Do I belong here?

My wife and I have been married for 23 years. Dating for 29. In all of this understand from my perspective this has been challenging at times but overall rewarding. I am not interested in divorce - though she claims by her remembering she has asked for a divorce 6 times but never followed through. Dating anniversary very much more prized than wedding anniversary by wife.

We married (concerns over her emotional instability and my immaturity) due to pregnancy. Age of 24. Marriage has been on the whole good but strained frquently. We lost our first baby (stillborn), had two more daughters. Our third and final came later. The daughters are now 22, 19, and 16. 22 year old recently engaged. 19 and 16 still at home.

Wife exercised power and control over interior of the house and finances while I kept exterior running smoothly. I corralled kids and put them to bed and fed them in the morning….etc. House chores were spread as evenly as I can imagine. Checked frequently to see if help was needed and expressed continual thanks. Much praise given at her skill at managing a house. I expressed a desire to see the family bank account on the web. Was turned away angrily and refused access until I requested my own online ID from the bank.

As girls grew it seems wife’s relationship with them grew more strained. Girls and I fine as we spent time camping in summers and hiking. Wife elected _not_ to come on these trips, thought she did come on some. Two or 3 trips a year were taken for camping. I am a runner and so tried to give the gift of running to daughters for mental and physical and emotional benefits. Successful w eldest and youngest. Wife complains that I have “stolen” her daughters from her. Girls try to approach when she is reading before bed only to be shooed away by wife. Newspaper is more important. Cable is more important. So is playtime w recently acquired dog.

Spousal intimacy has become a thing of the past. No closeness of any kind from hugging or hand holding to encounters in the bedroom. It has been several years now since I have felt fulfilled by this relationship.

Wife has become better over the years in exhibiting a “public” face and a “home” face - public face is pleasant and vanilla…pleasing and easy to be around. Home face is tired and grumpy and emotional. Flashes of anger for minor things - anger of inappropriate intensity. Weird “everything is fine - back to status quo” after family blowouts, which are frequent and blamed on others.

Wife exhibits periodic (every 3 months) "I’m sad and unloved. I am leaving. Moving to be near home and people who love me." We have lived in central AK for much of the past 25 years as it had good jobs and is a good place to raise kids. Her family of origin is in Seattle area. We see her family once or twice a year.

There are NO DRUGS and NO ALCOHOL abuse in the house. Caps are for emphasis. Wife and I both have master’s degrees in education and have taught in local schools for nearly 20 years. We are both 48 years old.

Wife has been on (and off) Prozac for over 15 years. Was 200 to 350# for many years until stomach bypass surgery 2 yrs ago. Has since dropped over 100 #. I have been celibate for over 3 yrs. Been told by wife “we are business partners / roommates” and “the girls are done and do not need me”. She looks amazing by the way.

My wife and I are both teachers. We work in the same school. Wife secretly applied for (lied to face and with held she was asking for letters of recommendation from staff in our school) and was successful in obtaining employment in another state. Now lives and works 3000 miles away. Has been away from family for 12 months this July 20. We have seen her a total of about two weeks in this time.

Locals were shocked to hear of her leaving us. Unresolved mental issues are assumed because "women don't leave their children"

We text and call ( 1X / wk) and things are amicable until we talk about problems (separation / future / emotional health of girls when dealing with this). One call got in-depth and she demanded we sell our residence of 10+ years and she takes her $ and I take mine and we go live our lives. I have not brought it up again, and she has repeated the demand two more times. Has repeated when I ask her what she thinks of __________ she never responds except with “Think? Thats all I do is think!” She has not been forthcoming with her parents or family as to what the situation really is. A member of her family was deeply shocked when we gave a frank accounting of happenings at home before she left us and the attitudes since she has been gone. Wife appears unable to engage emotionally.

She texts the girls infrequently about minor things like "World Cup soccer is on ESPN" or "What size do you wear now?" for occasional clothing purchases (which she ignores and buys two sizes too big to the dismay of my daughters). Youngest has a depressive fit frequently when she realizes " don't have a mom!"

Girls and I have been to counseling and are amazed at finding out we seem to have been undergoing a life-long ordeal. This is supported by my family and by mental health professionals who have been brought up to speed.

I know any description here is by rights incomplete, but, do I belong here? On this forum? YES, I have committed to stand with her, but I lose heart often.



Diagnosis + Treatment The Big Picture Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ] Five Dimensions of Human Personality Think It's BPD but How Can I Know? DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders Treatment of BPD [ Video ] Getting a Loved One Into Therapy Top 50 Questions Members Ask Home page Forum List of discussion groups Making a first post Find last post Discussion group guidelines Tips Romantic relationship in or near breakup Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD Sibling or Parent with BPD Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD Partner or Spouse with BPD Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship Tools Wisemind Ending conflict (3 minute lesson) Listen with Empathy Don't Be Invalidating Setting boundaries On-line CBT Book reviews Member workshops About Mission and Purpose Website Policies Membership Eligibility Please Donate