Ex still in love with me, I don't know what to do

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So my uBPDxgf is still in love with me. I kinda am in love with her too, but at the same time I'm not. I woke up today with so much anxiety I was about to throw up.

This other girl is interested in me. She is the sweetest person I have ever met. I don't know what to do. I have to lie about seeing her to my ex because I fear she might attack me or kill herself or attack the other girl.

When I woke up today I realized what a mess my life has turned into. Yes, it's obviously my responsibility. But much of it is because we can NEVER SIT DOWN AND TALK like two adult people. so issues just keep building up. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to disappear.

[LonelyChild]

So my uBPDxgf is still in love with me. I kinda am in love with her too, but at the same time I'm not. I woke up today with so much anxiety I was about to throw up.

This other girl is interested in me. She is the sweetest person I have ever met. I don't know what to do. I have to lie about seeing her to my ex because I fear she might attack me or kill herself or attack the other girl.

When I woke up today I realized what a mess my life has turned into. Yes, it's obviously my responsibility. But much of it is because we can NEVER SIT DOWN AND TALK like two adult people. so issues just keep building up. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to disappear.

[Pretty Woman]

This happened to me.

I don't know your whole story. Please read the post I posted an hour ago. That's my story and it's quite crazy.

The 2nd time my ex replaced me I started seeing someone. It was too soon and not fair to the new person nor I however I got sucked in and cheated on this new person. It was not good.

If I could go back in time I never would have given my ex this last year. I am hurting much much worse than before. This time she is posting all this joy all over her Facebook about her new relationship.

Please, please do not fall victim to this relationship again.

 

PS. Good luck talking like two adults. That will never happen when one has the emotional capacity of a 3yo. Go NC and give this nice girl a chance... .but only if you are ready which I'm not sure you are. Please don't hurt her (new gal).

[LonelyChild]

This happened to me.

I don't know your whole story. Please read the post I posted an hour ago. That's my story and it's quite crazy.

The 2nd time my ex replaced me I started seeing someone. It was too soon and not fair to the new person nor I however I got sucked in and cheated on this new person. It was not good.

If I could go back in time I never would have given my ex this last year. I am hurting much much worse than before. This time she is posting all this joy all over her Facebook about her new relationship.

Please, please do not fall victim to this relationship again.

 

PS. Good luck talking like two adults. That will never happen when one has the emotional capacity of a 3yo. Go NC and give this nice girl a chance... .but only if you are ready which I'm not sure you are. Please don't hurt her (new gal).

Yes, this is too soon as well. I can't go NC because of the anxiety. I'm not ready yet. It feels like my life is in limbo and this is never-ending. Nothing is moving forward. I wish I could have a talk with my ex, but then again, if I could, she probably wouldn't be my ex but rather my gf. Bringing up anything regarding seeing someone else, going NC etc makes her cry and scream like a baby. Questioning our "relationship" makes her cry and want to die. Telling her we need to change certain things makes her cry. I don't know what to do anymore. My life is just a big churning mess right now. I feel unable to move because of all the demands and promises etc. This could all be sorted out but ir requires some sort of support from my uBPDxgf. This is so effing taxing I just don't even want to live anymore. I just want another life where I can be happy and content with what I have.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Lonely Child,

So my uBPDxgf is still in love with me. I kinda am in love with her too, but at the same time I'm not.

Can I invite you to spend time in exploring the side of you that is no longer in love with your BPDxgf? The side of you that doesn't love her will probably cause you to never feel fully at peace if you decide to continue with your BPDxgf, not matter how much she says she loves you or how much you desperately need her. I suspect you are suffering from a massive dose of Fear, Obligation and Guilt on top.

It really shouldn't be about what your BPDxgf feels, it should be about what you feel. Do you really want to spend your whole life going through one trauma after another when you could find a partner who can sit and work things through with you instead of creating emotional havoc or threating to commit suicide just because she has an emotion that she can not handle?

Love Lifewriter

[Pretty Woman]

All of this is why you need to go NC. Two years ago Christmas I thought about killing myself. I lay in bed for two weeks... .maybe showered once. I was beyond broken... .

If you are not in therapy please try to get in as soon as you can.

If your ex doesn't have a replacement yet just wait... .

You will be subjected to torment worse than dating her, as she rubs the new "love of her life" in your face.

Listen I've been there. She dumped me over 10x in three years.

You are better than this.

