Seeing/hearing about BPD ex still very painful

[soar]

Hi all,

I was with my BPD ex girlfriend for 1.5 years and then she suddenly left me and cut me off. It was intensely painful. There is some more detail in my original post: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279518.0

Nearly 3 years later I wish I felt better but I've only recently discovered BPD so it's been a really tough, confusing ride.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about the sensitivity I still have regarding my ex.

If I happen to see a photo of my ex on facebook, it's shockingly painful. It just feels as though I've just been there with her in that moment and all the betrayal and hurt swarms over me.

Similarly if someone mentions something about her it's horrendously painful. This is what has prompted me to create this post. A while ago my distant friend's (mike) ex told me that M had an argument with my BPD ex and 'pulled her hair out'. I saw M and asked him what happened. He didn't go into detail about the actual argument but he did mention some of the set-up. He mentioned that the argument started because my BPD ex wanted to go out drinking so she could see some 'italian lads she'd been seeing' but mike and his then gf didn't want to.

Anyway, basically this prompted a very painful reaction from me and that kind of thing always does. I get a burning feeling in my chest and feel like I've been with my ex in that moment. I start to wonder what might of happened with those 'italian lads' and who else she might be seeing.

I wondered if anyone can strongly relate to this and even comment on how they've managed to get past it?

Thank you.

[once removed]

hey soar 

im sorry youre feeling triggered. 

i felt very similarly any time id see my ex on facebook, frankly even being on facebook, there was just such a high association of pain.

might it be useful to block her and/or take a break from facebook? similarly, it might be useful to let your friends know that for the benefit of your healing, youd prefer not to hear about/be told about your ex or her actions.

howd i get past it? time, mostly. i didnt block, but i did avoid peeking at her facebook, because any time i did, id go into a tailspin. sometimes we have to go out of our way to avoid that. which is perfectly fine; our healing and recovery should be our priority 

[jhkbuzz]

It sounds like you may not have processed the pain that you experienced at the end of the r/s, or the core wounds that the r/s may have uncovered. Healing takes as long as it takes, but three years is a long time to be feeling so very raw. Have you considered a therapist? I started seeing one right before my (8 year) r/s ended and it has helped tremendously with my healing.

[rotiroti]

hey soar 

im sorry youre feeling triggered. 

i felt very similarly any time id see my ex on facebook, frankly even being on facebook, there was just such a high association of pain.

might it be useful to block her and/or take a break from facebook? similarly, it might be useful to let your friends know that for the benefit of your healing, youd prefer not to hear about/be told about your ex or her actions.

howd i get past it? time, mostly. i didnt block, but i did avoid peeking at her facebook, because any time i did, id go into a tailspin. sometimes we have to go out of our way to avoid that. which is perfectly fine; our healing and recovery should be our priority 

Once removed, thanks for that hope. Being off of facebook in the wake of the aftermath has helped tremendously. Did you keep her on your friend's list? I removed mine, and feel guilty about that... .and sending her a request well I think that's equally as silly

[once removed]

for the first few days, i did. i was deleted along with my friends and family when she made her new relationship public.

to each their own, really. to block, not to block, low contact, no contact, its a choice; making healing a priority should inform it.

[rotiroti]

for the first few days, i did. i was deleted along with my friends and family when she made her new relationship public.

to each their own, really. to block, not to block, low contact, no contact, its a choice; making healing a priority should inform it.

Great way to put it! Use what works for you.

Thanks Once removed :D!

[soar]

It sounds like you may not have processed the pain that you experienced at the end of the r/s, or the core wounds that the r/s may have uncovered. Healing takes as long as it takes, but three years is a long time to be feeling so very raw. Have you considered a therapist? I started seeing one right before my (8 year) r/s ended and it has helped tremendously with my healing.

Hi jhkbuzz,

It's been incredibly difficult for me to process my pain unfortunately because I was cut off so abruptly and completely. It's been really tough for me to come to terms with anything. I've only just realised my ex is BPD a month ago. Before that I was just like... What the heck? Oww!

