It's over. I am relieved.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After 9 years of living in hell and walking on eggshells, my marriage to my BPD husband is over.  For years, I believed the promises of "I'll get better" and waited patiently.  Instead, his manipulation, stalking behavior and inappropriate behaviors towards me and my daughter from my first marriage ramped up and I made the decision I can no longer wait for things to get better.  We had been separated for 3 months when I decided I was done and when I told him, his response was that I didn't give him enough of a chance.  Really?  Attempts to get help started 5 years ago... .I think I've been more patient than most women would be. 

While I was out of the house, over the past few days, he packed up all of his stuff and put it into storage.  He lied to our neighbors saying he had let me know he was doing it but thankfully, one neighbor who knows the history let me know.  Yesterday I moved permanently back into my home with our 11 year old daughter and promptly changed the locks.  The best news of all of this, making a final decision encouraged my 21 year old daughter to leave an abusive relationship she has been in for 3 years and decide to move back in with me and her sister.  I take full responsibility for taking the abuse I did from my husband and making excuses for it which gave her the idea that no matter what, you stick it out even when you are being disrespected, manipulated and abused.  Finally deciding enough is enough in my case allowed her to make the same decision.  I am at peace finally, although I know with a child between us, I am likely to experience more manipulation and lies, and unfortunately, I will have to protect her as best as I can. 

This board has been my lifesaver during the past few years as I worked through my own side of things, worked on me and tried to understand what he was going through.  Part of me wishes I had it in me to persevere, but my own work on myself will not allow me anymore to be disrespected in any way.  I am hopeful for the future and feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. 

[Michelle27]

After 9 years of living in hell and walking on eggshells, my marriage to my BPD husband is over.  For years, I believed the promises of "I'll get better" and waited patiently.  Instead, his manipulation, stalking behavior and inappropriate behaviors towards me and my daughter from my first marriage ramped up and I made the decision I can no longer wait for things to get better.  We had been separated for 3 months when I decided I was done and when I told him, his response was that I didn't give him enough of a chance.  Really?  Attempts to get help started 5 years ago... .I think I've been more patient than most women would be. 

While I was out of the house, over the past few days, he packed up all of his stuff and put it into storage.  He lied to our neighbors saying he had let me know he was doing it but thankfully, one neighbor who knows the history let me know.  Yesterday I moved permanently back into my home with our 11 year old daughter and promptly changed the locks.  The best news of all of this, making a final decision encouraged my 21 year old daughter to leave an abusive relationship she has been in for 3 years and decide to move back in with me and her sister.  I take full responsibility for taking the abuse I did from my husband and making excuses for it which gave her the idea that no matter what, you stick it out even when you are being disrespected, manipulated and abused.  Finally deciding enough is enough in my case allowed her to make the same decision.  I am at peace finally, although I know with a child between us, I am likely to experience more manipulation and lies, and unfortunately, I will have to protect her as best as I can. 

This board has been my lifesaver during the past few years as I worked through my own side of things, worked on me and tried to understand what he was going through.  Part of me wishes I had it in me to persevere, but my own work on myself will not allow me anymore to be disrespected in any way.  I am hopeful for the future and feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. 

[Surg_Bear]

I'm so glad for you- you have arrived.

Healing from all of this abuse can finally begin.

I'm so close to pulling the trigger on my marriage, it really warms my heart to see another soul saved from the torment of BPD above all else.

No matter how many boundaries, providing validation enough to create royalty, SET until the cows come home; the ultimate truth is that, to stay, it is, has to be, and will forever be... .  BPD above all else.

We do not have to accept this, if it violates too much of our core. 

Congratulations on figuring this out for yourself, and saving your family before too much damage had been done.

Love,

Surg_Bear

[Greyhound]

Congrats! Happy for both you and your daughter.  Undoubtedly you will have some ups and downs in the future, but such is life.  Savor this special milestone! You've earned it.   

[Michelle27]

Thank you.  My own sense of lightness and peace is definitely tempered by the knowledge that he is in pain.  When I told him I was done, I also told him that a part of me will always love him and that I am actually grateful that he put me through what he did because I never would have had the self growth that I did.  But, I can no longer tolerate things that make me feel unworthy and small.  I know what I'm worth, and it isn't this.  I know that some people with a pwBPD in their lives get peace with acceptance, but for me and my girls, it wasn't enough... .I needed to get out. 

[Invictus01]

No matter how many boundaries, providing validation enough to create royalty, SET until the cows come home; the ultimate truth is that, to stay, it is, has to be, and will forever be... .  BPD above all else.

The reality of all of this is that you are trying to have a relationship with a 3-5 year old who will never grow up. That's why they are called terrible twos - the little person does whatever the hell he or she feels like and it is impossible to reason, nothing gets through no matter what you do. That's what you are dealing with. I'd say that if parents had to deal with that for years and decades as opposed to a year or two, more parents wouldn't have kids... .