[LonelyChild]

Hi Lonely Child,

So my uBPDxgf is still in love with me. I kinda am in love with her too, but at the same time I'm not.

Can I invite you to spend time in exploring the side of you that is no longer in love with your BPDxgf? The side of you that doesn't love her will probably cause you to never feel fully at peace if you decide to continue with your BPDxgf, not matter how much she says she loves you or how much you desperately need her. I suspect you are suffering from a massive dose of Fear, Obligation and Guilt on top.

It really shouldn't be about what your BPDxgf feels, it should be about what you feel. Do you really want to spend your whole life going through one trauma after another when you could find a partner who can sit and work things through with you instead of creating emotional havoc or threating to commit suicide just because she has an emotion that she can not handle?

Love Lifewriter

You are right, this is all FOG. I don't know how to end it. A part of me is hoping for her to make a mistake (like lying about something serious) so I have a reason to put all blame on her and get out.

[LonelyChild]

All of this is why you need to go NC. Two years ago Christmas I thought about killing myself. I lay in bed for two weeks... .maybe showered once. I was beyond broken... .

If you are not in therapy please try to get in as soon as you can.

If your ex doesn't have a replacement yet just wait... .

You will be subjected to torment worse than dating her, as she rubs the new "love of her life" in your face.

Listen I've been there. She dumped me over 10x in three years.

You are better than this.

I read your post from an hour ago. It calmed me down. It kinda of made me realize that this mess is not really created by me.

Her birthday is coming up as well. Our relationship has turned into such a mess it's just horrible.

[FannyB]

LC

I understand your dilemma. Seems like your ex is almost too unstable to leave at the moment - and you're too attached not to feel extreme guilt should she hurt yourself if you do depart. A classic 'double-bind' situation.  

You might have to do a phased withdrawal - but that supposes you're ex will stabilise in time - but there doesn't seem to much progress on that front if I'm reading things right?


Fanny

[UserName69]

I was in a similar situation. I told my exBPD that I'm going to date an another girl. Of course she freaked out and things got out of control. Later she blocked me from FB and went no NC. This situation was ideal for me I went NC too and gave the other girl a chance, I met her once when my exBPD dumped me for a long period. I didn't love my exBPD anymore when I let her know that I'm dating an another girl, I really wanted to move on and forget completely about her. I knew she was cheating on me, she even told me that she slept once with an another guy "but he wasn't good as me in bed" so all these things made it easier to get rid of her.

Yes it sounds hard what I did but I really warned her before about this. If you do what I did then make sure you get rid of everything that reminds you of her, block her from your life, make a list of all the bad things she did to you and whenever you miss her read the list. And be honest to the other girl, let her know what has happened. I told my current girlfriend about my exBPD and she understood my situation. Never forget why she's your ex now.

It's just impossible to have a rs with a pwBPD, just too many crazy moments, breakups etc. You're better off with a nonBPD partner. Focus on your happiness not hers, you can't be held responsible for her behavior.

[LonelyChild]

LC

I understand your dilemma. Seems like your ex is almost too unstable to leave at the moment - and you're too attached not to feel extreme guilt should she hurt yourself if you do depart. A classic 'double-bind' situation.  

You might have to do a phased withdrawal - but that supposes you're ex will stabilise in time - but there doesn't seem to much progress on that front if I'm reading things right?


Fanny

Ex is not stabilizing. Well, maybe slightly, but not to the point of having a functioning life. Me, I'm destabilizing. I basically just want to run and go to another country, start a new life. Which is kind of insane.

[LonelyChild]

[quote author=UserName69 link=topic=279362.msg12642340#msg12642340 date=1435903169It's just impossible to have a rs with a pwBPD, just too many crazy moments, breakups etc. You're better off with a nonBPD partner. Focus on your happiness not hers, you can't be held responsible for her behavior. [/quote]
Apart from the acting out, we could probably sustain a r/s. Problem is her suicide attempts, physical and verbal attacks, throwing things, crying, screaming, running to neighbors telling them I beat her, calling cops on me (although she's the attacker).

If she could just sit down and talk with me, we could sort things out. But as soon as it becomes discomforting AT ALL, she forgets, rewrites history, accuses me, starts crying or screaming etc. So whenever I felt that we had issue x, talking about it was the last thing I could do. Instead, I had to keep smiling and pretend like nothing. Because if I brought x up, she would go off in some way. This lead to the r/s buildning up more and more and more issues, until we had x and another hundred issues. This is when the r/s collapses with a boom, she comes back crying and promises to change. We put things behind us and start over. Issues start building up, and before you know it... .boom.

