Am I being too cruel enforcing n/c without discussing it? I said we were over

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I can't help but feel guilty at enforcing strict n/c

I didn't tell her we were going n/c, I simply said that it's best we our own way and walked out the door.

She's tried everything to reach me, but I've changed or blocked all avenues. Even told family and mutual friends not to relay anything (she did try to reach me through both).

It's been about a month now and I'm struggling with the guilt, but I know i'm just grieving the loss of a loved one.

I read the thread on maintaining n/c, but i felt like my situation had unique circumstances that warranted a post of it's own. If anyone has any input please don't hesitate to share. Thank you

-echo

[rotiroti]

I can't help but feel guilty at enforcing strict n/c

I didn't tell her we were going n/c, I simply said that it's best we our own way and walked out the door.

She's tried everything to reach me, but I've changed or blocked all avenues. Even told family and mutual friends not to relay anything (she did try to reach me through both).

It's been about a month now and I'm struggling with the guilt, but I know i'm just grieving the loss of a loved one.

I read the thread on maintaining n/c, but i felt like my situation had unique circumstances that warranted a post of it's own. If anyone has any input please don't hesitate to share. Thank you

-echo

[Mutt]

Hey echo,

I can understand feeling guilt with going strict no contact after knowing your ex very well for 8 years. I don't think there's a right or wrong with telling the other person, no contact is to stop the bleeding and space for you to heal and step back and look at the entire picture.

I'm sorry I don't know the back story and what are the unique circumstances?

[fromheeltoheal]

Well, you did say it's best we go our own way and walked out the door.  That's not as descriptive as "I'm ending this relationship with you right now and I'd appreciate it if you don't contact me" but it's not bad, it sorta says that.  It's important to analyze your guilt to see if it's guilt over various things you did, said or that happened in the relationship, and obviously abandoning her now, or it's the specific guilt of how you ended it.  If it is guilt around the specific way you ended the relationship doing it more formally may alleviate that guilt, a decision for you to make, realizing that any contact could trigger you.  Which one do you think it is?

[rotiroti]

Thank you Mutt and fromheeltoheal, I always take your guys' advice and posts on other threads to heart. I really wish to be as insightful and at peace one of these days!

@Mutt, it's just so hard to let 8+ years of friendship go. On the other-hand, I can feel myself healing from the no contact. I was actually reading another thread about how we shouldn't feel responsible for how others feel, and while I can see the merit in that, I also feel like I may have caused unnecessary amount of anguish by going n/c. I left a non-judgemental note and told her via phone about how I still care for her, but that we should go our own way. From that moment I stopped answering phones, emails, social media, etc. Her father actually called me and I told him sorry that it didn't work between myself and his daughter. He wished me luck and was very understanding (poor man, he was actually pretty cool and had been painted black long ago I realize... .). Like fromheeltoheal stated, I'm really triggered by any contact. Even the phone ringing will give me anxiety attacks, but they are much better these days... I think I may have to bite the bullet and let her know firmly that it really is over.

I would also like to add: the last fight that precipitated me taking action was when she used all of my personal secrets as salvo for criticisms. That's a line of trust I hold against everyone, BPD or not. I listened to a voicemail she left and it was a huge trigger. She sounded cheerful as if nothing happened. Wondering how I was doing and if I would call her back whenever I had time... She also recently wrote to my family with a letter of apology and that precipitated my guilt. It was an apology letter that was really honest and owning up to her mistakes. I feel like I should do the same to bury the hatchet... .wow writing that felt nice! I think n/c really is working! 14 days!

@fromheeltoheal: thank you for your input. I am indeed worried that perhaps I was not specific enough. As I wrote to Mutt, most of the guilt comes from causing more than necessary anguish -- breakups are hard for both parties, but I know she can be a worrier and perhaps I could've ended things face to face... .I just couldn't do it that last day, she was on a splitting rampage and everything I tried came back to me somehow.

I do feel guilty that I walked out the door, but I also know that I tried my best on my half, it's a terrible feeling because she's a long time friend (8 years) and I still have loving feelings for her. As I'm writing this, the last part of your post really resonated with me... I really think it is the guilt around the specific way I ended things. Especially since the letter she sent to my family. It was a really earnest apologetic letter about how sorry she was to have hurt their son (me)... .I just know I am going to be triggered if I see or hear her voice, but you are right. Having that talk will alleviate my situation.



Thank you both! Man, so happy this place exists!

[WhatJustHappened?]

I am in the same boat you are. I went about a month of NC without telling my exBPD. She tried to call me a couple of times. Finally, yesterday, she called again. I called her back today and left her a message as she wouldn't answer. I made it clear that we were over and that I knew she had lied to me. I was calm, short and to-the-point.

Frankly, I felt it was time. I didn't want to feel that I just ran w/o standing up for myself. For me, it was important to have closure and to let her know the reason why I stopped talking to her. I feel much better doing this and did it for me.

Go with your gut. If you feel that it will help YOU, I would do it.

[fromheeltoheal]

Especially since the letter she sent to my family. It was a really earnest apologetic letter about how sorry she was to have hurt their son (me)... .

Ouch!  That would be painful to hear about, and to imagine the pain she's in.  You can temper it a little by realizing she's a borderline in pull mode after a breakup, but still, you're right, breakups are hard for everyone.

I just know I am going to be triggered if I see or hear her voice, but you are right. Having that talk will alleviate my situation.

There are ways to minimize the actual contact and still get the message across, like in writing, not an email but a hand written letter for example, and things have changed, you're not breaking up with her, you already did that, what you might be doing now is apologizing for the way you did it, which will probably alleviate the guilt, you decide.  Also, if she's feeling abandoned she will throw everything she has at you to reestablish an attachment, and you know each other well, so something to plan for.  Take care of you!

