Why were they attracted to us?

[Yolanda123]

I thought the Why were we attracted to them? thread was very interesting... .made me ask myself: and why were THEY attracted to US?

Was it just random, they could have attached to anyone else who was available and receptive to their `charm`?  Did they feel some vulnerability in us (seems pretty common that us Nons have some self-esteem issues), like some kind of pre-selection before going in full BPD seduction mode when they felt we would fall for it ?

Maybe my question is totally irrelevant... .I was just curious to hear your thoughts/impressions on that.

I find myself ruminating a lot over the fact that I could have been anyone else, it did not matter to him... .and I have the strong impression that my exBPD does not have a clue who I truly am... .This in a Relationship where I had never felt so loved for who I was... .mirroring I know but it's so hard to wrap my head around this.

[rotiroti]

We were around when they needed a new attachment.







edit: to elaborate, my ex was a friend for 10+ years. So yes, I think she was able to see what she liked in me/vulnerability over the years

[Yolanda123]

Straight to the point rotiroti ! That pretty much sums it up I think... .

[Mr.Downtrodden]

Speaking for myself, my uBPD exgf and I became friends first over the course of several months.  We do not live close by, so when we got together for the first time, we had gotten to know each other over the course of near daily contact for 4 months.

She claimed to have fallen in love with me after our second get together because of my honest nature, down to earth, easy going way and being able to make her feel comfortable - she felt she could trust me, unlike other guys (ex BFs, etc, people who were selfish, and ego-centric.

The traits she fell in love with were those things she needed badly - not for a relationship between two people based upon equal parts trust and respect - no - I had no idea what was to come.

She sized me up and hit the jackpot - a guy she could get to fall in love with her, which provided the illusion and validation she craved at the same time. While I'm thinking about a future with her, moving to be with her, even considering children / marriage, she was secretly doing as she pleased with other guys in her area - ex BFs, FWB, even random one night hookups, one which gave her the kid she had wanted even though she had zero feelings for the father.  All of this was a gradual, soul-crushing, confidence shattering piece by piece crumbling away of the illusion for me.  She even apologized early on, before things got worse, by imploring that she was not "an illusion".  Maybe in her own mind, but not from a non's standpoint.

She selected me -I was one of several, but bestowed as the "boyfriend" the one she claimed to truly love - because I had every quality in a partner that she herself lacked. With her expertise at controlling and acting, I was fooled.  Badly. And I was the one who got left with the fallout.

[healingslowly12]

because of my honest nature, down to earth, easy going way and being able to make her feel comfortable - she felt she could trust me, unlike other guys (ex BFs, etc, people who were selfish, and ego-centric.

Yep, hit the nail on the head for me too.  Must have something to do with these traits.

[Invictus01]

To be honest, I think there is no telling. The reality is that in many cases, a personality disordered person is dealing with different flavors of personality disorders. A borderline could potentially actually have some feelings for you. A sociopath/narc was probably just bored out of his/her mind and decided to screw with your head just for $hit and giggles. If the person has traits of different disorders, how exactly do you know which one affect him/her at any given moment?

[anxiety5]

I was in denial for a long time even though I'd tell you otherwise back then. I educated myself on BPD/NPD and was very informed. I even concluded that our relationship was no longer viable. I even broke things off.

Granted, there were several times I let her back into my life again.

But that was the denial.

What I mean is this. We can educate ourselves but the real key is to APPLY it to OUR situation. Until that happens the rumination will continue much like I did.

An example of this: Your question of why are they attracted to us. A very good question. I used to ask myself that too. Ponder it. Wonder if they meant what they said. Sometimes figure there had to be real feelings there. Other times not. And on it went.

I read ALL about narcissistic supply. The need for attention, adulation, praise, acceptance in their search for idealistic love. I read ALL about how they have a fragmented identity and detachment from their true self. About how they seek their identity through others. You see, I read about and understood all of this. But the key is to apply it to OUR SITUATION.

My ex BPD/NPD (much like all of them) is attracted to anyone who gives her the type of validation, and narcissistic supply that she NEEDS to survive. She seeks the vulnerable. Just coming out of a divorce, a relationship, etc or people pleasers with natural co-dependent traits. They utilize this weakness because it offers them the most opportune person to manipulate. They are attracted to us because of the way this person sweeps into our lives and we think they are incredible. That reaction is what they seek. It rids them of their past and validates their false self. They love bomb us to accomplish this.

