Dealing with the lies

[healingslowly12]

So today is not my day (One month broken up/6th month relationship).  I wrote the post earlier about social blocking and then dealing with shame.  I just found out about even more lies.  I found out that I was the temporary replacement while the BPD had been rejected by someone,  the reason the BPD rejected me was to go back to this person.    I should feel angry and outraged and glad to be rid of them.  Instead I'm in the shattered stage again.  I've cried it out.  What else can I do?  I have never been treated like this before so it really feels like a shock.  I hope there is a good lesson in all of this.  I know there must be.

When I get to the core of my feelings, I feel like the BPD is laughing at me, thinking how stupid I must be to have fallen for their lies.  Or, the BPD has completely forgotten about me because the reality was that I meant nothing to them.

Is it normal to think this?  I feel so defeated and ashamed that I let this happen.

[rotiroti]

To be used by someone, BPD or not, is terrible. Why would anyone do that to someone? Especially someone they supposedly love.

I know how crushing that feeling is. I've never felt love like I did with my pwBPD, but no one can sustain that kind of intimacy. I think I was confusing intensity with intimacy... .

I am also about a month in after a 7 month relationship. It's only after reading and researching the hell out of  BPD that I'm finally seeing some answers.

In my search it seems that the consensus is that the love the pwBPD is very real and sincere... .It's just not the age appropriate deep love that non's are after. For example, here's an article written by a pwBPD (https://bpdfamily.com/content/my-definition-love-i-have-borderline-personality-disorder). Someone can chime in if I'm wrong, but my understanding is that BPD are emotionally arrested at a young age (2-3years old) and as a result only capable of loving at that level.

The child absolutely loves the hand that brings them the toy, is angry at the hand that does them the tiniest of wrong, and forgets the hand that isn't in front of them.

[blissful_camper]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.  Parts of your story remind me of mine.  I'm two years out this month and I want you to know that your feelings are normal.

I too discovered many lies.  That discovery felt like someone had poured salt on an open wound.  It was extremely painful to me and I felt violated.  I felt a lot of things ranging from intense sadness for him and myself, and anger.  I also felt like a fool for trusting him.  To make matters worse, I felt that he was probably pretty proud of himself for having duped me.  It really bothered me at the time and I had to ask myself why.  I had a bunch of answers to that question.  I felt that he had exploited me and I had every right to feel that way.  What bothered me more though, was why I was unable to move beyond feeling so hurt by those experiences.  

I think it's important that you try not to internalize your ex's behavior.  Your ex's behavior isn't about you.  Forgive yourself.  You have enough compassion for yourself to be here on this forum discussing your feelings.  You have enough compassion for yourself to not reach out to your ex.  

Thoughts?   What would help you move forward?  

[healingslowly12]

Thank you both for the feedback.  For some reason, NC has not been a problem for me.  I know enough now that I know I would never want this person back in my life.  My life has always been stable and successful, their life has been nothing but a string of disasters ().  Hind sight is 20-20 right?

I guess it is mainly my pride that has been hurt so maybe this is a lesson in humility for me.  I guess my consolation is knowing that they knew what a great life I have and they were aware of the train wreck that their life is. 

Thanks for the article rotiroti, the childlike maturity level is a good way to look at it.  It also explains their string of disasters.

Blissfulcamper, maybe learning about the lies are a way of helping me move forward.  I'm letting myself feel all the pain so I can move through it and not repress it.  I let myself cry and I actually feel better later.  Seeing the immaturity, lies and deceit confirm for me that BPD is alive and well and this is not a reflection of me.  Working through the exercises in the Abandonment book are helping and writing everything out on here is helping. 

I feel like I go through waves.  Something comes up and it's like I have to get though the wave of emotion... .then I feel better.  I just want to get to the detachment phase as quick as possible and forget.  I think we all do.

Thank you for your feedback and for listening. 

[blissful_camper]

Thank you both for the feedback.  For some reason, NC has not been a problem for me.  I know enough now that I know I would never want this person back in my life.  My life has always been stable and successful, their life has been nothing but a string of disasters ().  Hind sight is 20-20 right?

I guess it is mainly my pride that has been hurt so maybe this is a lesson in humility for me.  I guess my consolation is knowing that they knew what a great life I have and they were aware of the train wreck that their life is. 

Thanks for the article rotiroti, the childlike maturity level is a good way to look at it.  It also explains their string of disasters.

Blissfulcamper, maybe learning about the lies are a way of helping me move forward.  I'm letting myself feel all the pain so I can move through it and not repress it.  I let myself cry and I actually feel better later.  Seeing the immaturity, lies and deceit confirm for me that BPD is alive and well and this is not a reflection of me.  Working through the exercises in the Abandonment book are helping and writing everything out on here is helping. 

