What was the last straw for you to know relationship over

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello all. I posted already about an incident that happened to me this morning at the hands of my BPDw. She crossed the line and pushed me and shoved me across the room as she screamed obscenities at me, told me she hated me. This was the first time that she put her hands on me. There were several times previously that she got in my face, backed me into a corner and tried to intimidate me. I have never laid a hand on her, not even to defend myself or try to get past her. Calmly I would just ask her to move back.

The argument today was over my request that she help me clean the kitchen. I tried to ask nicely. She said no. I got upset and stupidly tried to make my point, which of course just made it worse ( see my other posts) .

My BPDw knows my history. I grew up with a Mother who more than once took to slapping me. I had one relationship when I was in college with a girl that would get physical when we argued. After she gave me a "shiner" I left. Thank God it only lasted 4 months. The shame of this ( letting this girl do this to me) I carried around for a long time. I told my BPDw about how I felt, that it was my "achilles heal". She always told me that she abhorred violence and could never do that to anyone that she loved especially me.

I was mostly shocked when it happened this morning. I couldn't believe it was her doing this to me. Her of all people. How could she. The only conclusion that I have come to is that in addition to her BPD, she also has come to a stage where she has no respect for me and does not love me anymore. That is a tough bill to swallow.

So THIS WAS THE LAST STRAW for me.

WHAT was YOURS?

By the way, have any of you experience violence by your BPD? And was this violence your last straw?

Thanks friends!

[michel71]

Hello all. I posted already about an incident that happened to me this morning at the hands of my BPDw. She crossed the line and pushed me and shoved me across the room as she screamed obscenities at me, told me she hated me. This was the first time that she put her hands on me. There were several times previously that she got in my face, backed me into a corner and tried to intimidate me. I have never laid a hand on her, not even to defend myself or try to get past her. Calmly I would just ask her to move back.

The argument today was over my request that she help me clean the kitchen. I tried to ask nicely. She said no. I got upset and stupidly tried to make my point, which of course just made it worse ( see my other posts) .

My BPDw knows my history. I grew up with a Mother who more than once took to slapping me. I had one relationship when I was in college with a girl that would get physical when we argued. After she gave me a "shiner" I left. Thank God it only lasted 4 months. The shame of this ( letting this girl do this to me) I carried around for a long time. I told my BPDw about how I felt, that it was my "achilles heal". She always told me that she abhorred violence and could never do that to anyone that she loved especially me.

I was mostly shocked when it happened this morning. I couldn't believe it was her doing this to me. Her of all people. How could she. The only conclusion that I have come to is that in addition to her BPD, she also has come to a stage where she has no respect for me and does not love me anymore. That is a tough bill to swallow.

So THIS WAS THE LAST STRAW for me.

WHAT was YOURS?

By the way, have any of you experience violence by your BPD? And was this violence your last straw?

Thanks friends!

[rotiroti]

Yowza, you have the patience of a saint! I was actually your story from the deciding forum and am glad to see you here. Physical harm is an absolute deal breaker in my mind, BPD or not.

[Discovered]

I really do commend you on your patience. It seems like the people with the most enduring will are mistreated. I relate to the fact that you cannot seem to argue your case as sensible ad it is. The last straw for me was Friday. I spilled a drop of sauce in the kitchen and was severely criticized. I explained I couldn't wipe it up right away bc so we n used all of the paper towels. Then she grabbed my hair and spit in my face. I told her I was going to call the police as she has been violent before. So she overpowered me and tried to take my phone. My shirt was ripped. The straw was her daughter became involved and began attacking me too. She told her if I called the police I'd ruin her life

[UserName69]

There were a couple reasons why I decided to move on. She drove me crazy with her push pull behavior. At some point I really started to hate her, and the hate I felt made a lot of things easier. Her bday was coming and she told me that she didn't knew if she would give a party, I still wanted to buy her a present. She ignored me, she didn't want to see me. She never replied on my texts. Later she told me that she was planning a party but she didn't invite me. Of course I became very angry, to me this is betrayal.

Once when we broke up, we broke up for a long period. She told me that it was over. One day I went to a bar and I met an another girl. She was pretty and very friendly. I had a great chat with her and later we exchanged phone numbers. I kept contact with her, couple weeks later my exBPD told me that she missed me and wants me back.