[UserName69]

Apart from the acting out, we could probably sustain a r/s. Problem is her suicide attempts, physical and verbal attacks, throwing things, crying, screaming, running to neighbors telling them I beat her, calling cops on me (although she's the attacker).

If she could just sit down and talk with me, we could sort things out. But as soon as it becomes discomforting AT ALL, she forgets, rewrites history, accuses me, starts crying or screaming etc. So whenever I felt that we had issue x, talking about it was the last thing I could do. Instead, I had to keep smiling and pretend like nothing. Because if I brought x up, she would go off in some way. This lead to the r/s buildning up more and more and more issues, until we had x and another hundred issues. This is when the r/s collapses with a boom, she comes back crying and promises to change. We put things behind us and start over. Issues start building up, and before you know it... .boom.

Sorry but everything you have mentioned are signs of a bomb that's going to explode. In a stable relationship you won't have to deal with all her emotions. Yes you might have a rs with her but for how long?

Just like you after every BU or fight one of us (usually it was me) reached out and got back together. Within a couple days we had a fight again. Me and my exBPD has a rs for 6 months and she drove me crazy (14 BU's in 6 months), some people her have a rs with a pwBPD which lasted for a couple years. I really wonder how they managed to stay with their pwBPD.

Once you move on and find new love it's very easy to forget about your exBPD.

[LonelyChild]

Once you move on and find new love it's very easy to forget about your exBPD.

I wish I didn't have to find new love. I wish I could just be on my own for a year or two and heal. I'm not there yet.

She just called me a few minutes ago, crying because she can't pay her bills. She's now being moved to the special needs living as well.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Lonely Child,

You are right, this is all FOG. I don't know how to end it. A part of me is hoping for her to make a mistake (like lying about something serious) so I have a reason to put all blame on her and get out.

It seems to me that when we are so bogged down in other people's trauma and wanting to make things better for them (so we can be happy or free), we forget one thing - we do not need to have a 'good' reason to leave a relationship. We can leave a relationship simply because we don't feel inspired, we don't have common interests, we don't fancy them that much, we like someone else better, we have other things we want to do as well as the fact it isn't making us happy or it is causing us too much pain.

I tried to explain my 'good' reason to my BPDxbf, (mutual triggers), he couldn't hear it and went n/c saying he'd never speak to me again. Personally, I think pwBPD simply can not hear the other person's perspective FULLSTOP.

Hang on in there. She'll try to make it all your problem because she can see that the FOG tactics are working. When she sees the tactics don't impact on your any more, she'll choose some other poor unsuspecting fellow to manipulate into trying to make things better for her.

Love Lifewriter

[antelope]

LC

I understand your dilemma. Seems like your ex is almost too unstable to leave at the moment - and you're too attached not to feel extreme guilt should she hurt yourself if you do depart. A classic 'double-bind' situation.  

You might have to do a phased withdrawal - but that supposes you're ex will stabilise in time - but there doesn't seem to much progress on that front if I'm reading things right?


Fanny

Ex is not stabilizing. Well, maybe slightly, but not to the point of having a functioning life. Me, I'm destabilizing. I basically just want to run and go to another country, start a new life. Which is kind of insane.

the only 'insane' thing you are doing is staying with her

re-read your comments in this thread... .on this forum... .

then do an inventory on all the positives and negatives of the relationship... .

try and remember who you were before you met her, and compare that to who you are now... .

she doesn't love you... .she doesn't know how  :'(

[maxen]

hi LonelyChild. i'm really sorry for the predicament you're in, it sounds like you're trying to do the best by everybody.

may i ask, if this is your xgf, what is the level or frequency of your interaction with her?

[Kelli Cornett]

I was in this predicament last summer and I chose my ex BPD and now I'm all alone this summer. Dumped by both people. It's awful.


Chose that new girl! Biggest regret was repeating the same thing over expecting new results. As hard as it is try and let that girl go and embrace something new that could turn out to be the best thing for you.

2 cents!

[myself]

You are right, this is all FOG. I don't know how to end it. A part of me is hoping for her to make a mistake (like lying about something serious) so I have a reason to put all blame on her and get out.

