The job and his life are going good. There is no need for me.

[Beach_Babe]

Having a hard time tonight. Googled and found out  was honored with a national civic award for "compassion and kindness in his community". Even worse he was nominated by his workplace. So THATs why I haven't heard from him. The job and his life are going good. There is no need for me. That means he would ignore me or be nasty if I attempted contact (not that I will, I won't. It is just the IDEA that its not a possibility). A friend of mine insists it is erroneous to assume he would act negatively.  Now I just feel crazy, on top of everything . Why does it matter?  Because it means my friendship was replaceable and even mere civility is impossible until he hits rock bottom. His life is better without me, and he can take no responsibility for his  behavior (I deserved it, obviously).  According to "society" he is kind and compassionate. Nevermind the fact he left me for dead  and abuses animals.

Feeling so sad today.

[Mutt]

Hi Beach_Babe,

I'm sad to hear that you're struggling and feeling sad today. I can understand the curiosity and wanting to know what's going on in our ex partners lives. I can relate.

A friend of mine insists it is erroneous to assume he would act negatively.

A pwBPD have rigid thought patterns, displayed for a long period of time for it to qualify as a personality disorder, dichotomous thinking or  black and white thinking, have difficulties seeing a person as an integrated whole and sees a person as either all good or all bad with interpersonal relationships, that is BPD.

Was it the fact that you miss him as a friend that made you want to do a Google search?

I'm not so sure that he has to hit rock bottom for the pendulum to swing from devaluation to idealization, it happens on it's own.

Is it being split black that you have difficulties with?

[Beach_Babe]

I miss his friendship sometimes, yes. Tonight  was another punch in the gut he does not feel the same. Why would he when he has sufficient admiration and supply? This is not something new... .the whole past year I had to get lost whenever he found a  new job or friends. It seemed he could only treat me as human when sad, dumped or fired. I know I shouldnt care anymore, but it still hurts.

[enlighten me]

Arent we all guilty of needing our friends in hard times but having less to do with them when were busy. Yes life may seem good for him now but its just a distraction. You cant run away forever which is what most pwBPD try and do. Yes it probably seem unjustified that he has got this award. A lot of underserving people get awards. Doesnt mean theyre great people just means theyve fooled more people.

Take some solace from the fact that he has duped people into giving him this award because it means he is convincing which means you were taken in by a professional.

[Pretty Woman]

Beach,

   I am struggling with this currently too.

We are missing a friendship but was it? Have any of your other friends treated you with such disregard and neglect?

The good times were awesome! The bad times were horrific. We put a lot of time and effort into our crappy relationships with these people and we rightfully feel betrayed, slandered and discarded.

I feel for you. I wish a hug could take it away. I really do!

[Beach_Babe]

Arent we all guilty of needing our friends in hard times but having less to do with them when were busy.

Nope not me. But there is something particularly disgusting about this one. Didn't sleep last night, woke up today and vomited. Yeah he is a professional.


Prettywoman: you did the right thing by leaving. Take comfort in the fact you would likely have ended up even worse like me had you hung in there.


How is everyone today?

[Beach_Babe]

Please remind me any attempt at contact on my part would end badly. That I'm not crazy, this person does not miss me and has no soul. They will rage or ignore me. I will be seen as pathetic and weak. It's not being negative right? It's reality to an npd who doesn't need you. 

[Beach_Babe]

Someone?

[Mike-X]

Someone?

I am sorry that you are going through this. Was it your decision to go NC? If so, what led you to commit to this decision?

[Mike-X]

Someone?

Here are two article that you might want to read or re-read:

Surviving the Breakup, discussing issues on which one can get "stuck", and No Contact the Right way and the Wrong way.

Also, you have your record of your progress and work that you have done here in your posts, I periodically review my history to remind me of where I started and how I have progressed.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Beach_Babe,

I am sorry that you are feeing sad and having a hard time learning about your ex's award.     I understand how it can feel that you were replaceable.  

His life is better without me, and he can take no responsibility for his  behavior (I deserved it, obviously).  According to "society" he is kind and compassionate. Nevermind the fact he left me for dead  and abuses animals.

Although on the surface it may seem that life is better without you, the life of a pwNPD is hidden behind an inflated false self that masks rage and depression of fragmented sense of self.  Essentially, pwNPD put on a mask for the world through their accomplishments and grandiosity that projects an image of excellence, perfection, and their life is good. Underneath all of that, there is a person who denies reality and their own weaknesses. On the surface, everything seems perfect for a pwNPD, but there is a core of self-loathing.

Thinking about it from this perspective, a pwNPD's life is not good. They live a lie every single day and "need" people. In my opinion, living a life where you pretend who you are must be horrible. Take solace in the fact that even though this may be very painful and difficult, you have a greater propensity to have healthier and happier life, as compared to someone with NPD.

I can understand how you can feel is if you are easily replaceable and discarded, but his behavior should not define your own self-worth/self-esteem. Regardless of his behavior, remember that you are important and special and it is up to you to believe that.