Later my exBPD ended the RS. First she said we're a bad match. Couple days later she said she needs space. Oh boy what a liar. I had to go to my country to retrieve and sign a couple documents. I told her that she had changed a lot she wasn't the girl I met. When I called her to tell her I was leaving for one week she told me to F*ck off and hang up the phone on me. The other girl wished me a safe trip and I asked her if I could bring anything for her. She wanted a dress later I got it for her. I gave it to her and didn't ask for anything back. She insisted and wanted to pay me back. I refused, later she texted me and wanted to go out with me for dinner. Who cares, I was single anyways.

So my exBPD broke up with me, but she still wanted to be a friend. What the hell is the point of that? I knew she wanted to stay friends just to keep me whenever she needs a guy. I'm not a toy. She was begging for attention on FB I ignored her (yeah she didn't like it now she felt how I felt when she ignored me out of the blue). I had enough of her games and told her I'm dating an another girl. She freaked out and said she would commit suicide. She said this just to run my day. Next day she pretended like nothing happened. Which made me so upset. At this moment I hated her so much, because she tried to manipulate me.

I wrote her a PM on FB. I thanked her for treating me like sh!t, and dumping me over and over. Because of that I met this other girl. She got angry and blocked me from FB. I decided to get rid of everything that reminded me of her, she gave me a book once I simply returned it to her. She became very upset. She didn't like the idea that I moved on, from her view it's me who dumped her but in reality she was the one who ended it. She sends me a couple rude texts so I told her that she is the biggest loser I have ever met in my life. I told her whenever I look to an another girl I realize that you are and always be a loser and will never achieve anything in your life. I told her I hate her a lot and never hated someone like this before.

Be blocked each other on FB, phone. And I blocked her e-mail too just in case she's going to contact me with some sad puppy story. So these are the things which made me hate her, which made me move on. The girl I used to date with is my girlfriend now for a while and so far so good. I can't believe how I used to keep with my exBPD. Yeah I know it might sound a little bit harsh but at one moment I decided to give her a big F you and move on. I don't care how or what or who she's doing now. I know I have a better future then she will ever have. The best thing is to leave them and move on. The more you stick with them the worse they become.

With the money I wanted to buy her a gift, I bought a box of Cuban cigars. It was the first cigar I ever smoked and so far it was the best one. I really enjoyed every puff of it  

EDIT:

Just in case you wondered how crazy the rs was? 14 breakups within 6 months. Go figure how crazy she drove me.

[willtimeheal]

The last straw for me was last summer when she went ballistic on me when we were on vacation. I got back from a hike with her son and she asked me if I had a good time texting my ex while hiking. I had no idea what she was talking about. That was followed  by a rampage of abusive statements towards me for the next hour or so. It was the moment she accused me of talking to my ex that I knew she had started talking to my replacement. It was always the same pattern. She  would be the one cheating and accuse me of cheating. I walked away when we got back from the vacation. I told myself when we decided to "give it another shot" if she cheated again I was done. I will never forget that empty feeling in my stomach when I just knew.

[Tay25]

The last straw for me was when she triangulated me with her friend and her friend verbally assaulted me. I realized at that moment that I was dealing with children in adult bodies and I had no reason to play in their game. Thank god they aren't in my life anymore, I'm sure they are having fun stirring drama in their other relationships.

[Surg_Bear]

I've made a few posts in Undecided about my sexless marriage.  While to this day, my wife denies that she ever withheld sex from me, she concedes in not having any other explanation for why we went three years and had sex once a year, if it wasn't her withdrawal and taking sex off the table.

The last straw for me was a rage that happened about sex, when I was naked and in bed with her.  Pretty much as vulnerable as I could possibly be in front of her, and she went to town.  It was so hurtful, so incredible hurtful.

She said some horribly nasty, unrepeatable things that were completely unforgivable.

I knew she found me sexually repulsive already (I received an e-mail intended for her therapist that was sent to me by mistake that went in sordid details about why she didn't want to have sex in our marriage). 

I left for 10 days out of concern for my own safety, after the sex rage.  I never meant it to be a permanent thing, but looking back on my emotional landscape, I really did check out for good.

But I returned home because I wanted to give her a chance to work with me to make things better (I thought it wouldn't be that hard to make things better than "it's over" but it has been impossible).  It has been 2 months of realizing that things cannot be better.  There was an even worse rage than the sex one.  But, by then, I had already decided that I needed to save myself. 