[rotiroti]

@Whatjusthappened haha awesome man! I was getting pumped up reading about how you went with your gut instinct. It's this instinct that helped me with my decision to leave and while it hurts like crazy, I just know I made the right call (14 days of NC! woo!). I think I just need a few more days to really think on a clear head. Thank you for your input... still chuckling from reading your post, feeling liberated vicariously!

@fromheeltoheal (great name btw): It was incredibly tough! My parents actually love her and were expecting grandkids and all  :'(. I like that idea about the written letter. I thought about writing an e-mail but realized that would require me to unblock her and see the unread emails. I don't think I could resist the urge to open them at this time!

and yes absolutely -- thank you for reminding me to stay wary. I know my parents love her, but I thought it might be crossing some boundaries trying to reach them... .

I'm going to call my immediate family (she is also clsoe with my brother and sister) and let them know not to relay anything to me.

[hurting300]

I am in the same boat you are. I went about a month of NC without telling my exBPD. She tried to call me a couple of times. Finally, yesterday, she called again. I called her back today and left her a message as she wouldn't answer. I made it clear that we were over and that I knew she had lied to me. I was calm, short and to-the-point.

Frankly, I felt it was time. I didn't want to feel that I just ran w/o standing up for myself. For me, it was important to have closure and to let her know the reason why I stopped talking to her. I feel much better doing this and did it for me.

Go with your gut. If you feel that it will help YOU, I would do it.

maybe I'm different but my ex left me without telling me anything. I lurk came home one day and she and my baby were gone. I have full custody now. The one thing the judge and psychological professionals said in court was this: you never just abandon someone. You are abusing them by "abandonment" not saying your intentionally abusing her pal. But everyone deserves to know what's going on. You are a grown man. Tell her.

[Skip]

I think a healthy question to ask is "Am I creating unnecessary drama?"

It sounds like you feel you are. So stop.

I read her letter to your parents, its is very lucid.

Is this mostly a situation where you two were going too fast (even if she was agreeing) - you were ready to go, parents were ready to go - she realized she over-committed herself - she handled it badly?  She won't be the first women who felted trapped/guilty and dealt with it by acted badly.

Is this a situation where you wanted to go on, but were so hurt by the behavior, you over-reacted?  I'm not sure why you went no contact.  That is generally a tactic of last resort - doesn't seem like she was being abusive or stalking you, was she?

I don't know the details here, but if she felt pressured, pulling back and giving her space was the best thing.  She might have changed her mind.  She still might change her mind.  Or, she may really care about you, but just feel the living together was not what she wanted/expected.

The NC is painful and stressful and probably not constructive right now.

If you want to clean it up, try LC (let her contact you, but you give her space).  Send her a short email... .

Hi _____.  Sorry I've been so unavailable - just needed some space to sort things out.  I'm good now. How are you doing?

This simply releases the tension - even if she doesn't respond.  You may not hear back right away, or you may get a long note.  If she is quiet, give her space now. If you get a letter, come back and share it here and everyone will help you craft a response - you don't want to jump to fast anyway.

[rotiroti]

I think a healthy question to ask is "Am I creating unnecessary drama?"

It sounds like you feel you are. So stop.

I read her letter to your parents, its is very lucid.

Is this mostly a situation where you two were going too fast (even if she was agreeing) - you were ready to go, parents were ready to go - she realized she over-committed herself - she handled it badly?  She won't be the first women who felted trapped/guilty and dealt with it by acted badly.

Is this a situation where you wanted to go on, but were so hurt by the behavior, you over-reacted?  I'm not sure why you went no contact.  That is generally a tactic of last resort - doesn't seem like she was being abusive or stalking you, was she?

I don't know the details here, but if she felt pressured, pulling back and giving her space was the best thing.  She might have changed her mind.  She still might change her mind.  Or, she may really care about you, but just feel the living together was not what she wanted/expected.

The NC is painful and stressful and probably not constructive right now.

If you want to clean it up, try LC (let her contact you, but you give her space).  Send her a short email... .

Hi _____.  Sorry I've been so unavailable - just needed some space to sort things out.  I'm good now. How are you doing?

This simply releases the tension - even if she doesn't respond.  You may not hear back right away, or you may get a long note.  If she is quiet, give her space now. If you get a letter, come back and share it here and everyone will help you craft a response - you don't want to jump to fast anyway.

Skip, first of all, thank you for all the work you do here. Many of the lessons on the deciding board and here has helped me tremendously.

I also thank you for your input in this. You put into words many things I have been feeling. I really felt like everything was mishandled from the beginning to the end. Bad in the beginning as in that we really did rush things and we both reacted badly. Bad conclusion with me using the tactic of last resort and creating all this tension. Part was of it had to do with the amount of hurt -- she was indeed acting out the last few days. It was about 3-4 days of various mix of ST, criticism (these were loaded with personal things I've only told her), telling me she hated coming home to me, and returning the ring. Only if I had the lessons for setting boundaries at the time, I think I would have been able to give space accordingly.

I will think about allowing LC, I still care for her deeply and as sad this trial of NC was I think it has helped me to see what I want if we were to try it again.

Thanks skip!  

[rotiroti]

I wanted to add to my reply in regards to the abuse (originally a PM I sent to a member): I took the abuse screener you posted in another thread (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a115.htm) and score high on it. It was also scary to feel unsafe and unwanted at home and I am well aware that moving fast could've made it happen as well. This was someone I have known for 8 years and I had never seen this side of her. I am ashamed to admit that I feel I was abused emotionally and verbally, I know as a man I should have a thicker skin. Please do understand that these were loaded with personal secrets I told her, and without knowing how to set boundaries, I couldn't do anything right in her presence in the last 5 days with her.