It's quite simple. They were attracted to us because they unbeknownst to us, threw signals at us, tested us, and we passed with flying co-depenent colors. If they are already with someone else, then we were the person they had the affair with (as they devalued their primary target) If they were discarded and find us, then we become their next primary target and once we are hooked, the same scenario above will occur. What we interpret as the cold shoulder is when THEY are out securing new sources of supply.

It's sort of disgusting, vile and incredibly painful to actually view your own situation in these parasite/host, manipulative ways. It makes us question love, it makes us question trust. It makes us wonder if it's even worth trying again. The World seems very scary, but it's mandatory we do this. It's vital that we take WHAT WE LEARNED. AND APPLY IT TO OUR SITUATION.

Once you do this, you won't ask a question to yourself about why they were attracted to you. You won't ask yourself such normal, humane, questions. Because once you apply everything that happened in terms of all the information we have learned about these types of individuals, you will realize OUR perception of events was in fact something that was totally exclusive to US. THEIR perception of events, is everything we have learned about the text book behavior.

Sorry for the long post but it's important and I wanted to share it. I sort of took everything that "bothered" me. All the injustices, betrayals, and lies that I NEEDED answers to, and closure to and wrote them all down. And then in turn, "retold" all of these things that happened in terms of the pathology of this disorder rather than MY narrative, it was the moment when my denial died. I saw it for what it was. I finally realized it was all a lie. And I never again spent much time ruminating or seeking answers that through educating myself about these individuals, I already had the answers to.

Best of luck to you. One day you will realize losing this person is the best thing that ever happened to any of us. I promise you that much.

[Loosestrife]

Initially : nice, stable, kind and financially sound

After the first blow up and we are still there: hooked and susceptible to FOG

[anxiety5]

Initially : nice, stable, kind and financially sound

After the first blow up and we are still there: hooked and susceptible to FOG

So condensed. So simple. So 100% dead on

[Thread]

I could respond hey I'm nice, caring, loving, honest, hard working and full of integrity. Well a lot of people carry those qualities.

What my therapist and I have very heavily discussed, because I asked her once what's wrong with me, why do I attract and or am I attracted to these kind of men? She said it's typically this few qualities:

1. I have it going for myself (achieved and she said nice to look at)

    - apparently borderlines chose people who make them look good.

2. Guilt and 3. shame

    - I have a lot of guilt and apparently it's what makes me stay. Guilt to leave, guilt to be so angry at him, guilt in divorce, guilt that he doesnt want to leave, shame for leaving him once, shame for not going through with the divorce, shame and guilt for going back and accepting this treatment, always wanting to do the right thing, guilt if I left him, guilt and shame that his family blames me for his instabilities

She is also married to a h bpw and works with a lot of pwBPD or people married and or in relationships with pwBPD.

[anxiety5]

I could respond hey I'm nice, caring, loving, honest, hard working and full of integrity. Well a lot of people carry those qualities.

What my therapist and I have very heavily discussed, because I asked her once what's wrong with me, why do I attract and or am I attracted to these kind of men? She said it's typically this few qualities:

1. I have it going for myself (achieved and she said nice to look at)

    - apparently borderlines chose people who make them look good.

2. Guilt and 3. shame

    - I have a lot of guilt and apparently it's what makes me stay. Guilt to leave, guilt to be so angry at him, guilt in divorce, guilt that he doesnt want to leave, shame for leaving him once, shame for not going through with the divorce, shame and guilt for going back and accepting this treatment, always wanting to do the right thing, guilt if I left him, guilt and shame that his family blames me for his instabilities

She is also married to a h bpw and works with a lot of pwBPD or people married and or in relationships with pwBPD.

My ex love bombed me when she was separated before even being fully divorced. He left her. First guy to ever do that to her and she's really gorgeous I believe it.

I have self worth and confidence. I'm an educated, respectful, successful guy who stays in good shape and has life long friendships and is close with their family. But honestly, I think the reason she was really attracted to me was because she took such an ego blow, she needed someone around to remind her that she was desired. And someone to control to prove to herself she could still capture men.

[Tim300]

OP --

This is an interesting question.  Here's my take.  I can't get inside my ex's head so I don't know exactly what her attraction to me was.  With that said, I honestly don't think her BPD had much to do with why she was drawn to me.  Aside from her having BPD, we were simply actually a great fit together for a lot of reasons (it was pretty much a perfect pairing); furthermore, she likely figured I was the best candidate she could land (consistent with how I think most Nons tend to select a partner).  So, in short, I don't think BPD had anything to do with it.