I'm working on my exit plan.  For this to work, and for me to not get Charmed back into this passionless, one-sided, eggshell walking crap of a 25 year relationship, I need to have all of my ducks in a row.

During her last rage, she threatened to destroy my career, but refused to say how she would do this.  I know that she is only one carefully planned, viciously executed false allegation away from making that happen.  (I have nothing to hide in my career- but if she made something up- something so heinous, she could make it so I would have to stop practicing and spend a fortune of money and time clearing my good name; only to find that I am not welcome back to the job I consider the best job in the world).

I can't take this anymore.

The camel's back has been broken.

Surg_Bear

[rotiroti]

Oh man Surg  hang in there! You have the patience of a saint, I don't think I could've handled that e-mail... .




My story of the straw that broke the camel's back... it was our first and only fight (Albeit it was a 4 day affair). Never had I seen such emotional, aggressive, demeaning, illogical, paranoid, accusing, and controlling behavior —in the extreme. On the last day she used personal secrets and my short-comings as salvo for her criticisms. That violation of trust is a huge deal breaker for me, BPD or not.

[Michelle27]

It kills me that I let so many "last straws" go by over the years.  I'll start by listing the things that SHOULD have been last straws.

1.  His first major rage was on our wedding day, throwing his wedding ring at me on a public beach.

2.  How he treated my oldest daughter from my first marriage.  He actually manufactured stuff/gaslighted her (yes, has since admitted it) to make her look bad.  After years of this he claimed that because his son from his first marriage was "damaged" (from being sexually abused in his Mother's home), he needed to even things up by damaging my daughter from my first marriage.

3.  5 years ago when I realized he likely had BPD and desperately tried to get him help, he sabotaged`3 different marriage counseling attempts and a Couple's Communication Course I signed us up for.  Yes, he admits now he did this.

4.  :)uring all of those attempts to get help over a period of a year, I now know he was having a year long affair with my friend.

5.  I took him to the hospital to be evaluated and he manipulated the situation to make it look like a simple domestic argument and got sent home.  Raged horribly on the way home and I had to call 911.  He was taken by police to the hospital and the hospital kept him overnight because the police insisted.

6.  There was a period of several years where I carried an overnight bag in my car in case I had to flee at night.  I had pj's, toothbrush and work clothes so I would never get stuck.

7.  Stalking behaviors including following me, driving by to check when I was at a girlfriend's house and snooping through my phone and computer.  After I told him I was "done" I caught him driving past the place I was staying with friends.

And what finally pulled the trigger for me:  We've been separated for 3 months.  After several comments about wanting to use my panties to masturbate with and my telling him I don't want to hear it, he told me how good it was and he wanted to do it again.  I was wearing a dress and he actually walked up to me and tried to remove the panties I had on.  *shudder*

[Pretty Woman]

I knew it was over when she told me she didn't think we were anything more than friends and "no one else is in the picture" to by the end of the conversation finding out she was interested in someone we both just met... .and then finding out they kissed.

Two weeks later she is blowing up FB that she loves her girlfriend. This confused some mutual friends who had no idea that WASN'T me she was talking about.



It is what it is. I accepted horrific behavior by a person that refuses to take any responsibility for themselves.

She has cheated on every ex be it emotionally and or physically. I knew this within a week of knowing her. The replacement will get the same treatment.

This time I am focusing on me and why I attracted this. Why I stayed.

She will be back. I am hoping by then, the "new and improved" me will be in place.

[Lucky Jim]

6.  There was a period of several years where I carried an overnight bag in my car in case I had to flee at night.  I had pj's, toothbrush and work clothes so I would never get stuck.

I did the same thing.  Never knew when I might need to spend the night at a motel, if my BPDxW went on a rampage and kicked me out.  Years later, my T pointed this out as a big red flag.   

My BPDxW used to stalk me and follow me everywhere in our home in order to prevent me from sleeping.     She used the full BPD arsenal of F-O-G in her attempts to control and manipulate me.

My T asked me if I thought that I had tried everything.  I answered, Yes.  She replied that she thought so, too.      After that, I knew it was all over but the shouting. 

