Need NC, but sad about lack of family ties

[isilme]

hi, I'm NC with both parents, bipolar/manic depressed, diagnosed, both of them.  They had kids from previous relationships, but I never met them till late teens or older, so it was me and two  violent and emotionally unstable adults in a house far from any relatives, so I rarely saw any (like years would pass), if I met them at all.  Just trying to explain environment that was my normal for about 15 years. 

The marriage failed, moved with dad, he kept me from mom to hurt her.  Then he kicked me out, she came back into my life in my early 20s, but I realized I couldn't be enmeshed anymore, and have had longer an longer periods of NC with her since.  We are going on about 4-5 years now.  Not spoken to dad since 19, save when he stalked me at work.

Anyway.  After a long long time, FI is finally my FI, and we've made some plans for a simple wedding and honeymoon. It's basically a destination elopement, so dad can't stop by to cause me distress, and we won't have to call the cops to remove him.  There is other not quite drama with FIs family, but the parents are immobile shut ins who can't go grocery shopping let alone make to any wedding we plan.  Really.  In 2012, I was the one who got them 5 blocks from their home to FIs brothers wedding, and it was nigh impossible.  And I fear there is no one to do this for us, and I don't want a wedding in a living room.  That's selfish I guess... .But no.

We've set a date, got deposits and paperwork in the works, and some friends seem really excited for us.  But FIs family seems ambivalent, even though we've tried to explain we are not asking them to pay for anything, but we need to do this for us... .And I have no family.  And I guess I am mourning that right now.  All ladies I know, save one whose mother passed to lung disease, had moms and sisters, aunts, cousins to go dress shopping, to borrow something old or new, and I just hate times like this that drive home how alone in the world I feel sometimes.  I don't know if any of this makes sense.  I just get sad now and then about not having the most basic family anchor my friends all have.  And their parents are awesome to me.  No matter how bad a child my parents have accused me of being, my few friends parents all seemed to want to adopt me. 

But even with invites for Christmas, or even dinner in high school since I didn't always manage to feed myself well (da was rarely home), it is so much like Harry Potter, (lame I know but if you've read it you may get how I feel) at the Weaslys.  He loves it there, but is always conscious of feeling like an outsider, a guest.  Nothing was ever done to cause that, but it was there.  And my parents aren't dead.  They are both alive, dad a few towns over, and mom in another state.    I just can't talk to either of them and stay in my own mind.  With our tiny household, everything was magnified, and there was little from outside to diffuse it.  I was responsible for their happiness, wellbeing, household decisions, etc.  all was my fault if it failed, I was worthless, ungrateful, you know the drill.

Sorry.  Just having a hard time asking anyone to go dress shopping, or a thing like that.  I have several friends who've offered, but know only a few would be appreciated by the store, and then there's the fact I grew up never ever asking for help.  It got me yelled at or worse.  So I've muddled through everything alone, from getting to and from school as a third grader till graduation, to getting into and registering for college, moving into the dorms (neither dad nor his new wife offered help, seemed put out by my presence in their home), getting my first job and so on.  I guess this, too, adds to that alone feeling. 

I know on the grand scheme this is really nothing compared to what others here are facing.  I'm just having some emotional issues, and know that some people on here might "get" it.  I'm 38 years old, and want a mommy.  Geez.  I want to feel happy about planning a wedding and getaway.  But I feel sad, guilty, and am so tired of being ashamed of having to be NC like I DONT want family.  I do.  Badly.  But the one assigned to me isn't functional.  Does this ever go away?  Feeling like an outcast?