Do we have to verbally and physically let go to complete our healing?

[valet]

Hey guys, I haven't been here so much lately, but some interesting questions came to me in the last few weeks.

I have moved on from much of the pain, and I think that I am building a positive relationship with my uBPDex at the moment.

Some initial observations:

1.) Of course, I was chasing an idea. I love my ex, but I love the idea of her being something that no one should be in a healthy relationship. This offers a unique closure in itself. The final acceptance of this thought, I think, will result in complete acceptance.

2.) I am very afraid of the world. I am not afraid of experiencing things alone; those are pleasant moments. But I am afraid of the closeness that is entailed by experiencing those same things with others, especially within the context of romantic/emotional intamacy. All said and done, I do not fully trust myself in situations that I am in with others. A lot of the time, I am more willing to follow than to lead.

3.) These types of relationships are incredibly intense. It's easy to underestimate the density that they have in us. At the very beginning of my healing I hadn't recognized the true capacity that I have for denial. I still deny certain things. For instance, that I don't need my ex in my life to be happy.

This is where the question arrises, and it might be the most difficult one to answer so far.

Do I have to verbally and physically let go to complete my healing? No more meeting; no more catching up; no more caring, just letting this run its course and putting it down once and for all.

I really, really don't want to do this. A small part of me can't fully accept the new terms of our new relationship. I think that I will be able to in time, but that would require me to make a tough decision (we stay friends, or we don't—as of now I can't decide what I want).

I think, really, the problem here is my difficulty with fully accepting things, and by extension, myself. This gets complicated, definitely, and I've observed that a lot of members here often choose to throw it in the trash eventually and move on without their pwBPD. Is it necessary though? If acceptance is acceptance, none of my boundaries are being crossed, and the relationship feels positive, why demolish it all?

[Lifewriter16]

Personally, I don't think that it's necessary for everyone. You must go the way that feels best to you. What I have needed to do has become clearer as time goes by. Trust yourself and your intuition. Being in a BPD relationship does make you stronger if you deal with the pain.

Lifewriter

[Skip]

What is the relationship you are building?

[rotiroti]

I absolutely agree with Lifewriter -- what works for you and what your intuition says.

Letting go is hard, but sometimes it's necessary.

For me personally, I don't think I would be where I am on the healing process if I had stayed in touch. I'm a very visual person and knew I would be triggered upon seeing her.

[valet]

What is the relationship you are building?

The relationship is a friendship. To what extent that that is possible, I don't know. I would prefer if it were more than just a casual flyby 'hey, how are you?' kind of deal, but those limits have yet to be tested.

She still seems very emotionally involved, and I know that I am in a similar position.

The clear thing for me is that I'm not romantically interested in her like I was during the relationship. I feel like I did when we first met, that she could be a very good friend and not much else than that. The advantage to this being that now I know for a fact that I wouldn't make the same choices that I made when I was younger.

The main problem right now is that she's still having problems opening up to me. She's yet to really show me the same qualities that she exhibited when our friendship was first established before the relationship. I've yet to really confront that myself, but maybe that is the next step if either of us wants to achieve our own goals. Or maybe she isn't being clear about what she wants, which is probably more than likely. The only way to really know is to ask, I guess.

[sas1729]

Hello Valet,

I wanted to share my thoughts because reading your post brought back some poignant memories. For context, let me summarize what happened in my situation. I think it may help you to interpret my thoughts about your own situation.

I dated my ex for 2.5 years. She was educated and had friends. On the surface, when we first met, it seemed very normal and fun. I was inexperienced though, and she was my first girlfriend (of any seriousness). In fact, she was a lot of firsts for me, of all different kinds. After several months, I said to her that I loved her. It came out unexpectedly while sitting on her couch together and just chatting. Anyway, the main point is that I did loved her, for whatever I thought love meant. She hated my family and they never met. In 2.5 years my father met her once, and that was a week before it ended. My mother never did. She hated my family and disliked my friends. I think my friends met her a handful of times in 2.5 years. I never formally lived with her, but it sure felt like I did since I was over at her place consistently. She stayed at my place a handful of times. Admittedly she had a nice apartment. But what you're seeing here is that my life became completely dominated by her. It was her way almost all the time. I had no identity except for her.

I never knew another way but her way, so a great part of the reason why it dragged on for 2.5 years is because I was terrified of life without her. Stockholm syndrome. I continually convinced myself that "this time I'll get it right" and "this time she will not get upset". I was in complete denial and refused for 2.5 years to accept that I was deeply unhappy about this. I was seeing a therapist for over a year. I refused to accept what he told me repeatedly, which is exactly what I wrote just now. I did not want to face the world. It was so much easier to live in denial and have my life dictated by someone.

Eventually, my unhappiness was so great that I could not continue. My therapist told me the week that I finally ended it, "if you don't break up now you never will". The thought of actually living like this for years more made me finally break up with her. We did not go through breakup cycles. Yes, it was threatened once in a while. Yes, I was sent away from her apartment in the past. And those were terrifying evenings. Having to go back to my own place, where I almost never was, and be alone was terrifying. I finally broke up with her just over six months ago. It was definitive. I came back the next day, got my stuff, and left her key on the table. She was away.

The reality was that I was a shell, empty of any real identity. Six months later, I still struggle with it. I have had to work hard to find myself again. It's not easy. But I am myself again, and I am so much happier.

In my case, I do not think I could have achieved this had I still kept in touch with her. The painful memories would always cast a doubt on me. They would certainly trigger doubts that it is all right for me to have an opinion. I think if one is unsure of who they are that maintaining ties to a painful relationship impedes confidence building. This is just my opinion and what I think works for me. How do you think your ex would react if she learned that you're becoming involved with someone else romantically? Severing ties was very difficult for me, but it did enable my healing.

[valet]

How do you think your ex would react if she learned that you're becoming involved with someone else romantically?

We haven't been together, with a decently long period of NC in between, in about 6 months, so I'm assuming that it might hurt her a little bit like it would anyone else.

She'd be fine with it eventually, though. I think that it might make her happy after reflection, considering her reasons for breaking up with me. I think that I can honestly say this because I haven't been painted black after the relationship ended. I think she still feels a tremendous amount of guilt and responsibility for my well-being.

These are good qualities to have in a friendship, but still, I haven't experienced the type of insanity that others here have post-breakup.

So, what does that mean? That my pwBPD is not a pwBPD, and that I am simply denying the end of a normal relationship? I'd like to say no, her actions spoke for themselves during the relationship. Mine did as well, whether they were catalyzed by hers or otherwise. The only thing that I can theorize is that I was extremely lucky to have her when I did, that she is very high-functioning, and that this probably implies that she will never seek treatment and lead a very quietly unstable life of misery until she dies. I do not feel responsible for her well-being, but I have made myself available as a healthy friend would.

Of course, I am most certainly overthinking things here. I need to make a definite choice, and then communicate that to her in a clear, kind way. I don't think that it's more complicated than that.

It is nice to chew on these thoughts for a while before I spit them out, though.