Hasn't there already been enough negativity to not have to blame her for everything but to see it's just too 'crazy' being with her/being in contact? Yeah, it sounds like FOG is still affecting you. Can you see (as I had to face, as well as so many of us here) that hanging on/not letting go is like being your own FOG machine, obscuring a healthier way out of this? Her actions don't sound very loving. More like attachment problems and desperation. Are you also seeing some of that in yourself? If not, that's good. If so, keep working on it. Because the choice to truly make things better is up to you, and waiting for her to change/mess up even more is just spinning your wheels. I resisted letting go, and in the end it was deciding between this deep pain (staying) or that deep pain (leaving) but I couldn't keep putting myself in the line of her disordered fire. Much of what you wrote resonates with what I've been through. You have to choose yourself for best results. Anyone who wants to peacefully join your journey with theirs needs to step up and meet you in the middle, not drag you down/make threats/etc.

[LonelyChild]

hi LonelyChild. i'm really sorry for the predicament you're in, it sounds like you're trying to do the best by everybody.

may i ask, if this is your xgf, what is the level or frequency of your interaction with her?

Right now, several times every week of phone calls and me visiting her. I tried to ignore her a few days, but I ended up crying for feeling so sorry for her. Her family of origin won't visit her. She has nothing. She might as well die if she loses me too, to be honest. She called me today telling me she couldn't pay her bills, so now she got registered as not being able to pay bills, so she will not be able to get a new apartment for 3 years. Her life is effed. There's almost no hope whatsoever.

[Surg_Bear]

hi LonelyChild. i'm really sorry for the predicament you're in, it sounds like you're trying to do the best by everybody.

may i ask, if this is your xgf, what is the level or frequency of your interaction with her?

Right now, several times every week of phone calls and me visiting her. I tried to ignore her a few days, but I ended up crying for feeling so sorry for her. Her family of origin won't visit her. She has nothing. She might as well die if she loses me too, to be honest. She called me today telling me she couldn't pay her bills, so now she got registered as not being able to pay bills, so she will not be able to get a new apartment for 3 years. Her life is effed. There's almost no hope whatsoever.

She's desperately clinging to the hope that you'll rescue her again.

She's pretty close to rock bottom. She might need to actually become homeless before she realizes the only person who can truly rescue her is herself. You cannot rescue her.  She will continue to drag you to her level, as it is impossible to raise her to yours.

You can continue to believe that my way of thinking is wrong- until you become homeless with her, and you hit your rock bottom.  You sound to me like the person who doesn't need to get that low before realizing it is time to fend for yourself.

How can you get by without her?  What do you need to happen for it to be about saving yourself instead of saving her?  Why do you need to be with a person who continually needs to be saved?

The ticket for a slick and easy way out is not-so hidden in your answers to those three questions. Can you take an hour or two, to sit down and write a letter to yourself, or someone you looked up to in your life, and answer these questions?

I truly believe that HOPE for you is inside YOU. Not her, not a loving relationship. Not an "emotionally mature" marriage.  Your hope is your own.

Look for it, and when you find it- you'll be free. Together or separate from her, you'll finally be free.

Love,

Surg_Bear

[apollotech]

LC,

I would question whether your ex is still in love with you or this is just her idealizing you due to her own fears of abandonment. You can answer that question for yourself better than anyone. Because a BPD's behavior is so needs driven/dictated, I would certainly look to see what she is personally getting out of the "still in love with you" situation.

[LonelyChild]

LC,

I would question whether your ex is still in love with you or this is just her idealizing you due to her own fears of abandonment. You can answer that question for yourself better than anyone. Because a BPD's behavior is so needs driven/dictated, I would certainly look to see what she is personally getting out of the "still in love with you" situation.

Well, I don't know. BPD love is very needs driven. But so is mine. I mean, who doesn't need to be loved? It's not either or, it's a spectrum. pwBPD might need it more than others.

She's not getting anything out of it, really, other than emotional support. I don't really do anything for her anymore. I used to take her out to dinners, give her money, wash her clothes, whatever. With some resistance. I don't do anything anymore. But either way, there's always a practical aspect to a r/s. So I can't be sure.

I don't know what she loves about me though. She says I'm the most intelligent people she's ever met. Which I think she means, because I've heard that from many persons. She also says I'm very good looking. I don't think I am. She's also said I'm very ugly, so I wouldn't know if it's sincere or not.

I couldn't accuse her of being needs driven, because I am the one who is DEFINITELY needs driven since I need to stay in contact with her to not get anxiety attacks.