With that being said, if/when she takes another stab at attempting for a steady relationship (her clock is running at this point), I suspect she might target candidates with the following characteristics: (1) a much older guy with a lot of money who might help her pay her debts, with her simply throwing in the towel on finding true love because clearly that's been too stressful for her; or (2) a guy who is significantly below her in the marriage market (in terms of looks, income, etc.), to help ease her abandonment concerns and so that she'll have someone to control without him giving her too much pushback.

[rotiroti]

OP --

This is an interesting question.  Here's my take.  I can't get inside my ex's head so I don't know exactly what her attraction to me was.  With that said, I honestly don't think her BPD had much to do with why she was drawn to me.  Aside from her having BPD, we were simply actually a great fit together for a lot of reasons (it was pretty much a perfect pairing); furthermore, she likely figured I was the best candidate she could land (consistent with how I think most Nons tend to select a partner).  So, in short, I don't think BPD had anything to do with it.

With that being said, if/when she takes another stab at attempting for a steady relationship (her clock is running at this point), I suspect she might target candidates with the following characteristics: (1) a much older guy with a lot of money who might help her pay her debts, with her simply throwing in the towel on finding true love because clearly that's been too stressful for her; or (2) a guy who is significantly below her in the marriage market (in terms of looks, income, etc.), to help ease her abandonment concerns and so that she'll have someone to control without him giving her too much pushback.

Hey Tim300, great point! I feel like I was in the same boat especially having been friends with my ex years prior to dating.

If you don't mind me asking -- how old is your ex now? Mine is approaching 30 and if she really does want kids as bad as she does, I can see her settling (shoot, maybe she settled with me! )

[Tim300]

OP --

This is an interesting question.  Here's my take.  I can't get inside my ex's head so I don't know exactly what her attraction to me was.  With that said, I honestly don't think her BPD had much to do with why she was drawn to me.  Aside from her having BPD, we were simply actually a great fit together for a lot of reasons (it was pretty much a perfect pairing); furthermore, she likely figured I was the best candidate she could land (consistent with how I think most Nons tend to select a partner).  So, in short, I don't think BPD had anything to do with it.

With that being said, if/when she takes another stab at attempting for a steady relationship (her clock is running at this point), I suspect she might target candidates with the following characteristics: (1) a much older guy with a lot of money who might help her pay her debts, with her simply throwing in the towel on finding true love because clearly that's been too stressful for her; or (2) a guy who is significantly below her in the marriage market (in terms of looks, income, etc.), to help ease her abandonment concerns and so that she'll have someone to control without him giving her too much pushback.

Hey Tim300, great point! I feel like I was in the same boat especially having been friends with my ex years prior to dating.

If you don't mind me asking -- how old is your ex now? Mine is approaching 30 and if she really does want kids as bad as she does, I can see her settling (shoot, maybe she settled with me! )

Thanks.  I wish I could be more specific, but I don't want to take any chances.  

[Stylianos]

It's vital that we take WHAT WE LEARNED. AND APPLY IT TO OUR SITUATION.

Anxiety 5 -

Thank you so much for this... .i am at the precipice right now (retainer paid to attorney papers filed tomorrow / called the cops on her the other day after she started flinging dinner dishes at me after i questioned her plan for 10k in cosmetic dental work... .long story short she came to me 2 weeks ago crying about having diagnosed with "black gum disease" and needed a huge amount of work  - when i spoke with the dentist to plan payments and give him the insurance he said it wasnt covered by insurance and would be considered elective cosmetic procedure because - all she needed were fillings.  also the night before this she laid an ultimatum on me that she needed to be allowed to go out and pick up randoms because our marriage sucked so bad (read i sucked so bad).  my head snapped as she raged at me for questioning her teeth - i told her i wouldnt pay for any of it.

I ve been belligerent with her since and put my exit plan into action - but that level of boundaries is so exhausting  -  pulling the trigger on the attorney and divorce is hard.  your message helped to stay my focus.  thank you!

S

[myself]

I think many of our partners wanted to break free of where they were coming from, to find more pleasure than pain, and took a chance with us to do so. Many of us felt the same as far as why we were with them.

[Thread]

Does anyone else think it may be the codependent thing?

I show some characteristics of it.

[rotiroti]

Does anyone else think it may be the codependent thing?

I show some characteristics of it.

I'm not sure if the codependent traits make us a target, rather I think it's what keeps us involved and hurt for so long.

