Hope

[arn131arn]

A few months away from the 2 year anniversary of the final discard; and all I can say is; is that I am relatively happy. Even after mediation a few months ago for my child custody, when Iguana Woman told me she was getting married; I wasn't phased.  Wished the cold blooded reptile best wishes; and moved on with my day.  But it has got me thinking.  Although, at this point in my life, I am able to think clearly, thoughts have slowed down, and I am relatively happy; I wanted to share some things that I have experienced for almost two years.  And what I think my 14 year relationship with an uBPD has taught me.

- I never thought I could bear the pain I was in two Christmases ago; but I did.

- I never thought I would have joint/ shared custody with my son; but I did.

- I never thought I would still be an honor student about to graduate; but I am.

- I never thought I would ever be able to get "her" voice out of my head, telling me I was nobody, on the road to nowhere, and will always be a nobody. But I did.

- I never thought I would meet anyone as beauuuuuuuutiful as my son's mother; but I did.

- I never thought I would wake up every morning and NOT think about her. But there are no thoughts of her in the morning.

- I never thought I would sell my house, use the proceeds to open a restaurant with a friend, and have it humming every night of the week; but we did.

- I never thought I could be my son's baseball coach an hour away again this summer; but I did.

- I never thought I would stop searching for the answer about what was wrong with her, what label to put on her, or what consonant needed to be put in front of "PD" in order to make me eventually fit that square peg in a round hole. To please ME. But I did.

-I never thought I could feel so free. And let's face it, when the FOG finally lifts, we realize there's a really big world out there; and it's great to know I can go where I want to go with who I want to go with doing what it is I want to do. I think I like that best of all.

-I never thought the psychobabble from my therapist would work; but he grew on me; and it did.

- I never thought I would be out from under her thumb, legally, but I learned to document EVERYTHING, and eventually the judge saw, she was FOS! And there are no thumbs anymore.

- I never thought I could make new friends; but I did.

- I never thought I would travel out of the country; but I did.

- I never thought my son would get through his pain, and that may be something he never gets over; but I am working with him and his therapist to make sure he gets the help he deserves. And he is.

- I never thought the rage and anger I felt for the OM to leave; and although I don't speak to him at games; the anger is no longer there. And for her, as well.

- I never thought I could look anyone in the eye; but I do, everyday with a smile.

- I never thought I could be helpful to others; but I am. Anyone who is willing to ask.

- I never thought I would ever stop using this as a badge of honor until a friend told me how stupid I sounded. So I did.

- I never thought I could tell a BPD/NPD person; but I do. And have worked with my counselor and saw my own mother is NPD! No wonder this girl was so attractive, right?

I don't know when it all happened.  I cannot pinpoint the exact day; and maybe there wasn't even an exact time. Maybe that's what really sucks about all of this.  Is that it's real easy to tell you it's time. Time heals all wounds. But I will take it a step further.  It's a process.  It's a process of getting out of the door in the morning, putting in the work, and as you may know, this isn't easy; and neither is the work to bring us to the other side. I mean, Jesus, I would cry if there was a busy signal or a voicemail two Christmases ago.  Even if I was calling Sears for an account balance, ya'll.

I got to go see my favorite band play a few weeks ago in San Francisco. There was a rainbow in the sky. It wasn't even raining. It promised me that my troubles in my past were taken care of; and as hard as it is to not cry about that joy in my heart for myself (finally) and the people about me; I know I have taken the TIME, done the work, taken risks, and put myself back into a world, a beautiful and magical place, to cleanse myself of the toxic sludge that was once around me.  What a long strange trip it's been... .

To any of you in pain, depressed, heart broken, or cannot get out of bed. Stay on these boards for as long as you can.  It's the Turks, Skips, and Mutts of the world that got me through this. Other men, that have experienced the same thing as me, done the same things, who grounded me.  It's that space between one person helping another where we find our God.

Thanks, bpdfamily, I wouldn't be in a place today without you.

Peace and Love,

Arn

Give it time, ya'll

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XxFcBbTPf5o

[ppb2la]

Thanks Arn for so many affirmations in your post. It really helps those of us who are relatively new here to deal with the terrible pain of the post- BPD r/s.

Glad you are in a better place.



ppb2la

[letmeout]

Three cheers for hope! There is life after experiencing a BPD partner!

[Mutt]

Hi arn13arn,

Wow! It's nice to see a friend again. I want to say that I'm happy that I could help a brother out. I'm happy to hear the news. Thank you for sharing arn.

Respectfully,

----Mutt

[RecycledNoMore]

I kept writing things down,trying to say something really moving and profound,I was around when you first joined BPD family,I remember the pain...

Im so happy you made it too the " otherside" too:)

To those reading these posts,there is hope

Dont give up.

[going places]

THANK YOU for the encouraging words!

I, too, intend on opening my own restaurant!

