The final chapter draws to a close...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

As the final chapter is my relationship closes, I want to thank everyone here on The Boards for being here in all your weakness and all your strength because your feedback and your support is what has helped me to gradually let go. I am planning to limit my time on BPD Family because I know I use this website as a 'safer' way of connecting with my BPDxbf and it borders on obsession. Here's the final letter I would like to send to my BPDxbf.

Dear S***,

So, this morning brings the final end of 'us' and the death of my hope for a future together. I tried to end our relationship in such a way that you could see that I love you and you love me but it still doesn't work due to the mutual triggers. I thought that would make it easier for you. I thought you would rather believe that than believe that you are bad and that's why I left you. I thought you'd be able to see that it doesn't have to be anyone's fault. I thought you would prefer to see that it's just tragic that my past and your past left us vulnerable and unable to relate without triggering each other. Now I realise that you can't see that, it's not that you refuse to see that.

I know you doubt my reasons for contacting you again last night, but I contacted you because I am uncomfortable with the fact I suppressed my needs, my thoughts and my feelings just for a quiet life. I contacted you because I played the subserviant role to keep the peace but I didn't like it and I realised that if our relationship was going to continue, I would have to change that. I contacted you to make one last ditch attempt at changing it. For my own peace of mind, I needed to know that I had done everything that I could do to save us before I let go. I needed to know I had actually given you the chance to hear me and respond. To know that, I had to be sure that I had told you what I needed you to hear. Now I have, I feel satisfied, but not happy. I'm sorry that my last ditch attempt left you feeling hurt. I'm sorry you are hurt, but I didn't cause it. Your hurt is your responsibility.

Now we are over and going no contact, this is what you can expect... .I shall let the sadness go. I do not intend to grieve for years over you as I have done for others in the past. All that did was make me miserable. I consider a 6 month mourning period more than adequate. I will allow myself to cry when I need to but I intend to stop thinking about you all the time. I shall discipline my mind and find new things to do. I'm not going to think about the good times or how much I loved you or how nice it was to be in love and I'm definitely not going to think about us making love. I'm going to stop writing about you in my journal. I'm going to stop hoping you'll walk round the corner. I am going to allow you to fade from the forefront of my mind. I'm going to give myself permission to forget you. I am going to forgive you for the pain you caused me and forgive myself for the pain I caused you. I'm going to forgive myself for not being able to make this relationship work. I am going to congratulate myself for trying and for learning so much in the process, even though I was doomed to failure right from the start. I'm going to move on as you keep saying you are doing.

Think of me fondly and remember our love, when it no longer hurts to do so. Believe I loved you, if you can. If you can't, find freedom in whatever way you can. I have loved you, indeed I have loved you too much. H**x

[Lifewriter16]

As the final chapter is my relationship closes, I want to thank everyone here on The Boards for being here in all your weakness and all your strength because your feedback and your support is what has helped me to gradually let go. I am planning to limit my time on BPD Family because I know I use this website as a 'safer' way of connecting with my BPDxbf and it borders on obsession. Here's the final letter I would like to send to my BPDxbf.

Dear S***,

So, this morning brings the final end of 'us' and the death of my hope for a future together. I tried to end our relationship in such a way that you could see that I love you and you love me but it still doesn't work due to the mutual triggers. I thought that would make it easier for you. I thought you would rather believe that than believe that you are bad and that's why I left you. I thought you'd be able to see that it doesn't have to be anyone's fault. I thought you would prefer to see that it's just tragic that my past and your past left us vulnerable and unable to relate without triggering each other. Now I realise that you can't see that, it's not that you refuse to see that.

I know you doubt my reasons for contacting you again last night, but I contacted you because I am uncomfortable with the fact I suppressed my needs, my thoughts and my feelings just for a quiet life. I contacted you because I played the subserviant role to keep the peace but I didn't like it and I realised that if our relationship was going to continue, I would have to change that. I contacted you to make one last ditch attempt at changing it. For my own peace of mind, I needed to know that I had done everything that I could do to save us before I let go. I needed to know I had actually given you the chance to hear me and respond. To know that, I had to be sure that I had told you what I needed you to hear. Now I have, I feel satisfied, but not happy. I'm sorry that my last ditch attempt left you feeling hurt. I'm sorry you are hurt, but I didn't cause it. Your hurt is your responsibility.

Now we are over and going no contact, this is what you can expect... .I shall let the sadness go. I do not intend to grieve for years over you as I have done for others in the past. All that did was make me miserable. I consider a 6 month mourning period more than adequate. I will allow myself to cry when I need to but I intend to stop thinking about you all the time. I shall discipline my mind and find new things to do. I'm not going to think about the good times or how much I loved you or how nice it was to be in love and I'm definitely not going to think about us making love. I'm going to stop writing about you in my journal. I'm going to stop hoping you'll walk round the corner. I am going to allow you to fade from the forefront of my mind. I'm going to give myself permission to forget you. I am going to forgive you for the pain you caused me and forgive myself for the pain I caused you. I'm going to forgive myself for not being able to make this relationship work. I am going to congratulate myself for trying and for learning so much in the process, even though I was doomed to failure right from the start. I'm going to move on as you keep saying you are doing.