[JRT]

Mine saw me as a harbor of refuge in her otherwise chaotic world. I think that it was her expectation that within that harbor, that her demons would simply go away. She desperately wanted a normal life, free from the internal conflict that plagued her.  This was highly attractive to her and, I think, to pwBPD. As much as we are led to believe that their actions are deliberate and wanton, they relentlessly hope for a better life and relationships. In this quest, many look for those that are equipped to free them from their torment (rescue if you will). Clearly, only they can do so.

[search4peace]

Mine saw me as a harbor of refuge in her otherwise chaotic world. I think that it was her expectation that within that harbor, that her demons would simply go away. She desperately wanted a normal life, free from the internal conflict that plagued her.  This was highly attractive to her and, I think, to pwBPD. As much as we are led to believe that their actions are deliberate and wanton, they relentlessly hope for a better life and relationships. In this quest, many look for those that are equipped to free them from their torment (rescue if you will). Clearly, only they can do so.

This was my ultimate perception of my exuBPDgf. 

At one point during my 3yr r/s with her, (during which she remained legally separated from her husband) she said through gritted teeth and with deep conviction, that before she died, she was "determined to be married and part of a loving family". At that point, I was suddenly struck by the notion that I could have been anyone... .that I really didn't matter to her beyond what I could offer her in terms of marriage, stability, protection, financial support, etc. She didn't say she wanted me (like a normal person in love might say), or that she wanted to marry me (active tense), rather that she wanted to be married (passive tense), as if it was something any man could give her, like a new car.

... .And I still stayed with her for another year, before I finally cracked under the pressure and left.

[molitor]

   Accepting what happened as having been manipulated, that it was mere mirroring, was the hardest part for me. I still have moments in the day where I question my worth, and if I caused this. Its incredible how while in the fog, and in love, we blind ourselves to the abnormal behavior they treat us with. Going from years of such intense, loving feelings, talk of marriage, to cold shoulder and no closure over one bad phone call is so far beyond normal. Yet in the moment she had me convinced I should have never been frustrated with her on the phone and I left her."(no no no)

Looking back, I realize me and her were friends first, and she probably sensed my caring, fixer qualities. She lined up my replacement while still talking to me, and to them its a mere necessity to secure that next source of love and excitement. I served my purpose and am never to be thought of again(in a good light) It has taken so much research and convincing to realize this, and stings a little to think my soulmate, woman I talked with of growing old with for years was just using me for her needs.  Realizing it was a subconscious act on their part, and real to them AT THE TIME, is huge in moving on. They are sick in the head, and Im to the point where I feel sorry for her and the sickness. I hear of her and my replacement on FB through friends and it doesnt hurt anymore, I know he is in for a shocker down the road as well.

[Dutched]

Thanks Tim300! Very insightful and I agree with the normal human chemistry involved.

About

With that being said, if/when she takes another stab at attempting for a steady relationship (her clock is running at this point), I suspect she might target candidates with the following characteristics: (1) a much older guy with a lot of money who might help her pay her debts, with her simply throwing in the towel on finding true love because clearly that's been too stressful for her; or (2) a guy who is significantly below her in the marriage market (in terms of looks, income, etc.), to help ease her abandonment concerns and so that she'll have someone to control without him giving her too much pushback.

With age, exw being early Fifty, indeed it is a downgrade. Sarcastically said, it was all she could get.

The soother is already a great granddad of a 65yr old. low social class, wandered around in a camper for yrs. in the UK, coming to mainland EU to live in her house. A Michelin puppet with tattoos, tattoos exw hated at all costs.

BTW, the control issue already started. Seeing the old man alone in the village, he wears short sleeves so exposing his tattoos. With her, long sleeves to hide them. Exw is in shame for his tattoos…

For both parties the r/s will be satisfying. For him his last chance to have a nurse with a purse and a roof for his old days, for her one, indeed, to help ease her abandonment issues as she knows he is her last resort.

Further I would like to quote from Understanding the Borderline mother by Christine Ann Lawson

“the husband of the wife with Borderline disorder can be very principled. She is attracted to his strength of character because it offers her stability and security and predictability in otherwise emotionally chaotic world. His self worth is invested in living up to his principles and he represses and disavows his own happiness. He is a good example of the joke supposedly told by Socrates that if a man marry well, he will be happy. If not, he will become a philosopher.”

That’s who we are too.

No shortcoming for the ladies, replace he with she

[Lifewriter16]

I think there was the usual physical/sexual attraction but, from what my BPDxbf said to me months into the relationship, he felt 'warmth' emanating from me when we first encountered each other. I think that's what led to his 'falling in love' with me. I think he was looking for someone who would take care of him.

I have to say that thinking back to that time leaves me feeling quite sad really.