[Beach_Babe]

MikeX:  I offered to go many times in the past due to intermittent silent treatment and raging and he always pulled me back. Then  I heard from a mutual friend he no longer wanted to see or hear from me again. It stung after 6 attempts to see him this year. So I contacted him to ask if what I heard was true. I also promised I would go as I never wanted to be where I wasn't wanted. He insisted it wasn't then called back later to rage. The next day I sent one text to apologize and was told to leave him alone or he'd call the police. He had done this in the past but thus time he meant it I guess. I tried to pretend he is dead because I don't know what else to do. I'm angry at myself I'm still grieving (I gave myself a 90 day time limit)   Daily contact for 14 years then poof. I'm already grieving several family deaths this year so it's been hard. I'm angry I was ill and he abandoned me.  I dont want a relationship back either and I'm realistic a friendship is doubtful. All I really wanted was civility. I may have to be in NYC this fall for business and feel positively ill about going. I know the odds are slim I will run into him, but good god will he call the cops if I do? Will I be accused again of stalking? I'm actually afraid to go. I just wanted things to be okay, and they won't ever be.

Eagles: thank you for that. The award makes me sick because I know the truth. Since society has now reinforced thst he is a "good person" does that not reinforce his behavior was justified?  Do I really need to flee the other way in fear now if I see him?

[Mike-X]

MikeX:  I offered to go many times in the past due to intermittent silent treatment and raging and he always pulled me back. Then  I heard from a mutual friend he no longer wanted to see or hear from me again. It stung after 6 attempts to see him this year. So I contacted him to ask if what I heard was true. I also promised I would go as I never wanted to be where I wasn't wanted. He insisted it wasn't then called back later to rage. The next day I sent one text to apologize and was told to leave him alone or he'd call the police. He had done this in the past but thus time he meant it I guess. I tried to pretend he is dead because I don't know what else to do. I'm angry at myself I'm still grieving (I gave myself a 90 day time limit)   Daily contact for 14 years then poof. I'm already grieving several family deaths this year so it's been hard. I'm angry I was ill and he abandoned me.  I dont want a relationship back either and I'm realistic a friendship is doubtful. All I really wanted was civility. I may have to be in NYC this fall for business and feel positively ill about going. I know the odds are slim I will run into him, but good god will he call the cops if I do? Will I be accused again of stalking? I'm actually afraid to go. I just wanted things to be okay, and they won't ever be.

Eagles: thank you for that. The award makes me sick because I know the truth. Since society has now reinforced thst he is a "good person" does that not reinforce his behavior was justified?  Do I really need to flee the other way in fear now if I see him?

I have read though many of your posts during your time here, and I am sorry for how difficult this has been for you.  I am sorry for the compounded effects of grieving the loss of family members, too.

Where are you at within the 90 day time limit?

[Mike-X]

Have you had a chance to look through the Leaving Workshop?  I think that you might find aspects of the Acceptance workshop helpful.

[EaglesJuju]

Eagles: thank you for that. The award makes me sick because I know the truth. Since society has now reinforced thst he is a "good person" does that not reinforce his behavior was justified?  Do I really need to flee the other way in fear now if I see him?

It could reinforce that his behavior is justified, but for a pwNPD it is a temporary "fix" or a way to assuage their own emptiness and rage of their false selves. They are always in search of more to reinforce their entitlement, grandiosity, and importance. It is like a void that is never filled.

PwNPD use "mirroring" and look to other's in their environment and objects (money, cars, home, etc.) that will help reinforce their image of perfection and entitlement. They tend to associate with only "special, attractive, important, high status" to enhance their own self-esteem by whom they associate with. PwNPD want to be with "best of the best," because it reflects that the pwNPD is important, special, etc. A pwNPD is very discriminate with who they choose as a partner.  You were chosen as a partner because of your special and important qualities.

What makes you want to flee in fear if you see him?

[Beach_Babe]

Mike: i'm 93 days NC. I need help with a plan I think.

EaglesJuju: last contact I had with him he threatened the police. The way things were left he saw me as a cancer he was glad to be rid of. I later found out he was about to start a new, high powered job. So that makes sense he'd no longer want to see or hear from me again. Since his life has been good since I left (and he now has society to reinforce the idea he is a "good" person) ive kept NC. He has also called me a stalker on numerous occasions. It's crazy.

[Mike-X]

Congratulations on making it through the 90+ days. What are your current thoughts in terms of a plan?

[Beach_Babe]

Well I think Skip had some good thoughts. Detachment would be one. NC is great but also encourages splitting and ruminating on my end. Of course he is not all "bad", or I wouldn't have been in his life 14 years. I don't want to block things out to the extent the mere  mention of his existence  sends me into a downward spiral. This is a problem because I have to go to nyc for work this fall. He works one building over. The way things stand I'd probably be so consumed by fear I'd have a panic attack or run If he ran into me. How does one detach if reaching out is not possible?  Not saying it is or isnt. I just want to feel peace.