I believe my ex had BPD.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello. I was dating someone who I very strongly believe to have BPD for 3 months. The reason I think she has BPD is because both me.

Now she broke up with me a month ago and may be in a rebound, and I have a few questions:

-Do people with BPD come back after a breakup at all? (she has twice, but this is the longest we have been broken up and she has a new BF)

-Are people with BPD capable of actual love, or would I be wasting my time?

-I'm willing to accept that if I did get back with her, that it will be a challenge... .but can a relationship with a person with BPD be relatively normal if I do my part?

-How can I tell what her real personality and interests are, when she could have been mirroring?

[Schermarhorn]

Hello. I was dating someone who I very strongly believe to have BPD for 3 months. The reason I think she has BPD is because both me.

Now she broke up with me a month ago and may be in a rebound, and I have a few questions:

-Do people with BPD come back after a breakup at all? (she has twice, but this is the longest we have been broken up and she has a new BF)

-Are people with BPD capable of actual love, or would I be wasting my time?

-I'm willing to accept that if I did get back with her, that it will be a challenge... .but can a relationship with a person with BPD be relatively normal if I do my part?

-How can I tell what her real personality and interests are, when she could have been mirroring?

[Mutt]

Hi Schermarhorn,



I'm sorry to hear that. I'd like to share an article that may shed some light:

I am recovering from Borderline Personality Disorder and I am a senior member at bpdfamily.com.  I can't speak for everyone, but I'm in a large support group with other recovering "borderlines", so I speak from more than just my personal experience.

Some of you, partners of people with Borderline Personality Disorder, worry that your relationship was just a game - that your lover was using you and felt nothing for you.

It’s probably not true. Again, I can not speak for everyone and I know that there are bad people out there, but this is not typical BPD behavior.

Before and when I was in a relationship, my feelings were quite genuine. I didn’t have a conscious ulterior motive. There was an authentic connection and while it may have been unhealthy or for the wrong reasons, it was, in my mind and heart, real.  I seemed as if I was in love. I felt that I was in love.

The bond that occurred in the beginning of my relationship was incredible; there was a deep sense of knowing the other person intimately, intuitively. He became my whole world and it was wonderful; rapturous.

When my boyfriends left – and invariably they all left – my world was annihilated. Everything fell to ashes.

The break-up that led to my hard-won recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder left me literally slumped on the floor, crushed in spirit, feeling as if there was no meaning in my life. I was close to killing myself, too defeated and broken to even move.

The saddest thing about the situation was that I was mostly the cause of my pain. I had little idea at the time how much was due to my own behavior. I was often overwhelmed by feelings of being let down, being disappointed, not being cared for. I felt that I sacrificed way too much. I felt like the person I was with wasn't who they said they were. I felt lonely and desperate at times and said things to took actions that felt right at the time but made matters worse.

So yes, the love was real, but in the sense of how a person with BPD, or a weak person, loves.  It’s not a healthy love because it is based on need rather than on caring and intimacy, which is the real love we all deserve.

The photo at the beginning of this article is someone my age and general appearance, but it's not me.  Like everyone here, I wish to remain anonymous so I can speak freely and honestly.

My Definition of Love. I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

I'm happy to hear that your willing to accept her for who she is. I think it helps to learn as much about the disorder and learn the tools on the staying board.

What happened with your previous break-ups?

[rotiroti]

-Do people with BPD come back after a breakup at all? (she has twice, but this is the longest we have been broken up and she has a new BF)

There was a survey here, something like 60-70% recycle multiple times before finally breaking up. Either case, it appears that with each recycle it gets worse until the b/u is final

Are people with BPD capable of actual love, or would I be wasting my time?

The consensus is, yes the love is real but it's not deep. A pwBPD's emotional age is stuck at a young age (2-3), so they are only capable of loving like a child would. Sincere, but out of sight, out of mind

I'm willing to accept that if I did get back with her, that it will be a challenge... .but can a relationship with a person with BPD be relatively normal if I do my part?

I would check out the Undecided thread or Improving thread. You can set firm boundaries and hope for the best. It's difficult but some people seem to manage

How can I tell what her real personality and interests are, when she could have been mirroring?

You can't because the pwBPD doesn't know who they are

[Schermarhorn]

Your responses give me some hope. If she decides to take me back, I would love to do my best with her. Is there a way to prevent cheating and rebounds though?

[Mutt]

Your responses give me some hope. If she decides to take me back, I would love to do my best with her. Is there a way to prevent cheating and rebounds though?

I can understand how worrying that would be and that's a good question.

We can't control someone else and we can control ourselves with an outside perimeter that protects our core values with boundaries.

Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

[Schermarhorn]

Your responses give me some hope. If she decides to take me back, I would love to do my best with her. Is there a way to prevent cheating and rebounds though?

I can understand how worrying that would be and that's a good question.

We can't control someone else and we can control ourselves with an outside perimeter that protects our core values with boundaries.

Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

Okay, what do I need to do to increase my chances that she will come back? She's currently out of town and in another relationship. I have been in no contact for 2 weeks and the last think I said to her was "go ruin someone else's life". Do I reach out to her so she knows I am still here or continue NC. She has me completely blocked out on apps and phone.

I described the previous breakups here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279841.0


And thank you for helping me. This has been extremely tough for me, you guys are a godsend.

[Schermarhorn]

For some reason it will not let me edit my last post, but I would love it if you could read over what happened to see if she is showing signs of BPD.

[rotiroti]

Okay, what do I need to do to increase my chances that she will come back?

It's impossible to tell. If she really is a pwBPD and you've been painted black, it'll be next to impossible for her to return. In these cases I think contact almost always makes it worse, especially considering how clear she made it.

When her new r/s does go bad, they sometimes try to recycle when we're painted white again.

[Schermarhorn]

Okay, what do I need to do to increase my chances that she will come back?

It's impossible to tell. If she really is a pwBPD and you've been painted black, it'll be next to impossible for her to return. In these cases I think contact almost always makes it worse, especially considering how clear she made it.

When her new r/s does go bad, they sometimes try to recycle when we're painted white again.

Well, the first time she definitely hated me. She made a list of my insecurities and threw them in my face, and managed to come back later.

The last time she seemed rather calm, but I still ended up blocked. Maybe it was because she had someone else on deck?

I do know that she cut her mom (the abuser) completely out of her life.

I pretty much hated her and was done, but if she really does have this, then I could be better at handling it when she has her episodes.

Would you mind looking at my other thread and see if her actions are consistent with it? I don't want to label her something she is not.