Yes I have seen a few counsellors and it has been very comforting at times but I don't feel like I've found anyone who can really understand what I'm going through... .yet. TBF I've only just realised what I'm really dealing with myself, when I discovered BPD a month ago.

I'm currently on the look out for someone who can help me with PTSD and ideally someone with a knowledge of BPD or even being in a relationship with a pwBPD. I hope I will soon find some therepy that really works for me soon.

I have been through some 'core wound' stuff with previous counsellors and some things have become apparent but that stuff is really tough because I was previously unaware that elements of my childhood were dysfunctional and am really unsure exactly where that dysfunction lies. Plus I think I may have some problems that stem from birth which obviously I have no memory of.

[jhkbuzz]

It sounds like you may not have processed the pain that you experienced at the end of the r/s, or the core wounds that the r/s may have uncovered. Healing takes as long as it takes, but three years is a long time to be feeling so very raw. Have you considered a therapist? I started seeing one right before my (8 year) r/s ended and it has helped tremendously with my healing.

Hi jhkbuzz,

It's been incredibly difficult for me to process my pain unfortunately because I was cut off so abruptly and completely. It's been really tough for me to come to terms with anything. I've only just realised my ex is BPD a month ago. Before that I was just like... What the heck? Oww!

Yes I have seen a few counsellors and it has been very comforting at times but I don't feel like I've found anyone who can really understand what I'm going through... .yet. TBF I've only just realised what I'm really dealing with myself, when I discovered BPD a month ago.

I'm currently on the look out for someone who can help me with PTSD and ideally someone with a knowledge of BPD or even being in a relationship with a pwBPD. I hope I will soon find some therepy that really works for me soon.

I have been through some 'core wound' stuff with previous counsellors and some things have become apparent but that stuff is really tough because I was previously unaware that elements of my childhood were dysfunctional and am really unsure exactly where that dysfunction lies. Plus I think I may have some problems that stem from birth which obviously I have no memory of.

The abrupt way these r/s's can end is really devastating, I understand.

I was in pain for months after the b/u, but I slowly began to realize is that my pain over the b/u was mixed with some other, more ancient pain. This may sound really strange, but sometimes when I was having a particularly tough day, I would pull up a picture of her on my computer and it would calm me - because seeing her picture made it clear to me that my pain wasn't about her, specifically.  She represented something that was painful to me... .it was like she was some sort of stand in. I can't explain it any more clearly than that.

I'm still digging into all this with my therapist. I think it may be issues of self worth, but I'm not sure. I haven't gotten to the bottom of it yet.

Last session my therapist said to me, "You know, if I could cut the threads that connect you to your past, I don't think this break up would be so tough for you. I think you would be able to see it for what it was and move on."

I'm still digging... .

[Mutt]

I'm currently on the look out for someone who can help me with PTSD and ideally someone with a knowledge of BPD or even being in a relationship with a pwBPD. I hope I will soon find some therepy that really works for me soon.

I have been through some 'core wound' stuff with previous counsellors and some things have become apparent but that stuff is really tough because I was previously unaware that elements of my childhood were dysfunctional and am really unsure exactly where that dysfunction lies. Plus I think I may have some problems that stem from birth which obviously I have no memory of.

Hi soar,



I'm sorry to hear your going through this. It must of been awful not knowing about BPD. Where you searching fir answers for 3 years? These relationship break-ups can be chaotic, confusing and painful.

What helps is reading up as much as you can on the disorder to depersonalize the behaviors.  It also helps to share and process the grief with people that have been in a relationship with the mentally ill. It sounds like she didn't display a lot of empathy for you. Feel free to take a look at the lessons to the right of the board.

Glad to hear you're on the look-out for a T, it really helps.  


Hang in there.


----Mutt

[soar]

Where you searching fir answers for 3 years? These relationship break-ups can be chaotic, confusing and painful.

2.5/3 years yeah. But for the most part I had no idea there was something out there for me. I've never heard of BPD before. I would just constantly wonder why my ex was so horrid/why I was suffering so much... .while everyone else was hurting but then going on to recover with time. It's an incredibly isolating experience and it really worries me that it could me so long to become aware of what was at play.