gone and had put all her cards with next guy. Haven't heard from her since the last fight when she threaten cops.

Anyone else notice when their BPD/npd partner is cheating and moving on that their personality has changed? Last time saw her it was like speaking to someone I didn't even know anymore. Perhaps this is them mirroring the new person.

[Gunit1]

Anyone else notice that your NPD/BPD personality was different when you knew they were cheating/into someone else?

[Gunit1]

Do u think it's definitely BPD? I can relate to some stories but others aren't same as mine. I guess they all act differently. Mine was even still trying to have a baby with her bf while sleeping with me! And when we agreeing this had to end she said what if I want to start up again after I have the baby? To me she also seems to fit the sociopath bill as well. I thought BPD had some morals...