LuckyJim

[Lifewriter16]

My second to last straw was when my BPDxbf told me I was thoughtless for telling him I wished I was dead. He  said I was 'thoughtless' because he is a widower and I should have known it would upset him and not said it. I realised that I can not share the feelings I have with him. It is all about him and his feelings.

The actual last straw was when I attempted to set boundaries to reduce the frequency in which we text each other because they have caused so much trouble between us. I said I would respond to his texts twice a day, in the morning and at tea time. We had talked about how damaging our text communication is earlier that day and I told him how anxious I am when he texts me in case I say or do the wrong thing and he gets angry with me and dumps me etc. He texted me at 9pm (five hours later) and when I failed to respond called me 'rude' and 'arrogant' and said 'I am sick of your silly rules'. He went on to say I was a 'callous, heartless b___' and 'you'll never hear from me again'. I decided to take him at his word. I was incensed that he could call me those names even though we'd sat and talked about boundaries quite recently and I'd told him how upset I get when he calls me names. I also realised: 1) that he can't hear what I say even when I ensure I share fully what I am thinking and feeling (it made me wonder if he actually dissociates); 2) he will not respect my boundaries when I set them. Indeed he deliberately tests them. To top it all, I'd heard him apparently having a conversation with someone in the kitchen. When I asked him about it, he said he was talking to the voices in his head, as if he was making a joke but it sounded like that was exactly what was happening. Perhaps he has always been more unwell than I had realised. At this point, any hope of positive change taking place because I set boundaries left. It felt hopeless.

Thanks to this website, I am reminded everyday of why it is pointless and hopeless.

Lifewriter

[Lucky Jim]

I also realised: 1) that he can't hear what I say even when I ensure I share fully what I am thinking and feeling (it made me wonder if he actually dissociates); 2) he will not respect my boundaries when I set them. Indeed he deliberately tests them.

Agree w/you, Lifewriter.  I had the same experience.  They only hear what they want to hear and have no respect for boundaries, which they think don't apply to them.

LuckyJim

[Lucinda]

3.  5 years ago when I realized he likely had BPD and desperately tried to get him help, he sabotaged`3 different marriage counseling attempts and a Couple's Communication Course I signed us up for.  Yes, he admits now he did

6.  There was a period of several years where I carried an overnight bag in my car in case I had to flee at night.  I had pj's, toothbrush and work clothes so I would never get stuck.

Michelle27 I like you also have a large list of what should have been final straws and I'm currently still making a feeble attempt at leaving. Not quite there yet. I just particularly related to your number 3 and 6. I also tried counselling but after my BF cancelling making excuses why he couldn't go, then when he did go he'd manipulate everything to make it look like I was dramatising things. I ended up meeting alone with the counsellor and explained his BOD but the counsellor wasn't familiar with it deeming the whole process uneffective and pointless.

Your number 6 especially- I currently have an overnight bag in my car and also a spare phone. Last time I had to leave in the night he hacked my Apple ID and reset/shut my iPhone down and also used it to activate my lost phone gps. This should really be my reason to call it quits... .

[Aussie JJ]

I had a list, turned it around and made it into a list of things I would never accept from anyone again in any situation. 

For me, their were things that ended it before I knew it was over.  It happened multiple times and I tolerated it hoping that it would change or become better again if I just worked harder.  Sound familiar... .

In the end, for me when "it ended" for me was when I had learnt enough about BPD and tried to be supportive and empathetic to her situation and I had it thrown back in my face.  I got told that "I no longer met her emotional needs". 

Mind you, at this point she had a new BF and everything and was to a large extent trying to re-parent our son with her new BF, I felt like their was no other way out and decided I would work through anything to not have him live in that, I will be their and put up with the abuse so he doesn't have to attitude.  I know see how wrong this is however from her mothers behaviours (also has BPD) I wanted to be their to prevent our son getting that abuse down the line form his own mother, I would prefer to get hit myself than have him hit. 

This may not sound like much, "emotional needs", however to me it was very symbolic and allowed me to link multiple behaviours together.  We had a dog when we first got together, 18 months later she had the dog put down.  I remember when she got the dog on morning with no notice, I questioned it and got blasted for "making her feel bad for doing something good for herself"  and that "The dog is their every morning and fills all my emotional needs" (we were not living together at that stage)

18 months later when she was complaining about the dog I started walking it regularly to sort of keep her happy.  2 weeks later she had the dog put down when I was at work because it was dangerous. 