I feel like I go through waves.  Something comes up and it's like I have to get though the wave of emotion... .then I feel better.  I just want to get to the detachment phase as quick as possible and forget.  I think we all do.

Thank you for your feedback and for listening. 

Becoming aware of my ex's dishonesty helped me move forward too. That knowledge provides clarity.  I understand how shocking and hurtful this must be for you as you put the pieces together.   

[greenmonkey]

I continuously caught her out with her lies, confronted her.

The final one was after she agreed to leave after 6 months of me requesting her to leave of her own accord, and she said she was going to a 'friends' to sort out the spare room so she could dump her collection of crap. She left at 3 am ! something did not sit right with me and I dug around a bit and discovered she had been in a relationship since the summer and was flying off to see this woman instead.

This then opened up a whole web of lies going back the last 3 years together, where I discovered I had been one of four women she had been seeing, I checked back on her texts and what she had told me - my god did it hurt.

It also made it easier for me to change the locks, move her stuff out and start rebuilding my life. It took 3 weeks until all her stuff was removed from my garage - she had no access to my property following the lock change.

Once I discovered what a lying cheating piece of *** she was it was job done for me. No Contact was very easy, she started stalking me shortly after and it still continues, although it is only over the internet as she has no idea where I now live.

Nearly eight months later - my daughter and I can now laugh about the crazy, what she said, her whacko way of thinking - I have no fond memories of her as it was all fabricated and a web of lies. The plus point is I have my life back, and I am happier now than I have been in a long time.

[oor_wullie]

When I get to the core of my feelings, I feel like the BPD is laughing at me, thinking how stupid I must be to have fallen for their lies.  Or, the BPD has completely forgotten about me because the reality was that I meant nothing to them.

Is it normal to think this?  I feel so defeated and ashamed that I let this happen.

your feelings are at the core of why this board exists - why it's so much harder to disconnect, or recover, from a failed relationship with a BPD. there's no closure. there's no way to understand how they feel, and why they did what they did. there's usually no way to talk to them after they leave, because so often they cut us off completely. there's just this yawning chasm of no understanding. usually, in a normal relationship with someone who's well, you don't get that. the breakup makes some kind of sense. there's a story, a rationale. it's painful, but there's at least the possibility of closure.

with a BPD, there's no possibility of closure in the normal sense. it makes it so hard. it *is* normal to feel the way you do - it wouldn't be normal, or necessary, if it was over a regular person, but this is about a BPD, so things are *very* different. other people in your life will not understand why you're still in pain. but everyone on this board will understand.

it's normal to feel the way you do, because the object of your pain, the BPD, is *not* normal.

don't feel defeated, or ashamed. this happened because you're a good and trusting person. you accepted her lies as the truth not because you are in some way deficient - you accepted what she said because you had no reason to believe she was lying, because only a**holes assume they're being lied to.

and she *chose* you precisely because you're a good person. someone who would believe her, and be patient with her craziness. BPDs are drawn to such people, because we're good listeners, and because we accept them. then they reject us because that acceptance and nurturing starts to feel, to them, like we're smothering them.

you're not stupid. when a BPD lies, they're lying to themselves too, so it's really hard to detect. they create a reality for themselves to protect themselves from any self-blame. they cannot take responsibility for the hurt they cause, and they cannot admit to themselves that they're doing something wrong. they will cheat on us, and justify it to themselves as somehow our faults, or that they're not actually cheating at all. if you call them on even the smallest of their lies, they become angry, and attack you with words, they accuse you of being mistrustful. you are the bad person. does that sound familiar? so you stop calling them on their lies, and try to accept it.

they're so convincing because they've convinced themselves. there's nothing you could have done. no way to win - absolutely none.

finally, on your concern that you were the "temporary replacement". everyone, simply everyone in her life is a temporary replacement. she's looking for someone to save her, and protect her, and love her unconditionally, but without ever triggering her feeling of being smothered, imprisoned, negated. in other words, she's looking for something she cannot ever find. when she finds one half of the equation (the saviour) she almost immediately encounters the other (the jailer) in the same person. she cannot win. so you can't win either. *everyone* is someone she's trying out until she starts to see them as her jailer. she will *always* have someone else on the back burner - an ex husband, or boyfriend, whatever. if she contacts you again, which she almost certainly will, it will be to potentially recycle you when her current person starts to trigger her negative responses.

it's a never-ending cycle for her. she didn't reject you to go back to this person. she simply started to experience you as smothering her, so her BPD shifted its gaze to someone else who can temporarily provide her with the saviour fantasy she needs. that's all. she isn't a person, she's a disordered personalty. it's not your fault.

the only thing you can do is keep NC. stay away. remember that she isn't a bad person, she's just as trapped by her illness as you are. the difference is that you have a choice! she doesn't. don't feel sorry for her. she's a shark, and sharks do what they do - don't get in the water with one! stay dry, stay in the boat. take care of YOU, because you're the one with a choice. you're a person, and you have the choice to be well and stay safe. take it. embrace it.

you, i promise, are the lucky one.

