Merely the continuation of policy by other means

[Stylianos]

I am actively planning to separate from by dxBPD wife. 

and by planning i mean really planning the best way to extricate myself and my two small children with me.

I am truely blessed in that i have absolutely no desire to continue the relationship on any level... .while i am sure she could and most likely will have some form of extinction burst - there is no amount honey to willingly lure me back.  My only goal is to protect my children from her - and have a reasonable means to continue to provide for them. 

My primary lines are to extricate myself and children while maintaining my job and to have an enforceable (the most practicable) NC.  I understand that even in the best planning - it immediately changes when in contact with the opposition so i am ready and have planned to have fall back points that would continue to be acceptable as long as the long term safety of the children are met (read losing house, bank owned cars, retirement/401k, and current employment).  I am ablebodied and can find alternate employment as necessary.  i have a mailer ready to send (digital/by post/by hand) to third parties when she begins her smear campaign which considering her history is inevitable.  Documenting and recording her behaviour has been a major task. 

Allies - i have an attorney on retainer and have gathered the documents necessary.


For over ten years i have been hard at work trying to maintain the facade of normalcy with the outside world.  When she acted out on her BPD inclinations i was always hard at work trying to clean up the damage and expain or take the blame for actions.  i have covered her in so many ways and it is so tiring.  Recently i have stopped that, but not in a way in which she could notice - instead of trying to walk her back from the edge in her crazy behaviour (which usually resulted in a huge battle against me afterwards) i have gone hands off and have even encouraged and validated her delusional perceived slights.  She has a problem with the childs teacher (an innocuous event that has been trumped up by wife) i discretely encourage and validate her imaginary injuries and happen to have the number to the superintendent and school board.  I'm mostly just not trying to chase her with a fire extinguisher as she spits fire. 

My character faults and weaknesses and codependency has enabled her to a ridiculous level  - it is shameful (to me).

I am no longer a white knight -

How did anyone else give their BPD the most opportunity to fail and flounder?

When D-day arrives i want total victory but i am prepared to dig trenches -

[once removed]

stylianos,

it sounds like youre emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted after many years of investing yourself in your marriage, and covering for her. leaving may be the healthiest choice for you, but im still very sorry to hear the effect this has had on you.

it sounds like you do have a strong plan in place and have really thought things through. do you have friends and family that you can lean on during this time?

[Mutt]

Hi stylianos,

I am sorry your going through all of this. I can understand the emotional, mental and physical fatigue associated with a partner that suffers mental illness. You have a long history together.

I'm happy to hear that you have retained a lawyer to sort through this.

She has a problem with the childs teacher (an innocuous event that has been trumped up by wife) i discretely encourage and validate her imaginary injuries and happen to have the number to the superintendent and school board.  I'm mostly just not trying to chase her with a fire extinguisher as she spits fire.

What do you mean here? It sounds like you're ready to call the school super-indent at a moment's ready and you're not going to fix.

What was the innocuous event?

[Stylianos]

Hi Once removed and Mutt,

Thanks for taking the time to read this and for your advice.

Once removed, it has been a hard slog -- I have tolerated so much that she took more and more - weakness really is provocative to those w/ BPD.  I have family that i have made aware of her condition and her true nature - they knew it already (not the actual label etc but they have observed her behaviour over time - and went hands off because of how much i tried to cover and gloss over)  I have friends that i also have been totally honest with and it is a great help.

Mutt, during the last week of school 7yo d was in computer lab and had been watching the educational videos - one of which was the dangers of smoking/and possibly drugs.  My wife smokes 3packs a day or more sometimes.  When D came home she tried to dissuade spouse from smoking etc  - spouse went off the handle b/c she cannot accept any criticism at all.  She hounded her teacher/vice principal/principal/superintendent that they damaged our daughter b/c she saw this video.  Made up claims that D was having night terrors b/c of it and that D thought spouse was a drug addict. (in reality spouse is a drug addict prescription oxi and fentanyl patches for an "autoimune pain disorder" in addition to bevy of psyche meds). 

Normally i would try to blunt her assault and reason with her that this was one of the videos that the school bought in an education package for public schools etc... .  this time i did not, i let her run her course - which is more damning then anything else - as she shows her true character to school officials.  I had nothing to do with the issue and would refuse to lie or back up her lies.

There is more - yesterday began the split -- big fight.  Its starting... .

[Stylianos]

We have been having issues and i have been planning the split since she was arrested on valentines day after getting drunk and having a one night stand and refusing to leave his appartment. 

Since then ive been sleeping in another room and keeping my distance - one or two months ago i had slowly started to think the relationship could be saved and tried to work to make it work.  Then she came out with her wish to have a "contract" that will let her (and me if i so desired) go out and have sex with people.  This was 4 days ago.  It wasnt a hey lets try something crazy spice up our love life thing - it was a you cannot fullfill my needs and she proceeded to run down a laundry list of my inadequacies (it hurt to hear this).  And how she needed to be "loved" by someone capable of doing so etc... .then she tried to wrap it up in a bow that this was a mutually beneficial thing for the better of us both. 