I was no different to the dog, I wa sn the process of being killed off by her.  That ended it for me beyond anything else. 

The dog was idolised, devalued and put down. 

I was idolised, devalued and cast aside

I don't want to be involved with her when she decides if she ever does to cast aside our son. 

I miss my friend of 10 years, I miss the partner whom I thought I had met whom was that friend.  I think its important that we don't make out ex partners or children's other parents to be the devil, it isn't healthy for us in the long run.  It is horrible having our ex partners putting their judgement onto us and it isn't our pace to judge them either in the same fashion. 

I don't miss what was hiding under the shiny book cover in a horrible mental illness.  I still feel sorry for her for that however I cant be apart of it at all for my own mental health and for my sons development and future. 


AJJ. 

[monkeygirl555]

I was no different to the dog, I wa sn the process of being killed off by her.  That ended it for me beyond anything else. 

The dog was idolised, devalued and put down. 

I was idolised, devalued and cast aside

[monkeygirl555]

idealised, devalued and cast aside.

For me there were many many red flags. The total lack of trust, the constant push pull - I hate you, don't leave me... .belittling and critical, made me doubt my abilities in everything. I was constantly on edge

He even put me though a lie detector test as he did not believe I wasn't cheating. I passed but obviously had shagged the lie detector test man in order too.

Spent 2 years with my eyes closed, hoping that the man I fell in love with would come back.

Its always perfect at first - the idolise you and they project to be a person they are not in order to ensnare you - but they cant keep it up. No ones perfect and as soon as they have a reason to wobble the pedestal they have put you on, they spend forever kicking it out from under you then as you are struggling for breath - push it back under just long enough for you to stay alive before kicking it out again.

Its hard NC and actually after 6 weeks of nothing had an out of the blue email yesterday... .

short and sweet - ''Yeah its hard, cant believe we got to here''

Cant and wont reply. its hard and ill love him forever, but the bad was so bad it makes you forget the good.

[FrenchConnection]

The last straw was when she would become so angry and abusive with her words for no logical reason.  She would curse at me or rudely yell that all i wanted was sex with her.  She would become another person completely in these moments.  No amount of talking or rationalizing would calm her or bring her to her senses.  She became a woman filled with bitterness and anger and i would take the brunt of it.  There was no physical violence or threats. 

After she did this "outburst" she threw me and my young children out of her apartment the next morning at 6 am (we were staying at her house during a vacation for a week). 

That was when i clearly understood there were mental issues going on.  I stopped the relation at that point.

2 more recycles happened after that.  Both times the relationship ended as soon as she had another outburst of behaviour which was irrational, verbally abusive, and very hurtful toward me.  She never apologized.   I realized the pattern was continuing and decided it was healthier for me to never see her or have contact with her again.  That was over 6 months ago.  Happy to say that no contact has still been maintained.

[Lucky Jim]

she had another outburst of behaviour which was irrational, verbally abusive, and very hurtful toward me.  She never apologized.   I realized the pattern was continuing and decided it was healthier for me to never see her or have contact with her again.  That was over 6 months ago.  Happy to say that no contact has still been maintained.

Hey FrenchConnection, I admire your good sense to bail out and not look back.  Some of us (read me) are slower learners!  I endured a long-term marriage to a pwBPD and saw her symptoms grow worse over time.  The outbursts that used to happen once a month began happening once a week, then more frequently . . . .

LuckyJim

[FrenchConnection]

she had another outburst of behaviour which was irrational, verbally abusive, and very hurtful toward me.  She never apologized.   I realized the pattern was continuing and decided it was healthier for me to never see her or have contact with her again.  That was over 6 months ago.  Happy to say that no contact has still been maintained.

Hey FrenchConnection, I admire your good sense to bail out and not look back.  Some of us (read me) are slower learners!  I endured a long-term marriage to a pwBPD and saw her symptoms grow worse over time.  The outbursts that used to happen once a month began happening once a week, then more frequently . . . .

LuckyJim

If i had been invested as much as you were and in a marriage with her, it would have been much more difficult for me to bail out.  Our relationship was only 9 months. 

[sas1729]

Michel,

Incredible endurance and compassion.

