Hard not to let the black and white thinking get to me sometimes

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Haven't spoken to my dexBPDgf since our last strained communication over her paying me back from when I bailed her out of jail, but I'm still a little stung. The previous time we had met in person so she could pay me back I kind of felt that she went out of her way to show me pictures of her and her new boyfriend. I didn't get angry or lash out, but I did have a reaction so I told her I might need some space and if she could mail or drop off the money next time. I really made an effort to communicate that I wasn't upset, that she had a special place in my heart and that's why I needed space to heal.

Well, the next time I communicated with her about the money she basically refused to do anything other than give it to me in person. All the while she had this tone of "I just want to pay you back so I can finally get you out of my life" that I found to be very saddening. I don't even disagree with the sentiment, it just always feels like she couches things more coldly and hurtfully than they need to be.

I understand that she is mentally ill, and that this behavior is very automatic to her, but sometimes I have a hard time detaching from her black and white thinking. As emo as it sounds, she was my first love so I guess I'm still emotionally invested in what she thinks of me even when I feel I've behaved appropriately.

[mrwigand]

Haven't spoken to my dexBPDgf since our last strained communication over her paying me back from when I bailed her out of jail, but I'm still a little stung. The previous time we had met in person so she could pay me back I kind of felt that she went out of her way to show me pictures of her and her new boyfriend. I didn't get angry or lash out, but I did have a reaction so I told her I might need some space and if she could mail or drop off the money next time. I really made an effort to communicate that I wasn't upset, that she had a special place in my heart and that's why I needed space to heal.

Well, the next time I communicated with her about the money she basically refused to do anything other than give it to me in person. All the while she had this tone of "I just want to pay you back so I can finally get you out of my life" that I found to be very saddening. I don't even disagree with the sentiment, it just always feels like she couches things more coldly and hurtfully than they need to be.

I understand that she is mentally ill, and that this behavior is very automatic to her, but sometimes I have a hard time detaching from her black and white thinking. As emo as it sounds, she was my first love so I guess I'm still emotionally invested in what she thinks of me even when I feel I've behaved appropriately.