A strange twist.

[Butterfly12]

So, yesterday afternoon I went to pick up my children from my husband's apartment where his mother (who is currently living with him) was watching them while I was at work. I usually don't spend any time there at all- as he would like to make the drop off/pick up in a public place so that he and I have minimal "alone" time. Slowly this is changing... .but anyway... .So yesterday my daughter wanted to show me something in the room she sleeps in, so I follow her in. As I walk through the living room area I notice two things. One, there are photos I took on the wall. Two, there is a little "alter" like space of things. In it are: a necklace of mine that I gave him long ago, as well as a few other little trinkets that hold meaning for him and I.

Wtf? I don't understand. He so readily says all the time he "isn't in love with me," yet "wants to rebuild our family for the kids," and that He believes I'm the one who is lying, with issues, and "not accepting our separation."

What's with the alter?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Stalwart]

Hey Butterfly.

I’ll take a stab in the dark at this without getting too far involved in the theories and definitions behind it because honestly, it would contain volumes to even begin to scratch the surface of it and the conflicts that are found in different thinking’s on this.

Masterson in his study defined Object constancy or better put, LACK of Object Constancy in a person with BPD as being, "unable to hold the memory of significant others in mind" so let’s just leave it at that definition for the purpose of your question; “Why the alter?”

I think most of us do this to some degree. A treasured family member passes and we want an article that belonged to them, “in memory of them.” That doesn’t mean we live with that article or those photographs in our view at all times, but there are the times we pull them out just to bolster in our reminiscing of them and our love or feelings of the past we shared with them.

In the case of BPD holding onto, (or actually, more aptly put in my understanding) or developing and maintaining that emotional (not physical) connectivity and memory pattern is strained, if present in their abilities at all, (in the way we understand and relate to it).

There is an absolute need to have a constant reminder of someone to remain connected to them in an emotional or even physical state of mind. If it helps consider the term “out of sight – out of mind.”

He’s ensuring in the best way he can that he’s keeping you in his thoughts and his mind.

Maybe not as much an alter as a collection of visual memories and symbols Butterfly.


Hope this helps.

[Butterfly12]

Ok. Well. I can see that. The addition to this that I dealt with today was this:

I get to work and several hours later during my lunch check my phone. There are text messages and emails from him... .the text messages are to a friend and have been CC'd to me. They kindly apologize for something that occurred a month ago. Next, I opened the emails. IN them, they blast me for not sharing something that was very clearly none of their business. And while they are at it, they bring up a conversation I had with someone (who obviously felt the need to share with him) about how badly I feel that our communications are so bad.

THE thing is, every couple weeks, things can be going great, and I'm empathic and kind and validating- listening and being sure to offer my own responsibility for my actions. But he flips. And it's all me. All me. All me.

I just don't understand how this can be rational. And if he wants to hold on to something that is "ME", as with the alter, what's with the constant blame, bad mouthing and shaming? What's with the hostility? What the heck?

[Stalwart]

Hey Butterfly:

"I just don't understand how this can be rational". If you cant understand that, then you're on your first-leg to understanding it Butterfly.

Someone with BPD doesn't necessarily think in a rational manner. That's the root of the entire problem trying to understand. We have the ability to rationalize a situation because we were born with and developed a healthy transmission of synaptic nerve ways that allowed us the full development of emotional abilities and scope of rationale. For probably both genetic and environmental reasons your husband didn't and by it's basic definition - that is BPD.

Ability to rationalize = healthy mental state, while inability to rationalize in that same healthy way = challenged mental state or ability. Your husband by his illness is far more likely to "feel" and immediately react to a situation, environment or statement than he is to stop, think and rationalize the intent or meaning behind a given situation or comment. He will feel and act generally with immediate emotional responses. All too often those responses are conditioned to 'protect' himself against a really fragile and fragmented sense of identity and self-worth.

If he perceives all good - well all good. If he perceives or feels challenged by something it will be equally all bad with few perceptions of any depth or measure in between the two extremes. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

These are the same differences in perception and understanding that make it so, so hard for us to understand and in the same token so difficult for them to understand us.

[Butterfly12]

So then what?

Obviously there is no rationalizing with him. Obviously. So HOW do I cope with unrational all the time? How do I deal? He has NO idea that he has borderline. None. And even if he did, he would only blame me for it. I can't be the one to tell him either.

Sigh. This feels hopeless.

[Stalwart]

Hopelessness? There's a topic to tackle Butterfly.

I'm a bit tied up this morning but I'd really like to tackle that one later.

You hang in there Butterfly. Believe me if there's one place most of us have been - it's right where you are. There's always hope.