I am SO glad to hear how far you have come in 2 short years.

(I am 1 year post divorce)

I was with my N/AS monster for 25 years... .but so many things you have listed... .I am right there with you after 1 year!

There is hope.

The light at the end of the tunnel IS NOT a train!

God is Good... .all the time!

[rarsweet]

I got goosebumps reading this. Inspirational.

[BorisAcusio]

Glad to see you posting again, Arn. As others said, very inspirational stuff.

[rotiroti]

I never thought I could be helpful to others; but I am. Anyone who is willing to ask.

Thank you ! Reading your post gave me so much courage to tackle on another day!

[Turkish]

Arn,

Awesome story, and I'm so glad that you got joint custody of you little boy. Though kind of a narc (though not like your Ex's), I will, struggle with joint events since they recently got married.  I'm glad that you've reached this level of detachment; for your son, what's best, and for you...

[arn131arn]

Arn,

Awesome story, and I'm so glad that you got joint custody of you little boy. Though kind of a narc (though not like your Ex's), I will, struggle with joint events since they recently got married.  I'm glad that you've reached this level of detachment; for your son, what's best, and for you...

Turk, man, we will struggle. All of us. Allot of the time.  It's what it is. I limit my time around her and sometimes choose not to attend events depending on how I'm doing at that point in time.  But I made sure in the last consent order that neither of us could schedule activities on the other person's time.  It keeps me safe from her false accusations and keeps my heart safe from further hurt.

My pet reptile is getting married too. I think he is an alien from the planet Narcon! But it doesn't bother me. The wheels will start coming off, like they have been, but even worse when she's trapped him legally or with a child (like she did with me). The relationship was loaded from the start; just like ours was. I rescued her from her abusive, mean and terrible ex at one point; I was the Champion that requested the trial by combat. Haha! I was him and he is me. A mess. I'm stockpiling popcorn to pop before this show starts!

The day before hurricane Katrina; I was leaving her until she all of a sudden became pregnant.  But I truly don't give two s*!ts who she marries anymore.

I've forgiven her for the pain she caused me and my son; but remembering that pain helps with the indifference. And without the energy being sucked out of me on a daily basis; I've found a great and wonderful new life that I enjoy.  I'm just really into meeting new people. I talk to everyone; some I like, and some I recognize who they are immediately.  And I stay far far away from those.

Skip told me once to shake hands with the guy and be nice to him, and I, the big bad dragon, would be killed and they wouldn't have anyone to beat up on anymore. 

Well, I never did that, maybe I have too much foolish pride in me; but instead I pulled a Kaiser Sose and disappeared. Can't fight a dragon that doesn't exist, right?

Take care of yourself, Turk. And those babies. You are, we all are, stronger than we will ever know.

Peace and love, bro.

Arn

[Turkish]

"Can't fight a dragon that doesn't exist." Like, " Beware the monsters of the Id." I, also shake hands with the OM. He reaches out to me. I have more contact now, and some mornings drop the kids off to him. Its a tough thing, but it's reality. I had to have him be at my son's pre-k graduation last month (my ex asked me if it was ok if he came, so I guess I'm still Daddy), and I saw him.left out. I approached him and talked. The anger was real, but this  is a guy who has access to my kids half the time. It behooved me to get to know him... .a little.

[arn131arn]

"Can't fight a dragon that doesn't exist." Like, " Beware the monsters of the Id." I, also shake hands with the OM. He reaches out to me. I have more contact now, and some mornings drop the kids off to him. Its a tough thing, but it's reality. I had to have him be at my son's pre-k graduation last month (my ex asked me if it was ok if he came, so I guess I'm still Daddy), and I saw him.left out. I approached him and talked. The anger was real, but this  is a guy who has access to my kids half the time. It behooved me to get to know him... .a little.

We have taken different paths, Turk. You stayed from the get-go. I remember the pain you felt while still living with her while she was still seeing the OM.  I don't think I could have been able to do what you did. I really don't.  You are a better man than me. I don't think I took the road less traveled. But I was constantly being accused of things (danger to my son, DV, saying inappropriate things to her) which were all lies.  And maybe I took the easy way out. I have no idea.

So, to protect myself, I went a very strict LC.  Which has worked in my situation.  What you have done has worked in yours. We took different paths to get to happiness.

And that's alright. 

None of us took a class in high school on how to deal with any of this.  There's no flow chart to follow. No schematic to learn. 

But eventually with time, hard work, perserverance, dedication to ourselves our kids, and a little luck; we come to find the same outcomes... .happiness.

[gomez_addams]

Thanks, dude.

This really made my day!

Gomez

[rotiroti]

I absolutely love this thread. I remember reading it a month ago and wondering if I would ever get to the places where arn131arn would be.

Now 2 months after the b/u I find myself checking off the list one by one. I still have long ways to go, but I feel the confidence returning to me. The hope is very real