I was with my exBPD gf for 2.5 years. During this time, she vehemently despised my family. I was caught in the middle, since of course my family was very hurt. I saw my mother for literally one day throughout 2013. It was my fault that I mistreated my family so poorly. But being with someone with BPD, you must understand the kind of fighting that took place.

So that was the first thing. Second came the physical stuff. On several occasions (few but more than one) she raged at me and flung her fists around, striking me. More than the physical impact, it was the complete disrespect of me that was impressed on me by her behaviour.

That was still not good enough for me to end it.

The final came just before Christmas. It took three "attempts" to break up with her. I was seeing a therapist at the time. He looked at me and said, "If you do not do this now you never will." The full weight of what he said gave me the split-second, outside view of what my life had become. A person imprisoned from his family, jumpy at any suggestion, unable to voice an opinion, and generally used because I stuck around.

She was an educated person with a group of friends. It was night and day at times, like what most people in a relationship with a BPD have experienced. But it was that one sentence that crystallized what had become a blur of negativity, pain, and an utterly hollow shell of a life.

I remember I biked over to her on a Friday afternoon, leaving work. It had become too much. I burst into the apt (I basically lived there and had a key). She was home at the time (which I also knew). I loved her immensely but it had become too painful. I had to look out for myself.

It's strange, looking back, how 2.5 years can come to an end in fifteen minutes. I said it was over, that I would get my stuff back and leave the key. In retrospect, after learning about other people's experiences, I had it easy. I was lucky. No recycles, no contacts. Fifteen minutes later, I walked out onto the street. I actually laughed, I think, from the elation of having faced what I had been too afraid to. My friends immediately met me and we had a nice time. I finally had a nice time with my friends.

The pain only began the next morning. It was a Saturday. I knew that she would be away that weekend, so having received direct permission to return to the apt I did. Every good memory came flooding back. I cried. When I got what I had, which was not a lot, I walked outside and faced the street. The full emptiness of my life confronted me.

I apologize for the lengthy post. There really is no one, single thing that happened, other than the therapist's sentence. For most of the time near the end, life was a blur. And then I faced the challenge of reconstructing everything. My family, my friends, my work, and myself.

[rotiroti]

Oh man 

The pain only began the next morning. It was a Saturday. I knew that she would be away that weekend, so having received direct permission to return to the apt I did. Every good memory came flooding back. I cried. When I got what I had, which was not a lot, I walked outside and faced the street. The full emptiness of my life confronted me.

I hope you realize that emptiness was actually the beginning of the rest of your life. As corny as that may sound, the freedom is very real. It's never too late to start again.

[SummerStorm]

Its always perfect at first - the idolise you and they project to be a person they are not in order to ensnare you - but they cant keep it up. No ones perfect and as soon as they have a reason to wobble the pedestal they have put you on, they spend forever kicking it out from under you then as you are struggling for breath - push it back under just long enough for you to stay alive before kicking it out again.

I even told mine to stop telling me I'm perfect and to stop putting me on a pedestal.  When she kicked it out from under me, she kicked hard.

[Loosestrife]

Oh man 

The pain only began the next morning. It was a Saturday. I knew that she would be away that weekend, so having received direct permission to return to the apt I did. Every good memory came flooding back. I cried. When I got what I had, which was not a lot, I walked outside and faced the street. The full emptiness of my life confronted me.

I hope you realize that emptiness was actually the beginning of the rest of your life. As corny as that may sound, the freedom is very real. It's never too late to start again.

Thanks for this alternative view, it's really helpful.

[Loosestrife]

My final straw should have been being physically attacked,  but I forgave and tried to rebuild the relationship. The trouble is you can never really trust a person again 100% once they have done something like that.

[Nocheering]

My last straw was discovering her affair.  It had been going on for 2 years.  Actually, I caught it early, after a month or two, when I noticed she was texting her boyfriend 15-20 times a day.  I confronted her, she admitted it, said she broke my trust and that it was over.  That lasted for 16 months until she accidentally put a hotel room charge on our credit card.  I saw it, went to a lawyer.  He recommended a PI who spent a month tailing her.  Every time she went to therapy, she then met her boyfriend for dinner and sex in his car.  PI had them in multiple hotel rooms.  So, with plenty of evidence I confronted her.  She denied, denied, denied until I brought up so many details that she admitted.  Told her to leave, she begged to stay as it was 3 weeks before Christmas.  The rest of December, she had me thinking she was going to re-commit to the relationship.  Then I caught them texting in January.  And again in March.  Ordered her to leave, she said she was "sick", had "issues."  Could she stay while she worked on them.  But that was enough for me.