Think of me fondly and remember our love, when it no longer hurts to do so. Believe I loved you, if you can. If you can't, find freedom in whatever way you can. I have loved you, indeed I have loved you too much. H**x

[NonBPDEx]

Thank you, Lifewriter, for articulating many of the thoughts and feelings going through my head. I too spend and lot of time here. Bordering on an obsession as you say. However, I do not know what I would have done without thee forum, and reading what others, like you, have been going through and how similar it has been to my own journey.

Is this intended to be sent to your pwBPDx?

[Lifewriter16]

It's a 'no-send' letter. I could never actually express such thoughts to be BPDxbf. I posted it here because it is as much a statement of my intentions for the future and I thought it would be good for others to witness those intentions - help to keep myself of the straight and narrow.

Love Lifewriter

[rotiroti]

It's a 'no-send' letter. I could never actually express such thoughts to be BPDxbf. I posted it here because it is as much a statement of my intentions for the future and I thought it would be good for others to witness those intentions - help to keep myself of the straight and narrow.

Love Lifewriter

Thank you for sharing your vulnerability and courage. It was always great seeing your thoughts and progress on here. I, too, plan on spending less and less time here -- I think I always knew I was using this place as a 'safe' place to hold onto some sort of hope. Your words reminded me of that so thank you.

Sending you positivity wherever you are!

[Lifewriter16]

Thank you!

[zundertowz]

can i ask what would be the harm in sending a letter like this?  I am moving from NY to Florida tomorrow and think about sending my ex a letter to get some thing that were left unsaid off my chest... .let me be clear I dont wanna ever get back with my ex and I dont obsess over her as the love of my life... .its more a trauma hurt for me and latley ive been feeling guilty about my role in the relationship... .so what would be the harm in sending a letter with no expectation of a reply... .i feel like it would be closing a chapter of my life.

[rotiroti]

can i ask what would be the harm in sending a letter like this?  I am moving from NY to Florida tomorrow and think about sending my ex a letter to get some thing that were left unsaid off my chest... .let me be clear I dont wanna ever get back with my ex and I dont obsess over her as the love of my life... .its more a trauma hurt for me and latley ive been feeling guilty about my role in the relationship... .so what would be the harm in sending a letter with no expectation of a reply... .i feel like it would be closing a chapter of my life.

I think that's why a no-letter is key, because it's written without an expectation of a reply. Say the ex wrote back and twisted your words around or used it as an opening salvo to tear into you. This would mean more hurt than you started out with right? I've read countless posts (and from my personal experience) where when you try to reason or get closure from a BPDex, it usually never goes well. Sure there are exceptions, but why risk it?

[NonBPDEx]

I broke up with my BPDgf in April. I tried to keep the channels of communication open. Perhaps I thought there was still a chance of reconciliation. However, she went straight to my replacement, and pretty much went n/c with me.

I saw her in May when we had to exchange some things. It was cordial, but after I saw her I had a breakdown of sorts.

I felt the need to write her a letter. I wrote to her to tell her I was sorry things ended the way they did. I told her that I did indeed lover her, even though she never really believed I did. I told her that I would have stuck around, even though she did not believe I would have.

I also told her that I was not asking for her back. I told her that I had kept all the emails, text messages, FB messages since the day that we met, and that out of respect for her I would delete them all, as well as all photos of her that I had, and that I would unfriend her on FB so that she would be free to post there without worrying what I would see.

I sent the letter without an exportation of getting a response. However, four days later I did get a response. She just said that my letter had moved her a lot, and that I was a gentleman.

I read it once, and then deleted it. We have been N/C since.

Just my experience.

[Lifewriter16]

Mine is a 'no send' letter because my BPDxbf has now gone n/c with me after a series of emails last night during which I told him that my deal breaker was 'unkind words'. My communications with him yesterday and this morning were an attempt at closure for me but they raised more issues. What I said annoyed and finally triggered him and I have had to deal with his reactions and the repercussions of contacting him again (him going n/c). There are lots of things I would like to say to him, but clearly he will not be able to hear me and if I sent the letter that I have posted here, I would be foisting communication upon him that he has expressly stated he doesn't want. That would achieve nothing.

In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with sending letters. My emails last night were productive for me and have helped give me closure, but they caused my BPDxbf additional pain. I think I did the right thing, but I regret his response.

If you choose to write a letter to send and need to express unresolved emotion, I would caution you to write a draft and then sleep on it. The following day, re-draft it before you send it because things said without proper consideration could be a cause for future regrets.

Love Lifewriter

[NonBPDEx]

If you choose to write a letter to send and need to express unresolved emotion, I would caution you to write a draft and then sleep on it. The following day, re-draft it before you send it because things said without proper consideration could be a cause for future regrets.

Yes, good advice.

And I would add; only intend to write one letter. That is, say everything you want to say thinking that you only have one chance to write one letter, and never be able to write another letter again.

Write it with the intent of not engaging, or of even ever getting a response.

[zundertowz]

thanks for the advice and sorry to hijack this post... .there is no way for her to contact me... .everything is changed or blocked and im moving 500 miles away so im not expecting or want a reply... .its really just to make amends for my behavior even tho it was in retalation to hers... .im kinda torn as my ex was one step below jodi arias... .but im thinking at may give me closure and I can move on.