[healingslowly12]

When I get to the core of my feelings, I feel like the BPD is laughing at me, thinking how stupid I must be to have fallen for their lies.  Or, the BPD has completely forgotten about me because the reality was that I meant nothing to them.

Is it normal to think this?  I feel so defeated and ashamed that I let this happen.

and she *chose* you precisely because you're a good person. someone who would believe her, and be patient with her craziness. BPDs are drawn to such people, because we're good listeners, and because we accept them. then they reject us because that acceptance and nurturing starts to feel, to them, like we're smothering them.

you're not stupid. when a BPD lies, they're lying to themselves too, so it's really hard to detect. they create a reality for themselves to protect themselves from any self-blame. they cannot take responsibility for the hurt they cause, and they cannot admit to themselves that they're doing something wrong. they will cheat on us, and justify it to themselves as somehow our faults, or that they're not actually cheating at all. if you call them on even the smallest of their lies, they become angry, and attack you with words, they accuse you of being mistrustful. you are the bad person. does that sound familiar? so you stop calling them on their lies, and try to accept it.

they're so convincing because they've convinced themselves. there's nothing you could have done. no way to win - absolutely none.

finally, on your concern that you were the "temporary replacement". everyone, simply everyone in her life is a temporary replacement. she's looking for someone to save her, and protect her, and love her unconditionally, but without ever triggering her feeling of being smothered, imprisoned, negated. in other words, she's looking for something she cannot ever find. when she finds one half of the equation (the saviour) she almost immediately encounters the other (the jailer) in the same person. she cannot win. so you can't win either. *everyone* is someone she's trying out until she starts to see them as her jailer. she will *always* have someone else on the back burner - an ex husband, or boyfriend, whatever. if she contacts you again, which she almost certainly will, it will be to potentially recycle you when her current person starts to trigger her negative responses.

So much of this resonated with me.  They lie but they believe their own lies.  It was the point when I started questioning her and figuring out the lies that I was discarded .  Makes sense now.

[rotiroti]

wow oor_wullie, that is great insight. I feel like having an understanding of BPD really helps one detach from the whole ordeal. I can feel my anger and shame slowly turning into compassion. I still have bad days, but they're getting better!

Back on topic of the lies -- deep down I think I always knew about the lies, but I chose to ignore them. I always knew my uBPDex used sex as a validation tool and she was rather proud of having many partners and having cheated on all of her past partners. Somehow I convinced myself to be an exception. Lesson learned

[Yolanda123]

I just found out about even more lies.  I found out that I was the temporary replacement while the BPD had been rejected by someone,  the reason the BPD rejected me was to go back to this person.    I should feel angry and outraged and glad to be rid of them.  Instead I'm in the shattered stage again.  I've cried it out.  What else can I do?  I have never been treated like this before so it really feels like a shock.  I hope there is a good lesson in all of this.  I know there must be.

Healingslowly12, I am there with you. I too found out about some lies a few days ago (5 weeks post b/u, 18 months r/s). Although I knew there had been lies and deception after educating myself on BPD, getting an actual confirmation of such lies is another story. Lies from day one of the r/s. I felt like I was back to square one, it hurt like hell, like all my progress since the b/u had been erased. I was also filled with anger, hate and disgust for him, and blaming myself – how could I have trusted this person, let him into my life, my home, my family, how could I have given myself completely to this person, while for him it was all a big fat lie from the very start of our r/s, some kind of sick game, and I blindly believed him and trusted him. I felt naïve and stupid, taken advantage of. Thinking he must have thought I was such an easy win. So I  understand your feelings. It’s very painful.

A few days later, I can say that I am feeling better. You will get there too, I’m sure, you will see the positive in learning those new facts, even though it hurts so bad.

I’m glad that I learned about the lies because it’s a reality check. Gets you out of the denial you can’t help but be in at times because we can’t believe how a person could treat someone they were supposed to love like this …It gets you to see this person for what they are: a disordered person, who does not think like us, does not feel like us, does not have the slightest empathy or respect for the people that care for them, support them and love them. Because it’s all about them, their needs that can never be satisfied. And it has nothing to do with us. Their life is just a never ending repetition of the same script. A search for something that does not exist, something they will never find. You were a replacement, I was a replacement, just like the ones before us were, and the future ones will be.

We should not be ashamed because we trusted and loved. Take care

[healingslowly12]

Thanks Yolanda.  I think there is some strange comfort in knowing that we will heal and they will (most likely) just keep repeating the same patterns and remain in pain.  It almost does make me feel some compassion.