My experience when I allowed the "charm"

[anxiety5]

She hurt me very badly. I finally could not take anymore. I asked for space, she refused. I finally sent her one last text that I had to break this cycle and I blocked her and went NC. She was very angry with me about this.

I was losing my mind and instantly began going to counseling for the first time in my life to sort this mess out.

Flash forward 3 months. I had gotten a new phone and for whatever reason I didn't transfer any of my blocked numbers over. I honestly thought at this point she was gone from my life. Then less than a week later my heart stops. She texts me.

I was weak. I saw her that night. The next two days were the most surreal moments I can remember. I hung out with someone who was dead. The only way I can describe this experience is this way: She devastated me so many times. Lying, cheating, betrayal I was an anxious mess. The most beautiful and amazing person I ever met slowly transformed into an unrecognizable monster. She was always angry, or just ignored me. I was no longer good enough to even have her converse with me. Silence during the days. And for so long until I quit, I chased those fleeting moments of happiness.

But for 48 hours, during her attempt to get me back, it was the most surreal experience of my life. It was like having grieved the loss of who you thought was the love of your life. That person was dead. She disappeared and I never saw her again. But for this weekend, as if I had passed away or was in some dream like state of mind, I woke up next to not only her body physically but to that gorgeous smile, that warm and loving and affectionate person. She was the exact same as the girl I met. She clutched me tightly and told me how much she missed me. She said all the right things. Sometimes you have to lose something to realize it matters to you so much she explained. She apologized. She was fun, spontaneous and we ended up packing up a car and heading a couple hours north to the beach. The whole way she clutched my hand tight. She was talkative, attentive and wonderful. For 48 hours the person who I grieved like a death, was there in real life form next to me. It's the craziest feeling in the World. Gone was all of my pain. I was in total and complete bliss (and denial)

But like any dream, one must awaken. It took all of 10 days and she was already pushing me away again. Her rapid transition to old habits had every hallmark of text book cluster B rehashes: a recycle in full but shorter turns. I knew by the second week that I had made a huge mistake. I began to not allow myself to get any closer. By the third weekend back with her she was making comments, picking fights, and brought up the fact I had blocked her number out of nowhere as we had a drink at a bar before heading to the beach. That never happened. She demanded an apology. As I looked at her, I said no. I will not apologize. But I will happily explain to you exactly what I was feeling and why I made that decision. She told me she didn't want to know and to shut up. I asked the waitress for the check. I drove her home without saying a word. She got out of the car and looked at me. She knew. I said I can't do this. I wish you the best. She slammed the door and I left.

And I had to begin healing all over again. I'm good now. But to all those out there who dream of their return. You need to understand that it's not real. My awareness in round 2 meant I witnessed this cycle in full consciousness this time around. It's disturbing and it's completely 100% disingenuous. Their feelings are not real. They are hollow. It's all an act. Something they are good at and the intentions behind it are manipulative not sincere.

[FannyB]

Hi Anxiety5

You are right - it is a very surreal experience to be back with someone that you've totally written off and re-evaluated. It is also tremendously insightful as you discovered.

Are you 100% sure you are 're-cycle proof' now? No nagging questions left to answer? I only ask as I did the same thing but reached a different conclusion. I honestly believe my ex tried her damnedest to make things work second time around - but the disorder won the day and I no longer had the heart to keep fighting what I saw as a losing battle.


Fanny

[anxiety5]

Hi Anxiety5

You are right - it is a very surreal experience to be back with someone that you've totally written off and re-evaluated. It is also tremendously insightful as you discovered.

Are you 100% sure you are 're-cycle proof' now? No nagging questions left to answer? I only ask as I did the same thing but reached a different conclusion. I honestly believe my ex tried her damnedest to make things work second time around - but the disorder won the day and I no longer had the heart to keep fighting what I saw as a losing battle.


Fanny

Hey FannyB, thanks for the reply. Yeah I do think I'm good to go now. I was the one who broke up with her the first time and this time as well. The biggest thing that keeps me on the straight and narrow long term is to see her ex husband and remember him. He is super nice guy, I'm talking really class act, respectable good man. She basically ignored him for the two years they were married. Total neglect. To the point their was no physical relationship and she slept in a different room. He left her and that guy has been teflon don since that day. I mean zero absolutely zilch to do with her. Wants nothing. Bites on nothing. Does not give her any reaction to anything except subject matter (they have a child) The more I realize how this guy is a very stand up type of person, and I know he struggles you can see it in his eyes. There is a lot of pain there but he really protects himself in a way I admire. A lot of strength. But long story short, I mean I think I'm a pretty good guy so you look at the way she has treated both of us and you have to conclude JESUS, there is NO WAY this person will ever NOT be this way.

She has never been there for her when I needed her to be. I did so much for her and she has never done a darn thing. I went back last time under the mental pretense that people make mistakes and people despite what anyone says can change. Ignorant? sure, but as long as I kept myself from truly entering the abyss and had boundaries, than I could manage to test the waters without falling into the deep end.

Despite it all, she did not change in anyway. My anger for her has transitioned to a form of disgust. That hope I used to feel (to a fault) is just gone now. You can say personality disorder, you can throw fancy terms around, you can debate where the trauma happened, and you can argue a lot of different points. But I'm left with one feeling when I think of her: She is a bad person.

And with that, what's left to hope for? wish for? wait around on? wonder about? and so on.

She's blocked, and she will remain that way. And I have peace in my life.

[FannyB]

Hi Anxiety5

It's good that you've closed this 'toxic chapter' in your life. I've looked at some of your other posts and you seem to be ensuring that history won't repeat itself with any prospective partners!  I'm not disputing your 'bad person' verdict either. There are lots of bad people in the world - whether they have personality disorders or not. Pinning down the root cause does not abnegate an adult of personal responsibility - that's why society is so unforgiving of paedophiles, for example.  However, as BPD is on a wide spectrum some of the behaviours exhibited by our exes varies considerably. I've been astounded by some of the examples on these boards!    In comparison, my ex's behaviours were upsetting, but relatively mild. I certainly do not have enough evidence to classify her as a bad person.  I do think that when the behaviours are less overtly 'bad' that this can be very confusing for the non and prolong a relationship that they could have exited much earlier.


Fanny

[search4peace]

I do think that when the behaviours are less overtly 'bad' that this can be very confusing for the non and prolong a relationship that they could have exited much earlier.

Fanny

I fully agree with this. My experience lasted 3yr, filled with subtle signs (hers) and confusion (mine), leading to a prolonged enmeshment that grew increasingly uncomfortable and awkward, but her crazy/controlling/manipulative behaviors were never extreme or scary enough to make leaving a no-brainer.  I can see them all now in hindsight as highly disordered, but when they were happening, I just let them slide as idiosyncratic quirks.  In my opinion, this is the most insidious and dangerous form of BPD... .like a slow agonizing poison.

Not happening again if I can keep my wits about me.

[FannyB]

I can see them all now in hindsight as highly disordered, but when they were happening, I just let them slide as idiosyncratic quirks.  In my opinion, this is the most insidious and dangerous form of BPD... .like a slow agonizing poison.

Hi search4peace

I was even considering starting a thread entitled 'Where does quirky end and crazy start?' as a lot of my ex's behaviour was excused by myself as 'quirky' too.   I like 'quirky' - so I will have to be similarly vigilant in future!


Cheers


Fanny