I was stunned and shocked and sad... .and shamefully actually said i would think about it.  I cant believe i said i would think about it.

Fast Forward to yesterday morning (at which time i am still thinking about it - and feeling that i am this nothing of a man that could allow this to happen) - and we are talking about a dentist appointment she had yesterday afternoon (her teeth are really bad - in her last depressive episode which lasted almost four months after her one-night stand she didnt bathe, brush her teeth etc... .but mostly her teeth are bad b/c she has been on heavy narcotics for her pain disorder she didnt feel her teeth hurting - the same thing happened when she fell asleep with a candle next to the bed and ended up giving herself a third degree burn - she slept through it!)

I called the dentist to arrange for payment/give him our insurance and asked him whats getting done.  He stated insurance wouldnt cover the procedure b/c spouse elected to get 12 caps and that it was cosmetic and that fillings would have been covered.  this would cost upwards of 10k.  We dont have 10k.  i began to figure out the deal - still at this point i would have given in to some of the elective caps if she did the fillings for the others (lowers)  she flipped out and raged at me about how her smile would be affected and called me every name in the book.  and yelled "im going out friday and meeting someone and will f*ck them all night long".

A switch flipped.

In me - rage - anger, and great deal of clarity.

she went to sulk on the porch and i went to talk to her and i calmly stated that i would not be paying for any of her cosmetic procedures for her.  And that she would need to go to the bar and have her new boyfriend pay for the work.  she Raged more - proceeded to break 10-12 dishes throwing them at me which i filmed.  i then exited the house and called the police.  I met the police a few blocks away and told them what happened.  Here is some irony - the cop that arrested her in february at random dude's house was one of the two who showed up.  They didnt take her in.

Yesterday i told exactly how i felt about her ... .i was not kind - in fact i was the opposite of that. That frightens me as i have never been that way to anyone else before.  But it was all true.

[Mutt]

Hi Stylianos,

I'm sorry to hear that. I agree it sounds like she projected herself with the school and I think that you did the right thing with staying out of it.

It's sad to hear that she had a one night stand and her proposal that you could both sleep with someone else. It sounds like you have values. She said that she needs to be loved and I went through something similar with my ex wife, it became difficult for her to mirror me and she started having an affair and became extremely angry and dissociative.

I can understand how hurtful that would be to hear the things that she had to say when she's displaying little to no sympathy or empathy towards you. She's also showing dependency with wanting you to pay the 10k and she's threatening to sleep with other men. This has to be painful.

How old is your D? Has she got the news about your D?

Are you planning on separating and living in different homes or staying in the same home?

[GaGrl]

Just because the police did not take her in to the station doesn't mean you can't use the video as a basis for an Order of Protection to have her removed from your house with no contact imposed.

[Stylianos]

Thanks Mutt,

D is 7 and S is 5.  both in day camp in the summer.  

Her upbringing (undeniably tragic) has made her who she is - she lashes out because that is what she knows.  

Her condition is not my fault. - what concerns me is that when she texts me - good (falsely) or bad - i respond back with the meanest truthful thing i can possibly think of.  I read almost as much as you can read about BPD and how they are delicate china, who are so sensitive they must be ultra validated with every breath.  Thats cr@p.  

I dont ever want to be like her but my anger feels like she dishes it out... .i sound like her - even if what i am saying is true i still hate saying it.

i am hoping she will depart to whats left of her family out of state.  She has alienated her former friends.  I refuse to let her take the kids (im the primary care giver).  I am going to try to convince her to leave and sell the house.

[RisingSun]

How did anyone else give their BPD the most opportunity to fail and flounder?

Sorry to hear you're in this mess. I can connect with what you've been through, minus the kids. To answer your above question, move on and don't look back.

BPD's are their own worst enemy when left alone. Take away her punching bag (you and the kids) and hit the road. She'll fail on her own while your hands remain clean.

Smear campaigns are a joke. Don't put too much energy into trying to clear up her lies / stories. I found it very easy to steer clear of those (enablers) who would believe my xw's lies. I just simply cut those people out of my life. Easy as that. The further away you remove yourself from her in every way the easier it will be to clear this mess up and move on with your life.

[Stylianos]

All - thank you for looking in on this and for your support.

She is in full charm mode - i am the opposite.  it almost seems that when she drops a passive aggressive text - and i respond assertively with resolve that she and me will not work  - that she becomes more docile and forgiving and buddist like. 

GAGRL - that is smart and i have saved and continue to save documentation.  and i carry my phone from room to room to record if necessary.  when the attorney finishes drawing up the initial docs i am planning to have a contingency for the emergency order b/c when its on paper it could cause a significant reaction.

She had the balls to ask to watch big brother with me - just watch then leave is what she said!  amazing.

thanks to all for knowledge and just being there.