Did a lot of forensic digging on credit cards, e-mails, texts.  Back to the first time I caught her and she vowed it was over, she opened a new e-mail account specifically for contacting her boyfriend 3 weeks after vowing it was over.

Now, we're waiting until the end of the month when our oldest turns 18.  Then we will have a formal separation.  She thinks (keeps hinting) that the separation will be an avenue for us to "find ourselves back to each other."

Keep dreaming.  This is my out.  Catching her 5 times in the midst of the affair is enough for me.

Like others here, I wonder about my future.  But I also have faith that everything will work out in the end and I will find happiness eventually.

In retrospect, giving her a second chance was not the worst decision I ever made.  Giving her a third, fourth and fifth chance, those were all three the worst decisions I have ever made.

[michel71]

I want to thank you all for your wonderful posts. I set a boundary with her after her blow up. I told her "never again". If it happens again, I will call the police, have you arrested, put you out of my house ( it's my separate property) and get a restraining order.

The other boundary I have is financial. By early next year, she should be gainfully employed making very very good money ( 6 figures). IF she does not contribute financially, that's it.

As you can guess, I have recycled. I have felt so many types of emotions, a combination of hope and... .guilt. Guilt that I am still putting up with this crap because I can't stop loving her.

[confusedinny]

Being punched in the face upon discovering her affair. That was a good wake up call. I was also driving at the time, could have easily killed someone.

She blamed me for it of course.

[Madison66]

I was about totally worn out by the emotional abuse for a few years and then in the last month, she got physical with me.  Both times pushing her way through closed doors, not allowing me to leave the abuse and then pushed me against a wall.  First time I was shocked and didn't know what to do.  Of course, it was my fault.  The second time, I booted her out of my life for good.  I'm nineteen months removed from that decision and I have no regrets!

[klacey3]

It kills me that I let so many "last straws" go by over the years.  I'll start by listing the things that SHOULD have been last straws.

1.  His first major rage was on our wedding day, throwing his wedding ring at me on a public beach.

2.  How he treated my oldest daughter from my first marriage.  He actually manufactured stuff/gaslighted her (yes, has since admitted it) to make her look bad.  After years of this he claimed that because his son from his first marriage was "damaged" (from being sexually abused in his Mother's home), he needed to even things up by damaging my daughter from my first marriage.

3.  5 years ago when I realized he likely had BPD and desperately tried to get him help, he sabotaged`3 different marriage counseling attempts and a Couple's Communication Course I signed us up for.  Yes, he admits now he did this.

4.  :)uring all of those attempts to get help over a period of a year, I now know he was having a year long affair with my friend.

5.  I took him to the hospital to be evaluated and he manipulated the situation to make it look like a simple domestic argument and got sent home.  Raged horribly on the way home and I had to call 911.  He was taken by police to the hospital and the hospital kept him overnight because the police insisted.

6.  There was a period of several years where I carried an overnight bag in my car in case I had to flee at night.  I had pj's, toothbrush and work clothes so I would never get stuck.

7.  Stalking behaviors including following me, driving by to check when I was at a girlfriend's house and snooping through my phone and computer.  After I told him I was "done" I caught him driving past the place I was staying with friends.

And what finally pulled the trigger for me:  We've been separated for 3 months.  After several comments about wanting to use my panties to masturbate with and my telling him I don't want to hear it, he told me how good it was and he wanted to do it again.  I was wearing a dress and he actually walked up to me and tried to remove the panties I had on.  *shudder*

Michelle your story sounds truly awful. I am so sorry to hear you went through all of that. You will find someone so much better!

I left when he accused me of making it up about a close family member being seriously ill. He said I was making up excuses to be with another guy. He apologised for it and then took the apology back when I didnt reply to him!

I should have left a long time ago... when he threatened to f*** me up and post nasty things about me on social media if i didnt call him, for telling me he had suicide letters written after I told him I didnt want to talk to him or see him, for telling me i was selfish or horrible (plus worse insults) if ever i pulled him up on something he did or asked for a need of mine to be met, when he told another girl he had feelings for her and blamed her for it. In general for the hypocritial controlling and manipulation he put me through.