Lifewriter

[problemsolver]

As most of you probably experienced they always seem to be looking for the next person to fill their own needs... whether it be sex, affection,  drama... .In my case I feel as though what happened to me could of happened to any of my friends that were around me when we first met... .but I was the one who was proactive and took the bait as I was attracted to her. What I seemed to notice towards the end was that she just seemed to need something or someone... .always on the prowl looking for that next shot of the love drug... a fresh start with someone who doesn't really "know her" and her condition.

[acidQ]

I think it was because I gave her that kind of attention she might never had experienced before. I met her online and used to be so chatty I would now describe it annoying. But I guess it really got to her since she started to change from cold/distant to super clingy and cheerful. I really believe that the attention was the biggest reason.

[anxiety5]

It's vital that we take WHAT WE LEARNED. AND APPLY IT TO OUR SITUATION.

Anxiety 5 -

Thank you so much for this... .i am at the precipice right now (retainer paid to attorney papers filed tomorrow / called the cops on her the other day after she started flinging dinner dishes at me after i questioned her plan for 10k in cosmetic dental work... .long story short she came to me 2 weeks ago crying about having diagnosed with "black gum disease" and needed a huge amount of work  - when i spoke with the dentist to plan payments and give him the insurance he said it wasnt covered by insurance and would be considered elective cosmetic procedure because - all she needed were fillings.  also the night before this she laid an ultimatum on me that she needed to be allowed to go out and pick up randoms because our marriage sucked so bad (read i sucked so bad).  my head snapped as she raged at me for questioning her teeth - i told her i wouldnt pay for any of it.

I ve been belligerent with her since and put my exit plan into action - but that level of boundaries is so exhausting  -  pulling the trigger on the attorney and divorce is hard.  your message helped to stay my focus.  thank you!

S

Awesome. Good for YOU.

[chill1986]

Actually now I think about it she wasn't attracted to me first time round. After our first date she got back with her ex, then 2 years passed and we got together.

I actually wasn't that interested for quite a while, but she was really keen and a very nice girl (to start with ha!).

She was definitely more keen on me than I was with her, and then in love with me more than I was with her. As that began to change, me falling for her and us moving into a new house together she flipped.

Maybe she was attracted to me because I was there at the time or maybe because I possess some of the qualities she looks for.

She was punching so I have been told by 3 different people

[sas1729]

I have to say that thinking back to that time leaves me feeling quite sad really.

This is a question with as many answers as there are relationships I think. Yes, the general trend has been suggested many times, and I agree with it. But based on my own experience, I think there were genuine feelings and reasons. On many levels we got along. We had fun together. I remember driving down to her grandmother's beach house in the late summer. We would laugh and listen to music in the car or walk around the town and beach.

I think the initial attraction was because we had some chemistry on our first date. We went to a pub that had Carlsberg on tap. We had both been to Denmark and loved the beer, so we instantly had a conversation. It seemed so normal the first few months, and indeed there were periods of normalcy throughout. This is why it was difficult to end it.

So although I do think pwBPD crave a person willing to stay and "take care of" them emotionally, I think pwBPD have the same feelings and thoughts underneath the disorder that we do. When I say what I am going to I feel guilty, but in many ways I feel sorry for my ex. It cannot excuse the mistreatment that existed in the relationship, but I used to think about what it would be like if she did not have BPD. The intense closeness and emotional highs and lows would be gone I guess, but the intellectual connection that we had that started the relationship may still have been there.

So in the end, I think it's fair to say that pwBPD are not always out to get someone hooked. That happens and they may need that (casual relationships are an example), but it's possible that they are also finding us attractive for our genuine qualities.

[chill1986]

Also because everyone I have spoken to on here seems to be a nice caring person.

[borderdude]

Not so fast ... .

My ex worked in a bar , she got hit on by numerous men every day, she is very attractive.

She has at least in the latter years choosen a type of men, wich is of the kind and nice type.

The point is to have somebody for attachment, stable, she mirror their personalities, they usually dissapear after a few weeks, then she already got somebody warmed up to fill in.

Myself do not tolerate mental sick people, I give them the f** off usually if they dont want to seek help. I ended with her and she got terrible sorry and tried to get my attention, I did not go back as I felt it would not help her case or mine.  

I always felt she borrowed my personality , and idealized me , all in a unhealthy way, I filled a need in her and she was way to immature to respond in a way you expect from a mature adult.  

It was love, but in a sense an unhealty type of love , or the best she could do in her immature way,  more like between an adult and a child.